Kabanata 11

There are things that even if you begged to the ground to be forgiven — you simply won't be. You can never minimize someone's pain even if you were in their shoes once; we cope differently, we can never dictate how someone should feel or whether they should forgive or not. You cannot ask for forgiveness and abruptly be forgiven.

Napapikit ako nang mariin habang nakatingala. I slowly stood from my bed as I prepare for another day.

That happened almost a year ago. It's only been a year but he surely left a ghost town inside my heart. I thought I needed years for me to miss him — but I do every day and I regret every word I said.

Nakakadiri ka, Etienne.

No, Lavy. You were the one who's disgusting. I smiled bitterly. If only I knew. I wished I could turn back that one second and I would hug him. I would comfort him. I would say I'm sorry that he needed to sacrifice himself to. . .

Muli ako'ng umiyak.

My salvation is still far away from me. Naduduwag ako dahil alam kong nagkamali ako. Alam kong may kasalanan ako. At alam kong mahirap ang magpatawad sa isang taong nag-traydor sa iyo.

"You're enrolling in University of Jeanne D'Arc?" tanong ni Dayanara sa akin sa harap ng hapagkainan. My sister, Mareena, is currently eating her food too. Unlike the rest of the Reverios, Mareena is very cheerful and kind.

I silently scoffed.

Ampon yata 'to e. Baka galing sa ibang sperm cell o egg cell. Walang 'cheerful' at 'kindness' sa mga magulang n'ya. Kaya naman nagtataka ako.

"Yes," I replied briefly. I slowly cut my steak in half. I dipped it on the mash potato, weird combination but I love it.

"You're taking ABM, right?" Alfos asked, his sight focusing on me.

Hindi ako nakasagot agad. I was dreading for this day because I know that they won't like my answer. Wala naman kasi talagang mahilig sa 'science' sa pamamahay namin. We were more aligned to economics and business.

"STEM po," I cleared out. Agad na kumunot ang noo ni Alfos. One thing's for sure, he's not pleased.

Nakita ko naman na bahagyang natigilan si Kuya Adren at si Lolo sa kanilang pagkain. Mukhang na-alarma rin sila sa pagsisiwalat ko ng gusto kong kurso.

Adren has always seen me as a rival. I don't care about the company though and I'm even willing to cooperate with them if it means I get my freedom back. Tinitiis ko na lamang ang natitirang taon na kasama sila. Once that I finished med school, lilisan na rin naman ako sa pamamahay nila.

"STEM is for what again?" Alfos wiped the side of his lips. His full attention panning on me.

"Science, technology, engineering, and mathematics po." I elaborated since I know the K-12 is a new curriculum here in our country. "It's the strand for medical related jobs, engineering, architecture and more."

"Isn't that for boys?" Alfos snorted. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa aking kubyertos.

Of course, they would assume that only boys are capable of taking the STEM strand. It's their old fashioned mindset. In the old days, most of them would direct women to other courses because science, technology, engineering and business is helpful when it comes to the patriarchal society that they have built.

"Ano ang magiging trabaho mo riyan? Isn't that hard?" Dayanara snorted. "Why don't you settle for an easier strand?"

"This is where my future career is aligned po." I said, trying my best not to be rude. Nasa harap si Lolo, the best way to at least appear decent in his eyes is try not to choke Dayanara in front of him.

"Pero hindi mo rin naman 'yan magagamit," Alfos disagreed. "You'll be a wife sooner or later, hindi ka rin naman makakapag-trabaho, Solstice."

Right. I cleared my throat. Naalala ko na ang pamilyang ito ay masyadong makaluma. It's a patriarchal family, their views and beliefs are more aligned to be dominated by males. At para sa kanila, housewife naman ang kababagsakan ko.

As if women can't have dreams even if they have children already. At kahit naman housewives ay may karapatan magkaroon ng trabaho. They keep on limiting our capablities.

Nakakarindi talaga maging babae kapag puro na lang sila talak at dikta sa dapat mong gawin dahil babae ka.

It's not even breaking the norms — it's simply re-evaluating what's considered as normal for most.

"I'll think about it po, but for now, I would really like to take STEM. P'wede pa rin naman po ako mag-shift sa business sa college kung sakali. . ."

"But ABM is more aligned to business, huwag mo pahirapan ang sarili mo, hija." Alfos stated as his temper gradually rises.

Napaigtad ako dahil sa takot. I know it was possible for him to raise a hand to me. Alfos already have Mareena, I'm not the favorite child anymore. At alam ko naman na kayang-kaya n'ya ako saktan. And unlike Adren, I don't have grandfather's protection. Hindi rin ako umaasa na ipagtatanggol ako ni Dayanara.

I only have myself.

"Let her, Alfos." ani Lolo at bumuntonghininga. "It's not like she's going to inherit the company, she doesn't need to take any business courses."

It sounded like an insult but beggars can't be choosers. Tinanggap ko na lang ito dahil mas mabuti ito para sa sitwasyon ko ngayon. It would benefit me so I didn't mind the slightly backhanded help from him.

"The Soteiros are very secretive these days," panimula ni Alfos habang nakataas ang kan'yang wineglass, the servant slowly poured him some wine. Nilagok n'ya ito habang nakamatyag sa akin.

I pressed my lips together.

What happened in our classroom stays in our classroom. Walang nakalabas tungkol sa mga malalaswang larawan na kumalat sa classroom namin. The school administration was even silent about it. Wala rin sa mga kaklase ko ang nagsasalita tungkol doon. Even Kiko who is bluntly stupid didn't have the courage to go against Euan Soteiro. The last time Kiko said something nasty, Euan made sure that it was the last words he would ever spew against a Soteiro.

"Solstice?" Dayanara called, urging me to speak. Napalingon ako sa kan'ya at patagong umirap.

"They migrated, Pa. I have no ties with Etienne anymore." I said, frankly. Sinubo ko ang piraso ng steak na kahihiwa ko lamang. I chewed it slowly so they have to wait for my response.

"Bakit daw? Maganda ang performance nila sa bansa natin. I'm sure Eije wouldn't want to leave the country. Did something happen to Etienne?" Alfos queried, nosily.

I only look at him while chewing my food. Binabagalan talaga upang mapikon siya.

"That's none of our business, Alfos. I'm sure the Soteiros will be back soon enough. Baka nag-bakasyon lang ang mga 'yon. Even the other branches of the Soteiros are also not in our country." Lolo said.

That's true, CL is currently in London. Ang huling usap namin ay tungkol sa kaso na sinampa laban sa tutor ni Etienne. And the last time we've talked, he was upset with me. Lalo pa nang malaman ang totoong nangyari.

I understand him, though. I was disappointed with myself too. If only I knew it earlier what really happened.

I went back to my room after eating. The vacation phase is killing me. Hindi naman ako hinahayaan na umalis ng mansion. I was stuck here, plotting how to kill my time. Kinuha ko ang phone ko at niyaya si Katryna na pumunta rito sa mansion. Since CL left, Katryna was the one whom I bond the most even if sometimes we don't get along.

She's frank and most of the time she acts as if she doesn't care. Subalit alam ko naman sa sarili ko na may pakialam siya sa akin. Maybe she just do it on her own way.

"Alam mo kung bored ka, sakalin mo na lang si Dayanara." Yna stated in a jaded tone as she slowly comes in my room. Natawa naman ako, she knows how pretentious my stepmother is and how cruel she is when it comes to me.

"As if I can, huwag natin patulan ang hindi natin kasing-ganda." I jeered as I watched her plopping on my bed.

"Nagu-usap pa ba kayo ni Etienne?"

I gradually shook my head. "No and I don't know how to communicate with him. Pakiramdam ko ay wala ako'ng karapatan."

"Tama, behavior ka kasi. . ." Yna sneered which made me throw my pillow on her. Sinalo n'ya ito at binato sa akin pabalik.

"Yna! I'm serious though, hindi ko alam kung paano siya kakausapin. . ."

"Girl, uso ang social media. Uso naman siguro sa kan'ya 'yon?"

I bit my lower lip, that's right. Hindi ko pa sinusubukan na kausapin siya sa mga accounts n'ya. I feel ashamed of myself, to be completely honest.

"Try mo lang, hindi ka naman mapapatawad ng pride mo."

Napa-buntonghininga ako. Totoo naman ang sinabi n'ya. Who am I to held my pride when I have hurt him in his most vulnerable state? Minabuti ko na sundin ang payo ni Yna at hinanap ang mga social media accounts ni Etienne.

My eyes brimmed with tears. Nagulat naman si Yna dahil sa reaksyon ko.

"Bakit?"

"He blocked me." I sobbed.

"Ay," Yna gasped and went towards me. "Medyo deserved."

"Bwisit! Naka-block ako sa kan'ya." I threw my phone on my side. "Pakialam ko! As if I wanted to talk to him. G-gusto ko lang naman mag-sorry."

"Alam mo ba kung saang bansa siya pumunta?"

I shook my head. Biglaan lang din ang pag-alis nila. They probably wanted to bury the issue first and the EIJE headquarters are also probably using all of their connections to delete every single copy of it. Hindi naman imposible sa kanila 'yon. Albeit, I'm sure that the photos only circulated in our room. Hindi naman kasi ito nabalita.

"No."

"Hindi ako naka-block kay Etienne," Yna said and showed me her phone. Kitang-kita ko ang profile ni Etienne sa Instagram n'ya.

@8tiyenealcail. 18 posts. 18.4k followers. 0 following.

Nainggit ako dahil alam ko na fina-follow n'ya ako dati at hindi lang nasa eighteen ang pictures n'ya. He probably deleted his photos before. Hiniram ko ang cellphone ni Yna para i-stalk si Etienne. His pictures were only showing cityscapes or famous spots in Paris. May picture rin si Euan Soteiro na kumakain ng ice cream.

I feel nostalgia gaining control over me. Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko at nag-iwan ng komento sa pinakabagong post ni Etienne. I even flooded his posts with my comments.

@trynaj nakaka-pogi raw kapag inunblock mo si @solavrev

@trynaj pst unblock mo si @solavrev

@trynaj unblock mo na si @solavrev :<

"Gaga ka, ano 'yan?" Katryna snatched her phone. "Sa tingin mo gagana ito?"

"I'm desperate, okay!" I hissed. "Gusto ko na talaga siya makausap!"

"Well, wait." Katryna typed on her phone. Agad n'yang pinabasa sa akin ang nilagay n'ya sa comment section.

@trynaj sabi ni solstice twerkan ka raw n'ya sa mukha kapag i-unblock mo siya.

"Yna!" I screamed because of embarrassment. Hindi ako marunong mag-twerk! Mapapasabak pa ako nito! Tinawanan lang n'ya ako, her phone beeped because of a notification.

"Ay! Hala," Yna once again showed her phone. She can't access Etienne's profile anymore. "Blinock na n'ya ako. Sayang, wala ka ng future. Hanap ka na lang ng iba. Sayang ang gwapo pa naman no'n. Goodbye, grey eyed babies."

"Nabasa ni Etienne 'yon?!"

"Malamang 'te. Hindi nadaan sa twerk, malaki ang galit sa iyo, confirmed."

I sighed; I know that.

Malaki naman talaga ang naging kasalanan ko noon. I was clouded by rage and I wanted him to feel the same despair that I was going through. And now we both have to suffer because of the pain that I inflicted on him.

I thought that Etienne and I are over. The one who I considered as my greatest ally turned as the most distant stranger to me. And as I was preparing for my senior high school journey; a news came that made me feel colder than being stuck in an iceberg.

"Etienne Soteiro is back, he's going to the same school as you, Solstice." Alfos said. Pinanawan ako ng kulay sa mukha. Sinalubong ko ito ng isang panis na ngiti.

I transferred schools because I wanted a new environment and I know that Etienne will probably transfer to another one, definitely not in the school that I will move to. If he hates me so much, why would he enroll in the same school as me?

❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜