St. James's Park was bathed in an eerie tranquillity. The usual hustle and bustle of the day had long since faded, leaving the park shrouded in a hushed stillness, illuminated only by the soft glow of lampposts scattered throughout its expanse.

The lake's calm waters reflected the dim moonlight, casting shimmering ripples across its surface. Tall trees lined the pathways, their branches swaying gently in the cool breeze, creating intricate patterns of shadow and light on the ground below.

Their footsteps blended with the night's stillness and the city's distant hum as they walked familiar paths towards their usual bench. It was in a secluded area of the park, away from the sight of random passersby. A place they had often found comfort in the past.

Victor's mind drifted back to the memory of that day they got detention. Since the beginning of the school year, Jay had worked his ass off to secure a spot in the exchange program at Institut Le Rosey in Switzerland. Victor knew how important it was to him. The program offered the opportunity to continue with education at the Institute for best exchange students. Something Jay could achieve, his ticket out.

Unfortunately, his mother failed to complete the necessary paperwork before the deadline despite multiple reminders from the school. Victor scoffed. She was too busy with work. He remembered that case. It was all over the news. As always, it was more important than Jay. His father may have been a megalomaniac bastard, but he was still better than what that woman put his friend through. As a result, Jay lost his spot and shattered like a glass.

Back then, it truly sunk in how alone Jay was... besides him, J.B., Vivi, and Tina, who joined their group a year before, there wasn't a single person in the world who cared about him. Still, Jay refused to tell others what happened and unwittingly isolated himself even more.

For a couple weeks, Victor had watched helplessly as Jay spiralled into the chain of self-destructive behaviours. Wild parties and reckless sex, drunken nights blurred into days. It was as if he was drowning and no longer cared what happened to him.

They were only sixteen, and Victor never felt so powerless. All he could do was watch the person, who went through hell with him, give up on their life so completely and utterly it scared the shit out of him.

That afternoon, Victor found him drunk out of his mind in the locker room by the gym. He tried to reason with him, promising they would find the way out as they always did, but Jay just shrugged it off. Then, he looked at him with these hollow eyes and a bitter smirk of resigned defiance.

"She feels sorry, so now I have ten grand a month. Might as well use it to drink myself into oblivion," Jay scoffed, tipping the bottle back for another swig.

"You're better than this," Victor persisted. "I know her shadow here is overbearing, but if you work hard as you did..."

"Because that's been working out so fucking brilliantly thus far."

"Then at least stick with me instead...," his voice trailed off at approaching footsteps, presumably a teacher. Victor didn't want to leave him alone through potential punishment. He grabbed Jay's bottle and took a large gulp just in time when the teacher opened the door.

As suspected, they were escorted to the Headmistress's office. Jay could barely stand on his own while Victor played the part, ensuring they weren't separated. He knew his father wouldn't go easy on him for it, but Jay had taken the fall for him many times in the past, so he could bear it this time.

Once left alone, Jay pulled out a bottle of 18-year-old Macallan. Victor had no idea where he kept it, but this whisky has had a specific meaning to them ever since. He tried to stop Jay from drinking even more, partially worried his friend would end up in hospital if this continued. Victor reasoned with him from every possible angle, but Jay wouldn't budge. At some point, he foolishly mentioned his mother.

Jay slowly lowered the bottle and laughed. It was an empty laugh bordering on desperation. "She doesn't give a shit about me, and you know this," he said, plopping on the desk and patting the smooth surface. "We could fuck on this desk, get caught, and she still wouldn't bother."

"Sounds fun," Victor shrugged, hoping this would take his mind off things.

"Your father is going to kill you."

"Well, screw him," he uttered, unzipping Jay's trousers and dropping to his knees.

The Headmistress entered the office before they could progress to the sex part. Neither of them cared about her yelling or the detention that followed. When Jay's mother didn't show up and instead sent a generous donation to the school, neither of them uttered a word. Nor did they speak when Jay was patching him up after his father's visit. However, afterwards, Jay slowly returned to his usual self... resigned to another aspect of his life.

Suddenly, an amused voice pulled him out of his thoughts, and Victor realised they had arrived at their favourite spot. Jay was, as always, perched on the bench's backrest, his feet resting comfortably on the seat. Victor plopped on the bench beside Jay's foot and sighed.

"You are oddly silent for someone who dragged me here to vent."

"You are oddly resistant for someone who asked me to come all the way to London," he quipped back at him.

Jay shrugged, opened the bottle and passed it to him. "Is your father being a pain in the ass again?"

Victor took a large sip, looking wistfully at the moon peeking from behind the clouds. "When he isn't?"

Jay glanced at him. His exhausted expression spoke volumes about how trapped he felt. "What is he pressuring you into this time?" he asked, taking back the whisky. His eyebrows furrowed at a subtle change in Victor's face. "Tell me he is not using Alex again to force you into another shit."

"Apparently, I'm dreaming about becoming a surgeon," Victor replied with a desperate chuckle. "I thought since I'm stuck with this shit, I could at least do something that matters... go into psychiatry, then specialise in psychotherapy and help people like us... with a shit load of trauma following us everywhere. God, I was so fucking stupid."

"What did he do?"

"As soon as I brought it up, this fucking asshole gave me a speech about how disappointed he is with me. Since I'm not grateful enough to support family traditions, he is sure Alex will," he started, taking another swing from the bottle. "And you know how scared of him, Alex is. He has a real chance to get into Juilliard and move far away from here. I can't let this bastard take it away from him."

"Fuck."

"I don't want to be stuck with something I hate for the rest of my life," Victor sighed, running his hands over his face. "What the fuck am I supposed to do, Jay?"

"Play a long game," Jay suggested. "You have two years of foundation training before you need to decide on specialisation. Pretend you will follow his wishes to get him off your and Alex's back. He has his A-Levels this year, right? By the time you are done, Alex will be already on the other side of the globe, outside his reach."

Victor looked at him with somewhat hopeful eyes. "This could work, and I should be able to support us with my savings if he cuts us off."

Jay playfully bumped Victor's shoulder with his knee and grinned. "If you ever need help, you know where to find me. I don't mind owning a property across the ocean."

"I know," he replied, passing him the bottle. "Now I just need to deal with apparent to-be-fiancee and the fact I'm not allowed to be gay."

His eyebrow quirked questioningly. "Apparent to-be-fiancee? When did that happen?"

"Last week," Victor sighed. "I figured I would tell you once you are back that I'm set to be married when I finish surgical training. One of his associates' daughter. The worst part? She seems into it," he groaned, making a gagging noise.

"That's so fucked up," Jay shook his head. "Did you tell her you are gay?"

Victor nodded. "You won't believe what was her reaction."

"I would expect her to pass on the marriage proposal at this point, but that clearly didn't happen."

"Brace yourself," Victor chuckled, taking another swing from the bottle. "I think I'm gay because I didn't meet the right woman."

Jay blinked twice, staring at him in disbelief. "The fuck..."

"Yeah, if you have a solution to this, drinks are on me for the rest of your life."

"I met once the guy in iridescent briefs who suggested using syphilis as an excuse to get rid of unwanted attention... but then he also tried to wax his ass with chocolate pudding, so I'm not sure how helpful his advice can be."

Victor burst out laughing. "God, where do you meet these people?!"

"I believe this one was at a hotel bar," Jay started thoughtfully, trying to remember the said encounter. "Oh yes, hotel bar. We had a nice chat over Balvenie."

"Seriously, thanks. I needed this," Victor said, leaning back and tilting his head to look at Jay. "Your turn."

"I met someone."

His eyes widened in surprise, and his posture straightened as he shifted to face him properly. Jay never even stopped to consider the people he had sex with. But here he was... drowning again, not knowing how to deal with it. Victor smiled faintly. To pass Jay's walls and defences, this guy must have been truly something else.

"Let me guess," he started, counting on his fingers. "You met a great guy. You are totally into him. He is into you. It felt right, but you didn't know what to do with it, so you ran away. Did I miss anything? Wait, I got it... it would get in the way of your one and only love – job."

"Fuck you," Jay hissed, taking a large swing from the bottle.

Victor laughed, clearly much more relaxed. "I'm pretty sure the person you want to have sex with is approximately six thousand miles away."

"That's the whole problem," Jay sighed. "I don't want to just have sex with him."

"Of course not. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here," he replied, dropping the teasing voice. "You are interested in him as a person, not a one-night stand, am I right?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't matter."

Victor frowned, his brow furrowing with concern as he observed Jay's distant demeanour. Extra classes in psychiatry, combined with a trauma and resilience course and hours of therapy, paid off in an unexpected way. Not only helped him deal with his own issues but also understand why Jay avoided relationships – it wasn't simply a matter of preference but rather a complex interplay of past trauma and coping mechanisms deeply embedded in his psyche.

His mother's absence, both physical and emotional, left a mark on him, instilling a deep-seated fear of being left behind or forgotten. But it wasn't just the abandonment that shaped Jay's reluctance to form connections. It was the combination of this trauma with the unhealthy coping mechanisms he developed as a means of escape. The wild parties, the reckless behaviour – it was all a desperate attempt to numb the pain, to fill the void inside him.

Over time, these coping mechanisms eroded his ability to see people as companions rather than mere distractions. Casual encounters became the norm, fleeting moments devoid of any real connection.

For Jay, the idea of opening up to someone, of allowing himself to be vulnerable, must have been terrifying. It meant risking the very thing he feared most – rejection, abandonment, loneliness. And so, he retreated further into himself, building walls and keeping everyone at a safe distance... as a result, hurting himself more than anyone would ever be able to.

Victor could only imagine how unsettling it must have been for Jay to suddenly find himself drawn to someone. To feel that spark of interest, that flicker of hope, despite what he had been through, just for everything inside him to push back, convincing him that alone means safe.

"It does," he said finally, his voice steady. "It matters more than you think. This is why you are such a mess right now. You want to see where it goes, but at the same time, staying as you always were has a strange comfort to it, doesn't it?"

Jay tilted the bottle to his lips, letting a familiar burn flow down his throat, and then he looked at Victor. "I forgot how much pain in the ass you became since med school."

His eyebrow quirked teasingly. "Oh? Did I nail it?"

"Still, it doesn't matter, Vic," Jay argued, sounding more defensive. "It's not going to work anyway. Things like this never last... It's foolish to chase after something bound to fall apart."

"You don't know that," he replied calmly, knowing Jay was approaching his limits. "It's impossible to tell unless you try. Don't put any labels on it, just take one day at a time and see where it goes. Have fun and get to know him without thinking what if."

"And then what? I can't stay there forever."

"Why not?" Victor shrugged. "I'm pretty sure that with all this cash she threw at you over the years, you could retire now and just live off your passive income."

"I would lose my mind without my job," Jay deadpanned.

"I know, I know," he chuckled. "But that's the whole thing you don't need to worry about now. It's something you can consider when it comes to it. The point is," Victor paused, observing him for a brief moment. "Don't let this chance slip away because it's something you can't control or predict. Sometimes, you need to break down to let someone in. If what's in there," he said, pocking Jay's head. "Scares him away. You can still live without regrets, knowing that you tried."

Jay remained silent for a long time, slowly sipping whisky. His eyebrows were slightly furrowed as he considered Victor's words. Victor always understood without needing to explain everything... it was a good impulse to ask him for help. Jay smiled faintly. "It would be a waste of you were to become a surgeon. Once Alex is eighteen, take him away from here and go for what you want. You will be annoying as fuck, but bloody good at this."

There was no need to add that Jay would have his back, even going as far as 'investing' into an apartment in New York – it was given between them.

"Thanks," Victor grinned, but then his expression slipped back to something more sombre. "But you are not going to listen to me anyway, right?" he sighed, shaking his head.

Jay shrugged casually. "You know me... I will be fine..."

"Will you?" he cut him off. "You should know better than trying to lie to me about it. I know you inside out."

"Obviously," Jay rolled his eyes.

"That's not what I meant, asshole!" Victor exclaimed, smacking him lightly on the arm. "I understand that it feels safer for you to push him away. It's easier to stay closed off than to risk believing that someone could genuinely want to be with you, isn't it? I get it, Jay. But is this what you really want?" he questioned, looking straight at him.

Jay's expression was unreadable, telling him he pushed him too much, but maybe this was what Jay needed? A solid shove in the right direction.

"What if he is this thing you have been missing all the time?" Victor continued, his tone gentle yet firm. "What if he's the person who can see past your walls and accept you for who you really are? You don't have to dive in headfirst – take it slow, keep it casual, but don't run away because you are scared of losing it."

He didn't need Victor to tell him this to know that Sean was this type of person. But this was precisely why he should stay away. It was inevitable that he would hurt Sean and lose him anyway. He would rather remain as he is and avoid it.

"Trying to be with me or loving me is a losing game, Vic," he said, his voice distant and strained. "We both know how this will end... I would rather stay away than make him go through it for something not worth his time."

His eyes widened slightly in shock. Just how badly Jay was hurt that he believed that pursuing a romantic relationship with him would inevitably lead to disappointment or pain for the other person. Victor always thought it was a defence mechanism to protect whatever was left of him from further pain. But now he realised that the issue ran much deeper, making him feel as powerless as he was when they were sixteen. He would give up everything to meet that guy and ask him to save his best friend from himself. If needed, take one day at a time, but to stop Jay from disappearing.

"It's not your choice to make," Victor said, trying to control his voice. "You may feel shitty about yourself all you want, but it's still his choice to make. You don't have the right to take it away from him."

"Fine," Jay groaned with annoyance as all his defence mechanisms kicked back in. "I will try this one day at the time thing. Happy?!"

Victor nodded. He knew better than to push further. Jay would probably run in the opposite direction, losing the sliver of chance for something meaningful.

"How's your casual dating going despite the whole fiancée mess?"

Victor sighed, letting him escape. "It's so fucking hard... Sleeping with one person feels boring, and none of them feel interesting enough to be something more than this."

"Boring, huh?"

He glanced at Jay and burst out laughing, then snatched the bottle from his hand. "Your teenage self was an exception... or maybe the other people in between made it distracting enough?"

"We were sure a mess, weren't we?"

"Yeah, and it's not like we got any better since then... But who knows, maybe one day we won't have to pretend to have healthy coping mechanisms."

"Is this future therapist in you talking?" Jay asked, his gaze fixed somewhere on the horizon... maybe seeing something that wasn't there.

Another heavy sigh escaped his lips. "He is going to lose his shit... but at this point, if Alex is safe, I don't even care," Victor said, leaning backwards and tilting his head to look at the starless sky. "I guess I can continue studying in New York and take student loans like a normal person without a megalomaniac bastard for a father."

"What are the odds Alex will have a full scholarship?"

"High. If not, I will make it work," Victor replied. "Hopefully, he will already be in his second year by then. There is a chance father will leave him be and just take it out on me. And I'm no longer smaller than him, so what can he do? Yell at me for lying that I will follow his wishes?"

Suddenly, Victor burst into borderline maniacal laughter.

"Feels liberating to have a plan, doesn't it?" Jay asked playfully, supporting his chin on his palm.

"It does," he replied. "I don't know why we didn't think about it sooner."

"I don't know... I guess it must be this illusion of comfort the old ways had, or maybe we just got used to not solving our issues."

Victor smiled and nodded. But it didn't escape his attention that Jay already started to change, which was good for him. Yes, this would be good for him, and Victor genuinely hoped it would work out.

"What's his name?"

"Sean."