Happier Than Ever — Billie Eilish

TW: Read at your own risk.

Kabanata 10

It was still vivid to me how everything spiraled down. Kung paano ang lahat ng kulay ay unti-unting kumupas. The flowers withered, the iridescent lights went grey, and the mutual love we had for each other. . .

Vanished.

I was drastically lifeless and my only motivation drained me. At kapag nakikita ko si Dayanara, naaalala ko kung paano n'ya balewalain ang pagkawala ni Mama.

Sinunog si Mama.

Na parang basura.

Tears welled up in my eyes. Hindi mapigilan ang luha. I was always careful knowing that a number of scornful eyes are watching me. Subalit sa gabing ito ay naging halaghag ako sa paghikbi at pag-iyak.

Si Mama. . .

I remember her smiles, her sacrifices, and how she even painted herself as the villain for me to have a better life. Niyakap ko ang aking tuhod at unti-unting nagpapaunahan ang mga luha ko sa pagtulo.

Pinalis ko ito. Gusto ko pa rin malaman kung saan siya nilibing at gusto kong mapakulong si Ernesto. Gagawin ko ang lahat upang makulong siya. Hindi ako titigil hanggang hindi siya napupunta sa likod ng mga rehas. Mama didn't deserve any of that. Kahit sino ay walang may deserve no'n.

Ang simple lang ng buhay ko noon.

Bakit kailangan humantong sa ganito?

I was supposed to be living a simple life. Kasama si Mama. Si Etienne. Si CL. Hindi ganito na unti-unti ako pinapasuko.

All I ever wanted was a peaceful life yet life isn't always peaceful. I trace the lines of a heartbeat in the air. Up and down. Down and up. Always in the same motion. If it's in a perfect straight line, it means you're not living. My hand stopped mid-air in the lower position.

Bakit parang parating nasa ibaba ang akin?

That my life is always spiraling downwards.

Mugto ang mga mata ko nang pumasok ako kinabukasan. Unfortunately, Etienne wasn't around and he was labeled as absent in our attendance. Sumisinghot pa ako dahil hanggang ngayon ay walang patid ang pag-agos ng aking luha. Ang ilan sa mga kaklase ko ay bumuo pa nga ng mga haka-haka tungkol sa akin.

"Iniiyakan 'yata si CL," ani Tanya sa mga kaibigan n'ya. "Sabi ko sa inyo e, pinagpalit nga siya."

"Kawawa naman si Solstice."

"Makakahanap pa naman siya ng iba," saad ni Rebecca. Isa sa mga kaibigan ni Tanya. "Sayang lang dahil gwapo rin si CL at batch representative ng grade ten."

"Baka naman hindi lang naka-abot sa sale kagabi?"

"Alam mo naman na likas na madadrama talaga ang mga babae," Tanya cackled. Sinundan ito ng mga kaibigan n'ya. "Baka nga. Ako rin siguro ay iiyak kung di ako umabot ng sale kagabi."

Hindi ko mapigilan ang umiling habang pinupunasan ng tissue ang mga luha ko. Gaga ka ba? Babae ka rin. At ano'ng mali sa pag-iyak? Ano mayroon at bakit naging ma-drama na agad ito?

I badly wanted to refute but I have no energy. Humahantong ka na lang talaga sa hinahayaan mo na lang ang mga usap-usapan tungkol sa 'yo dahil tapos naman na nilang alamin ang kwento mo. People are not always open for discussion and you have no choice but to accept that. No matter how annoying it is that you can't always defend yourself from their own version of the truth.

At bakit kapag umiiyak ang isang babae, awtomatikong tungkol na ito sa lalaki?

My problems are not always related to another gender. It isn't always about love, the superficial things, and it's not because I'm a girl; umiiyak ako at madrama ako dahil tao ako. I hate how crying is only associated with girls, and if a guy cried — he's automatically labeled as a drama queen.

Nakakainis, parang kasalanan pa ngayon ang pag-iyak. Hindi naman palaging masaya ang tao. Hindi naman dapat tinatago ang kalungkutan. Hindi nila alam kung gaano kahirap ang nagkikimkim ng damdamin. We should be free when it comes to expressing ourselves; even if it means in our raw self with tears-stained cheeks.

Hindi ko na kinakaya ang daloy ng kalungkutan sa akin kaya naman tumayo ako at lumapit sa aking guro na abala sa pagkuha ng attendance. I want to take a rest because my head is already in pain because of the constant crying. Pumipintig na ang ulo ko kaya naman hinipo-hipo ko ito upang makita rin ng aking guro. The current subject teacher gladly obliged, prolly knowing that I am a Reverio.

"Can I go to the clinic po?" paalam ko. I still didn't want to be rude. "Baka po kasi may importanteng lesson o gagawin. Masakit lang po talaga ang ulo po, Ma'am."

"Uh, I will just distribute the topics for our group reporting. Do you already have your group, Miss Reverio?"

Tumango naman ako. She gave a small smile and her gaze went back to her laptop. "Then you can go, your eyes also tell me that you're not fine. I'll make sure that your groupmates will include you for participation."

"Thank you po."

"Magpahinga ka, Miss Reverio." munting bilin n'ya pa sa akin. I slightly nodded my head and continued my walk towards the clinic. My knees were wobbling as I took small steps. Unti-unting iniisip ang mga maaring gawin ko para makabangon muli.

Mama was my everything.

I'm still here because of her. . .

Ngayon na wala na siya, hindi ko na alam kung saan ako pupulot ng lakas.

I was physically abused by Dayanara. Natiis ko 'yon lahat. Hindi ako tanggap ng pamilya na kumukupkop sa akin ngayon. Okay lang talaga. Tanging si Etienne lang ang mayroon ako. At ang alam n'ya pa ay ako 'yong kababata n'ya. Hindi n'ya ako mahal bilang Lavy. He only cares because I'm Solstice.

Pinahid ko ang mga luha ko. Ano ba ang ginawa ko sa mundo? I never hurted someone intentionally, did I even deserve this? Hinang-hina na ako. Ang bata ko pa para sukuan ang mundo pero bakit parang lahat na lang ng sakit ay pinaparanas sa akin ngayon? Kailan ba ako sasaya? Pagod na ako maging matatag. Hindi naman nawawala 'yong sakit, mas lumalalim lang ang mga sugat.

Hinayaan ako ng nurse bantay sa clinic na humiga sa isa sa mga bakanteng kama. Hindi ko pinansin ang amoy ng gamot sa paligid at pinagpatuloy ang pag-iyak. Basang-basa na naman ang mga unan na gamit ko ngayon.

Bumigat ang mga talukap ng aking mata sa pagod. My breathing slowly calms down. I was lullabied by my own weeping. Naalimpungatan lang ako nang may maramdaman ako'ng pares ng mga mata na nakatingin sa akin.

Napabalikwas ako.

Napaigtad din si CL dahil sa akin. He looked at me with concern eyes. He was in his usual clean uniform and his hair is slightly longer than before. Mas nagkaroon din ng laman ang katawan n'ya, probably because of the volunteering work that they do for the school organizations.

"Sinilip kita sa classroom mo dahil nabalitaan ko na absent daw si Etienne," he said. "Are you okay? May masakit ba sa iyo? I asked our school's doctor, wala ka naman daw lagnat."

I smiled at him sadly.

How can you explain that the pain you feel is imperceptible? That no one can see the dark monsters but only you? How can I even start to tell it to anyone when it's already ending me?

"Wala lang ito, CL." sagot ko sa kan'ya at naghanda na para umalis ng higaan. I slowly stood and went towards the attendance sheet to write my log out note. Pinagmamasdan lang ako ni CL habang ginagawa ito.

"You can talk to me," he cooed. "I'll listen, Lavy. I won't say anything."

The tip of the pen postponed its ink, natigilan ako sa pagsusulat. Bumaling ako sa kan'ya at banayad na umiling. I can't tell him about Mama. Wala ako'ng pwedeng pagsabihan. And that's what hurts most. Nilulubog ako nito sa kalungkutan habang mag-isa lang ako. Pakiramdam ko lahat sila ay may tyansa pang maligtas sa kalungkutan nila dahil may karapatan silang humingi ng tulong. May bangka na handang sagipin sila.

Ako?

Wala.

Patuloy lang ako'ng nalulunod. Palalim nang palalim.

"Thank you, CL." napapaos kong saad habang umaagos muli ang mga luha sa aking pisngi.

CL didn't hesitate to come closer to me. He strokes my hair as I cried harder. Ramdam ko ang mainit n'yang palad sa aking ulo. I finally felt warmth.

"You did well, Lavy. Kahit wala ka ng sabihin. I get it, just cry. Let it out. Nandito lang ako."

I enveloped my arms around him and cried in his uniform. Hinayaan lang ako ni CL habang nababalot ako sa mga agam-agam ko sa buhay. I was scared that I have no one now. Balang araw ay malalaman din ni Etienne na hindi ako si Solstice. He'll feel betrayed. Iiwan din n'ya ako. Wala na ako'ng kasama. Mag-isa na lang ako —

"Lavy, I'm here." basag ni CL sa litanya ng mga iniisip ko. "Hindi ka nagi-isa. Kasama mo kami. You'll get through this, okay? We'll be here for you. It's okay to feel bad things, just remember that you need to continue flipping the pages to get through a bad chapter. . ."

I gradually nodded.

"And when it's already too much to bear, when the tragic scenes are painstakingly too slow, you have to remember to pause. That's one of the reasons why we have bookmarks, right? We pause for a while when's too painful but we'll continue when we're already strong enough to face the next chapter. . ."

CL wasn't assured that I'll be fine on my own. That's the awful truth though, no number of words can really heal a tormented mind. Kahit sobrang mahahalimuyak na ang mga salita, kung wala ka namang pang-amoy; wala rin itong silbi. Niyaya n'ya ako kina Etienne at pumayag naman ako. Maybe then, I can pretend that I am alright.

"Sir Etienne is resting," anunsyo sa amin ng isa sa mga katiwala nila. She smiled apologetically as she slightly sagged her head. "Balik na lang daw po kayo bukas kung maaari. Ma'am Ellise is also not entertaining visitors at the moment po."

"Is that so?" CL sighed before turning his attention to me. "Gusto mo bang umalis muna? Mall? Park?"

"N-no," tanggi ko. "Umuwi na tayo, CL. Gusto ko na rin magpahinga."

Walang nagawa si CL kung hindi pagbigyan ako. Tahimik n'ya ako'ng sinamahan sa labas ng mansion ng mga Soteiro. My eyes were puffy but I saw a familiar face. Napatda ako sa aking kinatatayuan nang makita ang buong mukha n'ya. It was the women that Dayanara is talking to. Hindi ko alam kung bakit unti-unti ako'ng nanginig. She was the one who knew information about my mother.

Bakit siya nasa mga Soteiro?

Hindi ba't kasabwat siya ni Dayanara?

My eyes twitched at her mere sight. Napansin naman ito ni CL dahil kahit siya ay natigilan at pinagmamasdan ako. His stare made me feel like he understood the conflict in my eyes. Alam n'ya na may Nakita ako. And he knows it's repugnant.

"Solstice?" he beckoned. "Tara na? Ihahatid na kita. . ."

"Can you go home first? I want to know something. Please." pakiusap ko sa kan'ya. At first, he was hesitant because he knows that something is up. Hinawakan ko siya sa kan'yang kamay at ngumiti ako nang tipid.

He sighed and deliberately nodded his head. "Please go home safe, okay? Mauuna na ba ako o gusto mo hintayin kita?"

"P'wede ka na umuwi. I'll be fine, I promise. Besides, Etienne's here. May kakausapin lang ako. Sandali lang din naman ito."

Wala siyang nagawa at hinayaan na ako'ng umalis sa tabi n'ya. I went back to the mansion. CL is not living here, pero nasa iisang lugar lang naman sila. They are more modest than Etienne's family but I'm not close to them. Tanging si CL lang naman talaga ang nakakausap ko sa pamilya n'ya. Unlike Etienne's side, I was close to his mother and to some of their helpers.

"I'm here for Etienne Soteiro," anang babae. Kausap ang isa sa mga katiwala nila Etienne. The helper echoed what she initially told us.

"Sir Etienne is resting. Bumalik na lang po kayo bukas."

"This is important," iritadong saad no'ng babae. She looks constipated.

Nagtago ako sa isang sulok. She sighed when the helper once again refused to let her meet Etienne. Umalis na 'yong helper at naiwan 'yong kasabwat ni Dayanara. Kinuha n'ya sa kan'yang bulsa ang kan'yang cellphone. She dialled a number and it immediately answered.

"Ayaw makipag-usap ni Sir Etienne," the woman said, sounding frustrated. "I already did the job. Dayanara is even satisfied. I need to know what's the next move now that the hindrance is eliminated."

Nayanig ang buong pagkatao ko. My body felt fragile as I slowly descended on the floor.

Etienne. . . Is with them?

Unti-unting lumandas ang mga luha sa aking mata.

The only hope. . . I was grasping on was also part of their alliance.

Sinisinok ako habang pinipigilan ang mga hikbing kumakawala sa aking bibig. Umiling-iling ako habang tumakbo palabas ng kanilang mansion. The driver was waiting for me.

"Kuya, l-let's go." Pinahid ko ang mga luha ko.

"Ma'am, okay lang po ba kayo?"

"Please po, gusto ko na lang pong umuwi. . ."

Walang kibot ang driver nang ihatid ako pabalik sa mabahay

Ano'ng ginawa ko sa iyo, Etienne? Was I really a bad friend? Para sumama ka sa mga taong pumatay sa nanay ko?

Blangkong-blangko na ako habang pinilit ako sarili na umuwi mag-isa. My heart slowly being filled with rage. Lahat sila ay tinalikuran na ako. I only wanted peace. I only wanted to live. I only wanted to see my Mama once again.

Bakit ba nila ako pinagkakaitan?

Dumating ang bukas na iba na ang pananaw ko sa mundo. The world has done nothing but hurt me, it made me suffer the most wounds. I'll make sure that I'll return every wound and let them bear the scars eternally.

I decided to wore my pearls as I prepare for school. Kung papasok man si Etienne mamaya, ipapakain ko talaga 'tong mga perlas ko sa kan'ya. Tangina n'ya. Magsama sila ni Dayanara!

I kept holding my bracelet made of pearls to calm myself as I went towards my classroom. Pero imbis na si Etienne ang magulantang, ako ang nahulog ang puso pagdating sa room namin.

My classmates were shock too. The classroom was filled with pictures. Most of them were disturbing sexual pictures. . .

Etienne. . .

"Geez, who would have thought?" asik ng isang kaklase ko.

"Grabe 'yong mga tahimik talaga 'yong matitinik 'no?"

"Kaya pala absent siya kahapon, baka napagod. Matanda pa nga ang nais." Halakgak ng isa pa.

My heart was hammering against my chest. Ang galit ko ay unti-unting nawala. Subalit hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman dahil humahalo ito sa awa at lungkot. I could see some of my classmates wanted to defend Etienne but they were afraid to speak up. Lahat sila ay tikom ang bibig o di kaya'y puro pang-a-alipusta ang lumalabas sa bibig.

"L-lavy," a small voice called out to me. Nilingon ko ito at nakitang si Etienne na naiiyak na. His eyes were brimming with tears.

Lumapit siya sa akin.

Umiwas ako.

Malamig ko siyang tinitigan.

No, I won't feel pity for those who have hurt my mother.

Kahit pa si Etienne ito.

"L-lavy, h-hindi ko 'yon ginusto. . ." Etienne weeped, even sniffing to clear his tone. "Maniwala ka naman sa akin o. . ."

"Maniwala kami sa 'yo." Kiko laughed, rudely. "Ano'ng lasa ng matanda, Etienne?"

Etienne didn't heed to any of them. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin. His grey eyes were looking straight at me. As if what I think matters most to him.

His trembling hands wanted to hold me. His hands were hesitantly reaching out to me. Kailangan n'ya ng kakampi. Kailangan n'ya ng kasama. Kailangan n'ya ako. He was looking for someone who could understand; who would believe in him; who would defend him.

Sa isang segundo, sinira ko si Etienne.

Sa isang segundo, tinabig ko ang kamay n'ya.

Ang isang segundo na kailanman ay hindi ko na maibabalik.

"Nakakadiri ka, Etienne." I said to spite him more. Pinalis ko ang luhang lumabas mula sa aking mga mata.

I saw how he was caught off guard. Unti-unting bumalisbis ang mga luha sa kan'yang mga mata. He just stared at me blankly.

"Diring-diri ako sa iyo." I declared, lying through gritted teeth.

How dare you plot against my mother. How dare you betray me. You disgust me because even if you did those things. . . Mahal pa rin kita.

That day, I broke Etienne Nealcail Soteiro as much as he broke me.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪♀❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜