The air hung warm and heavy, still carrying a hint of humidity from earlier rains. Palm fronds near the law building swayed in the breeze, their bright green leaves in soft contrast to the grey skies. A pale sunlight filtered through the expansive windows of the hallway, casting faint shadows across the polished floors.

Sean dropped on the bench by the head of the department office with a heavy sigh. He looked exhausted, but the satisfaction in his eyes was unmistakable. The past few weeks had been a blur, caught between university, his internship, and a project that was finally starting to take shape. It involved two directions: one with RSAT and the other through the university.

After the meetup and the alarming number of arrests within the LGBTQ community, the organisation was highly receptive to his proposal to expand its outreach. His idea of creating a digital platform for their legal department to offer free advice aimed at family members would enable those in similar situations as he and Fort were to access the necessary help. Sean knew finding partners and launching an awareness campaign would take time, but it was a good start.

Still, the most significant part of his plan hinged on the university's cooperation and the meeting he was waiting for now. His fingers gripped the folder containing his proposal tightly. Sean believed it was solid and relied on a known concept, but he was still just a student. Would the head of the department take him seriously? A part of him wanted to discuss it with Jay, but another part wanted to handle it on his own.

Suddenly, cheerful laughter filled the hallway, and a familiar figure appeared. Seeing him, Cherry finished the call and waved, but then her eyebrow raised curiously as she glanced at the plaque on the door.

"Oh? Did you get in trouble?"

Sean rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Just a little extra thing I'm working on before graduation."

"No wonder you are number one in our major," Cherry chuckled awkwardly. "While I'm just hoping to not fail anything and miraculously graduate."

They chatted about the first week of classes when Cherry's friend finally left the tutor's office, looking a bit haggard. Still, when she saw them together, Prim looked at them suggestively.

"You two should finally make it official."

Cherry instantly shook her head. "Not a chance. Besides, Sean is in a relationship, so stop saying things that may lead to misunderstanding."

"Really? Do I know her?" Prim asked curiously, eager for a gossip.

Sean smiled faintly. "No, you don't know him."

Cherry grinned, slipping into her fangirl mode. "They look so hot together, it should be considered a crime. Not to mention a bit of devilish circumstances. Oh, I'm so rooting for them," she squealed, looking like a female version of Win.

Prim blinked, processing the correction, before waving her hand dismissively. "It doesn't matter. You'll come back to women anyway. All bi men do. In the end, they know what's better for them."

Sean looked at her in disbelief as if unable to comprehend what a person with an opinion like this was doing in their major. Most disappointing of all was that yet another person questioned his commitment to Jay because of his orientation. It stung, but he wouldn't let it show.

Cherry, however, wasn't as composed. She shot to her feet, glaring at her now former friend. "What the hell, Prim! I had no idea you are such a bigoted moron," she uttered, then grabbed Prim's arm and pulled her away with a sharp tug. "I'm sorry you had to hear it, but remember, it's just brainless bullshit. See you next week, okay?"

Sean waved her off, indicating that she shouldn't worry about it. Besides, he didn't have time to linger on it because the door to the office opened, and he was invited in.

The airport buzzed with constant movement, filled with overlapping voices and hurried footsteps mingling with the steady hum of announcements filling the air. Streams of travellers hurried past, pulling luggage or scanning departure boards amongst the scent of freshly brewed coffee, cutting through the chaotic atmosphere.

Sean hadn't expected to find himself back here with a ticket to Chiang Mai. Izzy and Sari had surprised him with it for his birthday to cheer him up since Jay was busy with work and couldn't come. A long weekend getaway to make up for the missed summer trip. He appreciated the thought, but it was hard to muster much enthusiasm. After all, the one person he truly wanted to be here was missing.

But as he approached the gate, everything faded away, leaving only the one-sided smile he loved so much. Even from a distance, Sean could tell that Jay was trying to hide his fatigue, though subtle signs of exhaustion still showed. It was clear he must have arrived not long ago, and the plans for this surprise getaway involved more than just Izzy and Sari.

In a heartbeat, Sean closed the distance between them, pressing his lips to Jay's with a passion that caught even him off guard. Normally, he would be more reserved in public, but right now, none of that mattered. His hand slid into Jay's hair, tugging gently at the roots as he deepened the kiss. He felt Jay's initial surprise give way as he pulled Sean closer, their bodies fitting together as naturally as always. After weeks apart, Sean couldn't care less who was watching... all that mattered was that Jay was here.

"I really didn't take you for a scheming type... how surprising," Sean said teasingly, resting his forehead against Jay's.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," Jay shrugged. "I'm just catching a connecting flight."

"Oh really? I distinctively remember you mentioning something about being too busy with work..." he trailed off, taking a more careful look at him. Jay looked beyond exhausted, like someone who was running on sheer will. "Let me guess. You spent the last 12 hours on the plane working, right?"

Jay smiled at him. "It's nothing in exchange for time off until Wednesday."

A little over five days felt both a lot and not enough, but Sean understood the immense effort it must have taken for Jay to carve out so much. After all, he knew very well how busy his schedule was. He was also aware of how important Jay's work was to him, yet again, he compromised it for him. Moments like this truly made him feel like he was Jay's priority.

Sean gently brushed the strand of hair from Jay's forehead and kissed him softly. "Your insomnia got worse again, didn't it?"

"It's fine..."

His eyebrow arched questioningly. "Who are you trying to trick?" Sean chuckled, tugging him gently toward the airline stand for boarding. "You're definitely getting a nap during the flight."

Jay slightly shook his head in protest. A part of him didn't want to waste any of the precious time they had together, but the truth was, he could barely stand. Once they were seated and the spicy, smoky scent with fresh notes wrapped around him, his eyes drifted shut almost immediately. Suddenly, falling asleep was easy. After all, he was finally home.

"How did you let it get this bad in just several weeks, hm?"

His mind barely registered the question, let alone his own answer. "I can't sleep without you," he muttered, the words slipping out in a tone that Sean recognised all too well. It was Jay's adorable side that surfaced when he was already half-asleep, running on autopilot.

Sean shifted slightly to ensure Jay was comfortable. "I'm here. Get some rest, okay?"

"Mhm."

Sean glanced down at the person snuggled into his neck with a faint smile and gently ran his hand through Jay's dark brown hair. It was back to its usual length, with soft strands slipping through his fingers. It was funny how a similar situation half a year ago sent him into a panic mode, and he had to resist the urge to touch it.

"I love you," Sean whispered, not expecting a response.

To his surprise, Jay's drowsy voice, barely audible, mumbled back, "Love you... too."

Sean froze, his hand stilling in Jay's hair, heart skipping a beat. It was so quiet and soft, yet it felt so real... more real than all the times Jay had deflected or stayed silent. He knew Jay was barely conscious, that it was more a reflex than a decision, but for Sean, it was enough to make him absurdly happy.

"I know," he said softly, kissing Jay's head.

Nestled above a gently flowing stream, the wooden lodge blended effortlessly into the lush jungle. The open terrace extended outwards, offering an uninterrupted view of the treetops while the glass walls reflected the vibrant colours of the sky. There was a serene stillness in the air, broken only by the occasional rustle of sheets and muffled moans. Peaceful and secluded, as if the world outside didn't exist.

The sun dipped below the horizon, casting warm hues over the jungle, creating a breathtaking view. Sean stepped quietly onto the terrace and paused, momentarily caught between nature and the one just ahead of him. Jay sat on the edge, legs dangling freely as the evening breeze brushed against his skin. Tiny, sparkling water droplets trailed from his wet hair over his sculpted back and disappeared into his low-waist trousers. It was mesmerising, but his gaze was drawn to Jay's right arm.

Finally, he had a chance to fully admire the half-sleeve tattoo of two graceful spider lilies, rendered in soft grey-scale watercolour, flowing elegantly from just above his inner elbow and stretching up towards his shoulder. The delicate lines caught the fading light in a way that made the design seem almost alive.

(just a reference picture to give you a better idea of what his tattoo looks like)

He sat beside Jay and passed him a mug of steaming tea while taking a tub filled with aftercare ointment from Jay's hand. "Let me help you with it," Sean said, gently applying cream to the still-healing tattoo. "My mother used to call them the other shore flowers. She said they grow along the riverbanks that souls cross on their way to the afterlife, guiding the dead towards their next life. But knowing you, it's much more personal than this, isn't it?"

"They remind me that nothing is permanent. It's just how life works. Things come and go, nothing lasts long enough to really matter. That's how I saw it. I never held on to anything because it was easier that way, you know? It made sense to me, the flow of things, just letting them pass," Jay paused for a moment, his gaze shifting from the teacup to the sunset. "But I see things differently now... it's not just life that doesn't stay still... it's me as well. And for the first time, there's something I don't want to let slip away."

Sean could sense the tension in him. The muscles underneath his fingers almost imperceivably stiffened as if fighting the instinct to withdraw. The faint frustration etched into his handsome face, but then everything disappeared, and Jay looked straight at him.

"I may accept impermanence... transience of everything in my life but not you... I'm not sure how to do it, but I want this to last even if nothing else doesn't..." Jay trailed off, looking away. "And it's kinda farewell to certain habits."

Hearing Jay explain it so extensively meant the world to him, even if, at that moment, he didn't fully grasp the whole meaning behind his words. It was a massive step away from the usual avoidance and distance. Sean smiled, gently gripping Jay's chin to turn his face back towards him.

"I don't know how either, and I was hoping we could figure it out together," he said, kissing him softly. "But I believe we are doing a relatively decent job at it already."

Jay's fingers tightened around the mug, a barely noticeable shift but enough to reveal the tension creeping back into his posture. He couldn't quite meet Sean's eyes, and his gaze drifted somewhere just beyond the terrace.

"It's you who does a good job at it... at least, I think you do," Jay said slowly with an unmistakable sense of defeat in his voice. "I really don't know how any of this is supposed to look like, how much a person gives or takes, so you are the only reference point I have, but I can't do any of this... So, in the end, no matter how much I want this to work, it won't last, right? Because no matter what I do, I can't meet you halfway."

Sean was stunned, the words sinking in slowly. He hadn't expected Jay to be this open or allow the uncertainty in his voice to show how deeply he seemed to believe his own fears. For a moment, Sean wasn't sure how to respond. His mind grasped for something to say that would ease the tension in Jay's shoulders, but it felt like anything he could say would fall short.

Instead, Sean reached out and intertwined their fingers in a silent gesture: I'm here. "Can you tell me why do you think it's not enough?"

"It's... I don't know... how to explain it... At work, there are rules and expectations. As long as I stay focused and make the right decisions, I will get the results I'm expected to. It's straightforward and I don't even have to think about it anymore," he explained calmly, but there was a frustration simmering beneath the surface. "But with us... there's no manual for how things are supposed to go. I don't know if I'm doing enough or if I'm doing it right at all."

Jay exhaled slowly and glanced down at their joined hands, his thumb brushing against Sean's knuckles as if trying to find the right words.

"And you... you're good at this. Always considerate and accommodating, giving me the space I need..." he trailed off with a resigned sigh. "You make it look so natural. But I feel like I'm constantly trying to figure it out, like I'm always a step behind, waiting to mess up without even realising it." There was a beat of silence before Jay added quietly, "I don't know how to not see it as something I have to work through, like a problem I can solve if I just try hard enough."

Finally, all the scattered pieces fell into place. Sean realised that Jay was so afraid of messing up something he didn't fully understand that he had subconsciously started treating their relationship like he would handle a case – methodical and pragmatic. Ironically, this approach only made things more difficult because relationships were messy and unpredictable.

Most of Jay's life had been about meeting high standards and expectations, and Sean was certain he applied the same scrutiny to himself, especially when it came to their relationship. But unlike work, there were no clear metrics or guidelines for love, which likely created this sense of inadequacy.

"You know," Sean started, looking at him with incredible tenderness. "I don't think it's about trying to get everything right or putting in a specific amount of effort. It's more about doing what we can in our own ways," he paused, pressing a kiss to Jay's hair. "We're different. The way you think and show what you feel is not the same as how I do. But that's the thing: it doesn't have to be, and it shouldn't be. I really love you the way you are."

"Won't you get tired of being the one putting in all the effort?"

Sean shook his head. "No, because I'm not the only one," he stated, then chuckled lightly at Jay's confusion. "Apparently, I know you better than you think and you telling me all this? Don't even try to say to me it didn't take an immense amount of effort. But you still did it. Why?"

"Consider it your early birthday gift," Jay said somewhat teasingly, burying his face in the crook of Sean's neck. "I don't want this to end because I couldn't figure out how to be... better at it."

"You can be as perfect as you need to be in the courtroom, at the office or anywhere else, but with me... I just want you to be you... happy and free, like you are when you climb those deadly cliffs," Sean responded, tenderly petting his hair.

No one had ever told him to simply be... happy, let alone free. After all, true freedom didn't exist. But then why did he feel like this after telling Sean all of this? It was similar to those fleeting escapes to St. James Park or the rush of scaling a mountain, only much more unrestrained. Jay wasn't exactly sure what happiness truly was, but if this feeling – this sense that everything was right when he was with Sean – was it, then he liked it. Even if it left him a little unsettled at times.

"What about things you need?"

"I already have him," Sean responded, resting his chin on Jay's head and smiling. "Look, you don't like when people touch you, right? I mean, sex is fine, but anything outside makes you uncomfortable."

Jay wasn't sure where Sean was going with it but still nodded.

"Then why do you let me do all of this without complaining? On the contrary, you even try to hide your discomfort when I push you too much."

"Because you like it, and it makes you happy."

"All the things you put up with for me," Sean chirped ambiguously. "What about cooking? Victor let it slip that you don't like cooking for other people, so why do it for me?"

Jay sighed. Of course, that meddling bastard had to sell him out. "I have to... otherwise you will keep eating instant noodles or worse... try to do it yourself and die of food poisoning or in the fire."

"Hey! My cooking skills are excellent," Sean immediately protested. "I can keep going with the list, or you could simply realise how much you actually do for me, even at the cost of your comfort."

Jay gave him an incredulous look as if ignoring most of Sean's words. "Your cooking should come with a fatal warning."

"And?"

His expression softened with a subtle yet incredibly intimate smile. Even the usual indifference in his eyes was entirely gone. His slender fingers brushed over Sean's jaw, and Jay leaned closer, leaving only a breath of space between them. He wanted to say it – felt it in every part of him – but the words remained stuck, somewhere just out of reach.

Instead, he closed the distance, kissing Sean in a way that said everything he couldn't bring himself to confess aloud. Any response Sean could have was swallowed by a kiss that no words could describe.

The lodge was wrapped in a warm, languid silence, broken only by the faint hum of crickets outside. The soft glow from the bedside lamp cast long, gentle shadows across the room, catching on the edges of the tousled sheets and the pillows strewn in disarray. Everything felt unhurried, steeped in the tranquillity that only came after intensity had ebbed away, leaving behind a comfortable stillness.

They were just in their underwear, their skin still slightly damp after a recent shower. Sean was kneeling behind Jay on the bed, towel-drying his hair. There was a genuine smile etched into his face that wouldn't disappear no matter what.

"I've been thinking," Sean started, gently rubbing the towel over dark brown hair. "Everything you've worked for is in London. You can't just drop it and carry on somewhere else, but I'm not tied down like that. My dream job isn't about a place or an institution but an idea. Unlike you, I could do this anywhere."

Jay tilted his head back to look at him, speechless, as if unable to believe Sean would do it for them. "Are you sure?"

"Did you just really ask me if I'm sure I want to be with you?" he asked with slightly teasing notes, watching him relax a bit.

Jay rolled his eyes in mock exasperation. "You know what I mean."

"I know," Sean responded confidently. "You don't want me to feel pressured to be the one to move, but the truth is either one of us moves, or we both move somewhere. As you can imagine, the second option makes no sense. Your career is already in motion, so moving would set it back. I still have to pass the bar exam here, so I may as well do LPC in London."

"What about your life here?"

"Izzy fully supports the idea. I mean, he is fretting I may not see him as real family and forget about him once I move, but he will come around once he realises he won't get rid of me that easily," Sean chuckled, but his expression remained full of concern as if he was dreading the next part. "But there is something I need to tell you about. Not sure how to start, though."

"Most people start from the beginning."

"Bloody menace," Sean muttered, lightly smacking him with the towel. "I never intended to hide it from you. I just didn't know what to think of it and needed some time to wrap my head around it, but also... I don't want you to feel like I'm taking advantage of you."

Jay looked at him with confusion, unable to ignore the feeling of dread creeping in. "I know you would never do it, so what's the matter?"

Sean didn't know what to make of Jay's unreadable yet distant expression when he told him about Margaret's offer. He didn't seem angry but more resigned, like someone confronted with a familiar disappointment rather than a surprise. It was, in many ways, unsettling. Jay didn't protest or even question the offer, but there was something in his silence, a kind of weariness that Sean couldn't quite place.

"What do you want to do?" Jay finally asked.

"I don't know, and I was hoping you could help me to make the decision," Sean replied, leaning slightly on Jay's left shoulder. "My tutor and head of the department said with my results, everything I'm involved in at uni, and my internship, an offer like this makes sense. But it feels wrong."

It wasn't difficult to see how conflicted Sean was about his mother's actions. Jay pulled him closer, running his fingers through Sean's short, textured hair. "I agree with them, but why do you think it's wrong?"

Sean sighed. "Realistically speaking, I wouldn't get it if we didn't know each other, which makes me feel like I'm taking advantage of our relationship."

"I don't think someone taking advantage of others would worry about things like this," Jay reassured him. "Besides, she does it occasionally when she encounters talented people. It's a perfect way for her to lock them in before someone else does. I'm sure she sees you and your interest as the perfect fit for her law firm."

He had to admit that Jay had a point and probably knew better than anyone about the reasoning behind his mother's actions. "You know... mostly it's tempting because it's a fast track to moving much closer to you. Otherwise, it will be a massive challenge and may not even work."

Jay had the impression this wasn't the only issue. "But it also feels like a compromise to your values, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, but you are more important to me than my stubbornness to be independent and self-reliant," Sean said, gripping Jay's chin and kissing him. "Sometimes, I think it's just an offer, you know? I will still need to put in the work to finish LPC and keep the job afterwards, right?"

Jay nodded. "LPC is a rigorous and intensive course, challenging even for people who studied law in the UK."

"Didn't you say it was fun?"

"It was for me," Jay shrugged with a playful smile. "But I didn't have to deal with differences between legal systems like you might. Still, if this is what you choose, I know you'll do great. There's no rush. If it doesn't feel right, we will figure out another way."

Sean breathed out a sigh of relief. Talking about it with Jay made things much clearer, and knowing he wouldn't hold it against him, making the decision also seemed easier. The decision he didn't have to deal with just yet. For now, getting his insomniac boyfriend to sleep was a task big enough.