Kabanata 37

It caught me off guard. Her question made my world halt its timezone. Pakiramdam ko ay nanuyo lahat ng tubig sa katawan ko dahil sa panlalamig. If I have to marry someone. . .

I want it to be Etienne.

I want it to be someone I love.

"Sorry," I said, full of remorse. "I think it's too early to tell if I could do that. Pero kahit ganito ang nangyari sa amin ni Etienne. Tanga pa rin siguro ako dahil umaasa ako sa kan'ya. That. . .Maybe he's only consumed by his anger that he can't accept that he already has a child with me. I'm sorry, I can't imagine myself getting married because someone begged me to."

Nagbuntonghininga si Kaiaria. "You're right. Sorry, desperada lang talaga ako ngayon dahil pakiramdam ko ay malapit na ako. . ."

"Don't say that," saway ko sa kan'ya at pabirong pinitik ang kan'yang ilong. "Di ka pa p'wedeng mamatay kasi mawawalan ng mayamang sponsor si Leven. Malapit na kaya siyang mag-one year old! Sagot mo dapat ang cake!" biro ko sa kan'ya.

She only laughed and playfully nudged me. Nilingkis n'ya ang kan'yang braso sa akin.

"I wished I was friends with you when we were still young. I think we could have been the bestest friends." aniya.

Napangiti naman ako sa kan'yang sinabi. We are already the bestest friends, Kaia. I'm grateful that you blessed me with your breath of courage and hope. Alam ko naman na kung wala sila ay baka matagal na akong sumuko.

One thing I learned about raising Leven is I can't depend on my own. I was too self centered to accept that being a mother isn't easy. Lalo na hindi ko pa kasama ang ama ng anak ko. Kaya ko naman dahil sadyang pinalaki akong matapang at hindi agad sumusuko pero paano naman ang iba? Oo, kinaya ko. Pero hindi ibig sabihin ay dapat na gayahin. I admit my fault and I will forever blame myself if I can't give Leven everything because of my decisions. I was the one who decided that I should keep Leven, thus I have to make sure that he will have all the support that he needs from me.

"Ma. . ." Leven gradually opened his mouth. "Ma!"

I got teary-eyed when he spoke those words. Sa sobrang tuwa ko ay napatakip ako sa aking mga labi.

"G-gagi, akala ko Etienne pa magiging first word n'ya. . ." I sobbed like a baby. Baka iyakan ko talaga si Leven kapag tatay n'ya ang nauna n'yang banggitin kaysa sa akin.

"Takte ka naman, 'te." Euan grimaced while holding his phone to record Leven's first word. "Kita mong ikaw palaging kasama. Palagi ngang nakadantay 'yan sa dibdib mo tapos Etienne?!"

Natawa naman kami. Simple lang ang naging birthday ni Leven dahil pinilit ko pa silang huwag masyadong gawing magarbo. I wanted Leven to be with those who are close to him. At saka wala naman talaga akong masyadong ka-close. Hindi rin naman alam ng mga Reverio kung ano na ang nangyayari sa akin. I doubt they even care if I'm alive. Don't get me wrong though, Adren and Mareena did try to approach me or contact me. . . Pero mahirap na. Kapag nalaman ni Dayanara ang tungkol kay Leven, she will use it against me. She would taint my name more. . . At baka pati si Leven ay madamay.

Years went by and I was able to learn how to balance my studies and taking care of Leven. Mahilig sa bata si Kaiaria at CL kaya naman hinihiram nila sa akin ang anak ko sa tuwing hell week namin o di kaya'y nalulugmok na ako sa pag-a-aral. Malayo kami sa Manila kung nasaan sina Etienne kaya di rin ako kinakabahan na baka makita sila nito. I was a bit scared that Etienne would change his mind and get Leven from me. Mas makapangyarihan si Etienne sa akin at kahit naman alam ko na ako ang papanigan ng batas dahil wala pa naman sa pitong taong gulang si Leven. . . I hate to admit that Etienne was more capable of giving Leven a comfortable life. Kaya nga ako naga-aral nang mabuti ngayon dahil ayoko na humantong kami sa gano'n.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit namuo ang takot sa dibdib ko na baka kunin ni Etienne si Leven sa akin sakaling magbago ang isip n'ya. He was angry at me. Sobra n'ya akong kinasusuklaman na kinaya n'yang hindi ako kausapin nang ilang taon. There were nights that I would cry because I thought we would always be together. Hindi ko naman ginusto na maging ganito ang sitwasyon namin nina Leven.

At tuwing weekends naman, Leven is often visited by Snyder and Euan. Isa rin sa rason kung bakit hindi kami madaling mahagilap ng mga tao ay dahil kay Snyder. For some reason, he has a lot of connections too. Isa siguro ito sa perks ng pagiging isang tagapagmana ng isang auction. Marami siyang koneksyon sa mga makapangyarihan na tao. I was sure of that, hindi ko nakakalimutan na kaibigan siya ni Etienne. Hindi ko nga lang alam kung bakit ako ang tinutulungan n'ya kung ang loyalty n'ya dapat ay na kay Etienne.

"He's a natural when it comes to art!" puri ni Euan habang nagpipinta si Leven sa mga canvas ni Snyder.

"Ang galing naman ng baby na 'yan," Euan cooed as he watches over Leven painting on the canvas using a brown paint. Walang paintbrush na hawak ang anak ko, kamay lamang n'ya ang pinangpapahid n'ya sa mismong canvas.

Nakakunot ang noo ni Snyder habang nakatitig kay Leven na busy sa pagiging painter kuno n'ya. The girl beside Snyder was also peering over my son, her hands on the pockets of her vintage styled apron.

"Sny. . .Wala ka namang brown na paint," mahinhin na sabi nung babae sa tabi ni Snyder. Her full bangs were scattered on her forehead that makes her face look a bit round, kapag katabi n'ya si Snyder ay nagmumukha siyang isang kunehong naliligaw. Hindi naman bago ang mukha n'ya sa akin, madalas silang magkasama ni Snyder.

Tuwang-tuwa si Euan sa anak ko hanggang sa pisngi na n'ya pinahid ni Leven ang pintura nito. He froze for a bit when his cheeks got stained by the brown paint.

"Nagtataka nga rin ako," Snyder chewed his lower lip. "Wala akong natatandaang natirang brown na paint dahil inubos ko na."

My lips pulled apart. Kahit tuloy ako ay napatanong na rin kung saan galing ang brown na paint. Nanatiling tuod naman si Euan habang unti-unting tiningnan kung ano ang pinahid ng anak ko sa pisngi n'ya.

"Pewpew!" Leven chuckled heartily. "Pewpew aku!"

"Oh shit. . ." Ngumiwi ako nang mapagtantuan kung ano ang ginagamit ni Leven na pangpinta.

Snyder's eyes broadened upon realizing it too.

"Euan, mabaho ba?" tanong n'ya.

Euan held his breath, tila naiiyak na sa pandidiri. "Tang ina n'yo, huwag n'yo akong kakausapin."

Tinawanan na lamang namin siya. Leven giggled too while continuously doing his painting. Hindi ko alam kung nag-leak ba sa diaper n'ya pero kailangan ko na yata siyang palitan ng diapers.

It was fast and I wasn't able to anticipate his growing phase. Nagulat na lang ako nang mapagtantuan ang taon na lumipas. Leven was already old enough to understand that I have to leave him for a while in order for us to live. Hindi n'ya ako masyadong hinahanap sa tuwing umaalis ako para tapusin ang kinuha kong kurso. He would wait for me to come back home, with a glass of milk, to welcome me.

"Mommy!" Nangingiting bati ni Leven nang umuwi ako galing sa hospital. I bended my knees to match his level, saka ko siya niyakap nang mahigpit.

"Kumain ka na ba?"

"Yup!" Tumango-tango siya. " tito Snyder fed me with veggies! I ate a lot!"

Napangiti naman ako at agad siyang hinalikan sa kan'yang noo. "Good boy. May gusto ka bang pasalubong bukas? Maaga akong uuwi, p'wede tayong maglaro buong araw."

Leven smiled widely. "Si Papa po!"

I didn't know that his happiness could tear my heart apart. Napawi ang ngiti ko dahil sa naging tugon n'ya. I wanted to give that to him too but I never had the courage to go back to Etienne. If this was just like before, kayang-kaya ko pa sigurong iharap si Leven. Pero wala na talaga akong balita kay Etienne. He really never appeared in front of me anymore.

Mas masakit pa sa akin dahil alam kong kayang-kaya naman ni Etienne na hanapin kami kung gusto n'ya. Etienne isn't stupid so it only makes sense that he really doesn't care about me or even us. Baka nga kung sakaling makita n'ya si Leven, baka kunin n'ya lang ito dahil sa responsibilidad n'ya bilang ama at hindi dahil mahal n'ya ito. Ayoko naman na gano'n ang maramdaman ni Leven kay Etienne. I would rather let him think that Etienne cares about him as much as I do.

Etienne can be really cold. Ayoko maramdaman 'yon ni Leven sa mismong ama n'ya.

"Uh, si papa mo kasi, medyo busy pa siya?" I wearily smiled. Hinaplos ko ang makapal na buhok ni Leven. Ang inosente n'yang mga mata ay nanglalaki. It was dimly gray, almost like his father's. The only thing that doesn't make them like twins is the shape of his eyes, nakuha n'ya kasi ang sa akin.

"Ako na lang po bibisita sa kan'ya! Ako na pupunta!" Maligalig na aniya, he was choking on his own words. Tumalon-talon pa siya kaya lalong nababasag lang ang puso ko.

"Do you really want to see your papa? Hindi ba sapat si tito Snyder, tito Euan, at tito CL?"

"They're not papa. . ." Leven answered briefly, unti-unti rin siyang napayuko. "I like them a lot! But they're not papa."

My shoulders slumped at his response. How can I explain this to a kid? Lalo na sa kan'ya na halatang sabik na sabik sa ama n'ya? Hindi ko naman p'wedeng sabihin sa kan'ya na ayaw sa kan'ya ni Etienne. Madudurog ako kapag nakita ko ang reaksyon mismo ni Leven.

"I'll surprise you, okay? I'll let you meet your papa. . ."

Tumili si Leven, halatang nasasabik sa sinabi ko. Nagbuntonghininga naman ako dahil iisipin ko pa kung papaano kami maguusap ni Etienne. Sobrang tagal na no'ng huli naming pagkikita at baka nga hindi n'ya na ako kilala. Maybe he even despised me after all the years that have passed.

Well, tang ina n'ya, siya pa ang galit? I contained my breathing. Siya itong may ayaw sa bata tapos siya pa ang magagalit? I shook my head repeatedly. I should stop over analyzing things. Hindi ko na nga dapat iniisip itong si Etienne. Saka ko na siya iisipin kapag sobrang dehado na talaga. For now, I will prolong the remaining time that Leven can wait for him.

"Mommy, tito Caer knows my dad and tita Kaiaria used to play with him," ani Leven habang hinihila ang palda ko.

I was currently cooking for our dinner. Nandito ngayon si Kaia sa bahay upang bumisita. She looked ecstatic so she probably has something good to say. Natutuwa nga rin ako dahil habang tumatagal ay nagiging okay ang kondisyon n'ya. I heard that they're planning their wedding already. Mukhang matutuloy rin pala sa simbahan ang lahat.

"Maybe they can let him see me. . ." Leven said, voice lowering down.

"They can't, Leven." I firmly said. "Ako na ang magdadala ng daddy mo, okay? May surprise kasi kami sa 'yo kaya medyo matagal. . ."

"Mommy, it's been years. My friends are already asking where's my papa. . .Sabi nila baka wala raw akong papa." Naiiyak n'yang saad, ang boses ay namamalat.

Natigilan naman ako sa ginagawa ko at nilingon si Leven na pinaglalaruan ang kamay n'ya, tila parang nagbibilang. Lalong lumubog sa lungkot ang mukha ko nang mapagtantuan na binibilang n'ya kung ilang taon na siyang walang ama.

My heart is being pinched to pieces.

Bakit ba hirap na hirap ako kausapin si Etienne?

"Solstice! 'Yong niluluto mo!" Kaiaria gasped which made me snap back to reality.

Agad ko naman pinatay ang kalan at napalunok. I was too clouded by Leven's long-time wish. Hindi ito ang unang beses na hiniling n'yang sana ay makita n'ya ang ama n'ya.

"Okay ka lang ba?" Kaiaria asked. Siya mismo ang naglipat ng niluluto ko sa isang plato. Leven already went to the living room, kaya naman hindi n'ya naabutan ang pagiging lutang ko.

I bit my lower lip and looked at her. "May contact ka ba kay Etienne?"

"May balak ka na bang makipagkita sa kan'ya?" Her eyes twinkled. "Ang alam ko ay pabalik-balik lang 'yon sa ibang bansa pero nasa HQ pa rin. Gusto mo bang samahan kita?"

"Hindi na siguro, baka maabala ka pa." I smiled and discreetly diverted the topic. "Ano pala ang gusto mong sabihin? Bakit parang ang saya-saya mo?"

She beamed brightly, showing her perfect set of white teeth.

"I'm pregnant!" She squealed. "Solstice, I'm pregnant!"

My jaw gradually dropped. Napahawak ako sa mga labi ko at nagtubig ang mga mata ko. I know how much this matters to her! This was her dream and she fulfilled it!

"A-alam na ba ni Caer?"

She shook her head. "Hindi pa, k-kasi natatakot ako. . ."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Why? Caer loves kids. . ."

"He knows about my condition. Alam n'yang mahina ang katawan ko. He'll be too scared so I don't know how to say it to him. Sure, medyo okay na ang takbo ng buhay namin pero hindi pa rin sigurado kung kakayanin ko ba," she sighed exasperatedly.

"Kakayanin mo 'yan, ikaw pa ba?" I let my mouth slip a lie. Kahit ako ay hindi sigurado kung kakayanin nga ba n'ya. Ayoko lang na panghinaan siya ng loob.

Ngumiti lang siya sa akin. "But you know what? I'm not scared of dying anymore. I'm already happy about the things that happened, Solstice."

Natutop ang labi ko saka ko pinakinggan ang mahabang litanya n'ya. She reached for her stomach and slowly smiled at me.

"Caer will be a good father," Kaiaria uttered firmly. "Kahit wala ako ay kakayanin n'yang mapalaki ang anak namin. And there's you! You'll also be there to help him guide our child. I also want you to help Caer to find someone else, sana hindi n'ya na ako isipin sakaling m-mawala ako. Because I'll be really happy, Solstice. I'll be happy looking over them."

"Kaia, stop saying things as if you'll be gone. . ." My throat constricted. "Manganganak ka lang naman, hindi ka mawawala."

Napawi ang ngiti sa kan'yang labi at napalitan ito ng isang malungkot na ekspresyon. "I'm also preparing for the worst. Ayokong may hindi ako nasabi o nagawa sa buhay ko, Solstice. I want Caer to know that if he'll find someone else in my absence, I will be happy for them. Kahit nasaan man ako. Just please, take care of my child. Sana makapili siya ng kayang mahalin ang anak naming dalawa. 'Yon lang ang tanging hiling ko. "

And maybe, they were right about me. I kept on saving others when I couldn't even save myself. The last thing I knew, Kaiaria's words haunted me that I was willing to prolong Leven's wish of meeting his father. Mas kailangan ako ni Kaiaria ngayon, she was there when Etienne wasn't. Leven can also wait a bit more. . . I hope.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜
Have a great day ahead, thanks for reading! Your thoughts about the story is always appreciated. See you on the next update (Friday)!

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