Kabanata 43

"Balak mo ba akong pauwiin?" Nagtaas ako ng kilay sa kan'ya. I have no problem if he wants me gone, basta ba't kasama ko rin si Leven. Hindi ako papayag na wala si Leven sa tabi ko.

"No, I didn't mean it that way." Hinawi n'ya ang nalaglag na iilang piraso ng buhok n'ya sa kan'yang paningin. "Of course, you can stay. Baka lang kasi balak mo pang umuwi. Please stay the night with Leven."

"Of course, I'll stay with Leven." I reiterated.

He smiled. "I'll stay with Leven too."

My forehead knitted and I crossed my arms across my chest. "Hindi tayo p'wedeng nasa iisang kwarto lang."

He smirked. "I never said we'll be in the same room. Bakit ka gan'yan mag-isip, Lavy? Sabik na sabik ka ba sa kin?"

Agad na lumapat sa labi ko ang isang ngiwi. Ilang beses pa akong kumurap dahil baka anino lang talaga ito ni Etienne. Para kasing wala lang sa kan'ya ang pagtataboy sa akin noon?

I grunted.

Oh god, did he really just say that? Akala ba n'ya ay forgive and forget na lang kami? After all the drama he put me through?

Umiling-iling naman ako at tinalikuran na siya. He's not thinking right if he thinks that I'll be the same lovesick girl that pampers him. Sakalin ko pa siya e, pero bawal 'yon dahil baka makita kami ni Leven. Over the years, I practice being calm all the time. Hindi ko lang maipaliwanag kung bakit nagi-init talaga ang ulo ko pagdating sa kan'ya.

Pumunta ako sa dining table kung nasaan si Leven. Above us is the golden chandelier that I used to admire whenever we're here when we were young, iniisip ko noon kung paano ko ito itatakbo sakaling gipit na gipit na ako at kailangan ko na talagang takbuhan ang mga Reverio. Sobrang moderno ng mga bahay ng mga Soteiro ngunit hindi pa rin nawawala ang pagiging marangya nila.

"Mommy, p'wede ba natin iuwi 'yong bulldog sa labas?" tanong ni Leven habang nakaupo at kumakain ng isang steak.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit naglaway ako. It's not like I never tasted steak before, matagal lang akong hindi nakatikim. Hindi ko rin kasi hinahayaan na ilibre ako nina Snyder at Euan ng mga ganitong klaseng pagkain. I'm too indebted to them already, hihingi pa ba ako ng pang-steak?

"Kain na," anyaya ni Snyder.

"Busog pa ako —" my stomach rumbled sonorously.

Tumikhim naman si Etienne kaya napalingon ako sa kan'ya. He acted like he didn't do anything. Pero kitang-kita ko ang isang ngisi sa kan'yang labi.

"Mommy! Ang sarap ng burger steak nila! Parang galing kay tito Euan!" saad ni Leven habang punong-puno ang bibig. Pinunasan naman ni Snyder ang gilid ng labi nito, he's really attentive when it comes to kids. Kahit kay Leice ay ganito rin siya.

Everything that looks, feels and tastes good for Leven is immediately connected to Euan. Palagi n'ya kasing binibigyan ito ng mga pasalubong mula sa mga iba't ibang bansa na pinupuntahan n'ya sa tuwing may fashion show o di kaya'y isang exhibit. Ako lang talaga ang pumipigil kay Euan na itodo ang pangs-spoil sa anak ko. Ayoko kasing lumaki sa luho dahil di ko naman kayang panatilihin 'yon.

I sat next to Leven and he beamed at me. Tumusok siya sa piraso ng steak at sinubuan ako. I gladly took a bite and I smiled back at him.

"Share tayo, mommy?" ani Leven habang hinihiwa ang steak. Snyder probably taught him how to cut it. Ayaw kasi ni Leven na bini-baby pa siya.

"Mommy tawag mo kay Mama mo?" Etienne inquired, he sat next to Leven too. Lumingon sa kan'ya ang anak n'ya at ngumiti nang malawak.

"Yes! Sometimes, I call her mama too. And I call Tito Snyder as daddy. . ." kwento ni Leven habang nakatingin sa kan'yang ama.

"Leven, can I have a favor? A huge one?" Etienne coaxed, his eyes never leaving Leven.

Humagikhik si Leven. "What is it? Do I get a prize, papa?"

"Yes, whatever you want."

"Ano gagawin ko, papa?" Leven's eyes twinkled in delight.

Pinapanood ko lang silang dalawa. They were so casual as if they weren't separated for years. Ni hindi nga ako nakaramdam ng awkwardness sa kanilang dalawa. I have to admit that Etienne is trying his best not to let Leven feel any gap between them and the enthusiasm that my son has for his father is remarkable.

"You should always call your mother as mama," malambing na sabi ni Etienne.

"Why, papa?" Leven craned his neck.

"Because you call me papa, so you should call her mama too. Para pareho kami, not mommy. . ."

My forehead creased and I even peered towards Snyder's direction. He was mirroring my exact reaction.

"Daming alam, gumamit lang ng proteksyon hindi," Snyder gulped down a drink.

I shrugged. "Daming alam, makinig lang hindi. . ." dagdag ko.

"May galit ba kayo sa akin?" Etienne murmured.

I faked a cough because of that. Hindi ito pinansin ni Etienne dahil patuloy lang siya sa pakikinig sa kwento ng kan'yang anak. Nagulat si Etienne nang kumuha ng pasta si Leven at nilagay sa kanin n'ya. My face blanched as I realized why Leven did that.

Inuulam ko ang noodles noong walang-wala kami. Bumibili ako ng pagkain ni Leven na hiwalay dahil ayoko naman na nag-u-ulam din siya ng instant noodles. Minsan sa sobrang gutom ay hindi ko na nagagawang itago kay Leven ang pagkain ko kaya nahuhuli n'ya akong inuulam ito.

"Do you like carbonara in your rice?" tanong ni Etienne, ang kan'yang daliri ay tinatapik ang lamesa. The soft tapping makes me shift my weight.

"Mama likes noodles in her rice," sagot ni Leven at sinubo ang pasta na may kanin. His eyes broadened as if he discovered a new dish.

I grimaced. "Leven, that's not the same noodles that I eat."

"Yep! This one looks more yummy. Your noodles are dry, mama."

Hindi ko nililingon si Etienne pero tumigil na siya sa ginagawa n'yang pagtapik sa lamesa. I could feel his scorching stare though, parang binubutas na ako sa sobrang lalim ng tingin n'ya sa akin.

"Saan ka matutulog, papa? Sa tabi ko ba o sa tabi ni mama?"

"I'm not sure yet," Etienne caressed Leven's cheeks. Tinanggal ang sauce na kumalat dito.

"What if tabi-tabi tayo?"

Nasamid ako. Agad akong umiling kay Leven. Nangangarap nang gising si Etienne kung akala n'ya ay papayag ako! The bond between the both of us is only connected through Leven. Hindi ko nakikita ang sarili kong katabi si Etienne sa kama.

"Hindi p'wede, Leven." Etienne said. Lumingon siya sa akin habang may ngiti sa labi. "Baka kasi may mabuo."

Nalaglag ang panga ko. My jaw almost reached the floor because of his ridiculous statement. I wanted to smack him right here and right now but Leven was looking at him in awe.

"Anong mabubuo?!" Leven asked.

"Sama ng loob, 'nak." I cleared out. Tinitigan ko nang masama si Etienne pero patuloy lang ang pagngiti n'ya sa akin. What's worse, he looks clearly entertained.

"Dami talagang alam, lumuhod lang hindi. . ." tuya ni Snyder. Etienne only stared at him for a while before shrugging.

Snyder's phone beeped. He looked at it before taking the call and excusing himself. Lalo tuloy nangamba ang puso ko dahil tatlo na lang kami ngayon sa lamesa.

I was irrational for not showing Leven to Etienne earlier than how it is now. Pero masisisi ba nila ako kung alam ko naman na hindi ito gusto ni Etienne? Or that's what I thought. Kahit naman gusto ni Etienne si Leven, we were not okay during that time and I was pregnant — my emotions overpowered me.

"I still have a job, Leven. Kaya baka di tayo p'wedeng magtabi ngayon."

"Okay, papa. Di ka naman na aalis 'di ba?"

Umangat ang tingin ko kay Leven na hindi tinatanggal ang tingin sa kan'yang ama. Etienne froze on his seat but gradually nodded.

"Hindi na ako aalis, Leven."

Saka lang pumayag si Leven na mag-hot bath bago magpalit ng pajamas. Nagtataka pa rin ako kung paano nakakakuha si Etienne ng mga ganitong bagay nang sobrang bilis. Pero nawawala lang siguro sa isip ko na mayaman nga pala siya. It was nothing when it came to him.

Sa malaking kama ay kitang-kita ko ang tuwa na bumahid sa mukha ni Leven. He was even jumping in bed. Agad naman siyang lumulubog sa sobrang lambot nito. Ginawa pa ngang trampoline, I can't help but smile at him.

Bumalot na rin ang antok sa sistema ni Leven at nakatulog na din siya. The room was almost half the size of our entire apartment. Mas sinampal lang sa akin ang pagitan sa aming dalawa ni Etienne.

Contrary to my son, hindi bumibigat ang talukap ng mga mata ko. I was playing with Leven's hair while hearing his soft snores. Napabuntonghininga ako at nagdesisyon na bumaba na lamang upang kumuha ng kape.

My steps were slow as I examined the difference between our lifestyles. Nakita ko na bukas pa ang ilaw sa kusina kaya naman pinuntahan ko ito. I saw a bottle of whiskey and a half empty shot glass on the counter. Napakapit ako sa aking robe habang pinapanood si Etienne na nagtatago ng mga cup noodles, pasta o kahit anong pampahaba ng buhay. He was disregarding them as if he's about to throw them away.

"Gabi na," I decided to show myself even if he didn't acknowledge me. "Bukas mo na ako taguan ng pagkain, gago ka rin talaga 'no? Nagawa mo pa akong gantihan," pagbibiro ko.

Lumingon siya sa akin at pulang-pula ang gilid ng mga mata n'ya. He was wearing a neat white shirt and gray sweatpants, halata na hindi rin siya makatulog.

"Sorry. . ." he mumbled. "I just couldn't stand the idea that these were the food that you ate because of my negligence."

"It was my choice," pag-a-alo ko. "Ako naman ang may gusto no'n. Hindi mo kasalanan."

I knew he had obligations over Leven but to me? Wala naman siyang obligasyon sa akin. Hindi n'ya dapat dinidibdib ang mga nangyari sa akin noon. I did have a hard time figuring things out but they turned out well. I made sure that Leven never felt that he needed more than what he had with me. Hindi naman nagutom si Leven dahil sa sitwasyon namin.

"Sorry. . ." he murmured, as if he was a scolded child. Kinuha n'ya ang shot glass at nilagok ito.

"No need."

"I had interns before and you knew that I have a lot of enemies so some letters or mails from the outsiders are disregarded even before I can see them. Hindi ko naman alam na dahil doon ay mawawalan ako ng ilang taon na kasama si Leven. . ."

Napalunok naman ako. "It was my fault too. Dapat harap-harapan ko na lang sinabi. Hindi na sana tayo humantong sa ganito. . ."

Etienne chuckled hoarsely. "Can you please stop taking blame for everything? Alam mo naman sa sarili mo na mas malaki ang kasalanan ko."

"Gago ka ba? Ano? Magpaparamihan pa tayo ng sala ngayon? What happened between us is a fucking modern retelling of Romeo and Juliet. The only good thing is we're both still alive."

Naglagay siya ng whiskey sa kan'yang shot glass. "I wonder if we just talked it out. . ."

"I wonder if you've just listened. . ."

He peered at me with his bloodshot eyes. "Sorry. I just got tired of proving that you were in love with me. Caer was the option that you had ever since and I felt like everything you do for me was a payment because you think I suffered too much just so I could help you be with your mom. . ."

He sounded incoherent. Halata sa kan'yang pananalita na may alak na sa loob ng kan'yang sistema. Maybe that's also one of the reasons why he's very open to me now.

"Bakit hindi mo ako hinanap? Gano'n ka ba kagalit sa akin noon?"

Umiling siya. "I was angry alright. Pero naisip ko rin na baka nasasakal ka lang sa akin? Na baka nga pinatulan mo lang ako dahil kailangan mong bayaran 'yong ginawa ko para sa 'yo? Love made me feel so insecure. At kahit anong sabihin ko sa sarili ko na mahal mo naman ako, I'm always haunted of the fact that Caer can take care of you better."

"Caer and I were never together."

"Really?" He smiled solemnly. "You know how it feels that everyone told me that you're getting married. . . You finally had a kid with Caer. . ."

Umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya. Palapit nang palapit si Etienne sa akin, he's closing the remaining distance between the us. Naramdaman ko ang paglagay n'ya ng kan'yang ulo sa aking balikat.

"I don't care about what others think but when it comes to you. . . Natatanga talaga ako, Lavy. Kapag ikaw na 'yong pinaguusapan, nawawala ako sa sarili ko. I feel like you're my achilles' heel."

"I was. . ." he was crying on my shoulders. I only stiffened because I didn't know how to console him. Baka dala lang ito ng alak pero ngayon ko lang siya nakitang umiyak nang ganito.

"I was fucking grateful that. . ." he sobbed like a child. "Na hindi mo kamukha 'yong anak n'yo ni Caer." He laughed but his tears were continously staining my skin.

"A-anong laban ko kung sakaling may pamilya ka na talaga? I thought that I should be fucking over you because even if I was evil. . . I can't ruin a family, Lavy. I can't ruin your happiness. Not when I know all your life, all you ever wanted was a complete and happy family. . ."

Hindi ko alam bakit naantig ang damdamin ko. Pinalis ko ang mga luhang lumabas mula sa aking mga mata. I gently patted him on the back.

"M-may family event si L-leven sa school. . ." I said amidst his uncontrollable sobbing.

Tumango naman siya.

"P-pumunta ka. Sorpresahin mo si Leven. Kung sa akin lang, hindi mo na kailangan bumawi. Naiintindihan naman kita, okay? Pero kay Leven. . . Si Leven ang kailangan na kailangan ka. . ."

"Okay. . ." Etienne held me on arms. "Sorry Lavy. . . Sorry. . ."

He reminds me of Leven so much. Ngumiti lang ako at napabuntonghininga.

"Pahinga ka na, Etienne. Nandito naman na kami."

I was so sure that even if I already know that we were never the same as before, gagawin ko ang lahat upang maging okay ang pamilya namin para kay Leven. He deserves to have Etienne in his life. Kahit hindi pa ako tuluyang okay sa pagbalik ni Etienne sa buhay ko, ayoko naman pagkaitan si Leven ng ama.

I just have to give Etienne a chance. Not for me, but for Leven.

Dumating ang family event na pinakahihintay ni Leven. I was nervous because this was the first event that Leven anticipated. Terno kami ng damit ni Leven at may dala akong t-shirt para kay Etienne. Kabado talaga ako ngayon dahil hindi pa rin ako sanay na may ama si Leven sa mga ganap n'ya ngayon.

Nanglaki ang mga mata ko dahil sa nagkukumpulan na mga tao at mga bata. I saw Leven beaming and giggling like a champion. I tilted my head and tried to get a closer look on their area.

Bakit sobrang saya nila?

Lalong nanglaki ang mga mata ko nang makita kung bakit sila nagkakagulo at bakit tuwang-tuwa ang anak ko.

"Leven! Leven! Ang dami mong papa!"

Humagikhik si Leven. "Sabi ko sa inyo marami akong papa e!"

"Edi Leven! Ang dami palang mahal ng mama mo."

"Oo nga, Leven bakit tatlo tatay mo?"

❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜

Thank you for reading po! Thank you for the thoughts and patience. I lavyu. ♡

ᥫ᭡ li