Kabanata 46

I texted Euan if he can come with me because I don't think I can handle a drunk Etienne. Napapikit ako habang iniisip kung paano siya magiging malambing mamaya. I remember handling him in a drunk state and for heaven's sake, it was one of the hardest moments in my life.

Masyadong malandi si Etienne kapag lasing. It was ten times his usual flirty comments and his softness can also unravel shamelessly. Wala akong palag sa kan'ya habang may alak sa kan'yang sistema.

"I can't," Euan responded through the call. "Sorry, I can't be with you."

"Bakit? May gagawin ka ba? Wala pa namang mga pageantry ah. Did someone commission you?"

"Naka-honeymoon pa ako," sagot n'ya.

I arched an eyebrow. Huh? Parang last month ay gan'yan din ang excuse n'ya ah?

"Wow ha, three months kang nasa honeymoon phase?!"

"Inggit ka ba? Pakasal ka rin 'te. Alam kong mainit ulo mo kasi six years no dilig ka na pero 'wag mo naman ipasa sa akin!"

I sighed. I have no time to quarrel with him. Pero gusto ko sana na may kasama.

"Can you refer someone to me? Kahit samahan lang ako?"

"You can ask Muse?" he suggested.

"Muse?"

"Well, ever since the whole heiress thing happened, Muse na ang tawag sa kan'ya. She's not comfortable with her real name anymore, sa ngayon." Euan briefly explained.

Napapikit naman ako at tumango na lang. Euan was the one who called Muse for me. Hindi naman sa hindi ko siya close, she's really bubbly and friendly contrary to Snyder.

Sinundo ko ito sa isang malapit na condo sa mansion ng mga Soteiro. She's living independently, huh? I never thought that she was a Soteiro. Wala kasi sa mukha n'ya at sa kilos, she's like a rabbit in a den of lions.

"Kumain ka na ba, Lavender?" tanong ni Muse habang inaabutan ako ng mochi, she sat on the shotgun seat. She squeezed the mochi and giggled.

I know her real name but maybe I'll refer to her as Muse too since that's what she wanted. Maganda naman ang pangalan n'ya e, hindi ko alam bakit gusto n'yang iba ang tawag sa kan'ya.

"Tara na?" anyaya ko kay Muse habang pababa kami ng sasakyan.

She peered over the restaurant. Mukhang pasarado na ito dahil dalawang tao na lang ang naaaninag namin. Lumapit na kami roon at agad kong binuksan ang pinto na gawa sa salamin. Some of the staff bowed for a bit before resuming their work. Hindi na kami inabutan ng menu dahil tinuro ko ang table nila Snyder.

"Nasaan siya?" I asked as I arrived at the venue, it was a famous casual place for steaks and barbeque. Namataan ko si Snyder na mukhang binagsakan ng lupa at langit ang mukha dahil sa iritasyon.

His arms were crossed across his chest while looking at Etienne who had his head lowered down on the table. Kitang-kita na wala na siyang malay. He's probably dead drunk already.

Naka-crossed legs din si Snyder, halata na hindi siya uminom dahil blangkong-blangko ang mukha n'ya. His eyes were his usual lifeless ones, hindi rin n'ya tinatago ang nararamdaman n'yang boredom habang tumutugtog ang isang sentimental music sa buong restaurant.

"Yikes," ani Muse at nagtago sa likod ko. Kumapit siya sa aking damit.

I looked at her in confusion. Umiling-iling siya nang marahan at mukhang natatae dahil hindi mapakali.

"Bakit?" I questioned her behavior. Para kasi siyang isang preso na nagtatago sa kan'yang kasalanan.

"Si S-snyder ba 'yong kasama ni Etienne?" she timidly asked.

Tumango ako saka naman siya napapikit.

"Mama, p'wede mo na po ako kunin, now na." She started to clasped her hand and mumbled a quick spell. Para bang ililigtas siya niyo sa mga mata ni Snyder na kanina pa siya sinisilip.

"Sino 'yang kasama mo?" Snyder asked, almost authoritative. He leaned on his chair and his tongue touched the side of his cheek.

"Sabihin mo imaginary friend mo," Muse urged me. "Sabihin mong may nakikita siyang di mo nakikita, please. I love you, Lavender."

She sounded desperate and her pleading state made me widen my eyes. Why would she want to hide from Snyder?

Nangunot naman ang noo ko. "Si Muse," pagsisiwalat ko kaya naman nanglaki ang mga maliliit na mata ni Muse.

Natutop ang labi ni Snyder. His forehead created creases and I saw the shift of emotion in his eyes.

"Nasaan na 'yong babe ko. . ." Etienne grunted out. He lifted his head and wandered his sight, upon spotting me — he immediately beamed.

"Mahal!" Etienne cheerfully called out and raised his hands towards my direction as if hugging me. "Di mo talaga ako matitiis. . . Ano, Snyder? Ano 'yong pinagkakalat mong naka-move on na sa akin si Lavy? Kita mo 'yan. . . Mahal n'ya pa ako. Pektusan kita e."

"Ikaw pektusan ko," I grimaced. Sa akin n'ya nga pala natutunan ang salita na 'yon no'ng mga bata kami.

"Pektusan mo ako sa lips," Etienne jutted out his lips and groggily chuckled.

Nagulat ako dahil uminom bigla si Snyder. He lifted the bottle aggressively and jugged the content in a blink.

"L-lasing din ako!" Snyder announced. "P-papasundo din ako kay M-muse. . "

Muse gasped and she shook her head aggressively. "Sabihin mo, anino lang ako!"

"Parang ewan kayo," naiiritang saad ko sa kanilang tatlo. They're acting like kids!

"Muse. . ." Snyder called hoarsely. "Uwi na tayo. Balik ka na sa akin. . ."

Sumilip si Muse kay Snyder. Her broad eyes blinked and she didn't know what to say based on the curve of her lips.

"Lasing ako, Muse. . ." Snyder said and smiled for a bit. "Makakalimutan ko rin ito bukas. . ."

"Totoo ba?" tanong ni Muse sa akin.

I just nodded. Mukha naman talagang uminom kanina si Snyder, no'ng dumating nga lang si Muse.

"Lasing ka ba talaga?" Muse asked.

Snyder sighed and nodded. Nanglaki ang mga mata ni Muse at napangiti.

"I promise that I'll forget everything about tonight, so please. . . Talk to me," nanghihinang sabi ni Snyder.

"Na-miss kita, Snyder!" pag-amin ni Muse at agad na nilapitan ito. Tumayo na si Snyder upang yakapin si Muse.

I don't know their story. Pero alam ko na madalas silang magkasama noon. It's sad that Muse have to create a distance for some reason. Mas humigpit ang yakap ni Snyder sa kan'ya.

"I miss you. . . Balik ka na sa akin. . ." Snyder buried his face on her shoulder.

"Yuck," singit ni Etienne. "Kadiri. Gusto ko rin ng yakap pero kay Lavender lang."

"Yakapin mo sarili mo," I clicked on my tongue.

Tinulungan ni Muse na tumayo si Snyder. Umakbay pa nga si Snyder sa kan'ya habang papalabas na sila ng restaurant. Lumingon sa akin si Snyder, walang bahid ng pagkalasing. Umawang naman ang labi ko dahil ngayon ko lang 'yon napagtantuan.

"Ihatid mo na si Etienne, ihahatid na rin ako ni Muse. . ."

Muse expressed delight. "P'wede naman tayong sabay-sabay na lang."

"No, hayaan mo na silang dalawa. Ako lang ihahatid mo," giit ni Snyder.

Kumunot ang noo ni Muse. "Akala ko ba ay lasing ka?"

I stifled a laugh. Bigla namang nanglaki ang mga mata ni Snyder saka tumikhim.

"Lasheng nga ako, ano ba. . ." Snyder forced his voice to sound groggy. Jusko, nakakabaliw talaga ang pag-ibig. Napailing na lang ako. Tingnan mo ang isang ito, gagawin ang lahat para makausap lang ulit si Muse.

In the end, both of them got into Snyder's car. Si Muse yata ang driver at mukhang namumutla si Snyder habang papasok ng kotse. Nang mawala sila sa paningin ko ay tinitigan ko si Etienne na ngayon ay nakahilig na sa lamesa.

"Tara na, umuwi na tayo."

"Di mo naman ako pinapansin," nagtatampong saad ni Etienne.

I sighed. "It's just a text, Etienne. Ano ba ang gusto mong sabihin no'n? Gusto mo ba ng 'Love you, huwag ka papagutom, ikaw ang ang sisiw na mamahalin ko forever'?" I sarcastically exclaimed.

"Oo," walang hiyang saad n'ya. "Gusto ko ng gano'n. . ."

"Lambingin mo sarili mo," I snickered.

"Bakit ka ba galit sa akin? Mahal naman kita. . ."

"Mahal mo pero may babae ka?" I jeered and sat on the chair in front of him. "Must be nice to live without worrying about a child, huh? "

"Lavy. . ."

"It takes me back to the days where I have to fucking break down while taking care of our child. Alam mo bang habang nag-re-review 'yong mga kaklase ko sa med school, pinapatahan ko ang anak mong umiiyak kasi may sakit?" my voice cracked. Hindi ko inaasahan na ngayon ako aatakehin ng nararamdaman ko.

I'm trying to put everything behind too. Gusto ko rin naman talagang mag-move on na lang. Gusto ko na lang kalimutan ang lahat ng nangyari kasi nag-sorry naman na e. Gumagawa naman siya ng paraan para maging okay kami. Pero sa pinakailalim ng puso ko, may nararamdaman pa rin akong galit sa sarili dahil pilit kong tinatanggap si Etienne dahil alam ko rin sa sarili ko na may kasalanan din ako.

"Lavy. . ."

"A-alam kong baka lahat kayo naka-move on na," I sobbed. Pinalis ang luha na patuloy tumutulo nang walang pahintulot ko. "B-baka nga naka-move on na rin ako. Pero kahit naka-move on na ako, masakit pa rin. Hindi naman porke't nakalimot ka na, hindi na masakit. Hindi 'yon gano'n. . ."

Pinipilit ko naman ilagay sa nakaraan ang lahat pero kapag nakikita ko 'yong mga mag-asawa noon na sabay nilang pinapalaki ang anak nila. Binibisita ako ng inggit dahil hindi gano'n ang naging sitwasyon ko. I wanted to tell Etienne badly but the fear of rejection always blooms in my chest. I always envisage how the way his back would turn back on us would not only shatter me, it would take the last ounce of hope in my heart.

I smiled through the tears. "I only want a complete family because Leven deserves that. Pero kung inaasahan mong babalik ako sa 'yo. . . Why would I go back to the person who gave me so much pain?"

Bakit ang dali-dali nilang makalimutan ang ginawa nila sa akin? Why did they have to make me feel that the affliction and the situation that I went through wasn't as painful as it is?

Hindi naman porke't kinaya ko, ibig sabihin no'n ay wala lang 'yon para sa akin.

Parang nawala ang pagkalasing ni Etienne. He slowly lifted his head from the table and leaned on his seat. Tahimik n'ya akong tinitigan bago unti-unting napabuntonghininga.

"I'm sorry," Etienne said in a pained voice. "The reason why I never brought up your pain is because I didn't want to remind you of the days that you suffered because of me. Alam ko rin na walang saysay ang sorry ko, pero 'yon lang talaga ang nasasabi ko ngayon. . ."

The air that surrounds us was dreadful. It was deafening that we can't speak about our pain because we know we can't do anything about it.

"What girl?" tanong n'ya.

"May kasama kang babae kanina," I said. "Wala naman sa akin 'yon."

Napaisip nang saglit si Etienne at napabuntonghininga. "I don't want to create a misunderstanding anymore. I lost you and six years in Leven's life because of that. Si Arrisea ang kasama no'n, she's with me because I'm trying to fix their relationship. . ."

Napaawang ang labi ko. Hindi naging pamilyar si Arrisea sa akin dahil ilang taon na rin ang nagdaan. Sanay din ako na maikli ang buhok n'ya. I bit my lip, mukhang sumabog ako dahil sa selos at sa sobrang pagkikimkim.

"I'm sorry, I didn't approach you. It's not like I didn't want to. Pero kapag nakikita kita, hindi ko maiwasan isipin na baka mas maganda ang buhay mo kay Caer. And Leice was also born. . ."

Etienne laughed yet it sounded like force and his tears slowly fell on his cheeks. "I was so desperate that I even took a few of her hair to check. . . Baka. . . Sana . . . Tatay n'ya ako. That even if we didn't see each other. . . I just thought that maybe she was ours. . ."

"Etienne. . ."

His eyes expressed multitudes of pain. "I could destroy a relationship. . . Even a person. . . But I'm not bad enough to destroy a f-family."

Lahat ng sama ng loob ko ay napawi. Napagtantuan ko na kahit naman nasaktan n'ya ako, hindi ko pa rin talaga kayang makitang nasasaktan si Etienne. I can't invalidate his pain just because I got hurt.

"I even thanked God that Leice didn't look like you. Ikamamatay ko kung nagkaanak ka sa kan'ya na kamukha mo. That would break me, Lavy. Because that was my dream. You were my dream. . . And I lost you. I'm so sorry. . ."

Parang sinaksak ng punyal ang dibdib ko. The realization that we were still broken beings still trying to steer our lives to a better path. Hindi porke't okay na kami, ibig sabihin no'n ay hindi na kami nasasaktan ng nakaraan.

Etienne wetted his lips and slowly ascended from his seat. "I'm letting you go now. I'm sorry for ruining your life. Rest assure, si Leven na lang ang ugnayan nating dalawa."

❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜

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