Kabanata 36

The moment Leverett opened his eyes was the moment I knew I still had unfinished business with someone in the past. His gray eyes felt like snow in the middle of my summer. An oasis for my hell. Leverett cutely yawned in my arms. His bloated cheeks and small features made me want to hug him more. Ganda ng lahi ni Etienne Soteiro pero kukunin ko ang credits kung bakit cute si Leverett kasi hindi na ako emosyonal ngayon at p'wedeng-p'wede na akong mainis sa kan'ya.

"Paano mo 'yan matatago 'te, kulay gray mga mata?" puna sa akin ni Euan. Nakahalukipkip habang pinapanood si Leverett na karga-karga ko.

"Contact lens is the key."

"Gaga ka talaga." Euan rolled his eyes. "Selfie ka na lang tapos i-post mo sa instagram tapos tag mo si Etienne sabay caption na 'tanga, tatay ka na'."

Ngumuso naman ako. "Alam naman n'ya e. Wala lang talaga siyang pakialam."

I told him already but he only tossed the letter. Pero susubukan ko pa rin sa personal. Kapag ayaw n'ya, edi huwag. Kaya ko naman palakihin mag-isa si Leverett.

"Sure ka ba 'te? Kasi wala sa katauhan ni Etienne ang takbuhan ang responsibilidad n'ya. He might not be the best person when it comes to morality but he does know how to take responsibility for his own faults —not that I'm saying Leverett is a mistake."

Umiling ako. "Tinapon n'ya e. . ."

Nanatiling kunot ang noo ni Euan. In his light blue shirt and khaki pants, I was able to attest to his simple nature. Hindi lang nakatakas sa paningin ko ang branded na bodybag n'ya pero ito na ang pinaka-simpling outfit na nakita ko mula sa kan'ya.

"Gaga, baka sinabotahe lang 'yon o baka di n'ya napansin? Pero kung totoo nga, sasabunutan ko siya with video para sa 'yo. Igaganti ko ang ganda mo." Euan said, determined. Eyes glowing with vendetta.

Humalakhak lang ako. I was taken aback when Leverett was cupping my chest. His small hands were traveling to find something. Hindi ko alam kung ginagalaw n'ya lang talaga ang kamay n'ya o gutom na siya.

Napakagat naman ako ng labi ko. P'wede ko naman siya i-formula milk pero iba raw talaga kapag laking breastmilk 'yong bata. Ayon pa kay Kaiaria, na-kwento sa kan'ya noon ng mama n'ya na mas malapit daw o mas clingy kapag sa breastmilk lumaki 'yong anak. I'm not sure of that yet but I can't really imagine it myself.

"What's his name?" tanong ni Euan habang nakatitig kay Leverett.

Sakto namang pumasok si Snyder na may dalang mandarin food. I beamed upon seeing the chinese take out because I've been wanting to eat salted egg shrimps! Nagulat din ako dahil may malunggay juice siyang dala.

"Para saan ang matcha?" tanong ni Euan, nakatingin sa juice na dala ni Snyder.

"It's malunggay." I said.

"What's malunggay?"

I looked upwards to ransack some words to describe it. "'Yong circle circle sa tinola."

Kumunot ang noo ni Euan. "Bakit? Para saan 'yon?"

Snyder grimaced as he put the food on the available table. "For breastfeeding."

My face blanched. Lumingon ako kay Leverett na nakatingin na rin sa akin at parang hinihintay na lang akong maghubad.

"Ikaw na lang kaya, Euan. . ." my arm impinge towards him.

"Ang lakas mo naman 'te. . ." Euan's lips move downwards, forming a quick scowl. "Sana ayos ka lang?"

I bit my lower lip. "Feeling ko kasi masakit e. . ."

Euan gasped. "Ay, hindi ba na-try ni Etienne?"

"Tang ina mo naman, Euan."

"Huwag kang magmura may bata," saway n'ya at sinamaan ako ng tingin.

"Wow ha?"

Euan dismissed me. "Pero gutom na yata si baby. Gusto mo ba bumili ako ng formula milk?"

Napalingon ako kay Leverett. Naiiyak na siya at halos maluha-luha na dahil yata sa gutom. I sighed and slowly tried to remove the cloth so he could access his food.

"Huy!" Tumalikod si Euan sa akin. "Nandito pa kami!"

"Naaakit ka pa ba sa akin, kita mong kakapanganak ko pa lang?!" I hissed.

"Di naman sa naaakit, I mean maganda ka naman, huwag ka lang magsasalita! Nasisira ang cold image mo."

I was about to refute when a series of knocks were heard coming from the door. Agad naman itong pinagbuksan ni Snyder at bumungad si Kaiaria na may mga dala rin na gamit para sa akin.

"Solstice!" She beamed as she approached me, may dala siyang basket ng mga prutas. Kitang-kita ko ang tuwa sa kan'yang mga mata.

"Kaia," I gave her a small smile. Her kind nature established a bond between the both of us.

"Hello, baby Leverett. . ." she halted her words. "Ano'ng full name n'ya?"

"Kaya nga, kanina ko pa 'yan tinatanong." Euan huffed, nakapameywang.

Even Snyder who looks bored most of the time had a glint of interest in his eyes.

Napalunok naman ako at bahagyang napaiwas ng tingin. Paano ko ba ito ipapaliwanag sa kanila?

"Wala pa ba?" tanong ni Kai.

"Nararamdaman ko na may letter E! Para same kami since Euan ako. Maybe he's named after me?"

"Bakit naman n'ya ipapangalan sa 'yo?" Snyder frowned.

"Alangan naman sa iyo? I have a better name." Umingos si Euan.

"Leverett is actually a good name na. Pero may pangalawang pangalan ba siya?" ani Kaia.

"Leverett Neacal." I answered briefly. "His name is a combination of my name and Etienne's."

Kaiaria's mouth formed a quick letter o. Snyder tilted his head. But Euan had his eyes almost popping out. Sa galit o sa inis. They probably didn't anticipate that I'll name him after Etienne.

"What?! Leverett Neacal?!" Euan scoffed.

"Oh, bakit? May reklamo? Ikaw manganak." Umirap ako at hinele si Leverett na kanina pa nilalambing ang dibdib ko. Naduduling na yata kakatingin dito. Geez, this creature is too cute!

"Bakit kay Etienne naka-pangalan?" reklamo ni Euan. "Paano naman ako?"

Snyder chuckled. "The fuck?"

Euan heaved a breath. "Dapat Luthor na lang! Para katunog sa Luthais! Or Yuan para tunog Euan!"

"Sperm mo?" pabalang na saad ni Snyder.

"Ayan ka na naman e! Pinagtatanggol mo na naman si Etienne!"

Nagsitawanan na lamang kami. I was relieved to know that despite my sudden pregnancy, there were people who supported me. Hindi ko naman na-broadcast ang pagbubuntis ko pero ramdam ko na agad ang mga manghuhusga sa akin. And I can't blame them because some of us have prejudices against the idea of early or sudden pregnancy. Kahit na hindi na ako minor, still, I wasn't prepared enough. I will admit that.

I just have to face the consequences head on. Nandiyan na e, kailangan ko na lang panindigan dahil desisyon ko ito.

"You'll move out?" tanong ni Tita Juana sa akin habang nagtitipa sa kan'yang desktop.

I was asking for her permission to let me have my own space. Nahihiya na rin kasi ako dahil pakiramdam ko dumadagdag pa ako sa mga iniisip n'ya. I still have funds left on my account. Kakayanin ko pang tustusan ang pag-a-aral ko sa med school at ang mga bills namin ni Leverett. I'll probably invest in some business too, bilang sideline.

"Yeah," I gradually nodded. "Gusto ko rin sana magkaroon ng sariling space. I am already too grateful for your help when I was pregnant, Tita."

Matagal akong tinitigan ni Tita Juana. Hesitation swirling in her eyes. Napapikit siya bago tumango. Pinagdaop n'ya ang kan'yang mga kamay at binigyan ako ng isang maliit na ngiti.

"I hope you'll visit me often."

I only smiled. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi na. Ayoko talagang madamay sila sa mga desisyon ko. I want to take care of Leverett without the help of others.

I moved out after I got her permission. Sa isang apartment muna ako malapit sa isang med school na nahanap ko. The credentials of the school are good, not as good as my priority school but what's important is I have to continue on. Kailangan ko pa rin makapagtapos.

My days with my son who I affectionately call Leven were the highlight of my journey as a future doctor and a student of med school. Kahit siya ang nagpapawi ng lungkot ko dahil mag-isa ko siyang itinataguyod, there are days that I would cry because I have to take care of him while the stress of studying were consuming me.

"Leven," saad ko habang hinihele siya. "Kahit isang minuto lang, please. . ." pagmamakaawa ko sa umiiyak na sanggol.

He kept on crying. At dahil baby pa naman siya, hindi naman n'ya masabi kung ano'ng masakit sa kan'ya. Wala namang laman ang diaper n'ya. Busog naman siya at kaka-burp pa nga lang. I really don't know. Gusto ko siyang idiretso ng hospital pero hindi kakayanin ng budget ko kung biglaan ang pagdala ko sa kan'ya roon. It frustrates me so much that even the bare minimum of taking care of his health is a privilege that I couldn't afford.

I looked over my drawer and saw the empty container of my jewelry. I sold all of my pearls whenever I had expenses that weren't part of my budget. Ang akala kong savings ko na aabot hanggang makapagtapos ako ay hindi pala sapat. I wasn't enrolled in a prestigious med school but my bills weren't part of my calculation. Hindi ko inasahan na sobrang laki pala talagang responsibilidad ang bumukod.

"Barya lang ito kay Etienne," I jutted out my lips. Pero ayaw nga n'ya sa bata. Ayaw n'ya nga akong kausapin. It has been almost a year since we've talked and he never approached me. Ayaw n'ya rin naman akong palapitin sa kan'ya.

I tried to have part time jobs but because Leven was always sick, napupunta rin sa mga gamot n'ya ang sahod ko. Bukod pa rito ang mga gastusin sa bahay, sa mga kailangan ni Leven at sa pangangailangan ko.

"Pasensya na po talaga," saad ko sa landlady namin. "Babayaran ko na lang po sa susunod na sahod ko."

I was late when it came to paying the fee for the apartment. Hindi ito ang unang beses na late ako magbayad kaya naman hindi ko masisi kung bakit ang asim ng mukha ng landlady namin.

"Anak kasi nang anak, wala namang pera," she uttered under her breath. Hindi ko na lang 'yon pinansin. I deserved that. Or at least that's how the world sees single mothers like me.

"Babayaran ko rin naman po," sagot ko. "Nagka-aberya lang po talaga. Hindi na po mauulit."

"Ay sus! Sinabi mo na rin 'yan noon e. At saka, anong sahod ba ang hinihintay mo? Dalawa raw lalaki mo ah." Ngumisi ang landlady namin. She wasn't always like this. Mabait siya sa akin no'ng unang lipat ko rito. She even helped me move my things, kahit nasa third floor pa kami.

Nagpantig ang tenga ko roon. Nakayuko ako kanina ngunit unti-unting umangat ang ulo ko dahil sa binanggit n'ya.

"Akala ko pa naman ay ikaw ang binabayaran nila pero mukhang mas inuuna mo pa ang panglalalaki kaysa sa sarili mong anak," umismid siya. "Mahiya ka naman sa anak mo, nanay ka na ang landi mo pa rin."

I was frozen on my spot. Never have I ever been this ashamed of my status. Napakuyom ako ng mga kamao nang wala sa oras at pinilit ko ang ngumiti.

"Sorry po ah? May asim pa po kasi ako, bigyan ko po kayo next time. Saka pagkatapos ko po magbayad p'wede na po kayo maglagay ng apartment for rent dahil aalis na rin po ako." sabi ko at padabog kong sinarado ang pintuan sa mukha n'ya.

Marahas n'yang kinakatok ang pintuan ngunit di ko na lang ito pinansin at agad inayos ang mga gamit ko at ni Leven. I don't even know why I'm trying so hard to be independent. Mayayaman naman ang mga kaibigan ko at kahit di ako magtrabaho ay mabubuhay nila ako. Pero ayoko talagang umasa sa kanila. I'm not their priority and I shouldn't be their responsibility.

I bit my lower lip after pacing my clothes. Ayoko rin sanang bumalik kay Tita Juana. Nahihiya rin ako kay Euan at Snyder dahil kahit nandiyan naman sila, hindi naman nila anak si Leven para tustusan at lalong wala naman silang responsibilidad sa akin.

I probably have to go to Leven's father.

Hindi na sana ako nagpakain sa pride ko. I didn't want to go to Etienne because I didn't want to look desperate. Pero kung si Leven naman ang magdudusa dahil sa desisyon ko, mas gugustuhin ko na lang sigurong magmukhang desperada. . .Not. This was Etienne's responsibility too! Why does Leven have to suffer because of us?

Kahit dehado ay sinama ko si Leven patungo sa HQ ng EIJE Inc. I didn't want to cause a scandal but I wanted to at least prove to Etienne that he's already a parent. Hindi na kami bata upang mag-away pa nang ganito. If he hates me, he could hate me for as long as he likes but he should acknowledge Leven. Kahit si Leven na lang ang pasinin n'ya ay okay lang sa akin.

Hindi ko alam bakit natutuliro pa rin ako sa gagawin. I could easily just tell Etienne face to face but there's a part of me that's hesitating because it would break me into multitudes of dust if he rejected Leven.

"Solstice?"

Napalingon ako sa tumawag sa akin. Nasa harapan ko na ang matayog na building ng EIJE Inc. pero hindi ako makapasok-pasok. Parang may tanikala sa aking mga paa na ayaw ako payagan humakbang patungo roon. Lumapit sa akin si Kaiaria na nakasuot ng isang pormal na damit. On the other hand, I was wearing a simple blouse and tattered pants. I forgot that she's part of the EIJE Inc. Kahit papaano ay nag-invest yata ang magulang n'ya rito.

"Bakit ka nandito?" tanong n'ya. "Is Leven okay?"

"Oo," I replied hastily. "Gusto ko lang sana makausap si Etienne."

She gasped. "Bakit? May nangyari ba? Did he contact you?"

"No. I just want him to know about Leven . . ." I swallowed hard. "I feel like I was clouded by my judgment, inuna ko pa ang sama ng loob ko sa kan'ya kaysa sa pangangailangan ni Leven."

"Are you sure? Kinakaya mo naman ng wala siya." aniya.

Umiling naman ako at ngumiti nang malungkot. "I can barely even put food on the table. Hindi pa kasi stable ang trabaho ko kaya naman wala pa talaga akong kinikita. Ayoko rin umasa kina Tita Juana dahil hindi naman n'ya responsibilidad si Leven."

"You don't always have to save yourself, Lavender. Nandito naman kami para sa 'yo. You can always ask us to help you. I know that Etienne has the right to know but we're also here."

I don't know what to say. Unti-unti lang akong naiiyak habang kinokonsuwelo ni Kaiaria. Hindi ko naman kasi gustong humingi ng tulong dahil nakakahiya. Ginusto ko naman ito kaya dapat kong panindigan. Pero hindi dapat ako nag-i-isa. This responsibility was supposed to be ours.

That day, I decided to not pursue Etienne anymore. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay baka isipin n'yang binibigyan ko lang siya ng responsibilidad na ayaw n'ya. Naalala ko na naman tuloy 'yong papel na pinatapon n'ya lang. I was foolish to ask him once again. Mahihirapan man pero kaya kong palakihin nang mag-isa si Leven. If Etienne doesn't want him, I won't force him anymore.

I worked thrice a day for Leven. Kahit naapektuhan ang grades ko sa med school ay hindi ako nawalan ng pag-asa na makapagtapos. Some people judged me because of my situation. And I let them judge me because at the end of the day as long as I can prove to them that having Leven didn't interfere with my dream, I'm okay and happy. At totoo naman, mahirap ang sitwasyon ko at sana hindi nila maranasan dahil baka sumuko lang sila, it wasn't easy but I won't give up. I can't give up now.

Nang mawala si Mama, si Leven ang naging katuwang ko sa buhay ko. He became the anchor that kept me from the raging waves of life. Kailanman ay hindi n'ya pinaramdam sa akin na mag-isa ako. The loneliness that I felt because Etienne wasn't there for me was replaced with Leven's warmth and solace.

"Please, isali mo si Leven sa mga kukunin kong model. Ilang taon na lang naman ang hihintayin ko bago 'yan makapaglakad!" pagmamakaawa sa akin ni Euan. "Artistahin ang anak mo!"

Umirap naman ako sa kan'ya saka umiling-iling. "He's barely even a year! Tigil-tigilan mo nga ako!"

Euan helped me when it comes to the clothing of Leven. Minsan nga ay nahihiya ako dahil galing pa ito sa mga collections na nakikita sa fashion week. Nahihiya akong tanggapin ito dahil cup noodles nga lang inuulam ko tapos 'yong anak ko naka-LV?! Baka isipin pa ng mga kapitbahay ko ay social climber ako!

I rented another apartment for us. Sa mas maayos at mas malapit kina Kaiaria ako nakalipat. Kaiaria took me as her personal assistant for some reason. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba 'yon sa awa o dahil kailangan n'ya talaga. Pinatos ko naman dahil triple ang kita nito kaya p'wede kong bitawan ang tatlong trabaho na mayroon ako. Hindi na rin kasi kinakaya ng katawan ko ang workload nito.

"Sabi ko naman sa 'yo! You don't have to work for Kaia anymore. Just promise me that Leven will be one of my models for my future projects! Your kid has good genes!" ani Euan na hanggang ngayon ay ayaw ako tantanan.

Nilipat ko ang noodles sa strainer. I was cooking ramen for us because it's already dinner when they visited. Nandito rin si Snyder na karga-karga si Leven at binubulungan ito. Hindi ko nga lang marinig kung ano ang sinasabi n'ya sa anak ko.

Binuksan ko ang TV upang matapatan ang ingay ni Euan. Sakto naman na isang interview sa isang sikat na modelo ang nasa channel.

"You're wearing one of the most sought after designs Today! Can you share who made your piece?" tanong ng nagi-interview.

"Euan Soteiro!" the woman chuckled, showing off her backless midnight colored gown, her skin complexion matched with the fit itself.

"Siya po ang gumawa," the woman smiled, a hint of seduction dripping in her tone. "Siya rin po ang maghuhubad nito sa akin."

The interviewer laughed at her bold statement. Nanglalaki naman ang mga mata namin nakarinig. Euan was beyond flabbergasted while watching the interview.

"Ang malditang 'yon!" Euan sneered. "Mamaya 'yon sa akin!"

Napailing na lamang ako at hinain na ang noodles para sa kanila.

Once in a while, niyayaya ako ni Kaiaria mag-grocery at nililibre n'ya. I always decline but she always insisted too. Hanggang sa nasanay na ako sa kan'ya at naging salitan ang pag-libre namin sa isa't isa. Kaya naman ngayon ay nandito kami sa malapit na supermarket at bumibili ako ng mga kailangan namin ni Leven. I let Kaiaria pick her necessities too.

Pagkatapos ko kumuha ng mga diapers ni Leven ay hinanap ko kung saang aisle si Kaiaria pumunta. I spotted her in the baby section too.

A sad look plastered on her face. She was outlining the baby's face on the product carefully.

"It must be nice. . . To have kids, huh?"

"Di rin. Masakit sa pu—" I coughed. "Hindi rin, Kaiaria. Well, masaya lang kung gusto mo talaga."

She chuckled. "I wonder if Caer likes kids too. . . He probably loves them. Pedia ang pangarap n'ya."

"You can always adopt, you know. . ."

"I know." She sighed exasperatedly. "I'm just having thoughts about it. Hindi ko nga alam kung itutuloy pa ba namin ang kasal. I want to delay it further because I'm getting weaker each day. I don't want others to speak ill of Caer. Kung wala lang si Etienne, I wished Caer would marry you instead."

Natigalgal ako roon. Her statement was serious and the way she looked at me without hesitation made my heart throbbed in panic.

"Solstice," Kaiaria smiled. "Can you do me a huge favor?"

"Hm? What's that?"

"Kung mamamatay man ako," Kaiaria breathed out. "Please marry Caer for me. Please take good care of him. I d-don't want him to think that I don't want him to be happy. I don't want him to linger on my death. Please marry Caer on my behalf."

❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜

My updates are every Wednesday and Friday! Although Sat and Sun updates are possible too (but regular updates are Wed&Fri) Thank you po for waiting and reading! Your thoughts and constant encouragement are appreciated.

Happy 11th monthsary, alliviates! Maraming salamat sa pananatili! Ily more than 3000! Sana nakakaabot na kayo sa special chapters chz.

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