Kabanata 15

Etienne kept on insisting that he would hurt me back. He would like to see me suffer. And he wants to return all the ill feelings that he got from me.

Weh?

Pero di ko naman maramdaman.

Pakiramdam ko niloloko lang n'ya ang sarili n'ya. Feeling lang n'ya nasisira n'ya buhay ko, di n'ya alam ay naguguluhan lang ako sa mga kinikilos n'ya.

Etienne's not even the worst kind when it comes to bothering me. What he have done so far is only child's play.

Nagiging cute lang siya sa paningin ko. Parang batang nagpapapansin, ampota. Kiss ka ba ni Mama? Palitan na ba kita ng diapers? Gusto mo bang i-hele kita? I-breastfeed? I cringed.

Kaloka!

"'Yon na 'yon?" I snickered because Etienne tied my bag on my armchair. Isip bata! Ipulot ko kaya ito sa kan'ya?!

Naiwan tuloy ako sa klase hanggang hapon dahil sa buhol nito. Gusto ko nga sanang putulin na lang ang strap kaso wala rin akong gunting at dahil wala akong close sa mga kaklase ko ay walang sumama sa akin maiwan.

As I finished untying my bag. I sense someone approaching me. Nilingon ko naman agad ito.

"Sayang di ko nalagyan ng bato sa loob," Etienne smiled as he neared me. Tinawanan ko lang siya.

"Buhatin mo bag ko," marahas kong binato sa kan'ya ang bag. Sinalo naman ito ni Etienne.

"Excuse me?"

"You tied my bag because you want us to meet here, right? Late ka rin kasi uuwi dahil isa ka sa mga isasali para sa scimatech month."

He didn't respond. This guy, really, he's too obvious.

Alam kong mahirap basahin si Etienne subalit para sa akin ay madali lang ito. He says one thing but acts otherwise. Lalo na ngayon ay mas napapansin ko ito. Etienne frowned at me. Agad siyang bumuntonghininga at kinuha ang bag ko.

That's right.

I'm still incharge.

There's something about being in control that makes you feel euphoric and satisfied. Lalo na pagdating sa mga tao. When you have control over someone, it feels like they trust you. So much. That even if you betray them and make them feel worthless. . . They'll still come back to you and treat you like their home.

I don't know what to call that kind of loyalty besides being stupid, of course. Bakit ka babalik sa sinaktan ka na? Dinurog ka na? Nagawa kang talikuran?

Kasi mahal mo.

I swallowed hard. Guilt slowly engulfing my system. Kung mahal nga talaga ako ni Etienne at pinapahalagahan, why would he want to hurt me back? He fails terribly though. Mas nakikita ko pa ngang may pakialam pa siya kumpara sa gusto n'ya talagang iparating.

Bumaling ako ng tingin sa nakabusangot na Etienne habang hawak-hawak ang bag ko. My heart throbbed as I watched him carefully holding my bag. He still trusts me? Despite of what I did? Lalo ako'ng kinakain ng hiya dahil dito. I really want to fix what's remaining between the two of us.

"Etienne, I want to talk about us." walang paligoy-ligoy kong saad.

"Wala pang tayo," Etienne lazily smirked. "Ikaw naman ang advance mo. Dinala ko lang bag mo binigyan mo na agad ako ng label? Obsessed much, Lavy?"

"Sasapukin na kita," banta ko sa kan'ya. Lalo lang siyang natawa. Kumunot naman ang noo ko.

"Totoo nga, I want to say something. . ."

I want to apologize and clear my stand. Gusto ko lang naman masabi sa kan'ya na pinagsisisihan ko ang mga nasabi ko noon. He didn't deserve any of that. What happened to him. . . It was beyond awful and it was almost a torture. And I wasn't there to support him. I wasn't there for him during his darkest days.

Sorry.

Ang hirap-hirap bigkasin. Ang hirap pakawalan galing sa bibig. Ang pagpapalaya ng isang paghingi ng kapatawaran kung minsan ay may kapalit na pagsikip ng dibdib. It was wrong to feel this way.

My lips pressed tighter as Etienne craned his neck to me. May blangkong tingin para sa akin.

His eyes were filled with questions and it made his grey tinted sight turn to obscure lenses. Pakiramdam ko ay pilit n'yang tinatago ang tunay n'yang nararamdaman sa mga bagay-bagay. And I can't blame him for hiding what he really feel — not when I know why he would prefer it that way.

I wanted to say sorry. Simula pa lang ay 'yon na talaga ang gusto kong sabihin sa kan'ya.

Pero alam ko na kulang pa 'yon. Hindi 'yon sapat. Pawang salita lamang ito para sa kan'ya.

So, I didn't say it.

I didn't say sorry. It's not the right time yet.

Lavy:

Hello Etienne

WOW textmates na tayo 🥰😘

Unblock mo na ako sa socmeds.

Etienne:

twerk ka muna sa mukha ko 🥺🤲

Lavy:

Hahahahaha stop 🖐 putangina mo talaga 🥺🖕

Akala ko ba sasaktan mo ako
bakit parang kinikilig ka pa
sa presensya ko
grabe naman 'yan
so pretentious. 😔🖕

Etienne:

sino kaya itong nanghiram pa
ng class record para makita ang number ko 🥺 aw, Lavy.
effort mo naman.

Lavy:

Oh talaga ba 🥺🥺🥺
baka di ka makatulog kapag
nag-send ako ng picture ko
baka sambahin mo pa.

Etienne:

gawa??? sino tinakot mo 🤨

puro ka naman salita e.

wala ka naman sa gawa 'di ba 😙😙😙

My lips gradually parted as I jumble some words to respond to him. Napahilig ako sa upuan ko dahil sa sinabi n'ya.

Kailan pa ito natutong mamersonal?!

Yet, in the back of my mind, I was grateful that Etienne is talking to me once again. Pakiramdam ko ay kahit papaano ay nauupos ko ang init ng galit n'ya sa akin. Nasasarado ko ang malaking pagitan sa aming dalawa.

Not.

Lavender Soteiro

Ang pogi ni Etienne sana di n'ya ito mabasa. 😔🥺 #LavyOfficial #SiLavyIto #HindiHack
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|Etienne Soteiro hala, huwag po 😔😭 paano 'yan nabasa ko na. grabe ka na lavy. I'm shy ☹️

Lavender Soteiro
| WTF ETIENNE GAGO KA BA

Lavender Soteiro

Ang Soteiro ko ay si Etienne. Period. Locked. Sino ba si Euan at CL, di naman mga pogi. 🤮🤢🤒
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|Euan Soteiro
te wtf ???? pake ko sa yo????

|Snyder Esmael
yikes true colors are shining through.

Of course, my friends and even some of my relatives questioned why I was a Soteiro on my account. Kahit ang ilan sa mga kaklase ko na friend ko sa Facebook ay nagtanong kung bakit maging Soteiro ang apilyedo ko rito. May mga gumawa pa nga ng theory na baka raw na-arranged marriage kami.

Kinabahan ako dahil baka nabasa 'yon ni CL. Ang gago lang kasi ni Etienne, tinag pa talaga 'yong dalawang Soteiro! I immediately checked CL's account. Ang huling post n'ya ay isang pag-promote sa isang organization sa kanilang school.

I protruded my lips. What did I even expect? He's not that active on social media. At saka, pakialam n'ya ba? The last time we talked, I knew he didn't feel the same way. At kung sakali man na pareho kami ng nararamdaman noon, he was probably turned off.

On the other hand, I was pissed because Etienne probably hacked my account. Hindi ko alam kung paano n'ya nalaman ang password ko pero nainis ako dahil puro katarantaduhan ba naman ang pinaggagawa ng lokong 'yon!

There was even a conversation between his mother and me!

Lavender Soteiro:

105 million para ibigay mo sa akin ang anak mo.

Ellise Soteiro:

HALAAAAA

NOOO 😫😫😫😫

Hindi ako papayag 😡😡😡😡

Hindi nabibili ang anak ko!

Solstice, what happened to you ☹️☹️☹️ you can still change, anak!! But Etienne would still like you just the way you are! You don't need to buy him! And I'll even help you 😀😃😄

Lavender Soteiro:

Hala, Tita! No po. Na-hack lang po ang account ko. 😔 Sorry po talaga! Wala po talaga akong balak bilhin ang anak n'yo.

Ellise Soteiro:

OH! That's okay. Omg, did you retrieve your account na? Do you need to secure your accounts? You can ask Etienne to help! ☹️

Umirap ako bago nagtipa ng maikling reply. Paano ako hihingi ng tulong sa anak n'ya, e mismong anak n'ya ang gumawa nito? I couldn't even scold Etienne because I have no solid proofs and so far what he have done to my account is only pure entertainment for him. Puro kalokohan lang ng lokong 'yon!

Hindi ako makaganti dahil hindi ko alam kung saan siya naiinis. At saka, sa pamamagitan ng mga ganito ay kahit papaano ay kinakausap at nagkakaroon kami ng paguusapan.

I couldn't open the issues before. Hindi ko maatim na tanungin siya tungkol sa nangyari noon. At hindi ko rin alam kung paano ko sasabihin sa kan'ya ang totoo. And I want to know certain things too. . .

Napabuntonghininga na lamang ako.

It's complicated when you're the one who can't forgive yourself for your own sins. Minsan mas madali pang magpatawad ng iba kesa sa sarili mo. You can forgive others easily but when it comes to yourself, you will always be haunted by the thought that you could have done better than what you did. You condemned yourself for the unforeseen circumstances.

I thought we're only going into an endless loop of circles. Akala ko ay hindi ko na mapipiga si Etienne. Until someone came into our lives, accidentally peeling the bandage of Etienne's wounds.

"Wala ka talagang balak tumakbo bilang representative? Sayang naman," Icarus leaned on the table. His arms were across his chest.

Nasa SSG office kami ngayon. Nag-u-usap sila kung anu-ano'ng posisyon ang dapat mapunan. They were rooting for me as the batch representative of the STEM strand for the eleventh grade. P'wede naman sana kaso tinatamad ako. I was never the active type. I'd rather be in the audience instead.

"Ah, p'wede naman ako tumulong sa mga gawain."

"Uy," someone opened the door. Napalingon ako rito. A guy went in, he was moreno and he had a goofy smile on his face.

"Kayo ah, nagso-solo kayo rito." panga-alaska n'ya sa amin ni Icarus. Agad naman na kumunot ang noo ni Icarus.

"Gio, ikaw ba? Game ka sa president?"

"Hoy! Huwag naman," Gio widened his eyes. Napa-sign of the cross pa siya. "Kabahan ka naman sa sinasabi mo, Icarus. Ano'ng president ka riyan."

"You're obviously the popular candidate. Pero kung ayaw mo, ako ang tatakbong president." Icarus shrugged off.

"Si Solstice ba ang first lady mo?" Gio teased. "Bagay kayo!"

Ngumiwi naman agad si Icarus. Ako rin naman 'no! I don't like Icarus. Ayoko rin sa mga maraming pinaglalaban sa buhay.

Kakalabas lang namin nang maabutan ko si Etienne na hinihintay ako sa corridor. I smiled secretly. He still waits for me, huh?

"Lavy," Etienne called softly. Napalingon siya kay Gio at agad na naningkit.

"Lavy pala pangalan mo?" Gio asked. "Akala ko Solstice! Ganda ng name ah? Parang lovey, parang mahal na kita! Gano'n!" Halakhak ni Gio.

Etienne's expression turned grim, his grey eyes blending with annoyance. Agad siyang lumapit sa amin. He slackened his jaw and smiled at Gio.

I gulped as Etienne took a closer look at Gio who looked oblivious. Nagawa pang ngitian ni Gio si Etienne.

One thing about Etienne. . .

You won't like it if he smiles at you.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜