I hadn't spoken to Harry in a couple days because of our little fight on the roof. I suppose it wasn't a fight though. It was more of an embarrassing disagreement. 

I pulled the blanket up higher as I tried to get comfortable on the world's most uncomfortable lawn chair in the world.  I grabbed my journal and clicked the pen open. I pushed play on my music and then began to write. 

"Most girls would be jumping at the chance to have a romance with Harry Styles, especially in his most vulnerable state, but me? I don't want that. I don't want to date Harry Styles or have a fling with him. I don't want to have any type of romance with him. It's not that he is a bad person, or that I have anything against him, it's that he always compares me- us- to The Fault In Our Stars and I hate that. I despise that because I am nothing like Hazel Grace. He is like Augustus in all sorts of way, but me? I am nothing like Hazel Grace at all. I do not deserve a story like her's. It is not because I do not want to have that sort of beautiful, ever-lasting romance, but it is because I don't deserve to have that. At least not anymore."

I put my pen and book down as my eyes wandered over to the city. It had become dark now and everything was lit up and all the magic had begin to show, but it wasn't helping me. It wasn't making me feel happy or safe or like I could touch the sky. It wasn't doing anything at all expect make me more sad as the realization that I would never leave this hospital washed over me like a wave coating the sand on the shore. 

Of course I have had this realization many times before, but this time it was different. This time it hit harder and brought a different type of fear.

This time it brought the type of fear that could only be caused by one thing: the realization that this is all your life will ever be. Routine after routine. Doing the same exact thing. Making nothing of your life, doing nothing to make an impact on others. Slowly rotting away, wasting your life away. Never experiencing anything that makes life worth living. Never knowing what love is or what it feels like. Never knowing what it feels like to have someone wrap their arms around you and crave your embrace when they leave. Never having someone kiss you on the cheek, or having someone kiss your lips and miss their taste.

It was the type of suffocating fear that made you realize that you, your life, your existence means nothing. It was the type of suffocating fear that made you want to hide and cry until you couldn't breath anymore. It was the type of suffocating fear that made you want to die.

You'd think that I would be crying right now. That tears would just be pouring down my face. But they aren't. In fact over a few tears had slipped out and then they stopped, because this sadness was the worst sadness. It was the sadness that you feel ache in your bones and makes your stomach heave, but brings no tears. It's the type of sadness that is too sad to cry.

Right here in this moment I had wished for Harry to come up to the roof and see me and fulfill his promise of my 'John Green Story', but he didn't come up and he didn't see me and he didn't fulfill his promise so I sat back down in that horrid lawn chair and decided to sleep without my tubes and I decided that if I didn't wake up it wouldn't be so bad because at least I wouldn't have to live in this type of sick, twisted pain everyday.

❁❀❁5:03 a.m.❁❀❁

I did wake up, and to be quite honest I knew I would because I'm sleeping, not running or jumping or cartwheeling. I was just sleeping which requires minimal effort in the lung department.

I put my tubes back in my nose and sat there just staring out unto the still-dark-city.

"Well finally, Ms. Sleeping Beauty is awake." Harry said in the lawn chair next to me.

I nearly had a heart attack and jumped in my seat. I slowed my heart rate down and focused on my breathing and then looked over at Harry. "Hello. And it's like 4 in the morning. I didn't even sleep in."

"It's actually 5, but whatever. Are you okay?" He asked with concern.

I sighed and shook my head. "Why?"

"Because when I came up here you were crying. I thought you were awake but when I came over you were asleep and then I saw your journal, no I didn't read it, I did however read your copy of Paper Towns that you left up here, and I find it absolutely adorable how you blacked out all the cusses, you really don't like cussing do you? Anyways I didn't read your journal, and figured that something must've happened. So are you okay?" He asked again.

How freaking embarrassing. "Just peachy, you rambler. I really didn't need to know about the Paper Towns crap."

"Well I wanted to be fully honest. And it really is adorable how you really don't like cussing so I wanted to tell you that." He said with a goofy smile.

I was still sad though.

"Alright. Thanks." I said, staring off again.

"Hey, really, what's wrong?" He asked.

"Nothing. Leave me alone, goodness." I said with a laugh. But that laugh was empty and tired and fake and anyone with ears could tell that.

He pulled me into a hug, an actual hug, and whispered again: "what is wrong?"

And that is the moment that my hidden cries that wouldn't come out last night decided to come pouring down my cheeks and unto his shirt.

"Shh, shh, it's okay," He cooed. "I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you. I'll make you happy when skies are gray, I'll make flowers grow in the darkest spots in your soul, I'll make you believe that everything will be okay."

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HOLY CRAP I LOVE THIS STORY ITS SO CUTE AND HARRY ANDASKSDHFAIUDFHQEO;FJIKSAD.

vote, comment, do all that fun little stuff please.

pic of Chandler Bay on the side crying. my beautiful bby.

oh and that poem "I'll make you happy with skies are gray, I'll make flowers grow in the darkest spots in your soul, I'll make you believe that everything will be okay" is by me. i legit came up with that so don't steal it. -A x