Kabanata 35

"Okay lang ba?" I bit my lower lip after asking him for a favor. "Snyder. . ."

"Sure," sagot n'ya sa kabilang linya. "I never thought you'd ask."

Nagpapasama ako sa mga Reverio ngayon. Honestly, in the past few days — I've been trying to lift up my mood. Hindi pa rin nag-si-sink in sa akin ang lahat. I wanted to make myself look like a jolly person because I have to be happy. Hindi p'wedeng magpadala ako sa lungkot ngayon. Lalo na't may kasama na akong bata.

I was trembling when Snyder came. Mabilis akong nagpalit sa condo ko ng damit bago humarap kina Alfos. I wore another white maxi dress and covered myself with a black coat. Balak ko sana mag-heels pero naalala ko na baka hindi ko kayanin kaya nag-doll shoes na lang ako.

Snyder was presentable too. He was wearing a maroon shirt with a white polo underneath it and partnered it with black slacks. Ang buhok n'yang madalas magulo ay nakababa ngayon, making him look soft. Bagong ligo pa yata dahil amoy na amoy ko ang shower gel n'yang amoy vanilla.

I didn't expect him to smell sweetly. Mukha kasi siyang palaging wala sa mood at madalas na nagsusungit.

Sa shotgun seat sana ako uupo pero napansin ko na may tao sa likod. Her chinky eyes and delicate posture made me tilt my head to get a closer look.

"Sakay," utos sa akin ni Chloette. "Kasama ako ni Snyder."

"Chloe," I smiled at her. Pero hindi n'ya binalik ang ngiti o pagbati ko. Ang susungit nilang magkapatid.

"Sandali lang ba tayo roon? May family meeting tayo, Snyder." ani Chloe habang nakayuko at nakapikit. Parang kumukuha ng tulog.

"I'll ditch."

"We'll get punished if you do."

"Wala naman silang magagawa kung hindi ako sisipot."

"Using the heir privilege, huh?" Chloette crossed her arms and planted a small smirk on her face. "You're getting braver, Snyder."

It baffles me that Chloette can call Snyder as Snyder. Wala man lang kuya? Kahit hindi kami close ni Kuya Adren, I sometimes still address him as the older one. But Chloe is adopted, baka magkasing edad lang sila?

Napailing na lang ako. Both of them are a mystery to me. Hindi rin naman sila nagpapabuklat kaya hindi ko rin talaga sila mabasa nang masinsinan.

Nakarating kami sa gate ng mga Reverio. My stomach churned upon seeing the dying plants and the gloomy atmosphere. Ang lamig ng hangin ay nangangamoy lantang dahon at patay na bulaklak. There were vines growing in the steel of the gates. Para na itong isang abandonadong bahay. Adren is not always at home because he has his own pad and Lolo is always at the hospital. Si Dayarana na lang at si Mareena ang madalas na nandito.

I covered my nose as I took a step out from the car. Inabutan naman ako ng panyo ni Chloe nang makababa siya.

"Thank you," I acknowledge. She only shrugged as if it was no big deal.

Nakita ko ang isang pamilyar na katiwala. She was crying and she was carrying a suitcase. Agad naman na nagsalubong ang mga kilay ko.

"Are you okay?" bungad ko sa kan'ya. Nilingon ako ng katiwala at agad akong niyakap.

"Ma'am Solstice! Huwag na po kayo babalik dito," she cried out. "Umalis na po kayo!"

"T-teka, bakit naman?" tanong ko habang unti-unting pinapadalos ang aking kamay sa kan'yang likod. Hindi ko naman balak magtagal dito pero dinig na dinig ko ang takot sa kan'yang tinig.

"Ma'am. . ." patuloy lang siya sa pag-iyak. "Hindi ko na po kaya. Aalis na po ako. Hindi ko na po talaga sila kaya. . ."

Unti-unting kumapit sa akin 'yong katiwala. For some reason, I got scared too. On a usual day, I wouldn't really care if Dayanara or Alfos would hurt me physically — sanay na ako. Sinanay na nila kami. Pero hindi p'wede ngayon na may dala-dala akong bata. Hindi pa nakatulong na mukhang maselan ang pagbubuntis ko.

"S-snyder, tara na. Alis na lang tayo," I turned to him and pleaded. "Nagbago na ang isip ko."

I thought Alfos called me because he wanted to have a talk. Si Mareena ang ginamit nila kaya hindi ako makatanggi. Despite their cruel nature, their daughter never showed any malicious acts. Mabait na bata si Mareena, kahit si Adren ay hindi magawang magalit sa batang 'yon.

"Okay," Snyder nodded. "I'll open the car —"

"Solstice! You ungrateful brat! Ang kapal mong sirain ang pangalan ng mga Reverio!" a thunderous voice exclaimed, abruptly closing the remaining distance between us.

In one swift movement, a calloused hand was raised and I closed my eyes unwillingly embracing the fall of the palm on my cheek.

Isang malakas na tunog ng paglapat ng kamay sa pisngi ang umalingawngaw sa paligid. Gasps of horror were heard and I could feel my heart throbbing with pain.

"Snyder!" Chloette yelled out of concern. Kitang-kita ko ang takot sa mga mata n'ya.

The hand never landed on me. Napadilat ako at nakitang nasa harap ko si Snyder. His head was tilted to the side. Si Alfos naman ay hinihingal habang nasa likod n'ya ang nagaalalang si Dayanara. Mareena also came with them and she peered on me with an apologetic glance.

Napatili ako nang walang pasubaling sinampal ni Chloette si Alfos. Mas nanaig ang tunog ng kan'yang palad at napamulagat si Alfos dahil sa ginawa nito.

"You have no right to hurt the Esmael heir, Sir." Chloette strictly uttered. "Please do know that this will be heard by our elders."

"How dare you hurt Alfos —"

"How dare you hurt Snyder!" balik ni Chloette.

"Chloe, dalhin mo na si Solstice sa kotse." mahinang utos ni Snyder.

I was trembling. C'Mon, Lavy! Hindi ka ganito. You won't let them see you in your weakest state.

"I was going to discipline my child! Hindi ko siya pinalaking suwail at mangloloko! I know that Solstice wasn't the greatest among my children but I can't believe she ruined our name!" Alfos growled, despite his weakening posture. Kitang-kita na pinipilit na lang n'ya ang katawan n'ya.

"I knew your mother was a cheater," Dayanara taunted, a satisfied smile plastered on her face. "Hindi ko alam na gagaya ka sa kan'ya, Solstice. Sabagay, kanino ka pa ba magmamana? Edi sa makati mo ring ina. . ."

My heart broke at her statement. I wanted to yank her hair but I can't risk the baby inside me. Naiiyak na lang ako dahil hindi ko napagtanggol si Mama at ang sitwasyon ko. Mama didn't cheat, at kung may dapat siyang sisihin sa naging sitwasyon nila — si Alfos 'yon. It was so easy for her to plant my mother as the villainess for Alfos' own fault.

Ang dali talagang isisi sa babae 'no? It was so easy to blame my mother instead of Alfos. When in fact, Alfos was the one who put them in a situation where he had the upper hand.

"I'm disowning you, Solstice." Alfos coldly stated. "Kalimutan mo na may pamilya ka pa. We can't accept a whore like you!"

"Papa!" Mareena cried out. "Si ate pa rin 'yan!"

"Mareena! Paano matututo ang ate mo kung kukuntinsihin mo siya palagi? Hindi ito ang unang beses na pinahamak n'ya tayo. She will always tarnish our names!" galit na tugon ni Dayanara.

A tear fell from my eye. Of course, naghahanap lang naman talaga sila ng dahilan upang mapalayas ako. Lumingon sa akin si Mareena na umiiyak at paulit-ulit umiling.

I smiled weakly. "Gladly. Thank you for doing me a huge favor."

Dayanara sneered at me. Malungkot naman na umiling-iling si Mareena. Alfos was panting but he was still staring daggers at me. Kitang-kita ko ang pangu-uyam sa mga mata ni Alfos na tila ba ang laki ng kasalanan ko sa kanila. The Reverios were very protective when it came to their reputation. This scandal probably scared me so much that they wouldn't hesitate to cut me off. Finally.

Walang sali-salitang hinaklit na ako ni Snyder palayo sa kanila. We left in a hurry as my heart beat tripled. Hindi ko alam kung paano tatakasan ang mga nangyayari sa akin ngayon.

"Snyder. . ." mahinang ani Chloette. "Your cheek is bruised."

"Tell the elders that I graze it," Snyder replied. "Hindi ka naman nila sisisihin, Chloette. I'll make sure of that."

"I'm sorry," I sighed, sumalampak ang ulo sa headrest ng sasakyan. "I should have known they would do that. Umasa lang ako na baka hindi sila maging bayolente kapag may kasama akong iba."

"Saan ka ngayon? Hawak ba nila ang condo mo?"

"Lilipat ako."

"Saan?" tanong ni Snyder.

"Sa apartment siguro? Magtatanong din ako kay Tita Juana kung p'wedeng makitira muna sa kan'ya pero. . ." naluluha ako habang nagsasalita. "A-ayoko namang isipin n'yang pabigat ako. I don't want to burden anyone. . ."

This was my choice. Ayoko manghatak ng iba sa tatahakin ko. It's not like I haven't experienced poverty before. At hindi rin naman ako sobrang maluho at kapos. I have savings that will probably last for two or more years. Baka magtrabaho muna ako bago magpatuloy sa med school.

Chloette stilled her gaze at me. "Do you want the child, Solstice? If it causes you pain this much. . ."

I smiled without hesitation. "I love this child. I have a lot of regrets in my life but not this one."

Kung may kasalanan man ako, ito ay hindi ko inaasahan na hindi kami magkakasundo ni Etienne ngayon. Subalit hindi naman damay ang anak ko roon. It's not like I'm still a minor or I don't really want to have a child. Nagkataon lang na wala pa akong konkretong plano sa ngayon. That was my mistake, kaya nangangapa ako ngayon. If only I secure things before having a child, the heaviness in my chest will probably be lessened.

Matagal na no'ng huling nakausap ko si Tita Juana. I know her because she's also a socialite despite her reserve nature. Yna was also my friend but after senior high school, we drifted apart because of priorities. P'wede naman ako makisama sa kanila habang wala pa akong nahahanap na apartment. A day or two will be fine. Ayoko lang talagang mag-stay sa condo na binigay sa akin ng mga Reverio. It's sickening to even think that I have to use their money to survive somehow. Pero iniisip ko na lang na bayad nila ito sa mga kalokohan na ginawa nila sa akin.

"You can stay with me," Snyder chimed in. "Or you can have my pad. May studio pa naman ako."

"Bawal," Chloette protested, gratingly. "We can't afford a scandal in the making, Snyder."

It was a harsh way of telling that I brought nothing but trouble. Pero naiintindihan ko naman kung saan siya nanggagaling.

"Tama siya, Snyder. Gusto ko rin sana maging tahimik ang buhay ko habang buntis ako. I can't afford another controversy too." I agreed.

Snyder sighed before chewing his lower lip. "You won't hide from us, right?"

Natutop ang labi ko sa lumabas sa bibig ni Snyder. Agad kong winaksi sa isipan ko ang posibilidad na gawin ko 'yon.

Ngumiti ako sa kan'ya. "Baka ikaw nga ang taguan ako e. Ninong ka 'di ba? Subukan mo akong taguan, ibebenta ko talaga lahat ng paintings mo. Alam ko kaya kung saan ang studio mo!" I laughed.

Snyder smiled in response. Bumuntonghininga siya nang sabihin kung saan muna ako dadalhin. It was years since I stopped visiting them and I feel embarassed that I'm only going there because I have no place to go anymore.

"Solstice," Tita Juana greeted me, her eyes turning to slits as she approached us.

"Si Yna po?" tanong ko habang pinaglalaruan ang mga daliri.

Hindi ko na sinama si Snyder at Chloette sa loob ng bahay ni Tita Juana. I also apologized to them because they had to witness how the Reverios treated me like dirt. Nakakahiya pa dahil nasaktan din si Snyder.

"Yna's currently having a trip overseas," Tita Juana answered curtly. "May kailangan ka ba?"

"Tita Juana. . ." I swallowed hard. "Buntis po ako."

I was expecting a violent reaction from her. I even thought she'll throw a fit. Pero nagulat ako nang yakapin n'ya lang ako. The moment her thin arms touch my flesh. I broke down like a baby finally being allowed to cry.

"Is Etienne the father?" mahinahon n'yang tanong.

Unti-unti akong tumango. Nakatago pa rin ang aking mukha sa kan'yang dibdib. I was crying because the emotions inside me were heavy to carry alone. Dagdag pa rito na ayaw ako kausapin ni Etienne.

"He doesn't want the child?"

I nodded. "He doesn't care about the child. . ."

I can feel her breathing heavily. "I never thought the Soteiro brat would be like that. Patay na patay 'yon sa 'yo e. Kahit nga yata patay na kuko mo ay sasambahin n'on. Pero hayaan mo na, isipin mo na lang sperm donor siya."

"Tita Juana!" I gasped.

She chuckled as she slowly let her fingers brush my hair. "Do you want the child, Lavender? Because the moment you say yes, I have to warn you that being a mother is not easy. Even someone like me, who seems to be successful in everything, doubts that I can be a good mother."

"I really want the child, Tita Juana," I said firmly. "Kahit wala si Etienne."

"Paglaki n'ya ay hahanapin n'ya si Etienne, Lavender," Tita Juana sighed. "At sa panahon na hindi mo maipakita at maipaliwanag ang sitwasyon n'yo sa bata, sana hindi ka magkaroon ng galit sa anak mo kapag nagkaroon siya ng sama ng loob sa iyo. . ."

That broke my heartstrings. Parang pinutol ito isa-isa at binuhol-buhol. Ngayon pa lang ay hindi ko nakikitang magka-away kami ng magiging anak ko. I would treasure the child the same way my mother cherished me.

"Ipapakilala ko siya kay Etienne kapag. . . Handa na siya. At kung sakaling ayaw sa kan'ya ni Etienne, I'll also be the father of my child. . ." naiiyak kong saad. "I don't care if I sound dumb for wanting this child despite the problems that I have to face. Kung ayaw sa kan'ya ng ama n'ya. . . A-ako na lang ang mayroon siya, Tita Juana. . . Ang sama ko naman kung hahayaan ko siyang mag-isa."

Tita Juana heaved a breath. "I never saw myself as a mother, Lavender. Sure, I could take care of a child. Yes, I could provide for a child. Sige, kaya ko rin manganak. Pero 'yong responsibilidad na nakakabit sa pagiging ina? It's a thick rope that you can't cut off. Hindi p'wedeng kapag ayaw mo na maging ina, stop na. Gaga ka ba? Hindi naman ginusto ng anak mo na ipanganak mo siya. Kailangan mong panindigan ang desisyon mo hanggang dulo. . . Hindi natatapos sa panganganak ang pagiging ina."

What she said made sense that it rattled me. Paano nga kung di ako maging mabuting ina? What if I became like Alfos and Dayanara? What if I was only capable of tormenting my child for his or her entire life?

What if I'll hate this child because I wasn't able to pursue my first plan in my life? My heart sank and I kept on shaking my head. Napahawak ako nang mahigpit kay Tita Juana.

"Lavender. . ." Tita Juana caressed my face and made me look at her. "Choose yourself in times like this. You'll get shit on, anyway. We, women, get shit on for things men enjoy. Kapag pinili mo na hindi magkaanak, sisisihin ka na sayang naman. You normally don't hear those remarks targeted to men while we're pressured to give fucking birth every damn time. Kapag naman anak ka nang anak, you'll still get shit on. As if you were the only one who created the fetus. As if you're the one who can impregnate a lot of women."

Pinahid ko ang luha ko sa aking kamay. "Right, but I really want the child, Tita Juana. I want to be a mother."

"I. . . It's your choice." Bumuntonghininga si Tita Juana. "I can provide —"

"I'll work for it. Please let me be liable for my decision," I smiled through the tears. "Ginusto ko 'to kaya hayaan n'yo ako matuto. Kung mahirapan man ako, at least natuto ako hindi ba? At least alam ko na mahirap pala talaga."

If my decisions do not have consequences, I won't learn from it. Lalo na kung sakaling mali ito at kinunsinti lang ako. I will repeat the same mistake if I don't learn.

And I can't always depend on others. Hindi naman sila kasama sa paggawa nitong bata kaya bakit kasama sila sa responsibilidad? Tinatak ko sa utak ko 'yon. I will be fully liable for the consequences of my choices.

Tita Juana smiled faintly. "Fine, you can stay here but you'll have to work for it. Kahit ang iilang mga gastusin na kailangan mong hiramin sa akin ay kailangan mo rin bayaran. Is that okay with you?"

I nodded. That was better than being here rent-free. At tulad ng napagusapan ay gano'n nga ang nangyari. For a few months, I stayed with her and worked for the accomodation. Hindi ako trinatong iba ni Tita Juana, though she does sometimes make me take a rest from the household chores.

I was honestly scared to go out in public. Kaya naman sa malalayong hospital pa ako dumadayo. I would drive for three hours to go to another hospital just because I don't want others to know that I'm pregnant. Pero may isang tao akong hindi naiwasan.

"Solstice?" she uttered in surprise.

Napalingon ako upang tingnan kung sino ito. She grew taller but she was pale. Her hair was a bit dry but regardless of her sickly image, she was still good looking.

"K-Kaiaria. . " Nanglaki ang mga mata ko. I can't hide my pregnancy anymore! Ang laki-laki na ng tiyan ko! Para na nga akong lumunok ng buong pakwan!

"You're pregnant. . .'' she stated and her eyes lowered down. "Oh, congrats. . ."

"Uh. . ." how can I explain my situation? Hindi naman kasapi ng mga tsismosa itong si Kaiaria but she might tell someone! Baka kay Etienne pa nga! Ayoko na guluhin ang isang 'yon.

"Yes?" she asked, attentively.

I swallowed the itching sensation on my throat. "Can we talk?"

We decided to talk about my current situation. Halos magmakaawa ako sa kan'ya na huwag ipagsabi ito sa iba dahil malapit na rin ako manganak. I was fidgeting my finger under the table while waiting for her response.

"It's okay, wala rin naman akong p'wedeng pagsabihan pero si Caer kasi. . . We live together."

"CL? Wala namang mali roon."

Kaiaria pouted. "Well, I was wondering if. . .Can I be a ninang?"

Nangunot naman ang noo ko. What's with their obsession over being a ninong and ninang? Kahit si Snyder ay palagi akong pinapaalahanan tungkol dito. Friendship over na raw kami kapag nakalimutan ko siya.

Namula nang bahagya si Kai. "K-kasi, ikaw pa lang sa mga medyo kakilala ko ang may anak na. I really want to experience being a mother b-but. . ."

"But?"

"Hindi kasi p'wede e," she chuckled, a tinge of pain being heard in her voice. "Mahina kasi 'yong katawan ko kaya hindi ko kakayanin. P-pero 'wag ka sana ma-pressure! Anak mo naman 'yan. C-congrats ulit."

I felt guilty. Kaya pala kanina pa kumikinang ang mga mata n'ya habang nakatingin sa tyan ko.

"Sure. P-pero dapat invited ako sa kasal n'yo ni Caer ha!" biro ko.

Ngumiti naman siya sa akin. "I won't marry Caer."

Unti-unting nawalan ng kulay ang mukha ko. "What?"

"Please don't get me wrong. When Etienne proposed the idea to me, I did agree because I didn't want Caer to marry someone who could possibly kill him. Pero naisip ko rin na patagalin lang ang engagement hanggang mapunta sa iba ang atensyon n'on. Caer deserves someone who can be with him 'till he's old and gray. I can't be that someone. The doctor says maximum of ten years na lang ang itatagal ko. Himala kung lumagpas pero sobrang ikli na lang. . ."

"You knew about it?"

"Etienne wouldn't do it if I didn't ask for his help. I heard na pinagawayan n'yo 'yon. . ." Napalunok siya at yumuko. "Sorry, Solstice. Kasalanan ko kung bakit n'ya ginawa 'yon. I just didn't want Caer to be harmed in any way. I wasn't able to tell you before, hindi rin kasi kita mahagilap."

"Kaiaria. . ."

Her eyes went misty. "So thank you for accepting my offer. I want to experience how to take care of a child while I'm still here. I can't adopt one because I also don't want to leave a child alone when I die —"

"Kaiaria! Hindi ka mamamatay, okay?!" I hysterically said. "You'll live. . . Caer will be with you. I'll b-be with you!"

"Solstice. . ." Kaiaria smiled despite her flowing tears. "Thank you."

That day, I found a friend in Kaiaria. Ang mabigat kong dala-dala ay pinagaan n'ya. Despite her cold and intimidating exterior, she was warm on the inside. Pero tulad nga ng inaasahan, nalaman din ni Caer ang tungkol sa bata.

"A-ayoko na makipag-sex!" I cried while currently being in labor.

Tang ina nila! Tinatawanan lang ako ni Snyder at Euan habang dinadala ako sa delivery room. Si Euan ay nangaasar pa nga at ginagaya ako habang ipit na ipit na ang mukha ko. Punyeta siya! Samantalang namumutla na at natataranta si Kaiaria. I don't even know if it's my sight playing with me!

The voices surrounding me became slurs. Unti-unting nanghihina ang mga buto ko at para ako pinipiraso.

Last mo na talaga 'to, Etienne! Di ka na makakaulit! At kung maulit man, ikaw na lang manganak! Gago ka, ang sakit!

Wala na akong naririnig kundi ang iyak ko. I kept on pushing as the doctor guided me to carefully pull the child out. Pakiramdam ko ay mapupugto ang aking hininga sa sobrang sakit. I was closing my eyes when finally. . .

In a picturesque silence, a beautiful cry was born. Rinig na rinig ko ang iyak n'ya at hindi ko mapigilan mapaiyak habang hinahabol ang hininga.

Thank you for giving me another reason to live, Leverett. . .

❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜
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