Kabanata 17

I wouldn't be this calm if my mother really died. Ang pinaniniwalaan kong katotohanan ay hindi pa isang kasiguraduhan. There's this possibility that my mother is somewhere out there, living a peaceful life without Ernesto and the constant watching of the Reverios.

Nakahiga ako ngayon sa aking kama. I buried my face on my pillow as I exhaled. I tried to remember the solid and vivid details of what transpired during that horrible day. Kung paano itinanggi ko si Etienne. How awful he must have felt when I told him how disgusting it is to be involved with someone who possibly abused him.

"Lavy," Etienne sobbed, slowly trying to enclose the remaining distance between the both of us. "I c-can explain. . . Pakinggan m-mo naman ako."

The whole class motionlessly watched our conversation as if we're puppets being shown infront of them for a show. Etienne bit his lower lip and the side of his eyes is slowly being colored in crimson. Halata na nagpipigil siya ng paghagulgol.

My heart froze at that sight. Agad ako'ng umiling. No! I won't feel pity for him! Lalo na't kakampi n'ya si Dayanara sa pagpatay sa mama ko! Parang laruan lang sa kanila ang buhay ng tao. They could easily dispose people as if they're not living beings!

My nails tightly dug to my palms. Pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko na masaktan siya. Alam ko na masakit na ito para sa kan'ya at hindi rin talaga dapat ginagawang pisikalan ang mga away na ganito. Yet, I feel so betrayed. Ni hindi ko nga magawang tumingin sa kan'ya nang matagal dahil sa nalaman ko.

He was the remaining source of my hope. At isa pa pala siya sa mga mangi-iwan sa akin. Isa pa pala siya sa may pakana. I even wanted to let Etienne meet my mother. Balak ko pa nga silang ipakilala sa isa't isa. Pero paano na 'yon?

"Di ka ba nandidiri sa sarili mo, Etienne?" I asked him, grimacing in the process. Winaksi ko ang kamay n'yang papalapit sa akin.

He recoiled like a child being scolded by his parents. Pain crossed his eyes as the words slipped out of my mouth.

"I'm s-sorry. . ." His voice croaked and he bowed his head, avoiding my fiery gaze. "L-lavy, I'm sorry."

Namumuo ang mga luha sa kan'yang mga mata.

"Huwag mo ako'ng matawag-tawag na Lavy!" I screamed at him, my throat hurting because of the sudden high-pitched voice that came out from my mouth. "Sino ka para tawagin ako nang gano'n?!"

"Akala ko mag-kaibigan ang dalawang 'yan?"

"I even assumed that they're dating!"

"Nakakadiri naman kasi talaga."

Pahapyaw na pasaring ng mga kaklase namin. Napatili sila nang itumba ko ang mga upuan na nasa paligid ko. My heart was slamming against my ribs because of anger. I wanted to knock the chairs out, I wanted to vent my anger to the immobile things and I wanted them to know much I was hurting that Etienne was going through this for what?! Para matulungan siya nitong masaktan ang mama ko?!

"Lavy, p'wede bang mag-usap muna tayo?" He sobbed. "Please? You're hurting your hands. . ."

Napatingin ako sa aking mga kamay. He noticed that my hands were turning red because of the force that I was trying to put on the chairs. Namamaga na ang mga ito. I clenched it to subdue the color. Mas mahalaga pa talaga ang kamay ko kaysa sa mismong sitwasyon n'ya ngayon?! I scoffed and my eyes darted at him. Akala ba n'ya ay madadaan ako sa awa? Hindi nga siya naawa sa mama ko na nananahimik lang!

I thought he was my friend. He was the only friend that I had. Hindi ko na rin tuloy mapigilan ang umiyak dahil sa dalamhating nararamdaman ngayon. Does he already know? Gumaganti ba siya sa akin dahil hindi ako si Solstice? Hindi ko naman ginustong maging si Solstice! I just wanted to escape that damned life. Kahit nga simpling pamumuhay ay papatusin ko dahil ang gusto ko lang naman ay makawala sa hirap at kay Ernesto.

He didn't have to get rid of my mother. Ibabalik ko naman talaga ang buhay ni Solstice kapag nahanap ko na si mama. Sino ba naman ang gustong makasama ang mga Reverio? They don't know how awful and rotten that family is! Lalo na kapag babae ka. Lalo na kung ang tingin nila sa 'yo ay isang manika at hindi tao. They treat me as a replacement because I'm indeed just a replacement for someone who's already dead!

"Lavy," Etienne wiped his own tears, hindi na rin n'ya mapigilan ang hikbi. "Hindi ko alam ang sinasabi mo. But I know where. . ." He bit his lower lip and looked away. "Mag-usap na lang tayo na tayong dalawa lang, please?"

"Hinding-hindi na ako maniniwala sa 'yo. Sa galing mong magpaikot, sa tingin mo may tao pang maniniwala sa mga sinasabi mo? Baka nga ang totoo ay —"

"Solstice," Mareena called for my attention. Pupungas-pungas ako'ng bumangon mula sa tulog upang lumingon sa kan'ya. Mareena was shaking me and now she recoiled because of my sudden movement.

"I thought you're having a nightmare," aniya. Ang kan'yang kamay ay nasa kan'yang dibdib, I probably made her worry. Ngumiti lang ako sa kan'ya at hinawakan siya sa kan'yang pisngi.

"Sorry, I just had a bad dream." I sighed. Bumaling ako sa bintana upang panoorin ang pag-angat ng araw. The sun was slowly showing its blaze.

"Hm? What bad dream?"

"I brought pain to someone who's dear to me in my dream," saad ko at umalis na sa aking kama. I was in my nightgown and the tip of my dress swayed as I picked my robe from the wall hanger.

"Buti na lang panaginip lang 'yon, Ate. I could never hurt someone who's dear to me! Hindi ko kaya makitang masaktan si papa, si mama, si kuya, si ate, si lolo. . ." Mareena enumerated as she happily hopped as she followed me.

I can't help but smile at her innocence. The world has a great way of hiding the ugly side to children. And when you're accustomed to the idea that the world is built in beauty and ideals — you catechize the ugly and cruel parts of it. You refuse to believe that things are not ugly for others, you tend to invalidate your pain because the world is a beautiful place to live in, and you blame yourself for being imperfect for this world.

Mareena smiled at me.

I hope she never loses that smile.

We had our typical routine for the morning. Agad din naman akong umalis para sa pasok ko pero napansin ko na naiilang si Dayanara kay Alfos kanina habang kumakain kami. Paulit-ulit kong iniisip ang kakaunting paguusap sila at hindi talaga maintindihan kung paano nila nagustuhan ang isa't isa.

Love probably works in its own way.

"Solstice, ang laki ng hinaharap mo." Sharlene pointed out as I changed my clothes in the locker room. Hindi kasi p'wedeng naka-PE kami sa naunang subject namin bago ang mismong PE. Ang hassle tuloy dahil kailangan pa namin magpalit!

"Thanks?" I shrugged off as my head came out after pushing the shirt down. Agad ako'ng namula dahil sa puri n'ya o kung puri man 'yon. I was petite but my chest is a bit bigger compared to my classmates. An ideal body, they say. I rolled my eyes.

Ang hirap kaya tumakbo! Ang hirap din mamili ng damit! Ang hirap din mag-jumping jacks! I hate physical education because of those following reasons. Nahihirapan ako gumalaw dahil sa dibdib ko! Ano'ng blessing dito?!

Lumabas na kami ng locker rooms at agad ako'ng na-conscious dahil nakatingin sa akin ang mga kaklase kong lalaki. The way their eyes glued to the middle part of my body made me feel like shit. Naka-PE shirt naman ako tulad ng iba pero hindi nila tinatantanan ng tingin ang katawan ko.

And there are still people who blame girls for what they wear. Hindi naman fitted ang damit ko at kahit pa fitted ito, I don't see the reason why they should look at me lewdly. Nagtago ako sa puno ng mangga upang mapunta sa silong at hindi masyado mapansin.

I hate how a girl should always adjust when it comes to situations like this one. Ikaw na nga ang minamanyak, ikaw pa ang may kasalanan.

"Hindi na naman sumama si Paulene?"

Bumaling ako sa dalawang babaing nakaupo rin sa bench sa ilalim ng puno na ito. They were also wearing their PE uniforms, sa likod ng mga ito ay may nakalagay na grade twelve. Ang isa ay nagpapaypay gamit ng kan'yang kamay samantalang nagpupunas ng pawis ang kasama n'ya.

"Kawalan ba siya? Feeling maganda, ampota. Itabi mo 'yon kay Mila, magmumukha lang siyang isda." Halakhak no'ng isang babae. Tinawanan siya ng kan'yang katabi.

"Ang harsh mo, Brit. Sabagay malansa naman 'yon si Paulene."

Nagpantig ang tainga ko sa narinig. Si Paulene? The name was common, alright. Subalit ang agad kong naisip ay ang Paulene ni Gio. That girl was actually nice. At alam ko naman na hindi siya magugustuhan ni Gio kung pangit ang ugali n'ya. Gio seems to be the type of guy who roots for the personality. Maraming magaganda ang nagkakagusto kay Gio pero madalas ang mga mata n'ya ay na kay Paulene. It's a miracle that no one suspects them yet — or maybe people just have their own prejudices when it comes to beauty.

"You should know that what you say about others does not reflect on them but it actually reflects more on you," pasaring ko sa kanila. Agad naman silang lumingon sa akin.

"Excuse me?" Napatayo 'yong Brit. Nag-taas naman ng kilay sa akin 'yong kasama n'ya.

"Hala, bakit may nagsasalitang masamang elemento?" I faked a gasp and smiled. "Na-offend ba kita? Tama, truth hurts."

"Inaano ka ba, ha?" aniya.

"Wala lang. Na-offend ako, ang offensive kasi ng buong pagkatao mo." Lumawak ang ngiti ko nang umawang ang bibig n'ya. She clenched her fists.

"Pabayaan mo na 'yan, Brit." awat sa kan'ya. Brit only glared at me before walking out with her friend. Pinanood ko lang silang umalis. I know they will speak ill of me behind my back. And do I care? No. Yet, they probably don't care about me too.

Baka nga hindi rin nila ako matandaan o natatandaan.

Nawala rin ang isip ko sa kanila dahil tinawag na ako para sa free throw. Basketball kasi ang tinuturo sa amin ngayon at ang bawat isa ay dapat maka-shoot sa ring o di kaya'y masubukan kung paano maglaro nito.

"Solstice, you have to jump to shoot the ball." Sir Tyler instructed, our PE teacher. Ngumuso naman ako habang hawak-hawak ang bola. I tried to shoot it but even if I was taller than some of the girls or boys in my class, hindi pumapasok sa ring ang bola ko.

"Ang bano naman n'yan, puro ganda lang. Boo! Huwag na 'yan paglaruin!" Etienne yelled in the bleachers. Napalingon ako sa kan'ya at agad na patagong pinakita ang middle finger ko.

"Nagagandahan ka lang sa akin e," I said as I dribbled the ball. I tried to shoot it but it didn't even reach the ring.

"Boo! Ganda lang! Bano! Huwag ka na mag-basketball! Mag-asawa ka na lang!" Etienne jested loudly. Napipikon na ako ha! Umirap ako sa kan'ya.

"Bakit ba kasi ayaw mo tumalon?" tanong ni Sir Tyler.

"I-zero n'yo na lang ako, Sir." I quietly said.

"Arte naman." pasaring ng kaklase ko na lalaki.

"Sayang naman," another guy commented. "Ang score. Sayang 'yong score."

I clenched my fists. Assholes.

Naging zero talaga ang score ko roon pero nakabawi naman ako sa ibang pinagawa kaya kahit papaano ay pasado pa rin. I went towards the locker rooms near the swimming pool. Nangliit ang mga mata ko dahil nawawala ang uniform ko. I tried searching for it in the locker room however it was futile. Wala talaga ako'ng mahagilap.

"Hala." I halted from going outside because I saw a girl's uniform in the end of the pool. Kumunot ang noo ko habang nilalapitan ito dahil sigurado ako'ng akin ito. Who would do this? Is it the two girls? Some boys in my class? Si Etienne?

No.

Etienne would not go this far.

Lumapit ako rito kahit palutang-lutang na ito sa pinakadulo ng pool. I bended my knees and reached for my uniform when I heard people giggling as someone pushed me to the pool.

Shit!

"Hoy —" I gasped for air. Marunong ako'ng lumangoy pero hindi pang 8th feet deep! I can't help but panic because I can't feel the ground and I can't touch anything. Tinatangay din ako ng tubig papalayo sa hawakan.

"Tulong!" I gurgled. I can't see anything! The water is gradually entering my ears and all I can hear is the splashes that I continuously make.

Nagulat ako dahil may tumalon para sagipin ako. I grabbed onto the person and he hugged me as he swam across the water. Hinila n'ya ako papalapit sa may semento upang maahon. I coughed some water as I inhaled for air. The person patted me on my back.

I couldn't see the person clearly.

Napahiga ako habang iniinda ang sakit ng katawan. The current of the water made me feel numb and I'm still searching for air.

"I can't kiss you without your permission but I don't know how to do CPR, Lavy." He sounded confuse. Narinig ko ang mahina n'yang mura. My eyes are still close so I can't see his face but his deep voice confirms that he's a guy.

"Bakit ang colorful ng. . ." nahihiyang sambit n'ya. "Hala, sorry. Hala, hala! Walang control z! Sorry, Lavy! Napapikit na ako! Tulog ka pa naman 'di ba?"

Who the fuck is this?

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