tw: suicide/death,
blood + violence

❧ Warm and Alive ❧

Jeongguk didn't doubt his choice to tell Taehyung. He simply had zero idea where to start. He was wracking his brain for how to tell it right, what was needed before the biggest part in terms of context, and whether there was a point of too much.

There probably was, but he didn't end up focusing on any of those when Taehyung's hand cupped his jaw and the older was saying, "Tell me anything or everything. Whatever comes to mind. I'll do the rest of the thinking, okay?"

It made the burning pull of his tight chest simmer as he let out the breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. Jeongguk wasn't good at thinking. Not as much as Taehyung, at least. Or rather, he didn't like doing it.

He liked speaking his mind, not thinking twice, and not having to worry about what ifs when he thought back to a conversation.

But recently, he felt like he was holding a lot back from Taehyung in the disguise of waiting for the older to make the first move so he didn't fuck things up again.

He nodded to Taehyung's words, smile flickering through like the last of a dying bulb before he delved into the darkest part of his head, something he'd blocked out from another's knowledge for so long that it made him feel weak and exposed.

But if it was Taehyung, Jeongguk didn't think he cared how the surfer saw him. He'd seen his every side already.

He was young when he met Yoongi and Namjoon. Thirteen. They most definitely became the family of his dreams when his was falling apart.

Within weeks of his parents' divorce, he'd been lingering around the streets at night, trying to find any traffic or the rush of cars to keep him entertained when his home felt dead inside.

He remembered seeing two motorcycles slow down near him one night and Jeongguk had jumped out of his skin in fear of those shiny helmets replacing heads and the way they towered over him. His fear was quick to be noticed, the taller of the two pulling his helmet off quickly and speaking in a calm town.

"Hey, kid, you shouldn't be out this late. Do you know where you are?"

He was awfully still, glancing at the other of the two, who had left his helmet on and simply flicked his visor up. He had cat like eyes, narrowed and calculating— a coldness that was quiet and it was a strange contrast to the range of emotions he saw at home all the time.

Both of them looked to not be much older than him. Maybe high schoolers. Jeongguk would have asked why the one who'd spoken was calling him a kid if he was brave enough.

"He asked you a question." The voice muffled behind the helmet spoke, making him take a step back and whip his gaze between the two.

"I live around here," he told them quickly. "I know the area well."

"Ah," The one with his face exposed pursed his lips and Jeongguk saw the dimples dig into his cheeks, a rather unexpected feature that made him seen kinder. "Even if you do, be more careful. We could have been anyone."

"I'm fine. Really." He insisted. Jeongguk had walked that path every night in the past month and some times before that. He knew the usual crowd that passed by wasn't one who cared for a kid like him and he was fine being by himself. It was the first time someone had stopped by him anyway.

His dad had always told him to just act as though he knew what he was doing and half the people who would try to make a fool of you, wouldn't.

"Whatever you say." The guy with his visor open flicked it down and signaled something to the one with dimples.

"Hyung, wait." The other was hesitating to follow, but sighed when the engine revved and the older, Jeongguk figured by the use of 'hyung', was shoving his helmet on and waving at him. "Get home safe."

He nodded, more confused than scared at that point and watched the two motorcycles speed away. The parts of the bikes seemed old and worn, he noticed that even in the dark, by the lack of a glisten when they passed under a street lamp. Jeongguk had picked up a thing or two watching his dad work in the garage for years.

He didn't know as much about motorcycles as cars, though, but the encounter made him curious as his pace hastened to turn in for the night.

The next time he met them, Jeongguk was falling asleep. Outside on a bench. His mother barged into the home she'd left with godawful things to say... her voice and insults towards him echoing in his ears. She'd pushed Jeongguk put of the way, slamming the front door on her way out, making his eyes sting and body stiffen in shock. His dad hadn't been home, out to buy some parts, but it left him in a house that felt too empty and quiet after she left.

He was sitting on a bench just outside his neighborhood, drained out of his mind, eyes cast up towards the night sky that was hazy like his thoughts.

Consumed in his thoughts, mostly surrounding the woman who had failed to raise him with love, left a maturing boy who was beginning to understand that there was nothing to like about her and blood bonds didn't mean much. It took a few years for the hatred to solidify over the attachment he had to what was supposed to be a loving mother.

His eyes drooped, gaze darkening over as the clouds in the sky seemed to cloud his vision, too, until he was falling asleep in the cold of night.

A hand was shaking him awake and, startled, did Jeongguk jerk away from the touch, nearly face planting when he fumbled off the bench.

"What the—" he gasped out, blinking in his state of stupor as a leather arm reached down to help him up. He took the hand, getting up and stumbling away to fix his eyes on the person who'd woken him.

It was a face that had the same cat like eyes as the guy from a few nights ago, the one who'd hardly spoken with kindness in his words.

"I thought you looked familiar." He said and Jeongguk was gulping back the lump in his throat.

"Sorry. I was just heading back home when I decided to take a break here." He glanced to the side where the second one, taller and with dimples kicked a leg over his bike to get off. He hadn't noticed their leather jackets the first time, more intrigued by the motorcycles, but the first thought that came to mind was: they look sick. In the best way possible.

"Starting to wonder where this home of yours is after finding you out on the street twice, kid." The taller one said. The younger one, he remembered. Jeongguk wanted to be tall like him. He hoped he'd grow to that height. Maybe even get stronger and gain the confidence they emanated.

"I really do live here." He tried to reason with wide eyes, scratching the back of his head, finding rather untamed hair. "I just... I didn't want to be home for a bit. I should go back before my dad gets home, though."

"Want a ride back?"

His shoulders tensed. He'd never been on a motorcycle before. He knew his dad had been when he was younger, a branch off from his love of cars. Maybe Jeongguk should talk to him about it. He hoped that would get the old man out of his ever growing slump in the aftermath or the divorce and lingering effects of his mom.

The flash of danger didn't seem too bright in his eyes. If these two guys wanted to hurt him, they probably would have the first time. And he lived close by. He could scream for help on a motorcycle.

Besides, he was thirteen and trusting of anyone who treated him with kindness after what his family had put him through.

"Joon." The older one called out in a bit of a warning tone.

"It'll only take a few minutes if he lives close by, Hyung." The 'Joon' guy reasoned. "You sure you live close?"

"It's— it's okay if you guys are busy I'll just go—"

"Goddammit, kid," The smaller guy huffed. "Get on and let's go. Namjoon, you and your stupid kindness."

"Oh, shut up." The quick bicker made Jeongguk nervously teeter as they settled back on the bikes. "What're you waiting for?"

"I've... I've never been on one."

"We're gonna be here a while." The eldest one groaned and Namjoon sent him a look.

"Listen, all you need to know is to keep your feet on these little pegs," he pointed at two small joints of metal that he extended near the engine pipe. "And to hold on to me, okay? It's not hard at all."

"Okay." Jeongguk whispered, a small tweak of excitement growing in him. Maybe he could tell his friends at school that he'd been on a motorcycle with some cool older kids. They'd probably pay to hear that story. He stepped up to the motorcycle and put his hands on the seat as he kicked one leg over like Namjoon had. He fell a little short and stumbled into a leather wall of muscle in front of him, but caught himself quickly to clamber on. His hands gripped the broad shoulder's in front of him tightly, feet pressing down on the pegs and he could feel the heat of the engine pipe near his feet.

"Sorry, I don't have an extra helmet on me, but if we're not going far, it should be okay." Namjoon called out while putting his own helmet on, flicking the visor down after shooting him an eye smile.

Jeongguk's first motorcycle ride was incredible. The feelings of it had merged into every passing time he went on one, all the same. A rush of wind, the bike's control at his hands, the vibrations of the engine coursing through him and lighting his mind up.

It simply clicked in his head and heart, it clicked like it was something he wanted to be able to experience forever.

After he'd called out directions to Namjoon, the older one close behind them, and gotten off the bike, nearly falling on the ground in a small whirl of the world as his feet came in contact with the flat ground, Jeongguk gazed at his home and then at the two guys in front of him, both seated on their bikes.

Namjoon took his helmet off and nodded a farewell to him.

Before they were on their way, Jeongguk stepped forward, calling out and drawing their attention back. "Wait! Uh, thanks for the ride. The motorcycles and jackets are really cool... Oh, and I'm Jeongguk."

"Nice to meet you, Jeongguk." Joon's smile was small. "I'm Namjoon."

"Yoongi." The smaller one said, hand raising in a still wave. "How old are you?"

"Fourteen. Just turned fourteen, actually."

Yoongi whistled lowly, "You really are a kid."

Jeongguk frowned. "Well, you guys don't seem much older than me." Namjoon told him he was about to turn sixteen and Yoongi was seventeen early next year. "So, you go to the high school?"

"Sure do. One hell of a place." Yoongi rolled his eyes. "Life's great in middle school, Jeongguk."

"I hate it." He liked his friends, but things sucked otherwise.

"Get ready to hate it more." Namjoon chuckled. "Get inside."

"Night." He waved, back stepping towards the side door of the house that he'd left unlocked when leaving.

The third time they met, was when Namjoon and Yoongi needed Jeongguk— rather than the other way around.

Jeongguk was walking home from school that day, in chilly weather that left his hands to keep warm in his pant pockets and his hood up for his ears. Halloween wasn't far away, but Jeongguk didn't have any plans for it. Maybe he could steal some of the neighbor's candy from the bowl they usually put out on the doorstep. He was still young enough to be a menace and not be told off.

He took a shortcut between two alleyways of a strip mall, which led to his backyard— blocked by a fence he usually just jumped. Just as he was slipping off his bag and throwing it over the fence, he heard someone curse and yell out something along the lines of a 'loose chain.'

Whirling around at the recognizable phrase, squinting into the distance, led Jeongguk to seeing two jackets of familiar material, black and shiny unlike the worn metal of their bikes. He hadn't seen the two guys in a while, so he wasn't sure whether to say hello or not.

In the end, he crossed the small backroad behind the strip mall and carefully walked up to them.

"Hey, guys." He tried to sound cool and collected, but the pitch of his voice still seemed to give away his lack of maturity.

Namjoon and Yoongi were quick to find the source, concern sweeping away when they recognized him.

"Jeongguk? Hey! Didn't expect to see you here." Namjoon greeted. Yoongi's glare hadn't softened, instead practically ignoring the younger guy and returning to his bike, Yoongi crouched beside the engine pipe and rear.

"Is... is something wrong?" He asked when Yoongi reached forward to fidget with something. "With your motorcycle?"

"The drive chain's loose." Namjoon sighed and Jeongguk's ears perked up. He'd mentioned motorcycles to his dad after riding on Namjoon's, to which his dad gave him a rather interesting lecture on the different and similarities of its mechanics to cars. He made the rather smart decision to leave Namjoon and Yoongi out of the conversation, unsure of how his father would react to seeking out strangers.

Dangerous, but more fun, the old man had said, in relation to motorcycles.

"I noticed the chain skipping over sprocket teeth yesterday, but made the shitty choice to ignore it." Yoongi grit out, swiping his dirtied fingers on his pants after handling the chain. "The wheel movement's too jerky to drive now."

Namjoon glanced at Jeongguk, licking his lips and smiling sheepishly. "He means that the chain's looser than you want it to be to drive—"

"I know what that means." Jeongguk cut in. "You just need to loosen the rear axle nut and tighten the nuts on the swingarm. Unless it's completely done for— which in that case, you'll just have to replace the chain."

Yoongi's head turned slowly at his explanation, brow raised, Namjoon's surprise evident, too, and Jeongguk's eyes widened as he also understood their shock.

"My dad's a mechanic." He explained quickly. "He uses the garage for repairs if you need a wrench. You should probably clean and lube the chain before tightening it, too."

"Shit, Jeongguk, you're a lifesaver." Namjoon chuckled, looking at Yoongi in relief. The eldest cracked a small smile and nodded.

"That'd be great. Can't bring it there, though."

"I can go grab it." Jeongguk figured doing them a favor was reasonable considering they'd done the same for him the last time they'd met. "My home's just across the road."

"You sure?"

"Mhm, I'll be right back."

And he was quick, knowing his dad was usually moping along in a depressive nap upstairs. Jeongguk found the wrench and grabbed other cleaning supplies, placing them in a small bucket before jumping the fence again and heading back to the two bikers.

Repairing it was smooth, too. Jeongguk was almost giddy watching Yoongi tighten the chains evenly, checking the attachment on the spokes and the stretch of the chain.

"Give it a go." Jeongguk grinned upon taking back the bucket of tools and supplies, a dirty rag amongst them. He was used to the grime. He'd wash his father's rags from working quite often.

Yoongi's engine roared to life, and he revved the engine, checking the gauges as if they would have changed in a standstill hour, before driving down the back alley of the strip mall and back.

Perfectly driven, not a hint of a mishap in the wheels' spins.

Yoongi slowed beside them and cut the engine, silence gaping in the hole as Jeongguk stared in wonder at the two wheeler, taking the knowledge he'd gained of the motorcycle's similarities to a car's from his dad and applying it to why he saw.

It really wasn't much different beside the drive chain. Balance and tire pressure overlapped in both vehicles, the condition of the tire treads and oil changes. Engine checks and transmissions.

Jeongguk found a motorcycle more manageable. And appealing. If he was impressed by one, he couldn't imagine how others would be, too. His fingers tingled thinking about the thrum coursing through his body when the engine revved, feet planted against plates to move with the motorcycle and not just remain separated within its bounds.

"That repair worked like a charm." Namjoon nodded in approval as Yoongi buried the key in his pocket and kicked the stand down to get off.

"Do you always repair your own bike?" Jeongguk asked.

"Yup. I don't let very many hands touch her." Yoongi leaned back against the seat, arms crossed over his chest and Jeongguk felt like he'd become a fan of the guy at first sight.

Everything Yoongi did oozed with a beam of stable grounds and understanding of his capabilities, he seemed to be grounded in his life and knew what he wanted from it.

That was everything fourteen year old Jeongguk wanted for himself.

"That's so cool." He whispered aloud, shaking his head and smiling at them both a moment later. "I'll get going, then. I should get these things put away before my dad notices they're missing."

Namjoon sent Yoongi a look and the older of the two's eyes narrowed at him. Jeongguk awkwardly stood there as they conversed without a word, before Yoongi sighed and stepped away from his bike.

"I'll walk you back, Jeongguk."

He wanted to object and say it was okay, but Yoongi was already walking in the direction Jeongguk had gone earlier, waiting at the fence for him.

"Uh, I'll see you around?" He said to Namjoon, unsure of what to do until the guy smiled with his deep dimples and waved him off.

"See ya, Jeongguk."

He walked up to Yoongi and both of them jumped the fence with ease, Jeongguk partly surprised by the older's mobility but he didn't bother asking. He saw his backpack on the ground, forgotten earlier and picked it up with the bucket in the other hand.

"Thanks, kid." Yoongi said quietly, voice mumbled like he didn't like wasting energy on words.

"Don't worry about it!" Jeongguk piped. "You guys drove me back that one time— and I hadn't meant to fall asleep on that bench so... thank you for that, too. Motorcycles are really cool, you know."

"I prefer them over cars." Yoongi hummed as they walked through the backyard and around to the front. "Easier to manage and great for one person."

He nodded before frowning, bucket clattering with every slight swing of his arm. "So... do you work at an auto shop, too?"

"I know someone who has one. I live in the studio above it and pay for rent by working in the shop when I don't have school."

"You..." he didn't finish the sentence, hesitating with the notion that it may have been crossing over a line to ask why Yoongi was in high school and not living with a family. Why he was on his own. "That's cool. I guess I'm the same way. Just with my dad instead of a friend."

Yoongi shot him a small look of amusement. "I guess you're right, kid."

"I'm not a kid, you know. I'm only three years younger than you." Jeongguk opened the side door, leading into the garage and Yoongi followed him in. "This is my dad's garage. You can look around if you want."

"You close to your dad, Jeongguk?"

"Well, yeah. Kinda. Not recently?" The younger huffed in his attempt to articulate it, speaking as he found the light switch and watched the room illuminate after a few flickers. The musty smell, grease and tires, was home to Jeongguk. "It's just me and him in this house now, but... he's not really here sometimes. Sometimes, I get scared of how he reacts to things and those are the times when I don't feel like I know him anymore... oh, shit, sorry. I just shared way too much."

"Well, his garage is nice." Yoongi seemed indifferent to his story and Jeongguk didn't know whether that was a good or bad thing. Maybe Yoongi understood his anxiousness to the brief moment of over sharing and saved him the trouble of comforting him, but maybe the older just didn't care.

If he lived on his own at the age of sixteen... Jeongguk was sure he'd been through something probably worse than him.

"It's older than me," Jeongguk mumbled, tossing the rag in the bin of many others, the wrench in a small scatter of other tools on the workbench, and moved the cleaning supplies back to the shelves nailed into the wall. Yoongi was gazing over at the car sitting in repair, a creeper peeking out from under the body, waiting to support a person sliding under the vehicle. "That's a neighbor's Camry. Think my dad said it's brake rotors had to be replaced. The discs that the brakes squeeze to slow down. They get worn out after a while. Nothing bad."

"Why not smooth the surface of the rotors down? Doesn't necessarily need to be replaced."

"Huh. Dunno. Maybe because they've already been smoothed once?" Jeongguk shrugged, leaning against the Camry's hood. "Can't do the smoothing thing twice so they're probably just due for a replacement."

"Good point." Yoongi nodded. The older was then tapping a hand on the roof or the car. "I'll get going, then. Thanks for the help, Jeongguk."

"Yeah, of course." He was about to say goodbye when a sudden door slam echoed into the garage. He heard a shout, a shrilly voice all too disheartening to him and Jeongguk's expression fell, content crumbling in an instant.

"What the hell was that?" Yoongi's brows furrowed, frozen halfway through the doorway.

"You should go." Jeongguk said frantically, ready to push the biker out of the garage, but Yoongi swerved out of his range of touch. "Please, just go. Everything's fine, I promise!"

"You're lying." Yoongi said instantly and the younger's ragged breath was quickening with every passing second, hands catching his pushing arms and making him useless in getting Yoongi out. "Don't make promises when you're lying, Jeongguk."

Shouting erupted from inside the house and Jeongguk fell against the wall, gripping his hair and slumping against the surface. He flinched with every crash and bang, a muffled shout of words making a cry leave his lips.

And when his name was unmistakably said, the fear bit harshly in his gut.

"Jeongguk," Yoongi had a hand on his shoulder. "Can you hear me?"

He nodded. Didn't really know what else to say.

"Who's in there?"

"My— my parents are fighting. She comes here sometimes and just— just lashes out. She says the worst things, Yoongi—"

His name came up again and Jeongguk pushed the biker away from him, stumbling towards the door because he knew it wouldn't stop until he made an appearance.

He seemed to forget about Yoongi in that moment, consumed by the scene in front of him. His father was behind the kitchen island, steering clear of an obvious spread of broken glass on the floor. His mom's hand was trickled with blood from holding the remnants of a broken glass.

Jeongguk stared, paralyzed, from the edge of the room, fearing the coming doom of them noticing him.

"Don't you hear your name the first time?" The woman threw down the piece of glass in her hand, Jeongguk jumping when it hit the wall and fell the the ground, base of the glass thick enough to not shatter. There wasn't any visible glass in between him and her, making her shoed feet easily step closer to him. "Made me cut my hand because you can't show up when you're called. I'm bleeding because of you, Jeongguk!"

"What did— what do you need?" He somehow managed to ask.

"You don't let me into this house, don't wonder where I am, don't ever ask for me around?" The accusing manipulation made tears sting in his eyes and Jeongguk watched the anger curl on her lips, brows digging in closer to one another. "You've got no love for me? I can't believe I birthed a heartless idiot. You've done nothing but drag me down, Jeongguk."

"No— no, I didn't— I didn't do that. I didn't mean to—"

"Don't say things like that, Balam," his father coughed out from his place behind the counter. Jeongguk's head filled with worry as the man clutched his chest with another cough buried in his chest. "Don't."

"Can't even get through a fucking sentence. Married a useless shit, too." His mother scoffed, attention returning to Jeongguk. "Why don't you ever ask for me here, Jeongguk?"

"You... you left and you—" he didn't think he was breathing with how tense and tight his throat was, head starting to spin. "You just always say terrible things to us and we don't want you here—"

"What did you say?" Her face slackened and Jeongguk took a step back when she stepped closer. "What did you fucking say about me?"

Jeongguk pressed himself against the fridge door, the handle pinching into his back, but he was terrified of how the woman loomed over him with venom dripping in he voice and fire in her eyes, burning him into nothing. "I'm not lying. Just go— leave us alone—"

Her hand raised and Jeongguk closed his eyes, waiting for an impact to come, unknowing of what to even expect when the woman had never physically hurt him, but he didn't end up finding out.

"Who the fuck are you?"

Jeongguk felt leather brush his nose and chin, so close to him that he opened his eyes and grabbed the material to hide in.

"Doesn't fucking matter." Yoongi was snapping back at her.

"There's a stranger in my house, Yeong! What is this kid doing here?" Balam screamed over her shoulder at his father, who was stunned into shock at the appearance of Yoongi— doing what he couldn't do by intervening between the mother and son. Jeongguk had the fleeting thought that the house wasn't hers. Not after the divorce. "Don't know who you think you are, but you're on private property. I will call the damn cops if you don't get out—"

"I'm a whole witness to what just happened, so I'd rethink that shitty threat." Yoongi's hands were on her arms and pushing her away, the rather lean woman physically moving without much force put on. "Jeongguk didn't do jackshit to you."

"Yoongi— don't do this," Jeongguk pleaded, face pressed into the older's back. In his head, he could have ruined the woman's life and Yoongi hardly knew him. Defending him was so out of Jeongguk's comfort zone when the people who were supposed to care either didn't care or couldn't.

"Get the hell out of my house!" Balam yelled at him. "I don't know what the fuck this stupid kid's doing hanging out with older kids like you, but get out!"

Yoongi didn't seem defeated in the slightest, only pissed off more and Jeongguk pulled away when the older jerked forward and hurled a fist towards the woman.

It landed on her face, knocking her head to the side and definitely starting a nasty bruise on her cheek that would last for a long while.

Jeongguk heart fell in both confusion and overwhelm at the scene, hardly getting much of chance to understand what happened when Yoongi was grabbing his wrist and dragging him out the way they'd come in.

"Let's go. You're not coming back here until she's gone." Yoongi's voice could have been an entire villain itself, so resentful and enraged that he seemed deadly. Jeongguk jerked on the hold of his wrist, but didn't stand much of a chance against the older.

"Jeongguk!" The shrilly scream came after them. "Get back here!"

"You— you punched her!"

"Yeah, you can thank me later."

"No, you— Yoongi, you hurt her!" Jeongguk ripped his hand away as they stopped on the grassy patches of the backyard. "You can't just— just punch my mom!"

"What kind of fucking mom is that?" The fumes in his voice had yet to defuse in the slightest. "And your dad just stood there."

"Yoongi, I can't just leave him there— what if she breaks more things— or hurts him?"

"And what good will you be if you're there? You'll take that pain instead?" Yoongi reached forward and took his arm. "I'm not letting you go back there until she leaves and I mean it."

"Why— why do you— it doesn't even matter that much. You hardly know me!"

They reached the fence and Yoongi stopped, staring at him hard and Jeongguk was glad that fury in Yoongi's gaze wasn't for him or he'd be shaking all over again.

"You don't ever let anyone tear you down without reason like that, you understand? I don't care what people say, but you save yourself when you can." Yoongi's hand loosened on his arm. "If you never want to see me again after today, so be it. But you're coming with me for now and that's final."

And the rest... well, the rest is history, Jeongguk pieced together. His dad's emotional dependency left him like a pawn without orders after the divorce and it took years for the older man to find himself again and be independent. It was only really after those few years did Jeongguk grow back close to his dad.

Until that time, he grew up under Yoongi's and Namjoon's wings. He understood how to put himself first and they became his best friends and family. In the winters before he got his license, they drove him to school, made sure he'd eaten and they even let him hang out with them until it was more of a trio rather than the usual duo of Namjoon and Yoongi.

They didn't seem to mind, anyway. Welcomed it, in fact.

Jeongguk saw the switch in Yoongi. The way the older hadn't seemed to really care about him until he saw that they could relate to one another. The trust Yoongi had in people was nonexistent unless they were like him, Jeongguk was quick to learn. Not that it made a difference to him. Yoongi had still helped him out of hell and gave him people to actually call a family.

Namjoon was a role model to him, too. The guy opened arms to Jeongguk early on and was probably more keen on being able to have a younger one in their close knit group. He learned of Namjoon's past later than Yoongi's. Where Namjoon dissociated from his family after they'd practically disowned him for not going down the paths they'd wanted for him. He was a much gentler and reasonable person than both Yoongi and himself, which definitely became the glue to how their relationship held strong.

They were a trio for three long, speeding years that changed Jeongguk into an entirely new person when he entered eleventh grade, license in hand with the knowledge and feel of motorcycles trained into his body after getting lessons from his two older brothers.

He'd gotten his leather jacket a year into hanging out with them, too. He wore it everyday. Entered high school with one and he made sure everyone knew he was with Yoongi and Namjoon's crowd.

They created quite the reputation. A subtle one that didn't raise many questions or unprompted involvement since they kept to themselves, but Jeongguk's confidence in himself skyrocketed into a whole other person beside the two and in his dear leather.

He worked multiple jobs where he could to get his own motorcycle, a purchase that didn't let him stop smiling for weeks. It had felt like the final piece to being the person he'd wanted to be after meeting Yoongi and Namjoon those first few times when he was younger.

Fun wise, his perspective changed hitting high school, too. Sometimes, he found Yoongi and Namjoon pressing someone up against the wall, burning his eyes with the sight of them and another student making out. They'd drink in the flat Yoongi had. Sometimes, there'd be a stranger in Yoongi's bed when he got there in the evenings.

Jeongguk grew used to it. So used to it, he began to enjoy it himself. He tried out the relationship thing once with a pretty girl in his grade, but that went to shit pretty fast, because he was the shittiest boyfriend.

After that breakup, he did flings, letting out his frustrations sexually or just when he needed to not think. He became a rather despicable person, annoying but interesting and all the more desirable as an enigma who rode a motorcycle and could screw around with anyone he wanted.

It was that third year of high school, when he had just turned seventeen, that he met Hwan.

He met Hwan in odd circumstances like his own experiences, Jeongguk noted. He'd been taking a drive through a quieter afternoon hour after school when he'd stopped by a cheap drug store to buy a soda.

Parking his motorcycle and cutting the engine, removing the muffler that was his helmet from his head, let him hear a commotion come from around the side of the store.

Curiosity getting the better of him led Jeongguk to leaning against the brick wall and peeking his head past the edge.

His brow raised, a small sigh of boredom on his tongue as he saw a kid from his grade looming over a terrified freshman.

A hand grabbed the freshman's hair, pinning his head against the wall and making him cry out in pain.

"W-What did I do?" The kid was pleaded.

The guy from his class, Grade A bully and a rather insecure dumbass, was snickering in the poor guy's face. "Look at you whining. Can't do a simple task right and can't even help crying like a baby."

"I didn't mean to! I-I swear I had the right answers!"

Ah, Jeongguk fixed the collar of his jacket as he understood what was going on. Classic advantage taking of the smart younger guy. He really wondered why the shithead went through all that trouble for a stupid math test.

One Jeongguk hadn't done amazing on, but at least he wasn't attacking a younger guy for it.

"Trying to sabotage my grades, are you?" The guy spit into the quivering boy's face.

Jeongguk rolled his eyes and curved the corner, leaning a shoulder against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest— humming softly like he was enjoying it. That was hardly the case, though.

Both their heads snapped to him and Grade A Douchebag let go of the kid, scowling at Jeongguk.

"The fuck you want, Jeon?"

"Oh, no, don't mind me." He gestured a small hand for him to continue. "This is the most interesting part of my day, Daehyun. I'd love to stay entertained."

"Don't mock me." The young guy was quickly forgotten as Daehyun shoved him away and took a step towards Jeongguk. The biker just drummed his fingers along his arm. "Get out of here— this is none of your business."

Jeongguk chuckled. Would have applauded the guy for his bright display of guts if he really cared enough. Instead he grinned and cocked his head. "It's sad, really. That you pick on little freshmen and still act like you're the shit. I bet the girls love to see you beating up someone years younger than you."

"I know I get more action than you. You hang out with college guys and hardly come to anything." Daehyun snorted and Jeongguk's eyes narrowed, taking it rather personally that he dragged the mention of Yoongi and Namjoon into the conversation. "Can't remember the last time I ever saw you at a party."

He didn't bother correcting that only Namjoon was still studying, but he bent down an inch to meet Daehyun's height, gaze flicking to the young guy pressed against the wall and watching the two juniors.

Jeongguk whistled lowly and let his voice drop. "Let me fill you in on a little secret, buddy. You know Jae? Your number one girl turned side chick."

"What about her, Jeon?" His brow twitched at the mention of his ex's name. Freshly renamed ex, too. Maybe a few days since their breakup after being a big couple at the school. 

"Hm," Jeongguk grinned and leaned forward to speak in his ear. "While you were failing that math test earlier today, I had her bent over the bathroom counter. You really think you get to talk shit when your girl came to me for a good fuck days after your breakup?"

He sent a small wink to the younger teenager behind them, whose eyes widened to discs.

"You motherfucker—" Daehyun shoved him back, ready to throw a spiteful punch at Jeongguk, but the biker was much quicker, driving his knee up into the other's stomach and causing him to double over and fall against the wall in pain. "G-Goddammit, Jeon— I swear I'll kill you."

"Can't do it from down there, big guy." He jeered, kicking a small nudge at Daehyung's foot splayed out as the guy slid to the ground, clutching his stomach. He bent down and grabbed Daehyun's collar, bunching it up. "Pick on people your own size, Daehyun. And don't bother pissing me off again."

He pushed the guy down, hearing the painful groan with a sense of satisfaction before brushing off his jacket and looking at the kid stunned a few feet away.

"You coming?" Jeongguk asked, hardly waiting as he turned and headed back for the store entrance.

Feet scrambled up to his side, a frantic expression scarring the kid's face. "Why did— why'd you hurt him?"

"He was being annoying." Jeongguk pulled open the door, glancing at the bells that jingled on his way in before bypassing the cashier without a greeting.

"Oh, um... uh, thanks. For helping." The guys mumbled, still on Jeongguk's heel. "Are you— you're Jeongguk, right?"

"Yup," he grabbed a styrofoam cup and scoured the soda dispenser's options for some classic Coca-Cola. "And you're stupid for doing that guy's work for him."

"I'm actually Hwan, but okay." Hwan mumbled, rubbing his head. "And he said he'd beat me up if I didn't."

"He beat you up anyway, Hwan."

"Yeah, I know, but more than what he just did." The guy tried to reason. "You don't get it, never mind."

"Listen, smarty, don't be an idiot. And don't just let people lay a hand on you when you didn't do shit." Jeongguk used his free hand to press the ice button and then the drink one, a thick funnel of coke fill his cup. "Also, you'd be amazed by how much I do get it."

"How would you understand?" The guy frowned, seeming genuinely confused and Jeongguk almost felt sorry for him because he wasn't going to like the answer. He'd gotten numb to the topic, grown a thick skin to the damage it'd done to him— such that he could recite every bit with a dead face and not feel a thing. "You're like... you're at the top. No one scares you."

"Thanks for making me feel like a champ. I'm flattered." He rolled his eyes, hardly caring for the unintentional praise. "And I was just like you a few years ago. Small, weak and very much a wimp."

Hwan winced and Jeongguk smiled, hardly phased as he put a lid on the cup and stuck a straw through the center. "Ouch."

"Hm." He brushed past Hwan, headed for the cashier, run by an old woman who had to be near death, memory even deader. He pulled out an old coupon from a year ago, one for a free drink, that he used every time he came in. One that worked every time because the old lady never remembered him. It was why he always came when she was working.

Hwan gaped at him as they walked out the door, whisper-yelling, "That coupon's like... expired!"

"So?"

"You can't do that."

"I can't?" Jeongguk looked at his drink, mockingly, Hwan pouting in disappointment. Jeongguk shook his head. "Real funny if you think I'm paying for this shit."

"That's bad."

"Oh, man, lots more where that came from." Jeongguk laughed. "I like you, Hwan. You know how to make me laugh."

"I'm being serious."

"Loosen up, smarty." He nudged him, leaning against his motorcycle and Hwan's eyes darted straight to it. "No wonder you get bullied."

Hwan's curious gaze on his bike faltered, eyes falling to the ground when Jeongguk spoke, like the words were a taboo in his personal dictionary. "I know. Don't need to remind me."

"I'm joking." Jeongguk slurped on his drink, eyes narrowing with his thoughts. "Just don't do that dumb fuck's homework anymore."

"And what if he threatens to beat me up again?"

"Just holler for me." He offered, though not was a rather empty offer and they both knew that. Jeongguk tossed the last quarter of his drink in the nearby trash can before looking around the corner to see Daehyun long gone. With that assurance, he grabbed his helmet from the motorcycle's seat and mounted his bike.

"Hey, did you actually have sex with his girlfriend during class today?" Hwan asked, making Jeongguk's brows raise as he set the helmet down in his lap.

"Ex-girlfriend. Not that it really matters," he admitted. "I'd probably take up her request even if they were dating."

"What? Why would you do that?"

"Because I don't care and that would be her problem."

"But, I don't—"

"You've had the sex talk, right? Birds and bees, dicks and vaginas... they should have taught you guys that shit before high—"

"Yes! Yes, yup, I know what that all means," Hwan zipped through nervously. "I'm a loser, not oblivious to human reproduction."

"Oh, hell nah. Use a condom, kid." Jeongguk put his helmet on and ignited the engine to life. "Don't go knock anyone up with a baby."

"I'm not planning on doing anything!" Hwan exclaimed, cheeks on fire, and Jeongguk grinned behind the shield of his helmet. "You're gross."

"Yeah, remind me some other time." Jeongguk chuckled. "I'm heading out."

"Wait."

He waited for a couple seconds.

"How'd you know I was a freshman?"

"Your school ID. Lanyard's sticking out of the top pocket of your backpack." It was the last thing he said before driving off.

Hwan watched him go, waving, which Jeongguk saw in his side mirror before turning into the adjacent street to head to Yoongi's.

If one thing about Jeongguk never changed, it was his observance.

It wasn't too long before he crossed paths with the freshman again. He was heading out of the building for lunch with Namjoon, passing through the crowded halls, when his name was called out.

People stopped to stare, especially when Jeongguk's face spiked with annoyance at the unexpected conversation coming his way.

"What the hell do you— Hwan?" His annoyance shifted to amusement when he turned to see the kid run up to him. "You know, when I said to holler for me, I didn't actually mean it. I got somewhere to be."

He could feel eyes on them as Hwan smiled up at him, holding a plastic box of something in his hands. Jeongguk didn't care about watching eyes. He had nothing to prove. People would probably care more about Hwan's confidence to approach him like that over anything else. Probably think he was stupid, but Jeongguk didn't mind a good laugh and the freshman usually got him just that.

Nothing about Hwan being friendly changed who he was.

"Sorry, sorry, I just, um, I saw your jacket from down the hall and thought I'd say hi."

"How cute," he tugged on his backpack strap. "But you're wasting my time."

Jeongguk turned on his heel and strolled down the hall again, headed for the east exit by the student parking when a hand tapped his arm.

"Where are you headed? You always have some place to go?"

"You know, acting like you're busy usually keeps people from bothering you." Jeongguk grumbled under his breath when Hwan's gaze didn't deter in the slightest. They definitely attracted more eyes then, with the freshman walking beside him. The Jeon Jeongguk walking with an annoying little freshman down the halls, talking like buddies. "I'm getting lunch with my friend."

"Oh, I didn't know you had friends that go here. Everyone says you keep to yourself."

"Cuz' my friends already graduated, smarty." Jeongguk shoved the exit door open, watching Hwan follow him. "Don't expect an invitation to lunch."

"I wasn't. Meant it when I said I wanted to say hi."

"You hollered my name." The biker said instead. "Daehyun bothering you, again?"

"Oh, um, his friends and him cornered me the other day. Nothing bad." Hwan's voice swooped to a mumble, a tone that hardly matched his words.

"I can see the bruise on your wrist. M'not blind."

"It's nothing!" Hwan piped, sounding more sure that time, but Jeongguk was hardly impressed. "Just grabbed my arm a bit too tight."

Jeongguk let the topic drop. Maybe he shouldn't have. Maybe he should have seen the signs much earlier. But who was he to judge the kid's defenses?

"What's in that box of yours?"

"Huh?" The freshman glanced down at his hands, laughing almost a bit too brightly when he opened the lid and showed him. "Oh, I just made some cookies. Do you want one?"

"You made cookies? What are you— one of those people that celebrate Christmas before Halloween even passes?"

"I was bored on Saturday." Hwan held the box out to him. "Take one. I brought them for anyone to have."

"There's so many better ways to spend your Saturday." Jeongguk rolled his eyes while picking out one of the treats. He hesitated before taking a bite, then followed through and ate some. Chocolate chip. Classic. "Why's your box full? If you made them to share. Which is a mistake, by the way. Should have kept them for yourself and your friends."

"I don't..." Hwan slowly closed the lid just as Jeongguk's bites slowed, ever observant of the solemn mood consuming the kid. "I don't have... well, no one wanted my cookies. Daehyun and them were making fun of me for it, actually. That's why— the whole bruised wrist thing."

"Well, the more for you and me, then." Jeongguk shrugged, though parts of that felt all too familiar. He'd numbed himself to his own pain, but it was startling to hear the story of such loneliness in a place with others mirror in someone else. "I can take some for my friend. He'll love the cookies."

"Really?" Hwan's smile was weak, but better than nothing. "Uh, sure. Take as many as you want."

"Sick." Jeongguk grinned, rubbing his hands together greedily which made Hwan giggle. He really had to meet Namjoon before his next class, though, or he'd miss a test he was surely going to bomb. "I gotta go, smarty, but get something to eat, okay?"

"You got it."

Hwan turned to head back inside first, which Jeongguk couldn't blame him for as the air was a bit chilly as they approached October.

"Hwan," he called after the younger. Wide eyes met his from fifteen feet away.

"Yeah?"

"Say hi to me in the halls more often! Whether Daehyun's after you or not."

Hwan hurried back into the school with a big smile on his face that day.

A couple months passed by, life fairly normal for Jeongguk besides the addition of Hwan's usual greetings and walks between classes. He was surprised they crossed paths so often and didn't realize. Or the younger was going out of his way to make it seem like that.

He liked the small guy's presence. It was almost comforting when Hwan reminded him of himself in some ways. More often than not at least. Jeongguk was never smart like him, so that was a difference. He always told the kid he'd definitely land some big university outside their small town.

Jeongguk was ditching class one day, only a week after winter break, headed to his usual bathroom to go fuck a pretty guy desperate for something up his ass (who'd sent him looks from across the lunchroom and dropped a terribly disgusting note in Jeongguk's lap) when he heard crying coming from inside.

"I swear if I'm about to fuck an emotional wreck..." he didn't have the patience nor did he give a shit about someone's bad day to deal with a sob fest in the only bathroom where he knew he wouldn't get escorted out by some hall watch.

He cracked the door open and gazed inside when he heard talking cut through the cries, heavy gasps of air being shoved inside someone's lungs.

"What the hell?" Jeongguk murmured, pushing the door open more when he saw the familiar figure crouching in the corner of the bathroom, hands scraped up and face splotched with black and blue, tears and flushed cheeks from crying. "Hwan?"

He was talking to himself. At least trying to. Mentioning things about hearing and seeing and keeping his eyes open, what he could feel. Jeongguk was more confused over anything else.

"Hwan." He repeated.

Whatever Hwan was saying to himself seemed to work, his chest's hastened expansions slowing to a more normal pace, his tense adrenaline rushed actions calming to something more controlled.

But the absence of that adrenaline left him to slump against the wall and be energy-less. Entirely drained of all strength and a shell as a body.

Jeongguk heard the door open, scowling and walking to it. The guy he was supposed to meet there was standing outside the door, a grin curving his lips, but Jeongguk told him to fuck off and slammed the door on his face, locking it.

When he caught sight of Hwan again, the boy was crying, shoulders jumping with every sob that shook his hands, legs splayed out in front of him as he tried to swipe at his nose, only to hiss in pain from the bruises littered on his skin.

Jeongguk knelt by him, pulling the smaller hands away from Hwan's face and promoting him to meet his eyes. "Hwan, what happened?"

"I've— I've never heard y-you so serious— I—" Hwan choked up on another curl of pain, coughing and Jeongguk grabbed the water bottle in his side pocket and offered it to him. "Thanks."

"What were you telling yourself earlier?" He hoped getting the younger to talk helped relax him a bit.

"It's, uh— h-how I calm down— sensory control— I don't know..."

Jeongguk had his fair share of panic attacks or just an utter overwhelm of emotions earlier in his life, having grown up going through the extremely draining experience one too many times. He never seemed to understand how he got himself out of it, usually blacking out from the dizzying effect of it all, but it hadn't happened in years.

The fact that Hwan had taught himself a way to keep it in check was both painful and impressive to the biker.

"How often does this happen?"

"What?" Hwan tried to rub his eyes, tensing when he hit another bruise before letting his hands fall into his lap in defeat, sniffing and letting his head rest against the wall.

"These panic attacks."

"More often than they used to." He whispered.

"And the bruises?"

"More than before." Hwan shook his head, crying again a second later, softly that time. "Why— why am I his punching bag? What did I-I— I swear I didn't do anything to him, Jeongguk Hyung. I swear—"

"I know." Jeongguk reached a hand forward and flattened the strewn strands of hair sticking up in every random direction on the freshman's head. "I know, Hwan."

He was pissed inside, keeping the anger to himself instead of showing it to the younger. He'd been a punching bag, too. Verbal, albeit, rather than physical, but the pain was the same. The demoralization and scars it left hurt either way.

Jeongguk's tongue raked the inside of his cheek, thinking of a million ways to knock some sense into Daehyun. Maybe it was an extension of what he'd never been able to do to his mother. Stand up to her. She barged in every once in a while, but Jeongguk was hardly ever home anyway. Between working, school, helping his dad in the shop and hanging with his biker friends, Jeongguk didn't have much time to stick around for the bitch's complaints.

Hwan was like Jeongguk all those years ago. And Jeongguk knew he was Hwan's Yoongi and Namjoon, necessary to get him out of there.

Daehyun always got away with shit, too. Being a big name and influential in the school. All the odds were against them. It was always pit against the most undeserving people.

"I'm going to kill him." He muttered, about to stand when Hwan scrambled forward to grab his hands.

"No! N-No, please don't go! Please— I— don't go, Hyung." Hwan tugged him back, making Jeongguk's deadly glare shift to one that was distraught. "Just stay here— please. Don't leave me alone."

"Okay, okay." He said, holding onto Hwan's hands like it was a foreign gesture. In fact, it was to him when Jeongguk never held anyone's hands. He thought it was nice. The way he could feel Hwan's trembling ease off the longer he held them, the tightness of his hold revealing the pulse that slowed with time.

The warmth and comfort that seemed to hug Hwan with the simple touch said more than what Jeongguk's payback on Daehyun would have ever accomplished.

He learned that physical pain wasn't the way to let off steam that day. And seeing the aftermath of Hwan's pain led him to hold onto the lesson forever. Where he stopped involving himself into a fight of hands.

The problem with Jeon Jeongguk was that he didn't know how to care like Hwan's sweet nature did effortlessly.

His whole life was spent in broken relationships with his home and the personality he'd come to have with the influence of his best friends was awfully independent. Sure, the three bikers were connect by deeper means and emotions, but they never spoke about them. If they did, it was a brief moment of comfort or a distracting outlet to get their minds off of things.

So, in conclusion, Jeongguk was jackshit with caring about people and having to express it all the time.

Hwan... he was delicate. Which Jeongguk didn't see as bad besides his constant encouragement to find ways around the weakness or trying to crush it all together. To treat it like a fear, go little by little until you're stronger than it. Like he'd done for himself.

But Hwan wasn't fascinated by motorcycles and leather jackets or the confidence Jeongguk had. He just saw Jeongguk as someone who cared for him when no one else outside his home did. It was the stark contrast that created a rift between them that Jeongguk never could have predicted be the last bit of his life without fear.

They were sitting at a lunch table. Eating. All was well. They were fairly quiet as Hwan drilled through his notes for a chemistry exam he had the next period. Jeongguk had told him in advance to never ask for his help.

Not only because he refused to look at more schoolwork than his, but because he'd definitely end up ruining Hwan's grades more with his advice.

"You've eaten like three bites of your sandwich, smarty."

"M'gonna eat. I promise."

"You're not gonna keep that promise." He rolled his eyes.

"Shush and let me study, Hyung. This test is important."

"Every test is important to you. You're a freshman, Hwan. Those grades literally don't matter."

"You say that as if you care about your grades as a junior. I'd say that's the most important year."

"Don't tell you you're already thinking about college, too." Jeongguk groaned, feeling mentally strained by the initiative Hwan took to be a good student.

"Don't tell me you haven't." Hwan shot back.

He grimaced and dumped the core of his apple into the plate of trash after finishing his meal. "Since when have you been so annoying? I swear you used to be nice and offer me cookies. Now, I just get insulted."

"I got you cookies yesterday, Hyung."

"Not today, though."

Hwan laughed quietly before falling silent again and Jeongguk sighed, partially giving up on his attempts to make the younger put his food first.

"Do you think think about the future, Hyung?" Hwan asked when he closed his notebook ten minutes later.

"Nah."

"Why's that?"

"Dunno, smarty."

"You should."

Jeongguk scoffed. "Do you?"

"We always talk about me." Hwan frowned. "I'm curious about what goes on in that empty head of yours."

"Hey, you little piece of shit." Jeongguk glared at him, Hwan grinning and playing with the pencil in his hand. "This empty head doesn't have to think. It's got everything going smooth and well."

"That's not an answer." The younger objected. "I mean... what do you want to do with your life? You're going to be a senior next year, Hyung."

"I'll go to community college. Get two more years to think about stupid adult shit."

"Okay. That's a start."

"This is already making my brain hurt, Hwan."

"And that's just sad." Hwan tapped his chin. "Okay, what about... your friends. You always hang out with Yoongi and Namjoon, but I don't know anything about them."

What was there to tell?

"What do you want to know?"

"I don't know. Do they act similar? What are their hobbies? Are they crazy like you?"

"They drive motorcycles and have leather jackets." Jeongguk huffed, not sure where the conversation was going, but he wasn't sure if he was going to like it. Especially, at the place of the cafeteria lunch table.

"I already knew that."

"Why do you care what they're like?"

"Do they know about me?" Hwan asked instead.

"Well, yeah. They know of you."

"Really?" The tip of excitement in his voice was amusing, Jeongguk had to admit. "That's cool."

"Hm. Sure."

"Can I ask something?"

"Have you not been asking things this whole time?" Jeongguk muttered, playing with the peeling edge of the table's rubber seal. "Whatever, ask."

"Why do you hangout with me? Or help me, for that matter."

He stilled, fingers freezing and letting go of the scab of rubber. His eyes remained fixated on the table's cheap top, drilling holes into the surface with his eyes.

"Why does that matter?"

"It just does." Hwan leaned forward, face hopeful. "You helping me seems to be the only good thing happening right now, Hyung."

And that, someone putting their happiness on Jeongguk, depending on him for something he didn't know how to handle himself— emotions— was nerve wracking and the lack of control was something he hadn't felt in years.

"Don't do that." He grit out. "I'm not some beacon of good and happiness, Hwan. You can't just— just... I don't want to be the reason you're happy."

In his eyes, that was a burden, a responsibility that Jeongguk didn't understand. He didn't understand what it meant to be someone's happiness. His form of happiness was growing up and maturing under his friends' guidance. Driving motorcycles and fucking around was fun and made him happy, but not a physical person.

He never put his happiness on a physical person he controlled it with things that couldn't just leave him.

"...what?" Hwan's voice cracked in the doomed whisper he spoke in. "You don't— what do you mean?"

"I meant what I said." Jeongguk felt tense and uncomfortable. He hated the feeling. He hated being on edge. Anger, he could deal with. Nervous and unpredictable circumstances was the biggest no for him. "You can't make me the reason you're happy, Hwan. I'm not... no, just no. I don't need to explain myself."

"No, you do. Because you make me feel better and make my life less shitty, Hyung. I thought..." Hwan's voice turned desperate in seconds and it was all too familiar. When Jeongguk would pin his happiness on a hopeless dream of his family actually being good like the perfect ones he'd see on the television. A hopeless dream he'd forgotten a long time ago in favor of never being associated with the woman in his life.

He stood up abruptly, the screech of his chair on the tile floors of the cafeteria attracting some eyes. "No. Don't put the responsibility on me. I'm not someone who can make you happy, Hwan. I'm not. I hardly know what that is."

"W-Where are you going?" The broken tone of his voice was painful and Jeongguk hated feeling the guilt. He'd felt enough guilt with his mother's words, he'd done too much to not feel it again just to have it all cycle back because of a kid in his school.

"I need some space. Away from whatever this is, Hwan."

Away from you, Hwan.

At least, that was what the younger took it as.

One of the biggest counterfactuals that ran through Jeongguk's head whenever he thought back to Hwan, when it poured in the rain and he was delved into a deep moment of painful remembrance, was the lack of knowledge he had at the time.

He always wondered that if he knew that Hwan was still being torn down when Jeongguk wasn't at his side, if he'd known that Hwan was hanging on by a thread, the last strength of that thread being Jeongguk himself, would things would have turned out differently?

Because Jeongguk was so independent, that being alone wasn't a feeling that consumed him. Tore him inside out and left him in shreds.

Most people around his age weren't like that. They hadn't had the life experiences he did to grow up and fend for themselves, emotionally more than physically, but maybe the emotional side of things overruled the physical.

Especially when the final break in one's mental capacity could end it all.

He was packing up his bag in his lunch break, having some math work that he had bs'ed at the last second for credit, when an unwanted figure was slipping into the seat across from him.

Jeongguk didn't bother giving Daehyun any attention at first. Not until he did a double take to realize the guy was soaked head to toe, dripping and grinning wickedly like the Cheshire Cat itself.

"You go dancing in the rain, Daehyun?" Jeongguk muttered, zipping up his bag and sighing. "Seeing you so smiley around me is crazy."

"Oh, you're gonna eat your words, Jeongguk." Daehyun chuckled. "You finally let your guard down and I could get back at you for all the stupid shit you've done to me."

"Didn't realize my guard was ever up, asshat." Jeongguk stood from the table. "I'm headed to class."

"I never thought you'd make a friend out of my favorite freshman, Jeongguk."

The biker stopped in his tracks. The passing period was almost over and the cafeteria was practically cleared by then, leaving them both ample room to spread the conversation over multiple tables rather than one.

"I'm not friends with any freshmen."

"No? Huh, I guess you haven't been hanging around Hwan very much this past week, have you." Daehyun propped his chin on his hand, dripping water onto the floor. Jeongguk's eyes narrowed on his hands, busted and coated in diluted blood. He glanced at the rain pour visible through the cafeteria windows and then back. What the fuck? "Considering that small fight people saw you have here last Tuesday."

"Why are your hands fucked up?"

Daehyun stood and held them out in front of him. "Are they? Damn. Didn't realize I hurt myself, too."

...too?

Jeongguk wished he had put the pieces together much sooner than that. All the talk about Hwan. Hurting someone else. The drenched state of Daehyun.

Jeongguk rushed forward and grasped Daehyun's shirt collar, bunching it in his hands and speaking lowly. "Where the fuck is he?"

"Now, you care? I heard you told the guy to leave you alone."

"I asked you a damn question, Daehyun. Don't make me ask twice."

"He's in the building, Jeon." Daehyun shrugged, pushing him away and slicking back his dripping hair. "Followed him up earlier, but it's been a bit so I dunno if he stayed there. Have at it, though."

The biker was off and running down the halls, his mind working better than it had all day to put the pieces together and find the only stairwell that led up to the rooftop.

He'd been on the rooftop a couple times. More when Yoongi and Namjoon still went to the high school. They'd hang out there, where it was quieter and secluded.

Jeongguk didn't know how Hwan had found the entrance to it, but it was the perfect place for Daehyun to do whatever he wanted.

The sound of the rain grew louder and louder as he raced up the flights of stairs, though the sound was dulling in his ears as they coursed with his deafening blood flow and thumping heart.

That was when he let himself question why he was chasing after Hwan. The same guy he didn't to attach an emotional label to him, the same guy who he'd forced himself away from.

Yet, Jeongguk had found a bit of happiness in Hwan, too. Someone who cared for his feelings even if they were sparse and let them have conversations Jeongguk didn't have with anyone else.

And with that, Jeongguk finally understood the weight of the mistake he'd made.

Worse than any weight of emotional responsibility Hwan could have even tagged to him.

The door was thrown open at the top landing, water trickling into the stairwell from its exposed state. He shrugged off his leather jacket and backpack, setting both on the landing before stepping out of the sheltered space and into the rooftop grounds.

"Hwan!" He yelled, voice getting lost in the downpour clinging to every inch of his skin in seconds. "Are you here?"

Jeongguk saw him before he ever got a response.

To the right of the entrance, Hwan was crawling towards the parapet of the space. Jeongguk felt frozen as the rain drowned out his audial senses and numbed his touch. He saw blood stain the concrete floors, the rain washing it around as more dripped from whatever injuries Hwan had endured.

One of the younger's arms was limp, shoulder socket screwed up and blood was being washed away from the corner of his mouth. His pants were ripped at the knees, the joints scrapped up and bleeding a terribly bright red that sparked the cries unfreezing Jeongguk.

Hwan was grabbing the ledge to push himself up to stand when Jeongguk was moving again, taking a few steps forward but slowing again when his attempts felt like treading through the thickest mud.

"Hwan!" He called out and the boy's gaze snapped up to him.

"J-Jeongguk— Hyung— no, no— you shouldn't—" Hwan doubled over the parapet coughing onto the wide ledge and Jeongguk's eyes snapped wide at the splatter of blood that hit the concrete.

Hwan's eyes snapped shut when he saw the blood, covering his eyes with his usable hand and crying more.

"Hwan, you need medical attention." Jeongguk said to him, maybe ten feet away. He didn't feel like he deserved to be close and that he should wait for Hwan to come to him. To want to come to him. "Let's go, I'll call emergencies and they can help."

"N-No. I'm not— not—" Hwan was suddenly holding himself with his good arm and swinging one leg up to the ledge, placing it down firmly and then the other.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Jeongguk mind went blank. He suddenly couldn't breathe.

"Hwan, get down from there." He said, hands out in a form of surrender. A surrender of everything that was important to him for everything important to Hwan. Because what he was seeing, was not happening. It wasn't. It was all a mistake he could fix. "Sit down and put both feet back on the roof. Hwan, listen to me!"

"S-Stop, Hyung. Stop." Hwan was crying, body shaking as he balanced himself well with his two feet and one hand, the other dragged down by gravity as it hung loose.

Hwan's eyes met his and Jeongguk felt everything within him crumble into ashes.

He'd never seen the boy look so broken. His eyes blurred by hot tears, burning his vision until he probably couldn't even make Jeongguk out. But Jeongguk felt his hands shake as they stayed out in front of him, his steps ever so slow as he approached Hwan.

What hurt the most was that Jeongguk didn't see fear in Hwan's eyes. Rather, pain. Just the most heart aching pain that made him give up on everything good, when everything good had given up on him.

"Come on, Hwan," he pleaded, not even caring for what he said anymore. "You— you still haven't been on my motorcycle. Your cookies— I want them again— don't do this, Hwan, please..."

Jeongguk's vision was blurry, cries leaving his mouth as Hwan smiled wearily at him, like a daze in some reminiscing ray of sunshine in his last bit of rain.

He was maybe a few feet away. He could grab Hwan. Jeongguk had to.

"Thank you, Hyung." The younger croaked, laughing painfully so, and mixed with his sobs.

"P-Please, Hwan. Get off the damn ledge," Jeongguk felt his lungs squeeze painfully tight, breaths shuddering out and lips quivering as the cries broke his voice into pieces and fragments. "I'm sorry— I know I make you happy and you make me happy, too, so— so, please... please, just step down from there— I'm not letting you do this— I won't—"

Hwan began to stand, wobbling in his stance and Jeongguk jerked forward to grab his hands. They almost slipped through in the slick of rain, but he encased his hands around the boy's arm. Hwan let out a cry, a pain somewhere in his body enhanced as Jeongguk became his only tether to the roof, body tipping too far back off the ledge to stand upright on his own.

Hwan's feet were teetering on the edge, both their breaths nearly screams as Jeongguk fought against the weight and slippery disadvantages alike.

"I won't let you— you can't do this!" Jeongguk shouted. "You— you're going to go t-to college and have a future, smarty. There's so much— s-so much you haven't— haven't seen and you can't—"

"S-See them all for me, Hyung." Hwan hiccuped, crying but still smiling that Jeongguk was still the last person holding him there. "See everything and live happy for us, okay?"

"Your family. Your parents, Hwan, you—you can't just leave— come on, let's go back— back down a-and get you help and get you home—"

"It's not your fault, I promise. This has been my wish for months and you actually helped me stay a bit longer," Hwan squeezed his hand, voice thick and muddy and his hand squeezing Jeongguk's was the only notion that he was trying to hold on as much as Jeongguk was begging him to.

"Thank you, Jeongguk."

Jeongguk remembered how everything left him with those words. His ears rang from how much he screamed as Hwan's fingers uncurled from his and slipped through the gaps of his hands, Jeongguk losing that warmth and comfort that had given the younger peace. His head spun as he reached out to Hwan, who disappeared past the ledge and after Jeongguk scrambled forward to see, Hwan was laying on the ground, limp and gone, rain hitting his skin as blood pooled around his body.

He collapsed onto the ledge for a moment, scraping his hands as they pulled away from the concrete and he stumbled away from the edge. He saw how the blood on the parapet had gotten on his palms, the rain washing it down his wrists and then dripping off his elbows.

Jeongguk fell to his knees, crying and torn apart by the blood on his hands that should have been a boy in his arms, safe and sound. Not gone forever.

He didn't know how long it took to tell the surfer sitting in front of him. He didn't know when he had started crying, when he'd ended up being pulled into Taehyung's arms, head on his chest and body caved in; when he'd actually finished unlocking every piece of his traumatizing past, leaving himself shattered in front of Taehyung.

Taehyung's hand was running through his hair, the warmth enveloping him as he buried into the elder's hold, the only sound being his struggling words past the tears and the crash of waves.

He wasn't sobbing, it was nothing so viscous he couldn't breathe or control himself... it was simply slow quiet, sniffs and shaky exhales the only sign of something other that complete emptiness.

Taehyung started crying as well, he realized. And this time, Jeongguk knew it was because he was sad, too. It wasn't an easy story to tell, nor was it easy to hear.

Jeongguk stayed there, though, curled up, small and weak. He stayed there for longer than he had wanted, because he had to.

He hadn't unlocked those memories in a year and a half and it was haunting to relive them. But then, in Taehyung's arms, everything quiet and still, he felt as though the worst was over. He'd done it, he'd shared his story with the person who deserved to hear it to the most.

Jeongguk felt the arms around him hold steady, hold onto his leather as he held onto Taehyung.

Taehyung didn't say anything for some time, but his tears would hit the side of Jeongguk's face as they hugged one another, tears mixing, hot and cold, tired and hurt. Jeongguk wasn't sure if he was ready to see Taehyung's face and look into his eyes.

Eyes that reminded him an eerily amount of Hwan's and everything he was striving to be. Loved and wanted. Eyes willing to look deeper into Jeongguk and find a kindness that everyone else looked over.

One arm was around his waist and Jeongguk sucked in a sharp breath as the surfer's thumb was swiping at tears staining his cheeks, fingers tucking around his jaw to hold it gently.

He closed his eyes as Taehyung nudged his face upward and stroked his cheek with the pad of his finger, ever so delicate.

"A year and a half since you've told anyone?" Taehyung finally voiced.

Jeongguk nodded, words not forming. Taehyung let his hand fall from his face in favor of hugging him close.

Jeongguk didn't know how he felt. It was the most quiet his head had ever been when he'd been thinking about Hwan, but maybe it was because of the absence of rain. He didn't know if he liked that, but he didn't think about the weather much because he was grateful for the hands around him, keeping him warm when the memories chilled him inside out.

"I'm so sorry, Jeongguk," Taehyung whispered, words brushing his ear as Taehyung's head slipped off his and their chests pressed together in an similar fear of pain. With one arm hugging his waist and the other hand on his head, Jeongguk pressed his face into Taehyung's shoulder, hoping it would dull the echoes in his head, the crash of the shore reminding him of how he'd crashed onto the rooftop after the hand slipped from his.

His head dipped to bury his face below Taehyung's chin, feeling the heartbeat pulse through the older's shirt. Jeongguk felt Taehyung's soft heartbeat, willing for his heart to settle and match it. His eyes stung and lids drooped, closing as the tears slowed and he simply rested his head against Taehyung's heart, breathing deeply for fresh air.

Taehyung was scratching the back of his head, fingers running through his hair and it helped him realize he'd done it. He wasn't alone in his nightmares anymore.

Taehyung's lips were pressing on the crown of his head, lingering before pressing down again and then replaced by his chin as he tucked Jeongguk into him. Every comforting kiss on his head made him feel a little warmer inside, heart aching for more the second Taehyung stopped.

"Do you want me to say something? I'd like to, if that's okay." The older asked carefully and Jeongguk's head bobbed once. He'd appreciate something to listen to. He'd appreciate listening to anything Taehyung gave him. The surfer's heartbeat, voice, breaths, or care.

He could feel Taehyung smile and he nodded again like it hadn't been conveyed the first time.

"I'm proud of you, Jeongguk." Taehyung whispered, genuineness pouring out in the words, and Jeongguk couldn't say he was expecting to hear that. He'd always thought people would either pity him beyond means or be disappointed in him for what he'd said and failed to do. But... but Taehyung was proud. "I'm so proud of you for telling me. Proud of you for trusting me and listening to yourself when you wanted to be heard."

Jeongguk felt his breath stagger, stunned to get a reaction that he'd never even considered if he told someone. It made him see how deep the denial of goodness was in his chest. How he'd led himself to believe he'd never have someone who was so good to him.

He was so glad Taehyung never stopped trying to get him to let it out.

"I'm really proud of you for making him happy, too." Taehyung hummed. "You'd been through a lot before Hwan, and to be so sure of yourself such that you were friends with someone who no one else looked twice at... that's amazing. And I know you understood him. How it felt to be lost."

Jeongguk felt the crippling change on his chest, like the words hurt because he hadn't done enough; he'd still messed up in the end. If he understood Hwan, he shouldn't have left his side.

Guilt. There was just so much guilt in the memories. Guilt he'd escaped when he'd built up a strength to his mother, and guilt that returned when he didn't stay close enough.

He pulled away and reached up to hold Taehyung's face. He slowly opened his eyes and met the older's, shaking his head in disbelief that there was truly pride in there despite all the mistakes Jeongguk had made.

"You helped him more than you realize, Jeongguk." Taehyung smiled. "You have to understand that. You made him happy when he wasn't. That's more than anyone could ask for. Trust me, I would know."

Jeongguk slumped forward, letting his forehead press against Taehyung's for the countless time that night. He could feel Taehyung's breath on his skin as much as his touched Taehyung's tan. It was a moment of freedom, for the biker, because he knew Taehyung wouldn't lie to him. Knew he wasn't because the older's eyes spoke the same words.

"You can't blame yourself when he was thanking you until the end, Jeongguk." Taehyung whispered, holding Jeongguk's wrists and running his fingers over the leather arms. "If you listened to him when he said to see the world for the both of you, why wouldn't you listen to him when he said it wasn't your fault?"

"Then, why did he leave?" Jeongguk found himself rushing to say after a long break of silence. His voice didn't feel like his anymore. So torn and vulnerable.

"I can't say, Gguk," Taehyung answered. "But he was probably happy he got to say goodbye to you. It's not easy saying bye."

A tear left his eye again, and Jeongguk's fingers shook as they held the sides of Taehyung's face. Taehyung was whispering sweet things to him, trying to coax him steady.

"I-I didn't want to say bye, Tae— I didn't want to and— he left me. He just left—"

"I know, Gguk, I'm sorry." Taehyung pulled him into a hug again and Jeongguk liked the squeeze of Taehyung's tight hug. Like he was supposed to just stay still and feel it and sink into reality.

Jeongguk began to think that, maybe, it all happened for a reason. Maybe he'd met Hwan to find a new kind of take on life, to carve a whole into his heart for someone else to fill when he left Jeongguk that day. Because Jeongguk wouldn't have ever met Taehyung without everything that happened.

He would have never gotten on his bike in that rain and drove so far that he found the shore. Never would have had Mr.Tuan help him that day and become attached to the beach where he'd come to spend his next two summers at.

He would have never met the surfers after dragging Yoongi and Namjoon out there with him, and he wouldn't have been at the shore to save Taehyung that day in the storm had it not been for Hwan.

So maybe, just maybe, his heart lightened and a smile found a place on his lips. Because Hwan had led him to saving another person's life. Hwan had led him to Taehyung, someone Jeongguk had done so much thinking about that the surfer was on his mind more often than not.

"Thank you." He turned his head to kiss the skin just under Taehyung's ear, holding him with more certainty and returning the force of the hug.

Because everything that happened in his past, every choice he made and didn't make, all led back to the reason he found someone who was so real and so promising.

Taehyung— someone that made Jeongguk happy and good.

And good reminded him of a hand. In another light, a measly gesture that was simple and didn't have to mean much, but Jeongguk had lost his hold of one hand to find another waiting for him.

Hands comforting him with every brush of a fingertip and squeeze of his shoulder.

He'd always been scared of feeling the ghostly chill of rain and fingers slipping away. He was scared of losing such a touch again. Losing the person that hand belonged to.

But he wasn't alone in his head anymore. His head wasn't only consumed by someone who he could never see again, but also by someone who was right at his side.

His isolation to the pain was over. He found the good in what had always felt beyond bad. Every negative reaction he perceived to be the end result to his nightmare had been proven wrong as Taehyung held him closer and didn't push him away.

There was some good.

He thought about his tattoo, the feather slowly falling and morphing into free birds.

Feathers were chained to the ground by gravity, they had nowhere to go but down and down until they were muddled in the dirt.

Trapped and only moving in one direction when they were alone and just a feather.

But together, making up the wings of a bird, did breaking free from such a trap prove possible.

Jeongguk had felt like a plucked feather when his family fell apart, building a ground underneath the feather to keep it from falling more instead of building himself back up to fly again. And after Hwan, he thought he'd never feel free and be that bird again.

He'd always wondered about the day he would stop enforcing his ground and let himself be a living person again. To feel a bird's heart beating rather than be its lifeless feather. To find a future that he could fly towards.

A moment he honestly thought he'd never get.

But, somehow, it was there. Right then and there— in front of him.

He had rid himself of the suffocating chains he forced himself under and he could feel some real happiness again.

And so, he flew a bit higher, wanting to replace the chilly memory of ghost hands in his with something good, too.

He gently entangled Taehyung's hands in his, heart stopping at how it felt- warm and alive.

❧ ❧ ❧

jk pov won by a landslide in my instagram poll so hope it was okay!!

sorry this chapter isn't 100% of the quality I would have liked for it to be, but it kept getting harder and harder to write because parts of it are so personal (the explanation will be in the end notes when the story is completed). thank you for loving something so special to me!! <33

y'all wanted more yoongs/hoseok interactions so i will try my best B)

also i don't know shit about auto maintenance, but i sure can research (my poor search history is just all about automobiles now HAHAHA)

zero context clue for the next chap: it happens :D LMFAOO STAY TUNED ILY ALL♡

✵ NEETO ✵