Kabanata 21

Grade twelve came in a blink of an eye. I decided to cut my hair and let my natural slightly curvy hair let loose. It was now shoulder length, balak ko pa ngang magpakulay ng rainbow kaso hindi ako pinayagan.

"UJD pa rin ba tayo?" tanong ni Etienne habang nakapatong ang baba n'ya sa aking balikat. Nakakandong ako sa kan'ya habang may ginagawa siya sa kan'yang laptop.

"We can try the universities in Manila," I offered, yet he shrugged. Ah, ayaw n'ya. He probably didn't like the workload.

"I'll take BSN as a pre med course," sabi ko sa kan'ya. I know he's taking computer science so we'll have to part ways in college. Sa school na lang kami babawi.

He pursed his lips, saglit n'ya itong hinawakan. Binalik n'ya ang atensyon n'ya sa kan'yang laptop.

And I don't even know what he's trying to do, puro semicolon at numbers ang nababasa ko. There were a few letters but it was mostly just symbols. Hindi ko talaga alam kung paano n'ya nakakayanan ang mga ganitong klaseng hobby.

Hindi ba dapat masaya kapag hobby lang? Bakit parang ang sakit naman sa ulo ng hobby ni Etienne?

"You wanna migrate?"

"Hm, ikaw ba?" he asked, feeling drowsy. May suot-suot pa siyang anti-radiation na salamin sa mata.

"I'm already okay here," I fixed his glasses, nalalaglag na kasi dahil nga pupungas-pungas na siya. Ayaw pa kasi matulog, ano'ng oras na kaya.

"Lavy plus u," he kissed me on my cheek. Nangingiti siya at agad naman kumunot ang noo ko sa kan'ya. I am not that showy and Etienne acting like this makes me feel sort of funny.

"Pakyu?"

He pouted. "Lavyu 'yon."

"Ah, akala ko pakyu."

"Puro naman fuck nasa utak mo, bata pa nga tayo." He frowned at me, a teasing smile forming in his lips. Agad namang nalaglag ang panga ko sa sinabi n'ya.

"Huy! Hindi gano'n!" I said, namumula na sa kahihiyan. Etienne place his head on the nook of my neck.

"Thank you. . ." Etienne whispered. "I didn't know this day would come sooner, you in my arms, you saying those words for me." He caressed my cheeks by brushing his own cheeks on me. "Lavy, I'm scared that one day you'll wake up that you don't love me anymore."

"That won't happen. . ."

"It happens often, Lavy. And you know why it hurts the most? Because we deny the existence of the idea that falling out of love is inevitable."

"So, you're saying you'll fall out of love too?"

"Yes," seryosong sabi n'ya. "I'll fall out of love because I'll choose to love you more deeply each time the love I have for you diminished. No love stays the same because it eithers gets burned out or it will burn more passionately. . ." His kisses trailed on my shoulders.

The idea of falling out of love made my insides feel knotted tight strings, it somehow left a trail of doubt because I know that my love for him wasn't as deep as his love for me. I was still navigating my feelings for him.

May kumatok sa kwarto ko kaya naman napaigtad kami. Etienne looked at the door blankly, inayos n'ya ang kan'yang salamin at hinilot ang kan'yang batok. Nangalay siguro siya dahil sa posisyon namin kanina.

I went towards the door and asked who it was. "Yes?"

Bumungad sa akin si Mareena na medyo nagulat kay Etienne. She smiled at him and Etienne returned it. Medyo nahiya si Mareena at muling binalik ang tingin sa akin.

"Tawag ka ni Mommy, Ate Solstice."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Bakit daw?"

"May bisita tayo," she simply said. Tumango naman ako.

"I'll go downstairs, magbibihis lang ako." I said, I was wearing pajamas. Maaga kasi ako binisita ni Etienne dahil dinalhan n'ya ako ng breakfast na luto n'ya. It was very thoughtful.

"Magbibihis ako," I told Etienne. He only craned his neck.

"Papanoorin ba kita?"

I blushed. "No! I mean, lumabas ka."

Etienne chuckled. "You have your own bathroom, Lavy. P'wede ka naman magdamit doon."

Mas lalo ako'ng namula. Nga naman! Padabog ako'ng pumasok ng banyo. I took a quick shower and decided to put a modest look, a white shirt and some beige knee shorts. I was looking for some face powder in the compartment when Etienne grabbed my towel.

He dried my hair for me. Ginamit n'ya 'yong tuwalya upang punasan ang basa ko pang buhok.

"Magkakasakit ka kapag hinayaan mong matuyo 'yong tubig sa likod mo," he said. Hindi ko kasi napatuyo nang maayos ang buhok ko kaya naman kahit ang likod ko ay basang-basa. Nagmamadali na ako dahil si Dayanara ang naghihintay sa baba. Aba malay ko ba? Mamaya ay may gawin na naman 'yon.

"Sino ang inalagaan mo nang ganito noon?" My eyes turned to slits. Etienned widened his eyes in confusion.

"Ha?"

I scoffed. "Sino pinapatuyo mo rin ang buhok?"

"Ikaw lang?" nagtatakang balik n'ya sa akin. Umirap naman ako at hinayaan siyang gawin ang ginagawa n'ya.

"Bihasang-bihasa ah," I pointed out. "Sino 'yong kasabay mong maligo kaya pinapatuyo mo rin ang buhok?" I teased, obviously making it sound like I was jealous.

"Lavender!" Etienne grunted out. "Wala ako'ng kasabay maligo. I have always just imagined it."

My brow slightly lifted. "Na may pinapatuyo kang buhok?"

"Na sabay tayong maligo." He winked and held my hand as we walked downstairs.

Namutla naman ako sa sinabi n'ya. Imbis na kiligin ay kinabahan ako. Hindi ko kasi alam kung seryoso siya! Hindi pa ako ready sa mga rated 18 na pangyayari. Gago ba siya?

"Solstice," Dayanara acknowledged me when we arrived in the receiving area, Mareena wasn't there. Kita ko ang gulat n'ya sa mga mata n'ya nang makita ang kamay ni Etienne sa akin.

I saw disgust quickly passing through her eyes before she masked it with a smile.

"Hello, Etienne."

"Hello," Etienne greeted back, gracing the hall with a stoic expression.

"Dito ka rin ba kakain?" Dayanara asked. "Ipaghahanda ko kayo."

"Kakakain ko lang," I said.

"Kinain ko —" Etienne chuckled for a bit. "I'm sorry, what I meant was I ate Solstice's leftovers. Busog pa ako."

I saw a girl on the french sofa, naka-dekwatro ito at nakatingin sa akin. My brows furrowed but I eventually realized who it was. Ah, it was that girl. The girl smiled at me. It was Tatiana, if I recall. Malawak ang ngiti n'ya sa akin, she wanted to approach me but it looked like she was cautious of Dayanara. Pakiramdam ko ay hawak siya nito sa leeg.

"Siya pala 'yong bisita," I shrugged off.

"Hello po," she greeted. I wanted to greet back but Dayanara faked a cough.

"I have a favor to ask, Solstice."

Nangunot ang noo ko sa kan'ya. Ano naman 'yon? She rarely asks for favors because for one, we're not that close. At isa pa, kinalimutan na n'ya ako magmula nang dumating si Mareena.

"Can you help Tatiana get to know Adren more?" Dayanara smiled.

Nalaglag naman ang panga ko roon. I clenched my jaw, tiningnan ko siya nang diretso. I was contemplating if I should even answer back.

Adren isn't even talking to me that much. Madalas ay kinukulong n'on ang sarili dahil sa lungkot tapos ganito pa ang makakarating sa kan'ya?

I don't know how to ease his pain but I don't want to add in it too. Hirap na nga 'yong taong maka-move on, ipipilit pa sa kan'ya ang ibang tao.

"I don't know," I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't think Adren is interested."

Bahagyang napanguso si Tatiana, disappointment appeared on her face.

"Of course he is," Dayanara insisted. "I know Adren would like someone to take care of him."

"That person is gone," I stated. "Walang makakapalit sa kan'ya. Siya lang naman ang gusto ni Adren na mag-alaga sa kan'ya. No one else will come close to her."

"Well! He needs someone to make him feel a bit better," ani Dayanara.

I scoffed. "Yes, but he needs space and not someone who would take advantage of his sadness."

Dayanara frowned. "You're acting selfish, Solstice."

Nagulat ako sa bahagyang pagbago ng tono ni Dayanara. Somehow, it reminded me of the whips and how she treated me when I was still a kid. Nanlamig ako kaya naman pinisil ni Etienne ang kamay ko.

"You can always ask Adren, Mom." I emphasized her role that she can't responsibly do.

Tatiana's eyes went misty. Mukhang paiyak na siya. I feel bad however she has to let go of Kuya. She deserves better than to chase over men who do not want her. Kapag hindi pinaramdam sa kan'ya na wala siyang pag-asa, she might even do things that can harm her and other people. Desperate people can do things at great lengths to achieve their goals.

I know because I've been there. I compromised a lot by staying here because I want to finish my studies to at least be stable enough on my own. I acknowledge that as of now, I still can't support myself. Kailangan ko pa ang mga Reverio.

"Solstice, we'll talk later." Dayanara said. Doon pa lang ay alam ko na ang mangyayari.

Etienne was reluctant to go but I told him that it was all fine. I don't want Dayanara to do something to him. Alam ko naman na makapangyarihan din ang mga Soteiro, they can bury an issue like it never happened. However, Dayanara was also as sneaky as a snake.

Naramdaman ko ang mainit n'yang palad sa aking pisngi. I didn't flinched which made her boiled more. Mas lalong nanglisik ang mga mata n'ya dahil sa reaksyon ko.

"How dare you make me look like I'm nothing! It is just a simple task, Solstice! How dare you!" She slapped me once again.

"Wala na ang babae na linta kay Adren! Tatiana is a better match! Alfos will like her —"

"Tatiana is a better match because she's submissive," I snorted, pinahid ang aking pisngi na para bang nadumihan ito. "Why the hell are you clinging to Alfos like that? Bakit lahat ng desisyon mo ay naka-base sa kan'ya?! You're a grown ass woman!"

"Solstice!"

"It's Lavender! Patay na si Solstice! You killed her because the men in this house didn't like her! Do you see how stupid that is?! Don't you see that you're slowly destroying yourself over a man?" I screamed, finally letting everything. "It's not even worth it!'"

"Bata ka pa," Dayanara closed her eyes, trying to calm down. Kita ko ang pagtaas at pagbaba ng kan'yang dibdib. "K-kahit ayaw mo, balang araw ay maiintindihan mo na hindi gano'n kadali ang kumawala. . ."

"Because you don't even try," nanghihinang saad ko. "Solstice wasn't even your daughter. She was my sister. At hinayaan mong mamatay ang mama ko."

I know Etienne is probably hiding my mother from Dayanara so I had to lie. Nakita ko naman ang pagsisisi sa mga mata ni Dayanara. She quickly masked it with anger playing in her eyes.

"I did it because I wanted to stay relevant to Alfos. If your mother was here. . ." Dayanara swallowed hard. "I'm nothing and I'm no one."

"You're Dayanara, you can be someone without Alfos." I said. Dayanara grounded her teeth.

"You say that but you're clinging to Etienne Soteiro." Dayanara grinned like I was a hypocrite. "Malandi ka rin tulad ng nanay mo."

I flinched. Tinitigan ko siya nang matagal. She doesn't even look sorry and even proud that she hurted me by bringing up my mother.

"Malandi man ako, dahil 'yon sa maganda ako," panangga ko. "Nilalandi ko man si Etienne dahil mahal ko siya. Unlike you, who made Alfos your fucking personal trait. Wala ka kung wala si Alfos, I can still be Lavender without Etienne."

"You won't even have the guts to answer back without Etienne," she stated grimly before leaving me alone in my own room. "Enjoy it while it lasts, Lavender. Soon, you'll realize that I was right all along."

Marahas n'yang sinara ang pinto ng kwarto ko. I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration.

Napa-buntonghininga naman ako. I wanted to get mad at her but I understand that she needs help. A real help. Alfos isn't good for her. Anais is even better than her because at least Anais can leave without Alfos. Dayanara revolves her entire world on Alfos.

Tinawagan ko si Etienne.

"You okay?" bungad n'ya nang masagot ang tawag. "Lavyu."

I laughed. "Mas malakas kaya ako sumampal, di ko lang pinatulan. Ako lang 'to, ganda lang."

"Sinampal ka n'ya?" Etienne sounded mad, I can hear the clicking on his keyboard. He was busy, huh?

"Pabayaan mo na," I shrugged off and decided to make sure that he won't do anything to Dayanara. "Lavyu 'too. Huwag mo na pansinin. Wala sa akin 'yon."

"Do you think it's corny?" Etienne asked, in a childish tone. "Pinagisipan ko 'yon. I wanted you to be the definition of love for me."

"Oo, corny talaga." I laughed in the call. "Papalit na nga ako ng boyfriend e."

"No fair, you know that I'm the best boyfriend you'll ever have."

I can imagine him pouting, lalo ako'ng napangisi. Tumikhim ako, to divert the topic. "Etienne, remember the time. . . I disappointed you?"

"You never did."

"Liar," I scolded him, hindi naman siya nakasagot. "Your figure skating program. I wasn't able to attend that."

"That was years ago," Etienne said. "I don't even skate anymore."

"Date tayo sa Sunday?"

"Eh? Okay!" agap n'ya na parang batang niyaya mamasyal. How cute.

Kumunot ang noo ko at umupo sa aking kama, tumalbog pa nga ako dahil sa mabilis kong pag-upo. "Hindi ka ba busy?"

"Never," seryosong saad n'ya sa kabilang linya. "Saan tayo, though?"

"Hm, I picked the place. No worries, ako na ang bahala. Just set your alarm for eight in the morning."

"Ang aga?" he gasped.

"Ayaw mo?"

"May sinabi ba ako?" sagot n'ya. "See you, love you."

"Hm, see you. Eight in the morning." I answered back. Binaba ko na ang tawag at tiningnan ang schedule ko.

Napahiga ako, I scrolled across my calendar in my phone. The skating rink opens in seven in the morning and I already reserved it for us. That's nice. Napangiti naman ako dahil sa wakas ay makakabawi na ako sa kan'ya. Etienne deserves better, that's right. Mabuti na lang, I'm the best.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜