4. Deep Conversation

Maybe watching a dramatic movie while also feeling like shit wasn't exactly the best idea, you had been crying for what seemed like hours when in reality had been less than five minutes. "Why did they kill him? He was my favorite character." You sobbed as you stared at the computer's screen where you could see the credits of the film. "If they don't revive him in the sequel I swear to god." You muttered.

"Who?" You jumped startled as you saw Mikasa entering the room, she looked rather happy for someone who had just spent her entire day in school. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

You snorted as you laid back on the mattress. "Don't worry, I didn't even hear you get in."

She hummed and then sat next to you. "Are you feeling better?" She touched your forehead for what felt like the millionth time that week.

"I don't have a fever." You pouted. "But yeah, I'm feeling a little better... I guess." You mumbled like a little kid, you didn't want to worry her but at the same time, you knew that feeling better meant that you had to leave your room and try to go back to your daily routine, which wasn't exciting at all if you thought about it. "How was your day?"

Mikasa smiled. "It was very good, honestly."

You frowned. "Jeez, I guess I should stay home more often then-"

"Suck it." She playfully hit your arm and you giggled. "Oh, by the way, Professor Jeager stopped me and Jean to ask about you."

At those words, your cheeks got flushed in a second, your heart pounding in your chest.

You had received his mail and decided to reply with something easy, but that had made you feel both better and worse. Better because he still cared about you, worse because at that point you really didn't have any other excuse to talk to him. It was either get back to the professor-student relationship or cross that line you had mentally traced as soon as you had started to get more friendly.

But at that moment, hearing her say that, you felt happy.

"What did he want?" You tried to sound confused, you didn't want to let her on something. "I've already sent all his assignments." You muttered looking away.

"Don't be so cold, he was just worried since you've been so busy with his work." She caressed your shoulder and you felt like letting out a scream of joy. "He's so sweet and caring, you should come to his next lesson and thank him." She proposed and you forced a small smile.

"Yeaaaaah, great idea." You nodded. "I'll make sure to do that, maybe even buy him a bouquet of flowers and a cake." You joked.

But when you looked at her, you noticed her serious glare and you stopped immediately. "Why do you antagonize him? He hasn't done anything if not helping you."

She was so damn right, but if you didn't antagonize him it would turn into something that wasn't appropriate at all, but you couldn't tell her that. "I know, it's just school, you know." You took a deep breath and sat up. "I'm so sick of this, studying is just not my thing, I'd rather do something else."

"Like all those paintings on our walls." She pointed at all the drawings that you had hung on the walls, you giggled a little and she rolled her eyes. "You know you're great at what you do, once college is done you'll be free to choose what to do."

"Right." You nodded. "Well, for now I just want to relax."

She shook her head. "No can do, Jean has basically begged me to bring you to a party tomorrow night." She poked at your arm and you frowned. "It's one of those parties that are questionable and very illegal, usually I'd disapprove but you need some fun, so I'm coming with you."

The idea of a party didn't look too bad, it had been a long time since you had drunk some alcohol and danced with random people you didn't even know. "Ugh, if Jean really insists, I guess I have to go." Mikasa chuckled a little and you hugged her tightly. "Thank you."

"Please, I don't organize all my notes to see you give up and be so miserable." She pulled away after a moment and got up from your bed. "I have to do my homework now, let me know what you want for dinner later." And with that, she got out of the room.

It was one of her habits to study in the small living room you shared, it was basically one with the kitchen but she said that it was more comforting than staying in the bedroom.

You sighed in relief and went back to your movie, the credits had ended and you really needed to look up on the internet the existence of a possible sequel, but as you closed the movie window, you noticed an unread email. You frowned and opened the app hoping you didn't forget any important assignment, you weren't in the right mood to write an apology.

But what you saw was totally different and unexpected, it made you hold your breath as you read it.

From [email protected]:

Hi, I'm sorry to bother you, I know you have a lot going on... but I was wondering if we could talk? I wouldn't write you like this if it weren't important and, right now, I feel like you're the only person who would actually listen to me.

Please don't misunderstand this and don't feel pressured into doing anything you don't want to, I'll understand.

Eren.

Well, there wasn't much to say about that. If you compared it to one of your emails from him, you would've said that it was as if another person was writing to you. But one thing was clear, there was something wrong, he sounded so anxious and sad, that you wondered if he had something else going on.

After his father's death, what could've shocked him so much to mail you out of all people? But again, he had helped you when you needed it, it was only fair for you to do the same.

That was what a good person would've thought, but you were an egoist when it came to this and thought that it was the perfect excuse to see him and hear his raspy voice talking to you about everything and anything.

You gulped as you replied, you told him that you would've gladly talked to him and you gave him your phone number, it was stupid, but he had basically asked you for it a while back. At first, you thought it would be a bad idea because it was too personal, but at that point, it didn't even matter anymore.

After just a few minutes, your phone started ringing and you looked at the screen, your heart beating so hard that you could feel it clearly. "Hello?" You answered the unknown number, but you already knew who was calling in the first place.

"Hi, I hope I'm not bothering you." His voice didn't sound like the one you were used to listening to, even over the phone, you could tell it was breathy and cracking.

"Nope, I was just in the middle of looking for another movie to cry to, so if anything, you're saving me from an evening in tears." You joked and hoped that it would make him at least smile a bit. You heard him chuckling on the other end and your whole body felt lighter. "So... you want to meet up somewhere? I'm here with my roommate right now so..." It was a way to tell him that you couldn't talk freely, and also because you wanted to talk face to face.

"Mhm." He paused for a moment and you hoped he would mention dinner, you had been daydreaming about going on a date together, maybe laughing while enjoying a good meal. "How about coming to my house? I know it sounds bad, but I can't really think of going somewhere public to talk about this."

You hummed and thought about it.

If you had drawn a line before, now it was almost completely gone. "I mean... depends..." you trailed off unsure, it was common sense for anyone to never go alone to someone else's house if you didn't know them. But then again, Professor Jeager wasn't that kind of man, was he? If he really wanted to do something to you, he would've already, he had had many occasions and you kind of trusted him. "Where do you live? I don't have a car so I can't get too far." You explained.

You heard him sigh. "Yeah, that was kind of rude of me, but I can give you a ride."

You pressed your lips together. To trust or not to trust? But most importantly, how could you explain to Mikasa your sudden need to go out and probably stay out for some time? You were used to telling her everything about your day, you didn't like lying or keeping things from her.

But that was something too big to be told to her, she would've freaked out, both in a good and in a bad way. To be honest, you didn't know if she would've given you the "it's dangerous" talk or if she would've gotten mad because she liked him too. At that point, you didn't want to risk anything.

"That's fine, I'll send you the address."

"Alright, I'm on my way."

He ended the call and you got up from your bed, you sent him your address and looked at yourself through the mirror. You were wearing your usual pajamas, but that wasn't good to go out. So you grabbed the best pair of jeans you had and then started to look for something that could match them.

It was hard, but in the end, you opted for an oversized t-shirt that didn't look too casual but also not elegant. You quickly put on some makeup so that you could look a bit presentable and then walked out of the room. "Do you want pizza tonight?" You asked as you grabbed your bag and put on your jacket.

Mikasa raised her head from her books to look at you. "Sure, are you going out to buy pizza?"

"Yup, well, I want to have a walk and then I'll buy it." You sighed and then faked a smile. "I was sick of staying on that bed and smelling." Thank god you had a good deodorant and some perfume since you didn't have enough time to have a shower.

Your friend nodded. "If you want I could come and-"

You stopped her immediately. "No no, you have a lot of homework as it is and it's gonna take me a while, I need to clear my head a bit, get some inspiration for my next artwork, you know." You explained as you put on your shoes, you checked your phone and noticed a text from Eren telling you that he had arrived.

"Alright, don't worry. Whatever kind of pizza is ok with me."

"Great, see you later." You waved your hand and walked out of the apartment. You basically ran out of the building and got into the car parked in front of it. "Hi, sorry for the wait." You said once you were in and with the seatbelt on.

Eren offered you a small smile and then started the car. "Don't worry about it, I'm the one who should apologize, I ruined your great evening." He joked and you giggled a little.

"Right, how can I live now that I can't watch another dramatic movie to cry." You mocked him and then sighed leaning against the seat. "I hope I didn't make you worry too much, Mikasa told me you asked about me." At that point, you just wanted to tease him a bit.

He cleared his throat and shot a glance at you. "I just wanted to know if you were ok, did that weird her out?"

You smiled, he really had no idea, did he? There were many voices about him, but none of them called him a weirdo, more like a hot and datable man, a prohibited dream if you could say. "Nah, she wouldn't think that, you can rest assured." If he had been any other professor, she would've probably found it pretty strange. You guessed that Eren really had a pretty privilege with his students. "By the way, before going back I need to get some pizza since I promised Mikasa to get pizza for dinner."

He frowned. "Do I need to drive you to her place?"

"We live together, didn't I tell you that?"

"No." He shook his head, but to be fair you had never mentioned Mikasa in front of him for many reasons, but mostly because you didn't want him to get the wrong idea and also because you didn't want him to know about her crush for him. "But that would make a lot of sense seeing how close you two are and the assignments you sent in the last time."

You giggled. "Yeah, I'm sorry about that... again."

"That's in the past, we said we wouldn't bring that up anymore, didn't we?" He parked the car in his small garage and then turned towards you. "Here we are, make yourself home." He got out of the car and opened the door for you.

You walked inside the house feeling a little anxious about the whole situation.

What could go wrong? You were at your professor's house, nothing suspicious, right?

Yeah, right. You wanted to slap yourself and tried to remind yourself that it wasn't like that. You were going to talk like mature people, nothing weird nor illegal about that in the first place. "So, what happened? I mean, you sounded pretty nervous earlier on the phone." You sat on the couch in his living room and looked around. The place looked pretty clean, but you didn't expect any different from that guy, just looking at his notes you could tell he was pretty organized.

"You want anything to drink?" He asked before sitting next to you, you refused politely and he sighed. "I don't really know where to start." He rubbed his hands on his cheeks and you tilted your head confused. "Remember when I told you about my family?"

You nodded, he had briefly talked about that one time you went to a cafe together, but from what you had understood both his parents had died, his mother when he was only 10 years old, then his father passed away a month ago. "Did something else happen?" He didn't mention any other relative so you weren't sure about his family situation.

He nodded. "Do you know that there'll be a new substitute teacher since Hanji can't come to school right now?"

You stopped to think about it. "It's not a surprise, she's always absent anyways, that's the main reason why I've chosen her subject for my second extra course." You shrugged, many people were already aware of that, students were quick to give out this kind of information so that many people could sign in and pass the subject easily. "What's wrong with the new substitute anyway?"

Eren didn't really know how to put it, he was still in shock himself. "He's my half-brother." He blurted out and you froze on the spot, he looked at your confused yet surprised expression and chuckled. "Yeah, that's exactly how I looked."

"Woah." You whispered. "That's a lot... you didn't know about him...?" You were careful to ask since you knew he was sensitive about that topic, you'd be too.

"I didn't, I never even suspected that my father could..." He groaned loudly and leaned against the couch, he looked as if he was going to cry any moment, not to mention the way he was just looking into the void. "Ugh, I thought it could be a coincidence that we had the same last name but he then asked me to talk in private and explained that he was looking for me since he was aware of our father's new family."

You didn't know exactly what to say, that had never happened to you and you weren't sure how to comfort him at that point. "I'm sorry professor-" you started but he started to laugh amused.

You blinked confused as he kept chuckling. "You don't have to call me professor, we're not at college and not even in a school-related situation. You can just call me by my name." He smiled a bit and sat closer to you.

You pressed your lips together and thought about it. First name base? That was even worse than going to his house, the line you had drawn seemed to become thinner by the moment, you were worried it was going to disappear pretty soon. "Eren." You said with a careful tone, but you liked it, the way his name slipped through your lips so easily. "I'm very sorry about what's going on, I can only imagine how hard it is and I'm not sure what to say either." You murmured. "But I'm here to listen if that could make you feel better."

He looked at you softly, his eyes were so deep that you almost got hypnotized by them. "You know, I think you're the best student I've ever had." He joked and you felt your stomach tingling at those words.

You giggled. "That's a lie, but I'll take it." You had to remind yourself that you weren't the best when it came to grades and participation, so his words were clearly just a way to make you feel better. "But maybe the new substitute just wants to get you know better like family, wouldn't it make you feel better to have someone you can call brother?"

He tilted his head. "Do you have any siblings?"

"No, I'm an only child, but I've always wanted to have a brother, that's why I'm saying... maybe you should try to get along?" You offered a small smile and he scooped closer to you with a curious stare. "I mean, having a brother could benefit you in many ways, don't you think?" You asked with a shaky voice, your hands were trembling as you noticed how close he was getting to you.

Eren was staring at you with such an intensity that was making you a bit nervous. "Perhaps, I'm not sure, to be honest, the idea of getting close to someone who has been hidden from me all this time makes me feel a little uncomfortable."

You could see why he felt so hesitant, if you had been in his shoes you would've probably felt sad, angry, and even betrayed. "I can only imagine, but your dad's now gone and it's not your brother's fault that he had another family, besides, you told me that your father stayed with you all your life so he probably didn't even know the man." You did something that shocked the both of you as you placed your hand on his shoulder as if you were trying to comfort him.

You stared at your own hand and widened your eyes, why was that there? What the fuck.

His eyes shifted on your fingers, he could feel your hot skin even if his arm was covered by his sweater, it was as if your touch was enough for him to forget what he had been talking about till that moment. "You're probably right." He whispered and you backed away a little.

You cleared your throat and looked away, you weren't sure what to say to fill that awkward silence, but you couldn't even look him in the eye at that moment. "Do you remember..." You started shyly. "When you asked me if I liked studying and why was I in college if I didn't really want to?" He nodded slowly, his gaze fixated on you and it felt so intense that it made you shiver. "Well, I don't like studying and if it were for me I wouldn't be here, my parents made me apply to college saying that they would support my dream to become an artist only if I graduated in economics first. They're probably thinking that it'll make me realize how stupid I was and I'll decide to work in an office just like them."

"I had a hunch." He scoffed and placed his hand on your head, that gesture alone made you feel small butterflies in your stomach. "You know, I always thought you were more on the artistic side, but I wasn't sure since you always dodge every question." He then slowly slid his hand down to your cheek, your breathing stopped in your throat, and you felt completely hypnotized by him. "We're really two big messes."

You both chuckled silently at that comment, it was so comforting and nice to have someone like him who could talk to you and comfort you for the smallest thing. During class, he looked so composed and cold, but the real thing was so far from that. "Thank you." You whispered, your noses were touching and you could feel his hot breath hitting your face.

It was so... hot, you could feel your entire body burning up, but the moment you realized what was going to happen if you didn't stop immediately, it happened. Your lips touched for a brief moment, it was nothing more than a small peck, yet it shocked both of you so much that you had to pull away.

You stared at each other in shock, both your eyes widened and the tension was filling the silence. What did you do? That was the only thing that you could think of, but that was the point. You had done it. So what now?

The answer was easy: you both moved back closer and this time it wasn't just a small touch between your lips.

Your hands gripped at the collar of his sweater while his arms surrounded your waist and pulled you as close to him as he could. Your mouths were moving together though they weren't in perfect synchro, you could feel an electric wave invading your whole body.

How long had you been waiting for this to happen? In the back of your mind, you had to admit that you had been feeling that way ever since you started getting close to him. And now he was embracing you and it felt like heaven.

His tongue brushed against yours, his hands squeezed your hips, his scent was all over that place and you couldn't seem able to push him away, to stop and come back to your senses. No, you were too deep in that kiss to think rationally. You could feel his skin under your fingers, it was driving you crazy.

He bit your lip and you let out a small moan, it surprised you but what shocked you, even more, was the loud groan you heard from Eren, as if he was responding to you. He slowly made you lay down on the couch and you didn't protest, you wrapped your arms around his neck to keep him close and kept kissing him, not wanting to break apart from him, your fingers running through his hair and making a mess of his little bun.

As soon as you two stopped to breathe, you could tell that he was feeling exactly what you felt, his eyes were sparkling with something you weren't sure how to interpret, lust? Maybe something more? You didn't know, you could only hear your heartbeat pounding in your ears. He was topping you and it was making you feel so vulnerable under him.

"Eren." You whispered as you placed your hands on his cheeks, caressing his skin as he closed his eyes to relax under your touch. You admired his handsome face for a few seconds before realizing that the man you just made out with was your professor and you were doing something not only morally wrong but that you had promised yourself not to do. "W-What are we doing?" You suddenly sat up and he widened his eyes. "This..." You looked at him as he did the same sitting next to you.

He lowered his head in between his hands and whispered to himself. "Fuck." His voice sounded agitated and you gulped trying to compose yourself. "I'm so, so sorry." He then turned to face you, it was awkward that you didn't really know what to do or say. "I didn't mean to do it like this." He sighed.

You frowned confused. "Like this? Eren, I'm pretty sure this shouldn't have happened in the first place!" You exclaimed and then got up from the couch. "This is wrong, very wrong, I thought it would get weird but I really wanted to keep... whatever this is as a platonic thing." It felt amazing, yes, but that couldn't be a good reason to do it again. "I mean, I don't know, I just didn't want to get to this point like this."

He looked shocked by your words. "Wait, wait." He stopped you. "I mean, we kind of had it coming, don't you think? It's a bit late to think about the professor-student dynamics here."

Deep inside you knew he was right, you couldn't say that you were totally clueless about what was going on between you two, but damn you had hoped not to ruin that strange friendship between the two of you. "I know, but still." You snorted. "I- I don't want this to repeat."

He grabbed your hand suddenly, his thumb caressing the back of your hand softly. "Don't say that, please."

You looked at him straight into his eyes. "What are you saying? You thought I was going to... have sex with you or something? Is that why you got closer to me?" Your voice cracked at the end, the thought of him doing something like that made you sick to your stomach, you really hoped he wasn't that kind of person.

He got up as well, his height now overpowering you, he was still holding your hand just as sweetly as before and you couldn't help but admire him for how handsome he was. "No! Jesus, I would never, I've never even thought about it that way. I just- I really care about you, not only that, I really like you and there's nothing platonic about that." He told you with a serious tone, as if he was making sure that you were aware of it.

It made you skip a beat, hearing that directly from him made you feel so confident and weak to your knees. How could he be so honest about it when a relationship like this could ruin everything, your reputation and his career. "Eren." You snorted moving away from him. "No, just no." You shook your head and you could see clearly the teary expression on his face. "I-I'm sorry, but this could be a big problem for the both of us."

He stepped forward. "But you do feel the same." It was supposed to be a question but for some reason it felt as if he was telling you what you already knew.

Of course you liked him, it was so obvious and anyone could've noticed if they knew what was going on. But could you give in? What was that in the first place? A crush on a professor wasn't something too weird, there were many cases of students getting crushes for their teachers, but having a relationship was another thing. Crushes could come and go, a scandal was forever, were you ready to take the risk? "Mhm." You cleared your throat. "No. I'm sorry, but this is not gonna happen, I just... I don't feel that way about you and I think it would backfire on both of us." Your stomach closed at those words, they didn't feel honest at all but you hoped they were enough to discourage him.

He wasn't saying anything, now what? You could've just walked back home alone, it was going to be a long way alone, but it was so weird to ask him to get you back after rejecting him. "I see." He sighed. "That's ok, I don't want to push you into anything." He forced a small smile. "Thank you for coming here and hearing me out, I'll drive you to the pizzeria you mentioned earlier, if you want."

You nodded a bit. "I'd love that."

"Alright then." He grabbed the keys from the small table in front of the couch and you both walked out and got in the car. You were quiet as he started the car, it was awkward and uncomfortable, but most of all, you felt guilty for hurting him and lying like that. "I hope you don't feel too weirded out, I'm really sorry and I don't want to make you feel bad or something, I'll always be here for you."

He must've felt so confused, at least that was what you thought seeing how you first kissed him and then pushed him away. Hell, if you had been in his shoes you would've made a scene because of all the mixed signals that were going on. "Same here." You almost whispered. "Don't worry."

He looked at you with the corner of his eyes but didn't say anything about it though it was clear that you weren't your usual self, you were too shy and it was rather weird to him because he was used to your chatty self. "Which pizzeria? I know one right behind your apartment."

"Oh yeah, that one is perfect, thank you."

He drove you off to the pizza place and you got off. "I'll see you in class, yeah? I hope you'll attend this time."

You didn't know if it was an ironic comment or if he was being serious about it. "I'll be there. Thank you for the ride, bye!" You waved your hand and walked away, but you were starting to wonder if you could really attend his classes and pretend like nothing happened.

Once he drove away, you could finally catch your breath, you felt as if you hadn't breathed in years even if everything happened in less than 20 minutes. It felt so surreal, you had wondered what you felt for Eren for the last few weeks, but now you were wondering if you could turn off whatever you felt about him. It was so stupid, really.

So you ordered your pizzas and patiently waited for them to be ready, but the feeling of your lips against Eren's ones was still there, you didn't want to but you kept rethinking about that scene.

As soon as the pizzas were ready, you quickly walked towards home, you just wanted to go to sleep and forget about everything that had happened.

"Dinner's ready!" Was the first thing you exclaimed once you opened the door and got inside, Mikasa was still at the table where you had left her and she was reading a book, probably studying something. "I hope you're hungry, because I am."

She smiled and started to put away her things to make space for the food. "Took you a while, did you have a good walk?" She asked softly after you both sat down.

"Yeah." You said without even looking at her in the eyes. "I just wanted to have some fresh air after staying closed in our room for so long."

She nodded and you started to eat immediately. "Well, I'm sure you'll feel much better tomorrow, I know how much you love partying and having fun, that'll definitely cheer you up." She commented and you could only nod because your mouth was full of pizza. "Woah, were you that hungry?"

"Why?"

"You're stuffing your mouth and you usually don't do that."

You shrugged. "I need my strength back." Or more like you were eating your feelings away. It was something that happened many times when you were anxious or just bored, but you had tried so hard not to fall back into that bad habit of yours. "I'll need it for tomorrow."

Thinking about that, a party was a good thing. You were barely able to talk to Mikasa without feeling the urge to admit everything to her, but you were way too scared of her reaction. Sure, you were best friends, but who knows what she would say if she knew you had made out with her favorite professor and crush.

You needed some alcohol to forget.