Kabanata 40

Halos mapugto ang hininga ko nang matapos ang presentation. I was too numb because of the criticisms stated by the members of the board. Alam ko naman na may duda sila sa akin dahil hindi ako kasali sa mismong pagbuo nila ng mga plano. The last strike was probably cause by me because now they will really conclude that Mareena is incompetent to lead. Hindi nito kaya panindigan ang posisyon na gusto n'ya at umaasa pa sa iba upang bumango ang kan'yang pangalan.

Napahilig ako sa pader nang wala sa oras. Nahihilo dahil sa pagod at sa mga iniisip. I really can't handle this, kailangan ko itong ipasa sa mas professional at mas marunong sa business. Tama naman ang mga sinabi sa akin kanina na wala ako sa posisyon upang pagsabihan sila. My shares are not even mine anymore.

Narinig ko ang mga hakbang na patungo sa direksyon ko. Etienne was looking over his expensive watch and didn't even bother looking at me. Matulin ang direksyon ng kan'yang paglalakad.

"E-Etienne," I called him in a low voice.

Hindi n'ya ako nilingon kaya naman kumirot ang dibdib ko. I feel my heart being constricted to nothingness. Agad kong pinunasan ang mga mata ko upang matanggal ang bahid ng kahit anong luha.

"Etienne," I followed his lead. Hindi pa rin n'ya inaangat ang tingin n'ya sa akin.

"May sasabihin lang ako."

He didn't respond and his feetfalls were slowly speeding up. Adrenaline filled my veins as I concluded that I might lose my chance of talking to him.

Hinawakan ko siya sa braso kaya naman wala siyang nagawa kundi lumingon sa akin. His stare was too cold and it made me shiver, as if I was in an iceberg myself.

Napalunok ako. "P'wede ba tayong mag-usap?"

"Paano kung ayoko?" Binawi n'ya sa akin ang kan'yang braso. He smirked. "Never thought the day that the great Solstice will chase me. Bakit kaya? Nagsawa ka na kay Caer? Is that it?"

"Why do you always have to bring Caer in the discussion?" iritadong tanong ko. "I want to talk about us."

"There's no us."

"Etienne," I gulped the lump on my throat. It felt like there was an entire desert on it. "Please, let's talk."

"I don't know why you had to come back, Solstice." Etienne uttered as he walked near me. "Hindi ka na nga hinanap, nagpapakita ka naman. Ano bang gusto mo?"

Wow.

That fucking stings.

"Anong ibig mong sabihin?" pamimilit ko. Unti-unting natatauhan na nagmumukha akong desperada.

Pero si Leven. . . Leven's only wish was to see him. Kahit sandali lang. Kahit silip lang. Bakit ba hindi ko siya mapagbigyan? It's only a glimpse. It won't take that long. Kahit ilang segundo lang siyang magpanggap na mahal n'ya rin si Leven ay tatanaw na ako ng utang na loob. I was that desperate to make my son happy.

Etienne's eyebrow quirked up. "I meant what I said. I can't believe I use to fucking love you. You should stay where you are. Away from this place. Away from the Reverios and the socialites. Away from me."

"S-sobra ka na," I sobbed quietly. "Kahit pakinggan mo lang ako, hindi naman sobrang hirap n'on e. Alam kong may di tayo pagkakaintindihan pero sobrang tagal na n'on, Etienne. Hanggang ngayon ba wala ka pa ring tiwala sa a-akin?"

Etienne glanced at me coldly. "I'm wasting time because of you. You should just go."

He turned to walk away from me but I held his arm once again. "K-kung mahal mo pa ako, please stay. . .Just please stay for a bit."

He took a step forward and my heart shattered into pieces. Isang tapak lang 'yon papalayo sa akin pero ramdam na ramdam ko ang agwat naming dalawa.

"Can I go now?" Binawi n'ya sa akin ang braso n'ya mula sa akin. "Focus on your family, Solstice. I'm sure that even without me, you'll do well. Hindi ka naman siguro papabayaan ni CL." He smiled at me, which made me feel numb.

"You're such an asshole," I spat out. "Akala mo naman ang gwapo m-mo! Nakakainis ka! Bakit ba kasi gusto kang makita. . ." I halted my words as I bit my lower lip. Fuck. Bakit 'yon ang lumabas sa bibig ko?

"I used to be kind to you," Etienne gave a small smile. "And that didn't work out right? I'm typically like this, Solstice."

"What are you trying to imply, h-huh? Na gago ka talaga? Na tangina mo? Na na. . ." My mouth was forming insults but my chest can't even handle his nonchalant attitude.

He wasn't even moving. Nanatili lang siyang nakatitig sa akin. His coldness transcended the barriers between us.

Mas gugustuhin ko pang magalit sa akin si Etienne kaysa sa ganitong trato na tila ba nasemento na siya sa sobrang blangko. He acts as if I didn't matter to him. As if. . . I didn't spend years with him. As if we didn't see the future with each other.

"Na hindi na kita mahal. That's it, Solstice. I hope you can just leave me alone," he continued.

"Etienne," I wetted my lips before smiling at him, tears cascading down my cheeks. "I'm s-sorry for everything. I'm here to ask you to listen to me. The thing that happened back then, please let me at least e-explain. . .Pagkatapos n'on, hahayaan na kitang umalis."

Umiling si Etienne habang nakatingin sa akin nang diretso. "I was doing well without you. Hindi ko talaga alam bakit kailangan mo pang bumalik."

I came back because even if I deny it, I miss everything about you. Hindi pa nakatutulong na
kamukhang-kamukha mo ang anak natin.

"I miss you, Etienne. . ." I sobbed like a child. Like Leven who's waiting for his dad every single night to come home. The longing came endlessly. It made me feel vulnerable.

I can only be vulnerable to Etienne. He knows that. Alam n'yang siya lang ang sinasabihan ko ng mga bagay na bumabagabag sa akin.

His lips formed a quick smirk, almost in a mocking manner.

"Did you expect me to feel the same?" he mocked.

My lips parted. Nanghihina nga ako dahil sa mga nasabi ko ngunit ang mga sagot n'ya ang dumudurog sa akin. My whole body froze because of his statement.

"I told you, I was better off alone. Hayaan mo na ako, Solstice. Hindi ka ba nagtataka? I never looked for you. And you know how easy it is for me to track you down. Hindi kita hinanap, Solstice dahil hindi na kita mahal."

"You're lying. . ." I laughed it off, brushing the tears away. "Y-you're. . .That. . ."

Patuloy lang ako sa pagtawa habang ang mga luha ay bumabagsak na sa aking pisngi. Patuloy at walang mintis. I was trying to mask the pain. Hindi ako pinalaking mahina. Pero hanggang dito na lang yata ang lakas ko.

"You only love me when it's convenient, huh?" Etienne sniggered. "Kapag kailangan mo lang ako, doon mo lang ako mahal?"

My heart was being sliced by a dull knife. Pinupuro nito ang nararamdaman kong sakit. His accusation only made it worst.

I gradually nodded and let him walk away. Pinakinggan ko ang bawat hakbang n'ya papalayo sa akin. I cried harder as I went back to the car that I borrowed from Caer's. Doon na ako umiyak nang umiyak.

Ano na ang sasabihin ko ngayon kay Leven? Paano ko ipapaliwanag sa kan'ya na ganito na kami ng tatay n'ya? That his father despised me enough to make me feel so small? That even if I beg to my knees, baka lalo lang mairita sa akin si Etienne?

Tulala ako habang pinapaulit-ulit ang eksenang 'yon sa isip ko. My heart grew weary as time went by. Alam ko kasing habang lumalaki si Leven, lalo n'yang hahanapin sa akin ang ama n'ya.

"Say dada!" utos ni Leven kay Leice habang nakatabingi ang ulo nito kakatingin sa kan'ya.

"Dada!" gaya ni Leice.

"Good! Now, kapag nakita mo si CL ang tawag mo sa kan'ya ay dada, okay?"

"Ochi. . ." Tumango-tango si Leice.

I was looking after them when CL arrived with a bag of food in his hands. Mukhang nag-take out siya sa isang malapit na fast food. Nakasandal ako sa sofa habang naglalaro si Leven at Leice ngayon sa sala.

"Now, Leice! Greet tito CL!" Leven excitedly commanded, clapping.

"Chiyel! Chiyel!" Leice giggled. For a toddler, she was as bright as she could be. Napangiti naman ako.

Kaiaria must be really proud of CL. He was such a good father. Mas kinaya nga n'yang magpalaki ng anak kaysa sa akin. He always says that it was because of me that he was able to survive the situation but I beg to differ. Inaral n'ya talaga kung paano maging mabuting magulang.

"It should be dada!" Leven pouted and crossed his arms across his chest. "Not chiyel!"

"Chiyel! Isaw dada!" Bahagyang tinuro ni Leice si Leven at humagikhik. "Isaw chi dada!"

Leice calls Leven as dada. It made me remember that when Etienne saw Leice, she also called him dada. It was probably because they somehow look alike.

"Mommy!" Leven squealed and hugged me, tila naglalambing. "Malapit na birthday ko!"

Nabilaukan ako sa sarili kong laway. Of course, his birthday is so near. Parehong nagtama ang paningin namin CL. He was looking at me as if he's concern.

"You okay?" Caer mouthed. "Nakausap mo ba?"

Tumango naman ako. "I still tried. Ayaw talaga n'ya."

"Ayaw nino, Mommy?" Leven tilted his head to the side. Agad naman akong tumikhim at winaksi ang mga naiisip ko.

"Wala po," I played with his hair. "May pinag-uusapan lang kami ni tito CL mo."

"Okay. . ." Yumuko si Leven habang nasa walker naman si Leice at naghahanap ito ng laruan.

I didn't know how to say it to him. Ramdam ko naman na matagal na siyang nagtitiis na walang kasamang ama tuwing kaarawan n'ya. Nakakatampo na ako 'yong nandoon pero wala talaga siyang hinahanap kundi ang kan'yang ama.

A few days passed and Leven's birthday finally arrived. I was dreading this celebration. Alam ko na dapat ay masaya ako para sa anak ko pero hindi ko maiwasan ang isipin ano ang magiging reaksyon n'ya kapag nalaman n'ya ang katotohanan na wala na naman si Etienne sa birthday n'ya.

We celebrate his birthdays at our house. Sa simpling handaan ay masaya na si Leven pero palagi n'yang hinahanap ang ama n'ya. He invited some of his friends over, kaya naman umaga pa lang ay malawak na ang kan'yang ngiti.

"Leven! Nasaan na papa mo?"

"Wait lang! Parating na 'yon!" Leven beamed as he put on the party hat. He was wearing a royal blue polo and beige pants. Pawisan din siya pero amoy baby pa rin. Katatapos lang yata nilang maglaro sa sala.

Napalunok naman ako habang nilalabas ang spaghetti. I put it on the table and I got startled by Snyder who also decided to put the cake on the table too.

"Kinausap mo na ba si Etienne? Kanina pa n'ya pinagyayabang na dadating ang ama n'ya," ani Snyder. "Please don't let him down, the kid is in high spirits. Kanina pa siya mukhang endorphins na tinubuan ng tao."

"Ayaw nga n'ya. Makakalimutan din naman 'yon ni Leven. Taon-taon naman na nangyayari na wala si Etienne. . ."

Snyder sighed. "Hindi porke't nasanay na, hindi na siya masakit."

I was hoping that Leven would let this pass just like last year. Pero nang dumating ang oras para mag-blow na siya ng candles ay nakita ko siyang nakabantay sa pintuan.

The tears fell from my eyes.

Kitang-kita ko ang anak kong nakatanaw sa malayo tila ba may hinihintay. May inaabangan na sumulpot. He sat on the rag and waited for someone to arrive.

"Leven," I gulped the lump on my throat. "Hinihintay ka na sa loob. Need mo na i-blow 'yong candles."

"Wala pa si papa. . ." his voice got smaller. "Kailangan nandoon siya."

"Leven. . ."

Leven's eyes pooled with tears. "S-siya 'yong wish ko, mama. Ilang taon na pero di pa rin natutupad wish ko. . ."

"Leven, please. Hinihintay ka na ng friends mo sa loob," my voice cracked. Pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong umiyak. Not infront of Leven. I can't be weak to my son.

"H-hintayin ko si papa. . ." Suminghot si Leven at pinunasan ang mga luha. "Baka n-natagalan lang. B-baka may gift siya sa akin! Baka malaking c-car! O kaya may playstation! O b-baka may chocolates siyang dala. K-kahit siya lang. . .Kahit wala siyang dala. . ."

"Leverett Neacal," I breathed in. "Pumasok ka na, please."

He looked at me, his eyes showing melancholy. "Sabi m-mo dadating siya."

"Baka n-next year. . ."

"May papa b-ba talaga ako?" He hiccuped and started to cry harder. "S-sabi ko sa kanila dadating papa ko. S-sabi ko may papa n-na ako. Wala pa rin pala."

Pumasok si Leven na lugmok ang mukha. Namumula ang gilid ng mga mata at halata na dismayado. Pinigilan ko ang sarili ko na umiyak dahil may mga bisita.

"Leven! Tagal mo naman, sabi ko kakainin ko na cake mo e! Ang laki oh!" tukso ng kalaro ni Leven.

Pinalibutan nila 'yong cake at si Leven. He lazily went to the center.

"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, Leven!" They sang in unison. Halata na nagmamadali para makakain na.

"Leven, blow the candles na. . ." I urged him but he didn't budge.

Tiningnan ko kung saan siya nakatingin at para bang sinaksak ang dibdib ko nang makita na ang mga mata n'ya ay nasa pintuan pa rin.

"Leven. . ."

"Leven! Dali na! Blow mo na! Ako na nga magb-blow!" ani kaibigan ni Leven at akmang lalapit sa cake.

"Papansin mo! Ikaw ba may birthday?" pang-a-alaska naman no'ng babae sa grupo nila.

"Nasaan papa ni Leven?" someone asked in their group. Natahimik kaming lahat maliban kay Leven na unti-unting tumulo ang luha.

"Oo nga, sabi mo nandito na papa mo."

"Baka kumuha pa ng gift para kay Leven!"

"Wala yatang papa si Leven e!"

The kids exchanged thoughts and it affected Leven. Gusto ko sana sawayin pero inosente pa sila sa mga ganitong bagay. And I know that their parents don't know about our situation and not everyone can be empathetic when it comes to it.

Tumakbo si Leven sa lalagyan ng mga susi at dali-daling pumasok sa kwarto namin. Nanglaki naman ang mga mata ko at hinabol siya.

"Leven? Baby. . ." I cooed as I knocked on the door. He shut it close and I tried to open it but it was locked.

"Open the door, please. Hinihintay ka na nila."

He didn't answer. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman. It was his birthday. Hindi naman matampuhin si Leven at malimit lang siyang magmaktol. Ngayon ko lang naranasan na pagsarhan n'ya ng pinto.

"Leven? Nandito si mommy. . ." I said. "Pakibukas naman ng pinto."

Sumilip ang mga kaibigan ni Leven at nginitian ko sila. "Uh, k-kain na kayo. Pasensya na ha? Wala sa mood si Leven kasi mocha 'yong cake n'ya."

"Eh? Chocolate kaya!" angal nung isang kalaro.

"Paano mo nalaman?!" sabat pa nung isa.

"Tinikman ko na kanina e."

I let Caer take the kids to eat. Hinintay ko si Leven na buksan 'yong pinto pero hindi n'ya talaga binubuksan. He took the keys and the duplicate. Matalinong bata talaga. Hinilig ko ang ulo ko sa hamba ng pintuan. I waited for him but he was silent on the other side of the door.

Hanggang sa makarinig ako ng mga mahihinang pag-iyak. Tuluyan nang bumagsak ang mga luha ko.

You made your son cry, Lavender. You're not as good as you think you are as a mother.

"Sup?" Snyder crouched on my level, a look of pity plastered on his face. "Want me to talk to him?"

"Ako nga hindi kinakausap e," I laughed as the tears endlessly created a trail on my cheeks.

"I could try," Snyder offered and wiped my tears with a clean cloth. "You did great, Solstice. Gago lang talaga si Etienne. Di mo 'yon kasalanan."

Kumatok si Snyder at pinanood ko siyang subukan na kausapin si Leven. It's already four hours, wala na nga ang mga kalaro n'ya at halos malamig na ang natirang handa. The prizes for the games were given for free because Leven wouldn't go out.

"Leven," malambing na saad ni Snyder. "Si. . . Daddy Snyder 'to, hindi mo ba bubuksan 'yong gift namin ni tito Euan?"

"Ayokong k-kausapin si mommy. . ." he answered back, paos na ang boses. "A-ayoko lumabas. Aasarin l-lang ako."

Binuksan ni Leven 'yong pinto para kay Snyder. Nilingon naman ako ni Snyder at tinuro 'yong pinto upang ako ang pumasok. Nakita ko si Leven na magang-maga na ang mga mata. I didn't know what to do. Naiiyak na lang ako dahil wala akong magawa.

I shook my head and smiled. Si Snyder lang ang pinapapasok n'ya. Even if I want to clear my side, my son deserves to have some space first. Masama ang loob n'ya sa akin, kailangan ko munang intindihin 'yon.

"Ikaw n-na," I said.

"Sure ka?"

"Please, dalhan m-mo na rin siya ng pagkain. Baka gutom na." I stood, pinagpag ko ang pants ko at ngumiti muli.

Ayaw ako kausapin ni Etienne. Ayaw na rin ako kausapin ni Leven. I was too hurt that I just wanted to drown the thoughts away.

Sa sobrang sakit ay minabuti ko na lang uminom ng tubig. I wanted to wash everything but it didn't. The pain was still fresh in my heart.

"P-pati ba naman ikaw? Leven? Ayaw mo na kay mommy?" I sobbed on the kitchen, tinakpan ko ang mukha ko habang patuloy na umiiyak.

Humiga ako sa sofa at unti-unting pinikit ang mga mata. Sana paggising ko ay okay na si Leven. Sana masabi ko sa kan'ya na hindi kami papakinggan ni Etienne. Sana mahal pa ako ni Leven kahit hanggang dito lang ang kaya kong ibigay. . .

"M-mommy, sorry. . ." Leven cried in my arms.

I was still groggy and my eyes were still half-opened. Madilim na at nasa gilid ko si Leven.

"I'm sorry, mommy. I love you. Sana di ka galit sa akin. Sorry, mommy."

I smiled at him. What a sweet dream. "I love you too, Leven. . ."

Nagising ako na malinis na ang buong bahay. I was still on the sofa and my heart was beating frantically. Parang tumitibok din ang ulo ko sa sobrang sakit. I probably overslept.

"Snyder?" I called out, napatayo nang wala sa oras. "Nasaan si Leven? Nasaan kayo?"

Walang sumasagot. Hinalukay ko ang buong bahay ngunit di ko sila matagpuan. I bit my lower lip when I realized that they probably went out. Baka may binili o di kaya ay may pinuntahan.

Pero saan?

Saan sila pumunta?

Nasaan ang anak ko?

❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜

Hi! My next update for BOC would be on March 2 (Still Wednesday) :'< Thank you so much for patiently waiting! Bawi na lang po ako sa bakasyon! Love you guys so much! Thank you for your efforts when it comes to my stories! I appreciate them a lot.

Happy birthday mai, this chapter is for you. Jk.

ᥫ᭡ li