a/n: tw for aquaphobia

❧ Withering Feathers ❧

There was something about a near death experience that could change one's perspective of life entirely. As had Taehyung's.

What had felt like freedom splashing his skin one day, was suddenly chains dragging him under the next.

What he had once wished to do all summer, he hoped to stay a safe distance away from the entire time.

The idea of facing a fear was suddenly so off putting. He couldn't bring himself to even imagine walking into the edge of the water. Surfing? It felt like trying to climb Mount Everest without equipment. Impossible.

"Good morning." Jimin's raspy morning voice floated in the bedroom air and Taehyung looked back behind him from his spot seated at the studio set up— where he had been watching the blank surface of the canvas with an empty mind.

Taehyung smiled and slowly rose to his feet seeing the cute half-asleep state of his best friend. Jimin's hair was disheveled, small fingers rubbing his eyes awake as the blanket remained twisted around his body, coating him like a cloud.

"Morning, Jiminie." He settled on his half of the bed, tugging the blanket higher up until it reached the older's chin. Jimin pouted in gratefulness, the morning goosebumps having been noticed by the observant artist. "You sleep well?"

Jimin snuggled closer to him, head ending up on Taehyung's leg and the younger chuckled, running a gentle hand through his friend's light locks. The elder left out appreciative breaths as his voice dipped tiredly.

"Slept well," he mumbled. "You?"

"Me too." His voice was soft as well, lips pursed at the untruthful words he'd just spoken.

"Don't lie, Taetae," Jimin tapped Taehyung's leg where his head lay. "You wouldn't be up this early without reason."

Taehyung shifted slightly, causing Jimin to lift his head and look at him. The elder cursed under his breath upon seeing the discomfort etched on Taehyung's features. Jimin immediately took the artist's hand and squeezed.

"Talk to me."

The younger pinched his eyes shut, breath staggering in memory of what had kept him up all night and ruined his smooth sailing of the dreamworld. "Nightmare."

Jimin braced himself on his hands and sat up, an arm immediately wrapping around Taehyung's shoulders and hugging him close. The younger shuddered as soft tears welled in his eyes, head buried in the smaller boy's neck.

"You should have woken me up." Jimin murmured into his hair, his arm feeling secure around him and Taehyung relaxed in his hold. "What was it about?"

He waited a few moments for his heart to slow even five beats per minute, focusing on his breathing and the warmth Jimin's hug produced; he waited until he convinced himself that the cold below the ocean depths was far away. "Drowning."

Hands grasped the sides of his head and pulled them away from the safe keeping of Jimin's shoulder. Jimin's thumbs soothed over his cheekbones and the elder stared into his eyes, trying to rid Taehyung's of any doubts, of any remnants of the nightmare.

"You're safe now, Taehyung." Jimin whispered, his head tipping up to press soft plump lips over the canvas of his forehead, a shiver running down Taehyung's spine at the words. "Wake me up if that happens again, okay?"

He nodded wordlessly and frowned as Jimin pulled away to slip under the covers, lifting the comforter to gesture for him to lay down as well. "I don't know if I can sleep again, Minie."

"Don't have to," Jimin shrugged, grabbing his arm and pulling it gently until Taehyung did lay flat on his back, curled into Jimin's body warmth. "Just relax for a bit, close your eyes and just relax."

"You just want someone to cuddle." Taehyung smiled as Jimin giggled sweetly while pulling him close.

He did as he was told, soothed by the arm around his waist as Jimin shifted into his side and quickly fell back asleep. Taehyung's teary eyes let a drop escape as he stared at Jimin's unconscious figure beside him.

His smile fell as the sound of the ocean crashing replaced the space in his ears. He tried to focus on Jimin's arms holding him on the bed, keeping him away from the ocean's grasp, but he kept seeing the nightmare flash behind his eyes every time he blinked.

Standing at the edge of the shoreline, the water reached inches from his toes, until a wave larger than he had expected came and engulfed his feet.

The recession of the tide would drag him with it, pulling him into the deeper waters and collapsing his lungs, breath eased away in a slow painful death.

No savior, no inked back hauling him to safety, just him lost in the ocean.

He had waken up just as his eyes closed for the final time in his dream. Cold and sweaty, his lungs expanding rapidly as he gasped for air. He was never actually under water but the nightmare felt so real.

Taehyung had scrambled out of bed at the crack of dawn, throwing the sheets aside as if it were the wave flooding him. Sinking to the ground, hand gripping the ledge of the dresser for some support, Taehyung leaned back against the side of the bed, caved in on himself as the ice cold of the floor seeped into his shaking skin.

He was scared to sleep, scared to relive the scene because he knew that the nightmare wasn't planning to fade in vigor anytime soon.

So he stayed there, hiding the truth from Jimin, knowing he'd never be able to wake the elder up for his draining nightmares.

If he couldn't enjoy the time at the shore, he had no right to take that away from them. Why worry them? Why make them feel guilty for something out of their control?

"Enjoy for us both, Jimin." He whispered against the blond strands tickling his chin, voice drifting into the safe air of land, distanced from the dangerous tides crashing in the horizon.

~•४•~

Taehyung swayed nervously at the Tuan's dock, legs splayed out as he leaned back on his palms. The sun bit down on his head, the grainy wood scraping his fingers, as he sighted the boat sputter out water and cut through the small waves.

His heart was heavy in his chest as Hoseok waved at him from the back of the boat, the artist raising a hand on return. The diner was just a hundred feet away, the end of the beach calmer and sporting deeper water that allowed a speedboat to be run.

He should have been on that boat, too, but that wasn't even remotely possible.

It simply hit a deep root in his soul to watch his fearful mind push him away from the deep waters he had come to love over everything else for the entirety of his childhood.

It was afternoon and he'd spent the past two days watching every person he came across, searching for anyone he could coin as a plausible owner of the tattoo.

Amongst the neighbors, mingling with diner customers, and even battering frustratingly at the bikers whenever they were around, Taehyung found zero candidates that he believed would have the heart to save him in a dangerous storm.

He sighed and leaned back, laying down on the rough dock. He felt so useless but warm from the sun, the feeling like a forbidden hug as he shielded the rays with his outstretched hand, palm blocking the direct star as light seeped around his fingers. The storm had passed fully the day before, leaving the crystal waters and bright daylight behind for them to enjoy.

Well, somewhat enjoy.

A shadow suddenly casted itself over his idle figure and Taehyung let his hand fall as the body shone as dark as a silhouette.

"Tae? What are you doing?"

Taehyung gasped and quickly sat up as Mark moved around to sit beside him, confusion rolling into his eyes at the younger simply laying on the dock.

"Hi, Hyung." He smiled and nudged the dancer with his shoulder, Mark chuckling before frowning again.

"Why aren't you out on the boat, too? You love boat rides." Taehyung bit his lip and ripped his gaze away, instead trained on the boat far away, a mere blob speeding with a trail of white.

"Why aren't you with them?" He shot back, jokingly.

"I gotta head out in ten," Mark explained easily and Taehyung internally groaned, knowing he'd be expected to also give some reason. "You avoided my question. Are you still feeling ill?"

So that's what Jin and Jimin must have told the Tuan's yesterday when the two surfers had visited them. Taehyung shifted with the disturbance to his peaceful thoughts as the fear invaded him within. How was he supposed to explain that?

"I'm not sick." He mumbled and Mark's hand was on his forehead with disbelief. "Seriously, I don't have a cold."

"Then why aren't you on the boat?" The older's voice was consumed with worry, knowing that an evasive Taehyung was a hurting one. "What happened, Tae?"

"Please don't." He pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them in his arms, Mark leaning away like he had been stabbed himself.

"I'm sorry." The elder murmured and Taehyung winced at how guilty Mark felt. "Was it something I did?"

"No!" He immediately protested the doubt in Mark's mind. "No, absolutely not. Don't think that."

"Then what? Taehyung, I'm confused." Mark put a hand on his and the younger flinched, ducking his head at the warmth that shot up his arm. "Are you not allowed to tell me?"

"How much did they tell you yesterday?" Taehyung asked instead, causing the exasperation to dig deeper on the other's face.

"They said you went surfing in the storm and felt ill afterwards— that's why you stayed home and rested for a while." Mark hummed and stared at him like he expected some correction. "That's not what happened is it? You're usually perfect after surfing in the rain."

That man knew him so well, it made his chest swell dangerously. Mark didn't see him like that, and yet his heart betrayed him.

"No, not exactly." Taehyung left out a shaky breath and turned his palm to hold the dancer's. Mark frowned and stared down at their hands placed in each other. They were just there, against each other, without the extra intwining of fingers, like it wasn't right.

"Tae?"

"I did go surfing in the storm. That morning. That is true." His words were choppy like the waters that day, throwing him around like a rag doll.

"But...?"

"I drowned."

Taehyung's lungs shuddered for air as the words took his breath with them. Mark's face fell into one of horror.

"What?"

"Hyung—"

"Oh my god," Mark's voice was hardly there, gears spinning and Taehyung fell silent watching him think, take in what Taehyung had just said. The detrimental effect of what he had just said. "You almost died, Taehyung— what the hell, oh my god."

"Mark Hyung, someone saved me and I'm okay." Taehyung offered as empty reassurance. It wasn't very assuring to the dancer, though, not when Taehyung was fearing a venture in a speedboat.

"Taehyung," his voice was pulled like his heart and the younger looked at him with pained eyes. "You're not okay. I know you're not. I'm so sorry that happened."

"Don't be sorry," Taehyung felt the guilt weigh down on him. "You haven't done anything. It's the water that did."

Understanding wasn't reaching the dancer's brain, his brows furrowing. "The water..."

"I'm not going back in it."

A statement. Not a thought. No 'I think's or 'maybe's. When the truth hit Mark, his eyes shot wide as he stared at Taehyung in utter shock, eyes wide and lips parted with his hand slipping away from the younger's.

Mark had only ever known a Taehyung who loved the water more than anything else in the world. Loved the water like it was the best friend to his soul. And now... he was being told that the surfer was abandoning the ocean to fear.

Mark's hands shook as they reached up and wiped Taehyung's slow tears digging into his cheeks. The touch on his cheeks felt so undeserved. Taehyung wished he hadn't had to give up his precious ocean for the new touch the elder was giving him. It just felt wrong.

"I'm sorry, Taehyung. I know how much surfing means to you." The elder whispered, hands falling into his lap, still stunned by the truth of the whole situation. "But... the water... never again?"

The younger didn't answer. He didn't want to. It was an assumption he didn't want to confirm or deny. Not yet.

"Don't worry about me, Hyung," he smiled softly and hugged Mark. The elder held him gently, relaxing in the warmth that Taehyung masked over the dreadful conversation.

"I will worry, I'm your hyung and I care about you more than you realize, Tae." The man shook his head against his shoulder, pulling away to look at him and Taehyung smiled softly. "I'll be here if you need. I'll keep you company on the shore while they go out, alright?"

The words warmed the edges of Taehyung's heart.

He cares. Mark Hyung cares a lot.

"Right now, though, I need to head out to the studio." Mark was attempting the lighten the conversation and Taehyung was grateful for the distraction. "You want to get out of here and come with me?"

"Your dance studio?" He perked up, knowing he hadn't seen the beach's city in years. His shoulders deflated as he remembered his blank canvases standing on the easel at his home. "I can't today, I need to get started on my paintings."

"Damn," Mark huffed. "I wanted you to meet Jackson after so long."

"Jackson." Taehyung repeated. He had heard the name before. He had seen the face once before, too. He admired the friend of Mark's adoring personality of goofiness and great ability. They danced together at the studio Mark then worked at. "I remember him."

"I mentioned to him that you were back in town and he wants to meet you as well." Mark pouted in thought. "I'll get him to come down here and say hello."

"I can go with you some other time?" He offered. Mark smiled and ruffled his hair, nodding eagerly. Taehyung stood and walked with Mark to the diner lot where the elder's car was parked, hoping to see him off. "How is Jackson anyways?"

"Good as ever!" The dancer gushed. The excitement of Mark's voice, unlike any other time he could have heard it, cut into his heart. "He's so amazing at dancing, 'ya know? Teaches with me now and hell, I should learn from him."

"He was super talented when you guys put on that little show years ago." Taehyung giggled softly as Mark turned and slapped his arm in remembrance. "What about non-dancing things? Has he changed at all?"

"He's buff and my height," Mark laughed, the sound making Taehyung soar in the clouds and the words dragging him through dirt. "Super funny, too; he never lost that humor." The dancer sighed dreamily and that's when Taehyung knew he was screwed. "He's just a great person and we've gotten a lot closer over the past couple of years."

Taehyung couldn't help but note how the timeline of his and Mark's drift corresponded with the two dancers getting closer.

He also noted how Mark talked about Jackson the way he talked about the dancer. That excitement and bubbly laughter, eyes lost imagining them... Taehyung was, infact, screwed.

"Well, I'll see you in the evening." Mark saluted him a smile, before reaching out of the car window cutout and resting a hand on his shoulder. "You're strong, Tae, remember that. I'm still sorry about the surfing incident, but you're right. I can't change what happened. I can just be here for you, so get ahold of me when you need me."

He bid Mark a quick farewell, feeling defeated that the last words were just a reminder of reality.

Yet, it hurt him because he felt like Mark was slipping from his grasps, too. His mind was spinning with so many thoughts, but one thing was so clear.

In prior years, Mark wouldn't tell Taehyung to ask for help, he would just do it. The artist wasn't sure if it was because of their gap and distance, but Taehyung knew, deep down, that he wouldn't be able to work with that.

He wouldn't ask anyone for help after learning of independency and if he absolutely needed it, he'd become reliant on those closest to him noticing and taking action to help him on their own.

It wasn't fair to anyone close to him, but he wasn't one to go and ask for anything more tha a hug. Sometimes that was enough, but many times it wasn't.

Taehyung left the diner lot as well, tracing his way down the sidewalk and back to his home. He let himself in and trudged upstairs to his room, hoping to sit in front of the canvas and get to work.

And he did.

He sat.

But he couldn't formulate a single idea that was good enough to even plan. His pencil simply hovered over the open sketchbook he was going to sketch out a rough draft in, creativity blocked like a dam to water.

All he saw was a mix of the dark ocean and feathers, wings drowning in the endless tides. He saw his hyungs surfing while he said hopelessly on the sand. He saw mango smoothies thrown on leather. He saw Mark Hyung's face, but he saw it distorted with unrecognizable features. His Mark wasn't the same anymore.

He closed the sketchbook with utmost frustration, grabbing his personal diary, hidden away in his satchel, and deciding to write instead.

Where his paints failed him, his words would not.

—

Mark Hyung,

All those childhood years of joy and careless fun were spent with you making a place in my heart. Taking those precious feelings and making them yours.

I would sneak out with you even if my parents did hate it because...

Because I felt free.

Its different with my three best friends. They know me away from the beach, they live in my life in a place where you haven't. You know me only in my happiest moments, every summer, the month spent with the ocean. You make me feel free.

You're like a mirror for me. You remind me what's here beyond surfing, the people, the sunshine, the greasy diner food. You show me how happy I can be when life back home destroys it.

I saw myself in you, my feelings for you deeper than friendship.

But, of course, I remain doomed.

You express similar feelings for another body, another person who has you wrapped up and close to their heart like I have you. Only, you reciprocate their hold.

You've changed. We have changed.

The person who understood me without asking, the person who would sneak out at night and wade in the dark water, the person who I would feel like a bird with— soaring high and away from my parents' judgement.

That person doesn't fly with me anymore.

Have your wings withered away, such that you're grounded with a new person on Earth?

All I wanted was for our wings to grow and soar above all things that drag me down like chains. An escape from it all.

Like how I've chained myself from the ocean, I shall chain myself from you. I can no longer be who I was with you, because you will have changed and my mirror will show me someone who I am not. To that, I must adapt and change myself to match your image when I am with you.

We can't be the same people, the same birds, we once were.

—

He had felt that divide in their first conversation that summer, where he had lied to Mark about his relationship with his parents. It was a tension that only grew with the way they buried their problems instead of acting on them.

Taehyung sat slumped on the stool, lowering the pencil and putting the diary away, the fiery need to relieve some frustration relaxing as his words remained engrained on paper.

He could think more clearly, find some direct train of thought to listen to.

He was okay.

He would be okay.

He wasn't really losing Mark. The elder would always be there for him, but Taehyung knew his feelings would never be returned without heartbreak and rejection.

He was strong. Mark had said that, and the elder wasn't careless with his words. It made him believe he could overcome whatever he had been tested with the past few days.

He hoped the answer wasn't never. He hoped he could get back into his feet and regain his friendship with the ocean. Someday.

Maybe with someone who he wouldn't be taking precious time away from by asking for help.

Unknowingly, Taehyung had written of withering wings and soaring high above the world.

Withering feathers and soaring birds... how similar does one find that to be like the ink our savior had permanently painted onto his back?

❧ ❧ ❧

What do you think of Mark?? Also thoughts on our savior person??

It's been a while since an update, but I hope you enjoyed! Things will pick up soon, I promise :)

There's a lot of small details in this story that were poorly executed the first time, so while it may take time to get to the fun stuff, I know it'll be worth it! Hang in there with me ♡

Thank you for 200+ reads ♡

^^im soft, 200 reads a year and a half ago ;-;

✵ NEETO ✵