Kabanata 19

If you'll ask me what I learn about school during grade eleven, I'll probably answer that time is fleeting because you're lazy. Para ka tuloy ginagahol ka sa oras pero ang totoo ay tinamad ka lang talaga magsimula nang maaga.

"Ang dami ko pang hahabulin," I gulped upon seeing my tasks. Bukod kasi sa nakakabobo 'yong nga subjects namin, hindi naman talaga ako naging mabilis sa solving lalo na sa Calculus.

Akala ko pa naman ay tapos na ang delubyo namin sa Calculus. I barely survived Pre-Cal during the first semester. Tapos ngayon ay panibagong Calculus na naman ang naging problema ko. Basic Calculus! Basic daw? Basic i-bagsak kamo.

"Bwisit talaga, hindi ko naman magagamit sa reseta ko 'yong numero at letra na 'yan!" I frustratedly crumbled my paper.

Naiiyak na ako kasi bakit ba ang hardcore ng mga math subjects namin?! Kapag ba naningil ako dapat may f(x) din?!

Pakiramdam ko itong Calculus pa ang magdudulot ng sakit sa amin e. Imbis na maging doktora ako baka ako pa ang maging pasyente!

Bumuntonghininga ako at nagsimulang mag-solve na lamang dahil kakaunti na lang ang natitira na oras para sa acitivity na ito. I know that we will have a lot of math subjects since it is our specialized however my future career isn't heavily involved with mathematics. Parang binibiyak na ang ulo ko sa sobrang daming formula na pinagkakasya ko.

"Kaya lang naman ako nag-STEM kasi gusto ko mag-asawa ng engineer," Cecilla cried out. Isa sa mga kaklase ko. I laughed at her. Alam ko naman na biro lang 'yon.

Bukod pa sa mga subjects namin na kulang na lang tatakan na kami ng 'Rest in Peace' sa noo, may mga performance tasks pa kami sa core subjects na kailangan ng kapal ng mukha. At kung minsan ay tulala na lang talaga ako'ng pumapasok dahil sa taas ng expectations ng mga guro sa amin.

"Kaya n'yo 'yan. Ginusto n'yo 'yan e. Nag-STEM kayo, pinili n'yo 'yan kaya panagutan n'yo," biro ng guro namin sa Basic Cal na siya lang ang naka-appreciate.

I craned my neck to massage it. Ngalay na ito dahil sa sobrang pudpod ko sa papel ko.

STEM kasi kami, matalino dapat kami. I cringed at that statement. That's how people often see our strand. Porke't ba STEM, bawal na maging bobo kung nakakabobo naman talaga 'yong mga subjects?

I don't stress myself about it that much, though. Alam ko naman na kahit mataas o mababa ang resulta ng mga grades ko, si Adren lang naman ang binabantayan nila. They don't see me as a threat to their throne. Si Mareena pa nga ang pinababantayan ni Lolo. I was an outsider for the Reverios. I wasn't worth it.

I thought that they didn't notice me. Akala ko noon ay kinalimutan na nila ako. Hanggang sa dumating ang buwan ng disyembre.

"We'll be attending Etienne's birthday," Dayanara told me. Kapapasok ko pa lang ng mansion no'n nang maabutan ko siyang naka-ayos para yata sa kaarawan ni Etienne.

She was wearing an elegant dress. Halata na ginagaya n'ya ang pananamit ni Anais noon. I heard Tita Anais was a socialite before, baka siguro ay gusto rin ni Dayanara na sumunod.

The pressure of replacing Anais Reverio in the world of socialites is what keeps her busy these days. May pakiramdam ako na nirereto na n'ya si Mareena na kaibiganin ang ilan sa mga anak ng iba pang kilalang mayayaman sa bansa.

"I'll get dressed," paalam ko.

Dayanara fixed her diamond earrings while facing the wide mirror in our receiving area. "Dalian mo, huwag mo kami paghintayin. Your Dad will be there and also your brother. Make yourself useful, Solstice. Use that face of yours to gain connections for the Reverios."

Tumango lang ako at pumanhik na patungo sa aking kwarto. I closed and locked the doorknob after reaching my room. Umirap ako habang unti-unting hinuhubad ang aking uniform.

Connections, huh? They want to use me to form connections to other people? Napangiwi ako. I couldn't do that. Ayoko rin talaga mapalapit sa ibang kaibigan ng mga Reverio.

I texted Etienne after removing my blouse.

Lavy:

Hapibidet. MBTC.

Etienne:

Ge. Huwag ka kakain sa birthday ko.

Lavy:

Talaga ba. Magu-uwi na lang ako ng handa mo.

Etienne:

I-uwi mo na rin ako. ☺

Lavy:

Bakit nakakain ka ba

Etienne:

Depende :)

My cheeks flushed and went crimson because I felt like it sounded wrong in my mind.

I didn't forget about his birthday. It was December 8 — the day Tita Ellise brought Etienne to their lives. Isa siyang miracle baby kaya naman laking tuwa ni Tita Ellise na biniyayaan siya ng isang anak kahit nagkaroon ng kaunting problema dahil sa kondisyon n'ya.

I opted to settle with a backless black french niche dress and I tied my hair in a bun. Hindi ko rin nakalimutan na magsuot ng mga pearls dahil nga roon din ako kilala.

Dayanara and I arrived there without the others. Nauna na yata si Mareena at Kuya Adren dahil sinabay sila ni Alfos. I couldn't see any sight of them though. Lalo na si Kuya Adren — he's very distant these days. Hindi ko na siya nakausap tungkol kay Arrisea. And I don't know how confront Etienne about it.

May lumapit sa akin at hinila ang strap ng damit ko. Pumitik ito kaya naman napapitlag ako nang wala sa oras. Nilingon ko kung sino ito at nakita si Euan. He was grinning at me.

"Ikaw ba ang birthday gift ni Etienne? Bakit ka naka-backless?"

"Maganda kasi ako," I dismissed him.

He nodded. "Ditto."

"Nakita mo na ba si Etienne?" tanong ko.

Umiling si Euan. "No. Baka kasama ni Tita Ellise, you know how these events are important for her."

Napalingon na lamang ako sa dako ng iba pang mga Soteiro. I don't know why but I haven't seen CL ever since that incident happened. Alam kong pumunta sila ng London pero hanggang ngayon ay wala pa rin kaming komunikasyon.

Do I still like him? I don't know. What I know right now is I want to focus on Etienne. I want to fix our relationship. Bigla ako'ng natigilan. I don't even see it as mere friendship anymore. Maybe the time that we weren't together made me realize how important he is to me. This is probably the truth that in the absence of a person, we find their worth.

Nanglaki ang mga mata ko nang makita si Etienne na malapit sa mga kapamilya n'ya. They were greeting him however his sight was on me.

I gave him a short wave but he only shrugged off and subtly pointed towards the balcony. Pakiramdam ko ay gusto n'ya akong makausap doon.

"Euan, aalis muna ako." I tapped him on his shoulder. Agad naman nag-angat ng kilay sa akin si Euan ngunit tumango.

I went towards the balcony. Mala-palasyo ang naging venue ng birthday ni Etienne at halata na hindi mura ang naging mga bayarin nila. Hindi rin naman problema ang pera sa mga Soteiro lalo na siguro para kay Tita Ellise na iisa lang naman ang anak.

"Ano'ng regalo mo sa akin?"

Etienne announced his presence by poking my cheeks. Agad ko namang winaksi ang kan'yang kamay. My heart jolted when his mere touch brought electricity to me.

Kumunot ang noo ko sa kan'ya. "Wala. Mayaman ka naman na e." I joked but he only pursed his lips.

"Wala talaga?"

"Mayroon pero hindi ko pa mabibigay sa 'yo ngayong gabi," I smiled at him. "Pero isa na siguro ito sa mga regalo ko sa 'yo. . ."

I took a deep breath and faced him. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa ihip ng hangin pero naninikip ang lalamunan ko. I wanted to at least clear my conscience.

"Sorry, Etienne." I said with utmost sincerity.

I saw how his shoulders squared and his eyes widened. Hindi inaasahan ang lumabas sa bibig ko. His grey eyes even flickered for a short period of time.

Tiningnan ko siya nang diretso sa kan'yang mga mata. "I know that you might think I'm not sincere about it. Alam ko naman na kulang ang sorry para sa mga nasabi ko noon. I just thought that maybe. . ." I swallowed the lump on my throat, emotions were rising in my heart.

"I'm sorry." I said without any reasons anymore. There are apologies that you don't need to say the reason why you're apologizing. You just know that you have hurted someone or you did something so wrong that apologizing is the only thing you could think of.

"I. . ." Etienne was caught offguard. Kita ko rin na nabigla siya sa paghingi ko ng tawad.

"I'm sorry for choosing CL every time that you needed me. I'm sorry for being a bad friend. I'm sorry I lied about my whole identity. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, I'm sorry —"

Etienne held my hand. His fingers gradually calming my nerves I recite my apologies. Umiling ako sa kan'ya. Hindi pa ako tapos dahil marami pa ako'ng dapat ihingi ng paumanhin sa kan'ya.

"It's okay," Etienne murmured, so low that it even sounded inaudible. "I understand."

I stiffened and looked at him. Walang bahid ng pagsisinungaling sa kan'yang mukha. He even looked concern for me. His eyes softened and he immediately diverted his eyes.

"W-why?" I asked, my throat constricting. "Bakit gan'yan ang tugon mo?"

I was expecting him to yell at me that my apology was long overdue. I was expecting him to smugly tell me that I was wrong all along. I thought Etienne would even refuse to accept my apology.

But he even looked grateful.

Tangina naman e.

Mas lalo ako'ng kinakain ng guilt dahil hindi man lang n'yang nagawang magalit sa akin. I did nothing to protect him and I even told him awful things but he's still concern about me.

"I don't know," anas n'ya. "I never really wanted your apology, Lavy. But thank you."

"I hurted you. . ."

He only smiled. And for the first time since we drifted from each other, I saw my childhood friend in him. I saw my Etienne.

"I choose to love you, Lavy. And it means I choose to get hurt by you. So, it's okay. You don't need to say sorry for the choices that I made. It's not your fault."

"You told me that you wanted to hurt me. . ." paalala ko sa kan'ya. "Pero wala kang ginawang masama sa akin."

Etienne lowered his gaze and he played with my fingers just like a child would do if they wanted to avoid scolding.

"People always see me as someone who doesn't impose any threat. I feel like if I made people think that I could do bad things, they wouldn't do bad things to me. I won't be seen as a weaker person that they could vent on."

Naluha naman ako dahil doon. My tears kept streaming down my face and I was glad I didn't use any mascara because I'll look like a wreck.

He was abused at a young age. He thinks people would hurt him if he shows that they are capable of hurting him.

"Is that why you never let your guard down?"

"I can help people without them thinking that I'm a good person, Lavy. I don't wanna be labeled as good if it means people will abuse it. Mas okay na sa akin na masama ako sa paningin nila."

My heart felt like it was shot with multitudes of pain. Isa ako sa mga 'yon. I took advantage of his kindness before.

"Is that why you told Arrisea that I was in love with Adren? In order to make a reason for you to help them?"

Alam ko na binabantayan ni Dayanara si Arrisea. Etienne was probably afraid that Dayanara will do something to her because she's not part of the plan. Halata naman na iba ang gusto ni Dayanara na maging kasama sa mga Reverio. It was that Tatiana, madalas pa nga n'ya ito kasama.

Etienne shrugged off. "Yeah. I didn't want them to know that I was helping them. It's not their right time yet. Maraming masasagasaan sa pagmamahalan nila. And if their love is indeed true, it will only be stronger as time passes by."

"Love guru ka na ah," I wiped my tears away and Etienne chuckled. How I missed hearing a genuine laughter from him.

"Not really, I just know. . ." Etienne blushed despite the fading lights here in the balcony, I saw how his cheeks glowed for a bit. "Love doesn't have a timeframe. It can last for as short as a minute, for as long as a lifetime. It can happen in an instant, it can also take a long time. . ."

Muling namilog ang mga luhang gumugulong sa aking pisngi. "I'm sorry, Etienne."

"It's my birthday. . ." Etienne looked at me with sullen eyes. "And all I ever wanted for my day was for you to be happy. When I learned about what you went through, I just wanted to find your true mother. I didn't care about the consequences, maybe because I was young or maybe because it's for you."

Etienne placed his forehead on mine. I closed my eyes and felt his heart beating rapidly. Lumingkis ang kan'yang mga kamay sa aking baywang.

"You knew that I wasn't Solstice?" nanghihinang tanong ko. Our conversation just confirmed that he does know something. May alam siya tungkol sa tunay kong pagkatao.

"Solstice was meek, Lavy. You on the other hand, you were brazen than the boys when we were kids." Etienne laughed. "Sol won't even have the guts to yell but you were always yelling, kahit may sasabihin ka lang naman."

"And you still loved me? Kahit nagsinungaling a-ako?"

"I never loved you," Etienne frowned at me and put some falling strands on my hair away from my face. "I still love you, Lavy. It was never loved, it never went past tense."

"Happy birthday," I smiled at him while crying.

"Sabi mo nililigawan mo ako 'di ba. . ." Etienne pouted and hugged me, placing his face on my neck.

"Uy! Di pa ready, wala pa ako'ng plano!" I panicked because we were in the balcony. "Hindi pa ako marunong mag-harana!"

Etienne chuckled in my neck. I could feel his warm breath. lalong humigpit ang hawak n'ya sa akin. It was as if he finally found a place of solace.

"Sinasagot na kita," mahinang saad n'ya. I stiffened while processing what he just said.

"Sinasagot na kita, Lavy."

❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜