Kabanata 26

I laughed, sounding as fake as possible. Hinawakan ko pa ang tiyan ko at pumapalakpak pa ako para makumbinsi ang sarili ko na joke lang ang lahat ng ito. I refused to believe that after all the years that I denied his existence, he's here once again. I wanted to make myself believe that I was too drunk that I'm imagining that he's in front of me.

"I have a boyfriend," giit ko sa kan'ya.

"I know."

"Imagination lang kita," I said and pointed my finger at him. "Di ka totoo, lasing lang ako."

"Okay?" He sounded confused but he laughed later on. "C'Mon, Solstice. I'll call a cab so you can go home, Baka naga-alala na rin sila sa 'yo."

"Sige," I groggily agreed. Goodness, I should never drink again. Sa susunod ay hahayaan ko na lang ang sarili ko na ma-bored kaysa mauto ni Euan na uminom.

I strided my way to his car. Nakita ko ang bahagyang pagkunot ng noo n'ya, umupo na lamang ako sa shotgun seat ngunit tiningnan lang ako ni CL, imagination version.

"What?" mataray na tanong ko.

"You're supposed to ride in a different car," saad n'ya.

Umiling ako. "Ikaw na lang ang maghatid sa akin, imagination lang naman kita."

He lightly chuckled and entered his car. Binuksan na n'ya ang makina at narinig ko ang mahinang pagharurot nito kahit halos mga street lamps na lang ang naging gabay namin sa gabi.

"Please forgive me for assuming but do you have any problems, Solstice?" the driver asked. Everything was gradually becoming mosaic to me. It was even pixelated. I couldn't put the pieces together because they were becoming smaller.

"Why?" garagal na tanong ko.

"I never pegged you as the drinking type. I assume that you had a problem but feel free to correct my misunderstanding. . ." banayad n'yang sagot.

My sight went in his direction. Pinanood ko siyang magmaneho at unti-unting nanlalabo ang paningin ko. I don't know why, siguro ay antok lang ako o di kaya'y masyado na akong nalulunod sa kalasingan. Hindi napapawi ang mainit na likido sa aking lalamunan.

"I'm just. . ." I sighed exasperatedly.

"Hm?"

"I love Etienne."

". . ." the person didn't reply. I could feel his discomfort but I continued on.

"I can't leave him alone," I said, with a strained voice. "He has always been there for me. He saved my mother. He saved me. I can't let him know that my love for him isn't as deep as his love for me. It will break him. It will destroy him once again."

I swallowed the bile in my throat. Marahan kong pinunasan ang mga bumalisbis na luha. I laughed it off.

"Sorry, lasing lang talaga siguro ako. I don't even know why I'm opening to a complete stranger. . ." humikbi ako. I could feel my eyes being swollen tomorrow.

"It's okay," he said in his calm voice. "We are humans, we are all vulnerable — we often just forget that we are but in the end we're still capable of getting hurt. We don't always have to be strong all the time. Even superheroes have weaknesses, so why shouldn't we embrace our vulnerabilities as well?"

I broke down upon finally hearing someone who could make me feel that I could cry too.

"I don't deserve Etienne." I claimed, still sobbing. Pinipiga ang puso dahil sunud-sunod ang bira sa akin ng aking memorya. "Ang babaw ba ng problema ko? Pero pakiramdam ko tuwing magkasama kami, pakiramdam ko hindi dapat siya sa akin. I could fool myself that I'm a good match for him but in the end, I know that he needs someone who can love him as deep as he can."

"But you love him? Don't you?"

I nodded slowly to affirm it. Hinawakan ko ang dibdib ko dahil sumisikip ito. Damn it! Bakit ba ako naiiyak nang ganito? Sa harap pa ng taong hindi ko lubusang kilala!

"Mahal ko siya," namamaos kong saad. Patuloy na pumapatak ang luha sa gilid ng aking mga mata. "Hindi man kasing lalim ng pagmamahal n'ya sa akin pero mahal ko siya. At. . . Ang sakit na kahit ano'ng gawin ko palaging kulang, palaging hindi sapat o di kaya'y palaging mali. I love him in the way that I know —"

"And that's enough, Lavender." he said which caught me off guard. He knows my name. This stranger knows my true name. "Let's stop with your first sentence, you love him. You love him and that's enough. You don't have to prove it to anyone but to the person you love."

"He deserves someone better." I confessed while biting my lower lip to suppress my sobs. "Tangina, he deserves better. He deserves more love than what he gets from me."

"Name someone," the stranger called me out. "Name the better person that he deserves more than you."

I was mum. Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita dahil sa tinanong n'ya sa akin.

No one came to mind.

I tried to ransack my head for a person who deserves Etienne but no one really showed a visualisation of the person he deserves to be with.

"You can't? Well, I can." the stranger said, his husky voice trailed on. "I can say that Etienne deserves Solstice Lavender Reverio. He deserves a person who's not perfect but is constantly trying to make him feel loved."

He stopped maneuvering the car. He hit the brakes and stopped in the side as he took a breath before opening the lights.

"Listen to me," he gently handed me the tissues in his compartment. "You don't have to match his love for you. You know. . .Every human loves in their own way. And that includes your love for him. It is not the same love that you had for the person in your past but it doesn't mean that you don't love him much more than how people see it."

I sobbed as I took the tissues out of the box. Walang hiya man ngunit suminga ako rito. I have never been vulnerable to anyone because I think they would take it as something they can take advantage of. Yet this person is making me feel like I could open my wounds to him. I could show him my scars. And he won't judge me for it.

All my life, I felt like people have set things for me. The person that I should love, the life that I should live and even the way I love is being questioned. And I can't do anything about it. I can't even defend myself because that's their perspective.

It's shitty how easy you can give someone the perfect advice but you can never apply it to yourself. All the proverbs and wisdom can be applied to everyone except to your own life.

I love him. . . But not as deep as how he loves me. Mali na ba ako n'on? Sinusubukan ko naman. Pinapalalim ko naman. It is just. . . He loves me more. I can't do anything about that.

"And Lavender, you kept on asking your love for him based on how others see it. But have you asked Etienne? Did he question your love for him?"

Umiling ako sa kan'ya. Etienne never made me feel that I have loved him less.

"Love isn't always seen in huge actions or even in the most extravagant words. The most genuine love is seen in small pieces found in the smallest actions. The moment you think of them before doing anything is already a sign of love. The moment you try your best to make them proud is also love. You see? We love in different forms, different times and even in different affection; because love is meant to be different for every person. It makes people. . . Different too."

"Thank you," I said. "You might be a stranger or someone I know but. . . I appreciate it."

He didn't reply anymore. Naramdaman ko na lang ang pagbigat ng aking mga tulikap habang nilulumbay ng gabi.

Nagising ako nang maramdaman ang isang tao na kinakarga ako. I spotted the familiar bleached hair as I rested my head on his shoulders.

"Sino'ng naghatid sa kan'ya, Euan?"

"J-just someone. . ."

"Euan." Etienne snickered. "Sino nga? If something happened to Lavender. . ."

"I'm okay." I mumbled. Nagulat naman si Etienne sa akin.

"Nothing happened?"

"Hm. . .Etienne," I whispered his name as he carried me on his back.

"Yes? May nangyari ba?"

"I love you. . ." I sluggishly uttered. "Differently than before and I will continue to love you more differently."

I will love him the way that I know from now on. Loving him differently doesn't mean I don't love him. I don't always have to adhere to what others think; for as long as Etienne doesn't question my love, no one else matters.

𐂴 ৫ ⧉ꕤ

"4th Anniversary?" Snyder trailed on. "Wow, nagtagal kayo?"

"Gago ka ah." I laughed and showed him a necklace with Etienne's initial. "Nandito lang ako kasi papatulong sana ako sa birthday ni Etienne mamaya. Baka kasi bigla kang hindi pumunta. Alam mo naman na kakaunti lang ang kaibigan no'n."

"Even now in college?"

"Lalo ngayong college," I sighed. "I told him to at least have a few friends but he's always with me. Mas kilala pa nga siya ng department ko kumpara sa department ng computer science."

The years went by without even making me feel it was long. The years with Etienne made me feel that I should be with him for a longer time. He makes me feel that time itself doesn't exist, hindi ko namamalayan ang oras kapag kasama ko siya.

Nasa college na kami ngayon. Etienne and I still went to the University of Jeanne D'Arc because we were too lazy to take entrance exams for other universities. Huwag tularan! It was late when I realized that it was better to have a lot of options.

"Lavender —" Snyder was cut off by a series of doorbells. Agad naman siyang natigilan at namutla.

We were currently at his studio. Oftentimes, he doesn't let anyone come here. Maliban na lang kung kapamilya o kaibigan n'ya. Snyder is also elusive so that only entails a few people.

"Fuck," Snyder was ghostly paled.

"Bakit?"

Snyder whipped back his sight at me. "Can you hide behind the storage room?"

My forehead knotted. "What?"

"Please," Snyder pleaded. "Sandali lang ito."

I wasn't able to protest because Snyder shoved me inside the room where blank canvas were stored and I could even smell the faint scent of acrylic paints. Natigilan ako nang i-sarado n'ya ang pinto.

What the heck?!

Binuksan ko ito upang sumilip. Napalunok ako nang may nakita akong bulto ng isang tao.

I don't know if what happened before was real, I was drunk when I talked to him. Hindi ko nga alam kung totoong nangyari 'yon. This is the first time that I saw him again and I'm completely sober.

"I told you to at least let me know if you'll come." Snyder scowled at CL who had a box with him. It was even wrapped in gold.

"Ah, I'm sorry." CL apologized. "I did send a text but you probably didn't receive it. Hindi rin naman ako magtatagal."

"Why are you here anyway?"

"I can't come to Etienne's birthday so I should at least give him a gift."

"You've been sending him gifts every time. Alam mo naman na ayaw n'ya sa 'yo."

"But it doesn't mean that I shouldn't give him anything! Besides, the hatred isn't mutual."

Napa-buntonghininga si Snyder at sinapo ang kan'yang noo. "You're too good to be true. Ikaw nga talaga ang anghel sa mga Soteiro. You don't hate him for stealing your girl?"

"Lavender isn't my girl. Please don't say that, it kind of sounds like she's just a trophy when she's not. And Etienne didn't steal anything from me. . ." CL frowned and played with the ribbon of his gift.

Ah, CL really is the kindest. Hindi ko mapigilan ang ngumiti. I hope he finds someone who could make him happy. I am already happy with Etienne.

Sa sobrang care less ko ay nabuksan ko 'yonh pinto. Agad ko rin naman itong sinara ngunit nakuha nito ang atensyon ni CL na agad na sumilip kung ano ang mayroon sa storage room.

"CL, wait!" pigil ni Snyder. I could hear his big feetfalls. Mukhang tumakbo siya.

"Why? Is something inside the room? Or someone?" rinig kong tanong ni CL.

"Just. . ." Snyder trailed off.

Narinig ko ang pagpihit ni CL sa pinto at agad akong napapikit. It's not like it's a crime if he saw me. Pero ramdam ko ang kaba ni Snyder nang bumukas ang pinto.

"CL! Don't open it! May t-tao nga riyan. . ." Snyder yelled and eventually his voice got lower.

"Who?"

Snyder gulped. "Fubu ko lang."

Fuck?! Nawindang ako sa sinabi ni Snyder. Nanglaki ang mga mata ko at gusto ko siyang sugurin upang ipakaladkad sa tren. Bwisit siya!

"Ah. . ." CL withdrew his hands. "Oh, I forgot. You can't date someone you won't marry."

Bigla naman akong natigilan. I realized why Snyder covered it up with a fubu statement. It was because an Esmael can't date anyone they won't marry. It was their family tradition. Kaya naman kadalasan sa kanila ay may commitment issues, 'yon ang tsismis ni Euan sa akin noon.

"Y-yeah, kaya huwag mo sana siya guluhin. I don't want her face to get exposed. You know how strict my family is when it comes to traditions."

"Of course, of course! I understand. I'm sorry for making her uncomfortable. Aalis na rin ako. Iiwan ko na lang dito ang regalo ko." CL sounded shy. Mukhang nagulantang din sa isiniwalat ni Snyder.

Narinig ko ang hakbang nila palayo. I heard CL talking and it made me laugh. Napahawak ako sa bibig ko upang pigilan ito.

"Please practice safe sex, here's a few condoms —"

"Fuck, di ko kailangan n'yan!" Snyder groaned.

"But Snyder! If you don't use —"

"Just go, CL! Ibibigay ko na lang ang regalo mo. Please."

I could already visualize how flustered Snyder is right now. He never got a girlfriend. Pakiramdam ko ay sasabog na siya sa kahihiyan.

Lumabas na ako nang hindi ko na marinig ang boses ni CL. Bumungad sa akin ang namumulang Snyder Esmael na may hawak na maliit na box — condoms.

"Putangina," I laughed. "Snyder! Di kita tinatawanan—" I chuckled once again. "Masaya lang ako, for you! Binata ka na, wow!"

"Solstice!" he hissed. "Hindi ko 'to magagamit! And I doubt that it will fit me." he was blushing so hard. Nahihiya n'yang tinago 'yong condoms sa bulsa ng kan'yang apron.

"He's in the medical field. He probably got that for free." I said, chuckling. "Totropahin si CL for free contraceptives."

"Solstice," nahihiyang pigil ni Snyder.

"Bakit mo kasi ako tinago?"

Snyder sighed. "Wala, it was just a reflex. I just don't want Etienne to assume that I let you meet CL."

"Wala namang mali roon. I don't have any feelings towards CL anymore. Apat na taon na kami ni Etienne," I said. Seryoso na ako at hindi na ako tumatawa. Even Snyder was doubting what I feel, huh?

"Sorry. . ." Snyder bit his lower lip. Nag-iwas siya ng tingin.

"It's okay. I get it, it is probably better that CL and I won't meet." Ngumiti ako sa kan'ya.

I spent a few time in his studio painting some of his blank canvas, however I don't think I have a talent when it comes to art. Umuwi ako sa condominium ni Etienne. I brought him a cake that I personally baked by watching tutorials.

"Hi," I kissed him on his cheeks when he opened the door for me. Magulo ang gray n'yang buhok at mukhang kagigising lang.

Pupungas-pungas n'yang sinilip ang hawak ko. Napangiti naman siya agad at kinuha ang box ng cake mula sa akin.

"Happy birthday, love! We'll have dinner later at nine with your family but for now, you're mine." sabi ko at hinalikan ang tuktok ng kan'yang ilong. Pumasok na ako ng condo n'ya matapos siyang batiin. My eyes roamed around and admired his interior design.

Minimalist lang ang disenyo ng kan'yang condo. What I like the most is his glass windows. Sa labas kasi ay hindi naman kita ang loob ng kwarto ni Etienne ngunit sa loob ay kitang-kita ang buong siyudad. The palette of his condo was black, white and gray.

Nilapag ko ang bag ko upang kumuha ng lighter sa kusina ni Etienne. I grabbed my phone in case someone called. Baka kasi may kinalaman ito sa surprise para kay Etienne.

"Lavy, dito ba natin kakainin 'yong cake?" Etienne asked from the living room.

"Yes! Hahanap lang ako ng lighter. Can you get the candles on my bag, please?" pasuyo ko kay Etienne.

My phone vibrated.

Agad ko naman tiningnan. Namutla ako nang mabasa ko ang nilalaman ng mensahe. Pakiramdam ko ay tinuyo lahat ng pawis ko.

Snyder:

I don't have a girlfriend. Sayang naman 'yong condoms. :( — S

So nilagay ko na lang sa bag mo!!! :D Enjoy Solstice! Ninong sana ako kapag may nabuo. — S

"Putangina," I cussed. Napalingon ako sa sala at agad na tumakbo patungo roon. Hindi ko naman namataan si Etienne kaya hindi ako mapakali. I looked for my bag and saw that it was opened.

Wala naman 'yong condom na sinasabi ni Snyder. I sighed in relief but it halted when I felt Etienne's hand on my arms.

He gently caressed it which made me feel hot all of the sudden. Naramdaman ko ang pagpatong n'ya ng kan'yang noo sa aking balikat. He kissed my shoulders as he proceeded to bite the strap of my dress to take it off.

"Lavy," he whispered huskily and I looked at him, almost breathless.

Namumungay ang kan'yang mga mata. "I appreciate the effort but. . ." his lips touched mine, hungrily taking over my own mouth. "It's the wrong size." he said in between his hungry kisses.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜

Happy Birthday, Etienne! ♡