I tried so hard to avoid looking over at him today. But I failed when he made that loud joke in maths class I couldn't help but laugh at.

If he saw me laughing at his joke do you think he would've boosted up his own ego or just think I can't let go of him? 

If he was to think I couldn't let go of him, would he of been wrong?

When I have to put so much focus on not glancing over at Billie Joe just to see what shirt he would wear today or how tired he looked to know if he's been sleeping right lately. I guess if I really had to question it the answer is no. He wouldn't have been wrong to think so.

It's only been three weeks tops since we broke up. And I'm feeling crazy. My whole body was built with self pity and sympathy. My mind felt shattered with no hopes of mending itself in the near future.

I gave in today. To my desires of wanting to see how tired he looked today to determine if he was sleeping okay. Staring at him in my last class of the day: science. 

'Thanks for breaking my mind Billie Joe,' I thought to myself watching him scribble in his book. 'I wish I could be angry at you for it. But I even think the way the pieces of my conscious were sprawled out and scattered on the floor was sort of beautiful because it was you who did it,'

Mike beside him nudged his arm. Billie Joe cussed under his breath looking over at his friend. Before after a mumble of words both eyes fell to me.

'I'm so ashamed I still stare at you. Are you ashamed of me too that I do that?'

I flickered my eyes away fast. My body prickled with embarrassment from being caught as I sat there uncomfortable in my own skin. I just wanted to crawl out of it and be someone else.

Leaving it a few seconds, I glanced back up to check if they were still looking at me. 'Do I hope you're still staring at me the way I do you? Or if I find you looking am I gonna feel more shitty?'

He still was looking. Oh great. My body felt weak. Only furthermore feeling frail when he gave me a small soft smile. 'Please don't smile at me like that.' I thought silently to him. I couldn't smile back. Did he know that? I moved my eyes away focusing back on my work.

I didn't give in any more after that the whole lesson. Which was agony. That I couldn't allow myself to even admire him just from afar. 

When the class ended, I tried to scurry out as fast as I could. Praying I'd abandon my discomfort in the room. But it only loomed around me since his smile.

I walked quickly through the hallways, keeping my eyes to the floor so I couldn't look at anyone else. That ignorance of my awareness was my bad, I realised that when my body clashed with someone else's.

When it clashed with him. 

"Oh shit," I cussed. "I'm so sorry I-" I cut myself off looking at Billie Joe's eyes.

Focusing on his face was so much more than just looking at him. I wasn't just peering at him in the eyes. But also staring straight into the eyes of all my rejection and humility.

"Hi," He greeted awkwardly.

It hurt so bad. Fucking stung. But I couldn't let him know that. "Hi Billie Joe," I managed to squeak. 

Seconds of silence passed. Killing me. Until he spoke back up with his awkward voice. "How are you lately?"

'Fucking terrible. Like shit. I'm fucking lost without you. I'm a wreck and a mess and a whole heap of shame and indignity. But you don't look like you'd know that feeling. Not any of these feelings I feel,'. "I'm okay," I lied so plainly. 

"You don't look okay,"

'Cause I'm not.'. "No, I'm fine,"

"Oh... well, that's nice to hear,"

The seconds of no words of ours dragged back in. I couldn't take standing in front of him. I couldn't do it. "Nice seeing you," That wasn't a lie. I used it as an excuse before walking around him and fumbling away.

I could've just gotten away with it. "Wait!" If he would've let me.

I turned to look over my shoulder, he stood in the same place staring me down. Even he was looking at me pitifully. Or am I just paranoid at this point? "Huh?" I asked.

"Can we just..." He paused. Swallowing before he tried to continue. "Can we just talk?"

I squinted my eyes at him. "Talk about what Billie?"

He sighed, walking up as he caught up with me and we found ourselves walking together now through the hallways. "I smiled to you earlier," He brought up. "I'm not sure if you saw. I think I just wanted you to know we don't have to be awkward and can do things like... I don't know, exchange smiles and have conversations together,"

"Right, yeah,"

"Well, I mean. We don't have to if you don't want to. I noticed you didn't smile back,"

'I didn't know to smile to you when you smiled at me so casually,'. "I guess things just feel awkward to me,"

"I don't want things to be awkward. Would it be so bad if we just shared conversations here and then?"

'Erm, yes? For me, it would.' "Of course not,"

"Y'know if I'm troubling you, just tell me to leave you alone,"

I paused walking, looking at him confused. "What?"

He stopped too. Shrugging. "Maybe I'm holding on. You don't seem like you care much, am I just being annoying?"

Great. He thinks I don't care about him, but I care about him more than anything. "I do care Billie Joe," I told him trying to let out as little emotion as I could in that sentence as we picked up walking again. 

We strolled together silently for a few more seconds. Reaching the end of the hallway as we turned to leave the doors. No, this was not the thankful end of mine and Billies conversation. Because as we exited school together I realised we'd be walking home together. Since he only lived on the next street up from me.

"How're your folks?" He asked. Which hurt he still cared about even my parents.

"They said they miss seeing you around," I laughed slightly. 

"Y'know, its weird not seeing them recently,"

I didn't reply. Purely because I didn't know what to reply with.

Billies and my break up was something of complication. We were together for three years but ended things on a mutual agreement, that was only really me agreeing because I felt that's what he wanted. When his ex came back to town and I was too insecure to understand they could just be friends and just friends. I regret that like fuck now. 

"It's weird not seeing you lately," He added. 

"It is?"

"Of course it is. I mean- I miss you. A lot. Sometimes I think about everything and I just end up getting lost in all of it,"

"You don't miss me," I snorted.

"What? What makes you think that?"

I missed him like fuck. More than he would understand. It was frustrating, and that feeling began to overwhelm me as my head felt hot and I spoke more words than I should've. "You were the one who told me this might not work out," I outed, looking in front avoiding his eyes as we strolled.

"You agreed?"

"I didn't mean it, Billie," I huffed as I picked up my pace. Praying he'd understand I wanted this conversation to be over and leave me be.

But he only jogged back up and picked his own pace up to keep up. "Do you think I'd be here telling you I miss you if I meant it?"

"Are you really trying to tell me right now you didn't mean it when you told me that this might not work out?" I asked annoyed.

"Yes. I am. What about it? Can you not let yourself believe me?"

"No, I can't,"

"I still love you y'know?"

I paused.

Y'know, when your hearts in pieces on the floor you do kind of just assume it can't break anymore. Well apparently wrong. Because Billie was just treading over and over on those pieces. And my scattered heart was wrenching.

I stared at him for a few seconds as he paused too staring at me. Before I caught my words and huffed again. "Shut up," I told him beginning to walk again.

He followed behind. "I do,"

"Shut up,"

"I still do love you. Can you not believe that either?"

"Billie shut up,"

"Oh my God. I'm here telling you I love you and you can't even fucking believe me,"

I spun around to face him now, agitated that he couldn't have listened to me before and just bit his damn tongue. "If you still loved me you wouldn't have left me!"

He paused in shock. Before looking at me the same: annoyed. "You left me too!"

"You were the one that fucking suggested it!"

"And I regret it!"

"No, you don't. Will you just let me get over you?"

"I don't want you over me. I just want you fucking back why don't you understand,"

"Don't come to me and tell me I don't understand about wanting you back when that's all I've been praying for! When we broke up we stood there for silent seconds and you were the one who finally turned around and walked away. You walked away from me. You walked from us. And I just fucking stood there! Like an idiot! And watched you!"

Thank fuck the streets were empty because my volume was not being watched. And I didn't care to start changing it.

His jaw clenched. "You don't think that hurt me to walk away? Did you want me to stand there for more silent seconds and look at you?"

"Why couldn't you?"

"Because I was on the edge of crying! I didn't wanna stand in front of you and cry!?"

"You walked away from me like it was nothing,"

"The hardest thing I've ever had to do was walk away from you still madly in love!"

"So then why'd you walk away!?"

"Because I washout to-"

"-No! From us Billie! Why would you walk away if you still fucking loved me?"

"I thought that's what you wanted! I brought it up and you didn't hesitate to agree!"

"Because I thought that's what you wanted! Did you want me to beg for you? Did you expect me to beg for you!?"

"I wanted you to just tell me I was being stupid and you loved me! And you didn't. You agreed and I'd already said it and couldn't take it back and I stuck myself into the position of leaving you,"

I tried to breathe in, but it was hard to catch my breath. "And you expect me to believe that?"

"It's the truth!"

"Lame excuse for the truth,"

He sighed heavily. Rolling his eyes. "I knew I shouldn't have tried to talk to you." He mumbled, before walking away. Again. For a second time. 

And like how time enjoys to repeat itself, I stood again like a stumbling fool watching him walk away. Letting him. 

Today, I realised. This morning when he got out of bed, he threw on a Ramones shirt. His favourite shirt.

The one I bought him.

A/N: OHHHH HOW I LOVE TO WRITE SAD AND ANGRY CHAPTERS. HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS :)