Kabanata 30

"L-lavy," Etienne gradually lowered down his gaze. Dinampot n'ya ang sirang kwintas sa lapag.

"If you think I don't love you, then I don't." malamig na sabi ko. "I don't love you, Etienne. Ayan? Okay na? I fucking confirmed your feelings!" my voice croaked, my chest inflating with air because of how fast I tried to calm down myself.

"Lavy, that isn't. . ." Etienne held on the necklace tightly. Kita ko ang pamumula ng kan'yang kamay sa higpit ng hawak n'ya roon.

"Tapos na tayo, Etienne." I said, plastering a blank expression. "I don't want to be with someone who can't trust me. Pagod na akong patunayan na mahal kita. I always have to prove something. . ."

My love for him was intangible. Kahit kailan ay hindi ito makikita ng iba at siya lang ang makakaramdam no'n. And if he can't even feel my love for him, para saan pa na magkasama kami ngayon?

I didn't want him to settle with a mediocre love. No one deserves to settle with a love that is least deserving. He deserves to feel treasured and appreciated. Pagod na akong habulin ang paraan kung paano dapat siya ibigin.

"L-lavy, sandali lang. . ." his hands went to grab mine. Agad ko itong tinabig. Tulad noong araw na humihingi siya sa akin ng tulong. My heart was freezing at the moment.

"Ayoko na sa 'yo. At kahit ikasal pa si CL sa iba, hinding-hindi na ako babalik sa 'yo. I'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't trust m-me. . ." naiiyak kong saad. I wipe my own tears.

I cursed under my breath before looking at him.

"Minahal naman k-kita. Ano pa bang kailangan kong gawin para p-patunayan 'yon?" mahinang saad ko. Ang puso ay unti-unting pinipiraso. I inhaled through my nose and looked sharply at him.

"I loved you," Ngumiti ako sa kan'ya, bumabalisbis ang mga luha. "Pero ayoko na sa pagmamahal na pakiramdam ko ay kailangan palagi akong may papatunayan. I don't want a love that makes me feel cage because there's no assurance. Ayoko na sa pagmamahal na inuubos ako. . ."

"L-lavy, huwag naman ganito. I. . ." Etienne's jaw clenched. "I was the one at fault. I just became desperate because. . ."

"Because you think I'll choose CL over y-you?" nangangatal kong tanong. At sa hindi n'ya pagsagot lalong lumalim ang lungkot sa puso ko.

"I-I'm sorry, ako mismo ang gagawa ng paraan para hindi masunod 'yong kasal. I'll b-be good now, Lavy. I promise not to meddle with anyone's life. . ." aniya, tila ba isang batang nangangakong hindi na uulit.

I exhaled to release my deep rooted disappointment. "That's good. . . Pero hindi na kita babalikan. I had enough of this. I want us to break up, Etienne. I can't be with someone who can't trust me." I caressed his face and made him look at me. "I can't be with you anymore. I w-was happy, but I'm not going to stay because of that. I want you to find someone who can love you without making you doubt their love. . ."

"Ikaw 'yon, L-lavy. . ." he held on my hands, eyes brimming with tears. "Huwag mo a-akong iiwan, please. Hindi ko na 'yon gagawin. . ."

Ngumiti lang ako sa kan'ya at unti-unting umiling. "I realized that you've done a lot of things for me. Pero napagtantuan ko rin na hindi ka naman dadaan sa mga sakit na 'yon kung hindi ako ang mahal mo, Etienne." I said, my voice croaked as I slowly took my hands off him.

Umaagos ang luha sa aking pisngi. He rested his head on my shoulder. Nanghihina ako habang ginagawa n'ya 'yon. I know what he had to go through but this is all wrong. Mali 'yong ginawa n'ya.

Napabuntonghininga naman ako. When will you let me go? Kapag ganito. . . Mahihirapan akong pakawalan ka.

"Let's go home," aniya.

"No. It's time for you to go home, Etienne. Wala ng tayo," giit ko sa kan'ya sa mababang tono.

His eyes softened. "Lavy n-naman. . ."

Muli akong umiling at pinipilit na maging matatag. "I'm sorry if I wasn't worth the sacrifices. I know you have done a lot for me. Pero ayoko na, Etienne. Ayoko na habang tayo ay iniisip ko kung tama na ba ito? Sapat na ba ito? Will you feel appreciated if I did this or that? Para kitang hinahabol kahit hindi naman ito karera. . ."

Pinilit ko ang ngumiti sa kan'ya. "I can't love you the way you want to be loved. My love for you will never be enough. And I'm sorry that I have to go. I have to let myself know that we both deserve love without ever thinking of being enough. . ."

We tend to do things to please the person we love. Para isipin nilang sapat na tayo. Subalit hindi kailanman magiging sapat ang isang pag-ibig na hindi nakikita ng taong pinagaalayan mo nito. I don't want us to forever linger on the thought that we deserve better than this kind of love. I don't want him to regret his sacrifices and him giving his everything in this relationship when he can't even see that I do love him.

"Lavy, you're just upset. Huwag naman ganito. . ." Umiling-iling pa siya sa akin. "I can't lose you again. I have you now. . ."

Nagpakawala ako ng isang malalim na hininga.

"The moment you thought I still liked CL while I was in a relationship with you —you have already lost me. Gano'n ba kababaw ang tingin mo sa akin, Etienne?" I sobbed, feeling the huge lump on my throat.

That was disrespectful. Hindi lang sa akin bilang tao kundi sa kan'ya na rin bilang mahal ko. I would never cheat on him, physically and emotionally. Halata na wala siyang tiwala sa pag-ibig na mayroon ako para sa kan'ya. A love without the foundation of trust was bound to collapse. We were bound to collapse. Pareho kaming sirang-sira ngayon.

"Lavy. . ." his eyes started to produce tears. Agad namang lumamlam ang mga mata ko. I never wanted to see him cry again. Pero paulit-ulit na lang kami sa scenario na ganito.

"Etienne, huwag mo na a-akong pahirapan. I loved you so much that I know you deserved better. And I don't want you to settle with me," mahinahong saad ko sa kan'ya. "I can't give you the love you want. The love that you deserve. I tried. So hard. . ."

Mahal naman kita, Etienne. Pero parang hindi 'yon sapat. I will never be enough for you.

"I didn't mean it that way, alam ko naman na mahal mo ako. . ." he swallowed hard, I could hear the tension in his voice. "A-alam ko lang din na baka kaya mo siyang mas mahalin."

My chest deflated. That sentence alone broke me.

This was what scares me the most. Ang mapagtantuan na kahit pala siya ay duda rin sa pag-ibig ko para sa kan'ya. Maybe what we had was love yet love doesn't always work out. Napangiti naman ako habang pinapalis ang mga luha ko.

"You know what hurts me the most? I thought you were different. I thought you wouldn't use it against me. I thought. . . My love was enough. Hindi pala talaga. We can't be together if it's always going to spiral down to this, Etienne." I said firmly before leaving him alone. Sinubukan n'ya akong habulin ngunit sumakay ako sa isang pamilyar na kotse. The driver looked at me, a bit shocked to see a stranger in his passenger seat.

"Can you please drive me away from here?" I pleaded, hindi pinapansin si Etienne na kinakatok ang bintana.

"S-sure," pagpayag n'ya.

Agad akong napabuntonghininga nang umalis na ang sasakyan. Nagpahatid ako patungo sa mga Reverio para makapagpahinga na, this day was draining me. I insisted on paying but he refused so I thanked him instead. Dumiretso naman ako sa kwarto ko nang mapansin wala sina Dayanara. They were probably at the hospital, binabantayan si Alfos na hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa nagigising.

Everything is taking a toll on me. I couldn't mourn properly because I have to move forward. Kahit ayoko pa. Hindi ko magawang mahilom ang mga sugat na iniwan sa akin ng nakaraan ko at ng pagkawala ni Mama dahil pilit akong tinutulak sa isa pang bangin ng mga problema.

I cried harder as I walked towards my room. I got my phone to text someone. I need to at least help Etienne to clear his name. Pinalis ko ang mga luha ko habang humihikbi.

Lavender:

Can we talk tomorrow?

About what happened.

Habang tinitipa ko 'yon ay hindi ako sigurado kung tama bang siya ang tinatanong ko nang gano'n. It felt wrong but I have to remember why I was asking him to talk to me. Hindi naman ito tungkol sa aming dalawa.

CL:

For what?

Lavender:

Please, it won't take long.

I felt guilty because of what Etienne did. Kahit kailan ay hindi naging mabuti ang ginagawa n'ya para sa iba. Kahit pa ang ilan sa mga ito ay naging maganda ang resulta, the trauma and suffering that they went through could have been avoided if only Etienne didn't meddle with their lives.

CL:

Okay.

Napapikit ako. I want to set things clear for CL too. I want him to know that Etienne isn't a bad person. He just makes bad decisions sometimes. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ipapaliwanag ito kay CL. I felt bad for him and Kaiaria to be stuck in a web of manipulation.

I felt agitated and I couldn't sleep. Hinintay ko na lang mag-umaga upang makapunta na agad sa isang malapit na coffee shop kung saan malapit ang eskwelahan ni CL. I was wearing a beige cardigan and black slacks, pinagtitinginan tuloy ako ng mga estudyante na halatang galing sa med school dahil sa mga uniporme nila.

Medyo aligaga pa ako nang magtagpo ang mga mata namin ni CL. Based on the dark bags under his eyes, I could attest that he didn't have a good sleep either.

"I appreciate your concern but it's not your fault," pangunguna n'ya habang umuupo sa aking harapan. "But let's make this quick, Solstice. Pagod na akong madamay sa inyo ni Etienne."

Ngayon ko lang nahimigan ang galit kay CL. He was probably pushed too far. Sa magulo n'yang buhok at umiigting na panga, halatang ayaw n'ya na sanang sumipot. This was the first time that he was disheveled, ibang-iba sa madalas n'yang malinis na ayos.

"I'm sorry for w-what Etienne d-did. T-tutulong na lang ako na mapigilan 'yong. . ." I trailed off. Hinahabol ko ang hininga ko dahil sa tindi ng tingin sa akin ni CL.

His eyes were seriously making me feel scared. The authority and calmness behind it makes me feel ashamed of what Etienne did. He was innocent, nadamay lang talaga siya sa ginawa ni Etienne.

"May sakit si Kaiaria sa puso, if I decline the arrangement. . ." CL explained and looked at me. "Para na rin akong pumatay ng tao."

Natutop ang labi ko. I didn't know that her condition was already that bad.

"Magpapakasal ka kay Kaiaria?" I asked to confirm.

CL played with his fingers as if caught in a trace. Napapikit siya nang mariin at tumango.

"I'll do my best. . . To be her husband."

"I'm s-so sorry," I said. Hindi ko mapigilan ang umiyak. This was the second time that I couldn't do anything to save someone. The first time was my mom's death. Ngayon naman ay pagpilit kay CL na maipakasal. Ang masakit pa ay ang taong mahal ko ang gumawa nito.

How could I hate Etienne for doing this? Pero pilit kong pinapatatag ang loob ko na dapat ko itong panagutan. What he did was despicable. I know that he liked playing but never this far. Sobra na talaga itong nagawa n'ya.

"Solstice," CL sighed and tried to smile. "I'll be fine. Kaiaria's a nice girl. At kahit hindi naman 'yon ginawa ni Etienne, I think arrangements will still be made. . . He probably just did this so you wouldn't be arrange to me."

"Mali pa rin ang ginawa ni Etienne. I'm sorry I couldn't h-help you. . ." hikbi ko, pahina nang pahina ang boses dahil sa hiya.

"You're a bit emotional these days, Solstice? I'm glad to see that you are capable of letting this out." CL leaned and gently patted me on my head. "You don't always have to blame yourself for things you can't control."

"I'm breaking up with him. . ." I confessed. "Pero hindi dahil sa 'yo, CL. I want that to be clear. At hindi ko alam k-kung bakit kailangan paulit-ulit ko itong sabihin p-pero minahal ko s-si Etienne. . . Sobra. . ."

"I know. . ."

"Maybe I should have tried harder to make him feel it. Maybe I was too occupied with a lot of things. Maybe I wasn't enough. . ."

Cl sighed. "Solstice, I'm sure that's not the case. Hindi mo naman kailangan palaging punan ang pagkukulang o pagiging sobra ng iba. You don't always have to blame yourself."

Hindi mapigilan ang balisbis ng mga luha sa aking pisngi. Patuloy ko itong pinalis at pilit na kinukubli ang mga hikbi.

"Ang s-sakit lang na bakit ba kailangan palagi akong dapat may papatunayan. . ." I wiped my tears away. "A-ayoko nang gano'n at a-ayoko rin naman na palaging natatakot si Etienne na b-baka hindi ko siya mahal. He deserves someone who can make him feel secure. . . "

"Sh," CL carefully took a tissue out of his pocket and gave it to me. "I think you both have to communicate your thoughts. Hindi rin kasi mareresolba ang problema n'yo kung sa akin ka nagsasabi. I think Etienne will respond better, Solstice. He knows you better. . ."

My heart felt somehow lighter. CL has always been good with words. Akala ko ay mananatili siyang galit ngunit kalmado na ulit siya. He smiled at me when he noticed I was staring.

"Ang bait mo talaga, ano?"

"Kaya nga crush mo ako no'ng junior high e," he shrugged.

Agad namang nanglaki ang mga mata ko. Pakiramdam ko kahit mga muta sa aking mata ay tumalsik dahil sa gulat.

"Kapal mo! Junior high pa 'yon, nene pa ako no'n. Saka, nag-improve naman taste ko no'ng senior high!" I laughed.

"Soteiro pa rin." CL pointed out.

"Sisiw na Soteiro!" I said, I finally laughed after all the tears that made me feel exhausted. Remembering Etienne's face when his hair was bleached made me happy. "I am in love with a Soteiro, the one who dyes his hair because I told him I like it. . ."

CL smiled solemnly. "I don't tolerate what he did but I hope you'll give him a chance. You're the only person who can make him feel secure, Solstice."

Bumuntonghininga ako. "Tama ka, baka masyado lang akong nagpadala sa emosyon kagabi. I'll talk to him after this."

"You should rest too," CL reminded me, his face showing concern. "Sometimes, being restless also exhausts our emotions. Kailangan mo rin magpahinga at matutong huminto, Solstice."

"Kahit patuloy ang mundo sa pag-ikot?"

Umiling si CL. "The world knows when to stop for a while, Solstice. It stops when you stop being aware of how fast others cope. Kung mabilis sila, hindi naman dapat mabilis ka rin. Even if it's a long journey for you, take your time in healing. It's better to be healed before going to another war — because living means being in series of silent battlefields. We all have our battles we don't broadcast, and that's why it's important to heal yourself first before moving forward."

Tumango naman ako. I smiled at him and took time to indulge his words. We bid our farewell and I gave him a one last hug to finally close our encounter.

"Are you sure that you'll be okay?" tanong ko. A sudden marriage at a young age, it was absurd.

Ngumiti lang siya sa akin. "I'll manage, hindi naman biglaan ang magiging kasal. We'll see if it works, kapag hindi — well, at least we tried, right?"

Hinatid ako ni CL patungo sa condominium ko pagkatapos naming magusap. I took a quick rest because my eyelids were already too heavy. Ang puso ko naman ay bumabagal na ang tibok sa sobrang pagod.

I just wanted rest from everything.

Kinagabihan ay nag-shower ako at napansin ang pamumutla. I am naturally fair but my skin feels a bit dry. Hindi naman ako conscious palagi sa itsura ko pero napapansin ko ang ilang pagbabago nitong mga nakaraang araw.

I sighed, I better check it later after talking to Etienne. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya kakausapin. I thought we were over after that fight. Pero babalik pa rin pala ako sa kan'ya.

I took a deep breath before driving my way to his condo unit. Sa parking lot pa lang ay nagtatahip na ang puso ko sa kaba.

Hindi naman marunong magtanim ng sama ng loob sa akin si Etienne at sa pagkakatanda ko ay siya itong may kasalanan sa akin. He was the one who manipulated things on his own will despite of my constant warning to him.

Sa unang katok ko sa kan'yang unit ay medyo nagtaka ako sa tagal n'yang buksan ito. Inisip ko pa nga na baka wala siya ngunit hindi rin naman sumasagot ang mga Soteiro sa tawag ko. Tita Ellise would tell me if Etienne was there.

Lavender:

Hi po, Tita. Nand'yan po ba si Etienne?

Ellise:

Sorry 🥺

He's not here e.

Did something happen ba 😰

Lavender:

Wala po, tita! Thank you.

I sighed. Mukhang nandito nga si Etienne. Hindi kaya tulog lang siya? I wonder if he's just asleep.

Muli akong kumatok. The pressure inside my chest made me heave. My shoulders squared when Etienne opened the door, his hair disheveled and his eyes were bloodshot.

I was expecting him to be solemn but for some reason, he looks mad. His eyes had storms in them; a cloudless sky with silent thunders.

"Etienne. . ." I softly called.

"Nandito ka ba para kunin gamit mo? I already pack them for you." He smiled.

Umawang ang labi ko sa naging reaksyon n'ya. Hindi ko alam bakit parang may pumipitik ng mga mata ko at unti-unting naglalabas ito ng mga luha.

"A-ano?"

"Your things. Inayos ko na siya para sa 'yo," he coldly cleared out. "Pakikuha na lang."

I had a few things in his condo. Balak na rin kasi namin sana na magsama dahil nga seryoso naman kami sa isa't isa. Hindi ko inakalang aabot sa ganito. Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita at tiningnan lang ang loob ng condo n'ya.

It was a mess. His bedsheets were scattered, the frames on his walls were all on the floor, and even some of his decorations were broken. Tanging ang maleta ko lang na iniwan para sana sa mga damit ko kung sakaling magbabakasyon kami ang naiwang maayos.

"Etienne," seryosong saad ko. "About what happened last night. . . I. . ."

"Get your things, Lavender. Wala na akong pakialam sa inyo ni CL. Just go and be with him," malamig n'yang tugon.

Kumunot ang noo ko at hindi napigilan magmaktol. "Bakit ba damay na naman si CL? Palagi na lang bang madadamay 'yong tao kapag may nangyayari sa atin?! Etienne, what you did —"

"Kaya nga sumama ka na lang sa kan'ya 'di ba? If you feel so righteous, then be with him. Tangang-tanga na ako kakaisip sa 'yo. . . Tapos. . ." He bit his lower lip and closed his eyes. Umiwas siya ng tingin.

"Please. Umalis ka na lang. Kung ayaw mo na, ayoko na rin, Lavender."

I couldn't process what he said. I know that we were supposed to be exes now, pero hindi ko lang maisip na ayaw na n'ya sa akin.

Is he giving up on me? On us?

Napalunok naman agad ako. "I wasn't here for that."

"Tapos na tayo 'di ba? Get your stuff now, if you can't — ipapahatid ko na lang."

"You really w-want me gone?" my voice croaked. Hindi ko namalayan ang mga luha ko.

Etienne sighed. "I don't want confrontations from you. Pagod na akong intindihin ka. I know I was wrong. I know what I did was beyond evil. . . But you only prove that all these years, it was always CL. It will always be him."

"Etienne, bakit si CL na naman —" I was cut off.

A lone tear fell from his eye. Natigilan ako dahil wasak na wasak siya ngayon sa harapan ko.

He smiled rancorously at me. "The moment that we broke up, the f-first person that you went to was him. Ano'ng gusto mong isipin ko? Mas gugustuhin mo pang kausapin siya kesa ayusin 'yong away natin. . ."

"Etienne —"

"Maybe you really did just pity me," he blurted out. "Guess what, Reverio? I don't want your pity anymore. Kung hindi mo ako kayang mahalin. . . Just let me go."

Natigalgal ako sa namutawing mga salita mula sa kan'ya. Bumaba ang tingin n'ya at sinapo ang kan'yang noo. He breathed out before giving a small smirk.

"Thanks for the pity fuck, I guess?" he snorted.

I winced at what he said. Hindi ko napigilan na kumunot ang noo sa kan'ya. The corners of his eyes were reddening. Kita ko rin na nagpipigil siyang magsalita. Yumuko siya at nagbaling sa iba ng tingin. He probably felt guilty but he couldn't say it.

Etienne resorted to closing the door. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung kakausapin ko pa siya o hahayaan na munang humupa ang mga emosyon n'ya. What he felt was valid. Maybe I was wrong to seek CL in the midst of our fight.

Gulong-gulo ako ngunit natakot akong kumatok muli. This was the first time that Etienne was like that. Kahit noon na may away sa amin ay hindi siya naging gano'n. Umuwi ako no'ng araw na 'yon ngunit nagtitipa ako ng mga mensahe para kay Etienne. None of my messages received any reply.

However, my things were brought to me the next day. There was a note in the lavender flowers tangled in twines. Agad ko itong kinuha upang basahin. My hands were trembling as my eyes scanned the note.

My heart shattered. Pieces piercing through my entire being. Nanginginig ako habang binabasa ang maikling sulat. I never thought Etienne was capable of hurting me through words alone.

Hello Lavender,

You taught me that love means you have to let go of things that you tightly held for the longest time because you thought it might work. It might stay. yet you have to let it loose, let it broken, let it be free — holding on to the wrong love won't guarantee a happy end.

Thank you for loving me in your very best. I yearn for happiness. So, I hope you'll find it with someone else, because we did try our best to be happy with each other. . . But sometimes losing a war in love means not defeat but a sign that we should find another love to conquer. And I hope, earnestly, you will finally win this one.

Thank you and goodbye. I hope we never meet again.

Regards,

Etienne Soteiro

❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜

Happy Birthday, Aria! This chapter is for you. I hope you'll enjoy your day! ᥫ᭡ li