ETIENNE

(Happy Anniversary, Alliviates! Here's my gift for you.)

Kabanata 41

"Lavy won't cry. Not over me, to say the least."

I craned my neck to Adren's direction, watching him move his lips as if he's not convinced that Lavender is strong enough to withstand the cold treatment. I mean, hindi ko naman siya masisisi. I was as nervous as him but not because I think Lavender cannot handle it. . .

Pinagpapawisan pa ako kahit malamig naman sa loob ng opisina ni Adren. That woman would kill me one day, I swear to heavens that she'll be my death.

Paano kung mapa-I love you ako bigla? Edi putangina 'di ba?

I sighed, napasapo sa aking sintido. It's for the betterment anyway. I can't look at her the same way as before. At babalewalain ko na lang ba ang mga nangyari sa aming dalawa?

Besides, she has a family with Caer. And she's probably only talking to me because of the current situation. Kahit parang imposible dahil lahat ng baraha ay na kay Adren na.

I bitterly smirked because frankly I wanted to help her but certainly not in the way that would benefit Dayanara and Alfos. Mareena can get out of there, Adren and I just need a little more time. At sa gano'ng paraan, Lavy could freely move without eyes tailing her.

My hand felt cold when I realized how fucked up I am. Di ko na siya p'wedeng mahalin. The woman is already married and she already has a kid. In all aspects, it's wicked and cruel to even have a trance of affection for her.

"Bakit hindi mo hinanap si Solstice?" Adren asked as he poured himself a cup of coffee. Rinig na rinig ko ang patapos na tunog ng coffee machine at kumakalat naman ang amoy ng barako.

"Why should I?" I nonchalantly replied, diverting my sight to somewhere else.

"Tayong dalawa lang ang nandito. Pati ba naman sa akin hindi ka magsasabi ng totoo?" Sumimsim si Adren sa kan'yang kopita.

I pressed my lips using a finger and smirked. "Why should I tell you? Sino ka ba sa aming dalawa? Why should you know? I don't really like people knowing my business. . ."

He shrugged. "You know everything about me."

"But it doesn't mean that you should know everything about me," I smiled at him. Pinagdaop ko ang mga kamay ko habang binabalik ang tingin ni Adren.

People liked to assume they entailed a part of you whenever they got a piece of truth from your being. Honestly, that's irksome and it makes me pissed off whenever some people think they know me.

I don't even know myself that much. Buti pa sila kung gano'n, mas kilala pa nila ako kaysa sa sarili ko.

Back to the question, did I try to look for Solstice? I did. And whenever I tried, Caer was always with her. It was fucking torture to see her not trying to please him but gets along with him so well.

It makes me think that everything about the both of us were illusions I made to make myself feel better for what happened to me —because of what I wanted to give her. That was my choice though, she shouldn't have given pity because I didn't ask for it.

Unsolicited pity is the worst gift you could ever give to someone. And Solstice Lavender Reverio gave that to me for years. I just wanted to be loved by her, 'yon lang naman — she didn't need to please me every time. It makes me feel more unwanted than ever.

Tumikhim si Adren. "Solstice grew up in a loveless environment, she doesn't know how to express her love that much. Pero mahal ka n'on."

"How sure can you be?"

"I'm a Reverio myself, asshole."

I sneered. "Mahal? Pero nagpakasal sa iba? Nagka-anak sa iba? Really. . .Ang hardcore n'yo naman magmahal."

"You don't even know if Leice is actually their daughter," giit ni Adren at binaba ang kopita n'ya.

"I did," I coldly said. "When I saw them, kumuha ako ng iilang buhok sa bata. The baby even cried. It matched with Caer's, Adren."

"Did you expect it would match yours?"

I smiled weakly. "Gago ka ba? Anong tingin mo sa sperm? Lumilipad sa ere? O-of course not, di naman ako bobo. Ang tagal na naming tapos, it w-was dumb. . ."

As stupid as it may sound, I was praying that it would matched mine miraculously. Pero kay Caer talaga 'yong bata. At no'ng huling kita ko sa kanila, pinagkakaguluhan ang pribadong kasal nila. I had to control my emotions during that day. Hindi ko alam kung paano sila kinasal pero pinagtataka ko kung bakit hindi ko nalaman kung saan at kung kailan. It makes me think that the Esmaels have something to do with it. Protection? Revenge? Yeah, probably revenge. Pumalatak ako habang iniisip ang isang tao na kaya 'yon gawin.

Snyder Esmael was worse than me. I admit my wicked ways, but him? He's sly like a fox. His family looks like the privileged art collectors but they're much more powerful than how they want to be portrayed.

I wanted to dig deeper but I was taking caution because the more that I know, the more that I get hurt. Paano kung masaya pala siya na wala na ako sa buhay n'ya? What if all those years without me, she was able to enjoy the life that she always envisioned?

Paano kung masaya na talaga siya kay Caer?

Napapikit ako nang mariin. My hand unconsciously played with a pen since I didn't bring any rubix cubes to play with.

What you don't know won't hurt you.

The moment that we broke up, I actually followed her to beg that I'll do better — I'll stop manipulating things to turn my ideals into reality. Kaso ang bumungad sa akin ay siya na mukhang masaya kausap si Caer. Like we didn't just break up. As if she was just waiting for me to end things with her.

My body froze upon remembering how much I loathed that scene. Yet, it was more painful that the cigarette burns and the torture that I had to go through when I was. . . Stop it. Think of happy thoughts. Napapikit naman ako at inisip si Lavy pero lalo lang akong nasasaktan.

How can I do anything about that? Kung mas masaya siya kay Caer bakit ko ba pinipilit na dapat siyang maging akin? Maybe all the time that we had was a fucking payment. . . Because she felt sorry for me.

"Nag-usap kayo kanina?"

"No," I said and smirked. "Baka makalimutan n'ya si Caer kapag nag-usap kaming dalawa."

"O baka makalimutan mo na galit ka? For the apparent betrayal? Did you really believe the accusations that Lavender cheated on you?"

"No. . ." Umiling ako. "Lavender is a lot of things but she won't cheat."

"Then why didn't you talk to her? Bakit hindi mo na siya kinakausap?"

"Because. . ." I zipped my lips. "That's my story to tell, not yours."

Kinuha ko ang juul ko at tumayo na upang tumigil na si Adren sa mga tanong n'ya. He's still under the control of his grandfather and the constant longing for his dear Arrisea makes him a bit or maybe more annoying than he is in his usual days.

Napailing na lang ako habang naglalakad palabas ng opisina n'ya.

Lavender deserves someone who is kind, understanding and someone who she doesn't have to justify the acts being committed. With me, she can't have that person. I was never the good guy.

I can't be the good guy.

I could pretend I am but that's too much hassle. I never really understand the reason why people always aim to have a good image to maintain — don't they get tired of reaching expectations?

When you're the bad guy or the villain, people expect less from you and commend you for the little good acts you do. It's hypocritical how the world sees in black and white when there's always a gray line in between.

"Hey," someone called me. Nilingon ko naman ito at nakita ang pinsan ko palang babae. We often refer to her as muse because it irks her. Well, that's how we call her because she refused to use her real name since it reminds her of something.

Sinabayan n'ya ako sa paglalakad patungo sa labas. She was waiting for me, huh? Halata na wala pa siyang kompiyansa sa sarili n'ya. That's a problem, a huge one. Lalo na dahil si Chloette mismo ang may ayaw sa kan'ya. If she can't even intimidate Snyder's sister, she's bound to cry over an Esmael.

Muse. A little smirk played on my lips. Oh, how lovely a sight it is to see Snyder Esmael breaking down because as much as he wanted to get rid of his connections — he fell right into the rabbit hole.

"I'm scared, what if they won't take me seriously?" she uttered in her soft voice. "Hindi ako sanay sa ganito. At baka isipin nila na. . . I am not fit to be a Soteiro."

"You're a lost heiress," I snorted. "Everyone would love an underdog tale."

She was one of my problems. Bakit ba ang hilig ko problemahin ang problema ng iba? Ugh, I don't even want to know about Euan's problem. I don't wanna disturb my peace any further.

Natigilan kami ng pinsan ko nang makita si Snyder na may hawak-hawak na bata. My cousin was petrified on her spot as she examined Snyder and the kid.

Kumunot naman ang noo ko sa nadatnan. The kid looked around and as soon as he spots me, nanigas siya sa kan'yang kinatatayuan.

"A-ah, ano teka. . ." she panicked and glared at Snyder. Nagulat ako dahil hindi naman siya galit dito. I mean, as far as I know, siya ang may kasalanan kay Snyder. Not the other way around.

The kid was over clothed and had black rimmed glasses on. I couldn't see his eyes because of the tinted shades. Nagtaas ako ng kilay dahil sobrang out of the blue ang pagpunta rito ni Snyder.

The kid had his lips parted upon seeing me. May anak ba si Snyder? Kaya ba siya iniwan ni Muse? How the hell did he hide it from us?

"Etienne," Snyder swallowed hard. "Uh, can we talk? Privately?"

"Snyder," ani ng pinsan ko. "You. . . Anong ginawa mo?"

Snyder sighs and diverted his sight. "Just please, kaming dalawa lang muna ang mag-u-usap."

"A-alam ba 'yan ni?" my cousin gulped and looked at me discreetly. "Ng nanay ng anak m-mo?"

"Huh? Anak ko?" Snyder winced and impatiently rolled his eyes. "Ikaw anakan ko e. You know that this isn't my child."

Lalong lumalim ang kunot ng noo ko. The kid kept on looking at me, like I'm a prized candy or a toy that he has always wanted. He was trembling too.

"Kay Adren ba 'yan?" I asked, out of curiosity. Did Arrisea have a child with him? No, I would have known. Nakakausap ko silang pareho.

"We have to talk. In private," giit ni Snyder sa akin.

I signaled my cousin to go somewhere else. Wala naman siyang nagawa kundi umalis at yumuko bago mawala sa aming paningin. Niyaya ko si Snyder sa isang conference room na walang tao. I don't think Adren would mind if I use this for a while.

"What is it?"

"The kid. . ." Snyder presented him to me. Hawak-hawak n'ya ang bata sa braso nito habang nakatingala ito sa akin. I blinked a few times.

He was small but he was fidgeting his fingers while looking at me. Kita ko sa likod ng kan'yang salamin ang isang ekspresyon na tila ba isa akong ginto.

"Anak mo."

Nabilaukan ako. I coughed and broadened my eyes.

What the fuck? Anak? Namutla naman ako dahil sa pagkakaalam ko, I never had any girlfriends after Lavender. I wanted her to be my last and now that isn't possible anymore, I didn't want my hopes up.

"I don't have a child." I cleared it out for them. "I never had any sexual intercourse after my relationship with. . ."

The kid started hiccuping. Nakuha nito ang atensyon ko.

I wetted my lips and my head tracked back to the kid. "Ilang taon ka na?"

"S-six! I turned six kahapon! It w-was my birthday!" He was still hiccuping. Mukhang naiiyak.

My face blanched.

What the fuckery fuck?

"What's your name?"

"Leverett Neacal!" he excitedly told me. "Mama named me after you!"

"I never had any relationship besides Solstice and she wasn't pregnant when we broke up," bulong ko kay Snyder. I didn't want the child to hear it. He looks enthusiastic upon seeing me.

I never really feel any emotion aside from annoyance nowadays but this kid is making me feel a bit. . . Funny.

I caressed his hair and he beamed at me. How cute.

Snyde shrugged off. "Halata naman na mahal na mahal ka no'ng nabuntis mo, tingnan mo pinangalan pa sa 'yo."

My forehead knotted. "Sino ba?"

"Find it out yourself."

"What the heck?" I glared at him and looked at the kid again. Tinanggal ko ang kan'yang salamin at napatunayan ko nga na maaaring anak ko siya.

No.

I was certain that he was my child. His eyes scream my entire identity. He was smiling from ear to ear. His hair was jet black, chinky gray eyes and his lips were formed like how mine was sculpted.

Nagulat ako nang yakapin n'ya ako nang mahigpit. I was caught off guard when he started crying on my shoulder.

"P-papa, I miss you. . ."

"I miss you, Etienne. . ."

I don't know why I heard Lavender's voice inside my head upon hearing the same words from Leverett. I hugged him back and patted him on the back.

"I m-miss you too. . ." I told Leverett and probably to Lavender too. She wouldn't know anyway. His small fingers touched my cheeks.

"Bakit ka po umiiyak?"

"Di ah," I chuckled and wiped the tears away. Bakit ko ba siya iniiyakan? Kakakilala ko pa lang sa kan'ya. I don't even know if he's really my child. . .I just feel like we're bound to each other. "Nagpapawis lang mga mata ko."

"Oh," he innocently nodded his head. "Madalas po palang magpawis ang mata ko." He laughed and it made me bite my lower lip to suppress my anger for myself.

Almost six fucking years. . .

I can't cry infront of Leverett.

I drew a deep breath before smiling at him. I can manipulate others but for some reason, I can't manipulate my own emotions. Hindi ko kayang lokohin ang sarili ko na okay lang. That was almost six whole years without my presence. Gulong-gulo pa rin ako habang yakap-yakap ko si Leverett. I didn't want to let him go anymore.

He's going to stay with me.

Inuwi ko si Leverett sa villa namin. I also texted Mama and Papa about my son and both of them were shocked. Lalo na nang malaman nila kung ilang taon na ito. Mama's concern was replaced with excitement because she likes children, tinatanong n'ya kung sino ang ina nito pero hindi ko masagot. My parents know how much I dislike talking about Lavender, it brings a lot of memories that I keep on trying to forget.

"Lavender wasn't pregnant when she was with me." I said frankly.

"You had unprotected sex," Snyder grimaced. "Remember? Tanga ka ba?"

I shifted my sight. "May condom that time. . ."

"Pero di mo ginamit kasi tanga ka."

That made my lips parted. Humilig ako sa isang silya bago siya lingunin muli. I wanted to take a break because everything is making me feel dazed and confused. I couldn't understand the logic that I wasn't able to find it out. Sure, I didn't search for Lavender and all but I should have at least known. . .

"Did she hide it from me then?" I was utterly confused. Right, nag-away kami pero hindi naman 'yon rason para hindi n'ya sabihin sa akin. She even approached me a couple of times. . .

Oh.

"Yeah," I nodded and admitted, my tongue touching the side of my cheeks. "Tanga nga ako."

My shoulders squared and Snyder sniggered at me. Parang ang tanga-tanga ko naman sa paningin n'ya. He had the audacity to even laughed at me sarcastically.

All this time? Umiling-iling naman ako. That's impossible. Pero hindi ko rin matanggal ang posibilidad na gano'n na nga ang nangyari sa aming dalawa. Maybe we didn't understand each other not because of the timing and the situation but because we refused to have proper communication.

I wanted her to live a life where she doesn't have to always align herself to please me. I refused to talk to her because I knew she was my downfall. I can't be as heartless as others paint me to be whenever I'm around her and I wasn't willing to be weak for someone who only pitied me.

"Do I have to pretend that I don't know?" I asked Snyder, generally confuse about everything. "I can pretend that I don't know that she's the mother."

"Bakit naman?"

"I just feel like she has a reason for hiding the kid. And as long as I haven't figure it out, I'm willing to play dumb." I played with my juul, I wanted to take a smoke but I've realized that Leverett might question the smell.

"It was because you were not listening to her. Puro ka kasi Caer, fan behavior 'yan?" he sneered at me.

"Hindi sila kasal ni Caer?" I swallowed hard.

"No. Why?"

Nanglaki ang mga mata ko. Kaya ba wala akong mahagilap na kasal? Kaya ba parang hindi rin nila masabi sa akin ang mga detalye? Lavender was single all along and she was pregnant with my child?

Natutuliro pa rin ako. Everything is currently vague, as if it is covered in mist.

"What about Leice? Anak ba nilang dalawa 'yon?"

Napalunok ako. One of the reasons why I wanted to forget about her is because when I tried to look for her, may anak na raw ito kay Caer. I was numb after knowing that news.

I couldn't harm an innocent kid's future. Hindi naman ako gano'n ka-sama. Sure, Caer is innocent too, pero wala akong pakialam sa kan'ya. I did help him get away from a shotgun marriage by arranging another marriage though.

"No," Snyder answered. "Pero sa ginawa mo, I think Caer would be protective of Lavy."

"What happened to them? I never really check," I confessed but also half lied. Although for the past years, I did nothing but work. Pinigilan ko ang sarili ko na hanapin si Lavender dahil kahit mahal ko siya — a part of me was just tired.

I really just wanted a rest. From everything including her.

The Reverios also sent me a package. Agad na sumama ang timpla ng mukha ko nang maalala 'yon. It was a confession of Lavender that she only dated me because of her mother. Alam ko naman na baka may ginawa sila para sabihin 'yon ni Lavy, pero ang sakit na galing 'yon sa kan'ya.

Kahit naman hindi n'ya ako mahalin, tutulungan ko pa rin siya. Pitying me only made me feel bad that she had to be with me because she felt like she's indebted.

"Good." I nodded and opened my phone, preparing things. Medyo nanginginig pa ang kamay. "I wouldn't like to destroy a family in the process. I want to build my own family, with Leverett and possibly. . .With her."

Bahagyang natawa si Snyder at umiling-iling. "You rejected her when she needed you the most, sa tingin mo ba mauuto mo pa si Lavender? For what I know, she'll definitely make it hard for you. She's a Reverio, the only reason she went to you was because Leven wanted a father. Pero kung sakaling di naghanap 'yon ng ama, Lavender could have lived without you too."

I know.

Napalingon ako kay Leverett. Naninikip ang dibdib ko nang marinig na Leven ang tawag sa kan'ya. It was only six years but I felt like I've lost a lifetime with him. Hindi ko man lang nasaksihan kung paanong naging Leven ang palayaw n'ya. It hurts, badly.

I can't do anything about the past but I can always have the future with him.

"Papahirapan ka n'on," Snyder warned me and clicked his tongue out. "Are you really sure you want to pursue Lavender again? P'wede naman kayong maging civil na lang. Leven is a smart kid, he'll understand the arrangements."

I shrugged off. "Kung galit si Lavender, deserve ko naman. . ."

Snyder sighed exasperatedly. "Ewan ko sa inyong dalawa. Bagay nga kayo, pareho kayong mahirap intindihin."

"I have a lot to say to Lavender." I smirked and showed him my phone. Plan B, just in case that Caer wasn't her husband.

Nanglaki naman ang mga mata sa akin ni Snyder. My son was currently sleeping because he got tired. Naglaro kami ng kung anu-ano dahil pinagbigyan ko siya. Leverett was a nice kid and every time I look at him, he symbolizes hope that even if I wasn't the best — I can still be better than before.

"And probably one of them is 'will you marry me'," I nervously laughed and immediately looked at the window. I squinted my eyes at the gate, it seems like my future wife is here.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜

Thank you for being with me for a year now! I was hesitant to release Etienne's POV because I know he will be vague as a character. But here's a gift from me to you for celebrating our first anniversary! Never have I imagine I'll have a readership as supportive as you guys. Thank you for staying. Thank you for being here. To more stories!

Balik regular updates na po ako! (Wednesday and Friday) ! Next update will be on Friday. Maraming salamat po sa paghihintay. Bawi po ako sa bakasyon.

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