I am the hottest chick on the planet.

When I suggested to Tommy at dinner that we hit the strip club afterwards, he was pretty surprised. But now that I'm giving him his own private lap dance, he is positively shocked.

Let me be clear and state for the record that I am not a stripper. Why anyone would actually do this for a living is beyond me. Playing around for a night is one thing, but come on.

The sad thing is that most of these girls are really pretty. If I saw any of them out in the real world, I would probably be duped into thinking they were even pretty enough to have some great, successful life.

But in here, I know they've got nothing on me.

It sure is fun to play their part right now, however, showing them what a real woman can do for her own man.

This club tries to cater to a more upscale clientele and the décor might actually fool you into believing you were in some classy establishment. There are groups of red velvet chairs and couches arranged into sitting areas and the effect is actually pretty interesting. Kind of like a dozen ordinary little living rooms crossed with a dab of retro lounge lizard.

Every one of the side tables have candles burning on them, but the coffee tables in the center are left bare. No doubt so that the girls' stilettos don't catch fire while they're gyrating on them. No matter the caliber of the furnishings, the place is still nothing more than a glorified titty bar, however. The blaring music and half-naked girls onstage kinda give that little fact away.

Tommy's not the type of guy who would normally come to a place like this. Not that I've ever been here before, either. But he and I have been dating for four months and sixteen days, so my bag of tricks is almost empty. It's hard coming up with new ways to keep things exciting.

But right now, 'exciting' isn't really a problem. I'm straddling Tom's lap and my legs are up around his neck. It's a pretty impressive feat for a thirty-year-old. Take that, strippers!

Just as I put my hands on the table behind me and tip my head back, a big, burly bouncer comes over and taps me on the shoulder. "Hey. You can't do that in here."

I smile at Tom and barely offer an acknowledgement to the brute behind me. "Oh, really? What about her?"

I nod my head in the direction of one of the strippers, giving a private show to a group of business guys sitting around a table. Well, guys in suits, anyhow. They could just as easily be posers who still live with their mommies. Am I supposed to believe that they've just come from the office? It's like midnight or something already. Gimme a break.

I go back to my wiggling as the bouncer gives a bored sigh and looks over at the suits. He says, "She works here. You don't. Let's leave the dancing to the dancers, okay, sweetheart?"

I put my feet down on the floor, but don't leave Tom's lap. I drape my arms over his shoulders and give him a wink before I turn to the goombah and say with as much attitude as I can muster, "What's the matter? Afraid I'll take too much attention away from the dancing skanks?"

Tommy cuts in just as the bouncer's head looks ready to explode. "Whoa, whoa. Okay, Shay, enough. Playtime's over." He puts his hands at my waist and lifts me a little, so I climb off his lap and flop down onto the seat beside him. I cross my arms and pucker my lips in an exaggerated pout; a pose that I know Tom thinks is sexy.

He addresses the gorilla. "We were just goofing around, but everything's cool now. Right, Shay?"

He gives me an imploring look, so I agree. "Yeah. We're cool. In fact, we're just leaving anyway. Right, Tom?"

I stand up and grab my purse. Tom leaves a few bucks on our table and we head out to the car. He starts to settle into the driver's seat, but stops when he sees me standing next to the passenger side with my hands on my hips. He takes the hint and comes over to my side to open the door for me. Yeesh, after five months you'd think the guy would have this "chivalry thing" down already. It's always tough breaking in a new boyfriend, but sometimes Tommy can be ultra-resistant.

All in all though, it's been a pretty cool few months. I've known Tom for years, but we only started dating in January. Well, I didn't really know him... we'd met a handful of times over the past decade. He's a friend of a friend. More specifically, he's a friend of my girlfriend Livia's boyfriend, Jack. Liv and I have hung out with each other since high school, so there've been plenty of social occasions where Tommy and I have been in the same room. I always thought he was cute, but the timing was never right. Then one night at Jack's house, we just hit it off over a game of cards. It was like fate.

We'd both had a lot to drink, but I had noticed him looking at me across the table all night. Finally, I just said "screw it" and went for it. I cornered him on his way out of the bathroom, blocking his body as I wedged myself between him and the doorway. He put his hand at my waist and pulled me into the room, and before I knew it, we were banging against the sink. It was totally hot.

When we came back into the kitchen, Livia looked pissed. I remember thinking that it would do that girl good to lighten up a little. Ever since she got back together with Jack, she's been so damned serious. She used to be a lot of fun back in the day. I know. I used to be her boss.