The evening light clung weakly to the edges of the sky, fading like a final breath over the empty streets. The garage stood in silence, its muted glow barely stretching beyond the cracked concrete beneath. A faint breeze stirred the heavy air, warm and sluggish, carrying the distant hum of a city winding down. Everything felt suspended, holding on to a moment that was already slipping away.

Sean looked up at the place he had called home for nearly six years. The weathered façade and familiar shape felt unchanged, yet something about it seemed distant now, as though it no longer recognised him. A strange unease settled in as he walked into his loft. The books were still scattered across the room, occupying most of the space. His uniform shirts hung neatly on the wall, just as he had left them. Nothing had changed. Yet everything felt wrong.

He sat on the edge of the bed, then dropped back on the mattress with a heavy sigh. The space was his, filled with his things, but it no longer felt like home... because it has been a long time since Sean realised that home is not where but who. And his home was far away now.

It had only been several hours since he dropped Jay off at the airport, but the distance already felt unbearable. It was unsettling how quickly the space between them seemed to stretch, as though time itself had slowed to emphasise the absence of the person who made everything feel right. Yet, Sean smiled faintly. He never believed much in commitment and relationships, too busy with his studies and their group. But now... in little over half a year, Jay has become his everything.

"I guess it does take meeting the right person," he muttered, taking out his phone from his pocket.

Me

Miss you already.

Jay

Me too

I will try to visit soon, so just hang in there.

Me

Easier said than done 😅

Jay

I know

The same goes for you staying out of trouble, I presume?

Sean

I will do my best?

Jay

This doesn't sound very convincing...

Sean

I swear, the next thing I'm planning is strictly legal.

I will tell you once it kicks off.

At least, I hope it will.

Jay

I'm sure you can make it happen.

It's you, after all.

Sean

Thanks 😘

I love you

Sean watched for a while the three dots on the screen indicating Jay was typing something, but then they disappeared, and nothing came through. He smiled, realising how comfortable even Jay's silence felt. It was quiet reassurance coming from immense trust in the person he loved so much and was willing to wait for. Their last weekend together left him hopeful that Jay would one day lower his walls and let him in. It may not be any time soon, but it will happen.

Suddenly, there was a knock, the door cracked open, and Izzy's head popped in. Sean rolled his eyes and sighed again.

"Hey, Sari is asking if you want to have dinner with us today."

Sean shook his head. "No, I'm fine."

"You do realise she is not actually asking, right?" Izzy chuckled, stepping inside. "If I don't bring you with me, I can forget about getting inside the house."

"As much as I appreciate it, I'm not in the mood to hang out, Izzy," he responded without getting up from the bed. "I'm sure sis will understand."

Izzy smiled sadly and crossed the small space to sit on the bed beside him. "Did you consider what you will do once you graduate?"

"I want to find a way to move to London...," he trailed off, shifting his gaze from the ceiling to his older brother. "I know I owe you a lot for letting me stay here and getting me through the worst, but his life is there..."

Izzy's hand ruffled his hair before lightly smacking him. "You don't owe me anything, idiot! It's natural for an older brother to look after his younger, troublesome sibling and support him when he is ready to build his own life with someone. No matter where it is," he said, his tone not leaving room for arguments. "Jay is the best thing that ever happened to you, Sean. Did you notice that you stopped obsessing over revenge ever since he walked into your life? Now, you want to make a real difference instead of just seeing that asshole fall down. Your parents would be proud of the person you are becoming."

His eyes stung a bit, but his voice remained steady. "How do you know that?"

"Because I am, Sean," Izzy replied with disarming honesty. "And I know that uncle and auntie always wanted you to be happy and chase after your dreams instead of being burdened by the past. Isn't it what you are doing now?"

Sean looked at him wide-eyed as if he had just realised this. "Thanks."

"There is no need to thank for honesty," he shrugged. "So, what's the plan? I assume moving there won't be easy."

"About that," Sean started, digging up a folder from his bag and then give it to him. "Jay's mother made me an offer that can make everything easy, but I'm unsure if I want it."

Izzy scanned the contract, his brows furrowing as he absorbed the details. The offer Margaret had arranged was, in many ways, too good to be true. Every aspect appeared meticulously crafted, professional, and entirely legal. There were no loopholes or hidden strings attached, just a clear, straightforward path laid out for Sean.

Still, Izzy could see why it unsettled him. The offer was spotless, but for someone like him, who had fought so hard to prove he didn't need anyone's help, it could feel like a betrayal. A betrayal of the independence and principles Sean had always stood by, the very things that had shaped him into who he was now. But at the same time, the opportunity was undeniable.

"What Jay said about it?"

"I didn't tell him yet," Sean replied hesitantly. "I don't know what to think about it, Izzy. Even if she didn't do it with Jay in mind, I wouldn't get it if I didn't meet him. And I don't want to ever take advantage of him like this. It feels wrong. But if I outright reject it, it's like throwing away an opportunity to be with him. What am I supposed to do?"

Izzy smiled proudly. This was his little brother, always trying to do the right thing. "First, she has your academic record, which means she must have spoken to someone at uni. Probably your tutor or head of department, the people who actually see what you're capable of. This isn't about Jay, Sean. This is about what you've worked for. Why not ask them what they think about it? Get outside, unbiased opinion?"

"Makes sense."

"Of course it does. I'm the wise older brother, after all," Izzy laughed. "Second, talk with Jay next time you see him. It's your future you are deciding on, but if you plan to spend the rest of your life with him, it's also his future as well, isn't it? The decision is yours alone, but acknowledging his opinion is your responsibility as his partner."

Sean blinked, caught off guard by Izzy's words.

"Kids," Izzy chuckled. "When you get together with someone, it seems like just being with them is enough, but relationships are hard work. It's not easy to blend two different lives and personalities with their own aspirations and issues. It takes learning how to make someone happy without giving up on your happiness. It's a trial of error, Sean. And the only thing that makes it work is solid communication. Your problems are no longer your own to solve alone. Instead of hiding them until everything blows in your face, you need to share it."

He remained silent for a long time, considering his words. It made him understand how much he and Jay struggled with communication. They were getting better at it, but more often than not, they fell into the habit of solving their issues alone or sidestepping them. But Izzy reminded him how wrong they were to do so and that he shouldn't put his problems aside to solely focus on making Jay more comfortable.

Izzy smiled, seeing that Sean understood what he meant and stood up with a cheeky grin. "Sari made a spicy hot pot for you, so unless you want her to beat you up with whatever she has within reach, move your ass and follow me."

"Fine," Sean groaned.

Spending the evening at Sari and Izzy's house was refreshing, taking off some heaviness of Jay's absence. He spent lots of time on the floor, surrounded by soft toys and rattles, playing with Lizzy and laughing at her giggles. It made him think he could just survive it.

A pale sky stretched over the city, the cool air hinting at the arrival of autumn, though not fully committed. The streets pulsed with their usual rhythm, cars streaming by with a steady hum while the scent of rain lingered faintly from an earlier shower. Damp leaves clung to the pavement, a reminder of the season slowly shifting, yet everything felt predictable, like the ticking of a well-worn clock.

Returning to the familiar streets and long working hours should have brought Jay comfort, but this time, it felt hollow. The routine that once helped him bury everything under a sea of responsibilities was still there, but it no longer offered the same escape. Beneath the surface, things had changed.

Jay found himself thinking of Sean more often than expected, fleeting moments that came without warning. A scent, a passing glimpse of something familiar, and suddenly, he was back in Bangkok with the person who meant the world to him.

Suddenly, making time for their daily video calls became second nature. Somehow, they fit them in despite the timezone difference and their busy schedules. Sean would wake up an hour earlier, while Jay cut back on his time working at home. These moments, brief as they were, became the most essential part of his day. And when they couldn't talk, an uneasy restlessness settled in, gnawing at him in ways his routine couldn't soothe.

But as the weeks passed and October approached, that restlessness shifted. Jay was acutely aware of the lengths Sean went to for him, and it made him want to put in the same effort to match Sean's openness. Yet, despite this, Jay often found himself at a loss. He didn't know how to bridge the gap between what he felt and what he could express.

The dissonance was maddening. His instinct was to retreat, to fall back into the safety of his emotional walls. But now, retreating felt different. It left him frustrated and more distant than he wanted to be. Loving Sean was easy, but expressing it felt impossible. Each attempt brought him closer to a tension he couldn't resolve until the fine line that kept him together finally snapped.

Me

Any chance you have 12-year-old Macallan to spare?

Vic

See you in about 11 hours.

Jay shook his head with amusement. They were always like this. Just a few words, a 12-year-old Macallan – a code, an unspoken promise – and they would be on their way to each other.

Ever since they met, Victor had become more than just a friend. He was a constant, someone who understood the silences, the gaps in conversation that didn't need filling. Victor knew the emptiness Jay carried inside and the detachment he maintained around others. In return, Jay had always been there to pick up the pieces when Victor was crushed under his father's expectations or worse, his fists. They balanced each other that way.

When one reached out, the other would simply show up, no matter the distance or time. Just like now when Jay opened the front door to Victor leaning on the frame with a bottle of whisky in his hand.

"Sorry for the delay," Victor grinned, waving a bottle of 12-year-old Macallan. "Getting here from New York was more challenging than I assumed."

Jay rolled his eyes. "You always sucked at travel planning. Remember how we got stuck in Reykjavik because we missed a flight by two days?"

"C'mon, it was five years ago," he groaned. "How long are you planning to hold it against me?"

"As long as it benefits me," Jay shrugged.

Victor shot him a murderous glare, walked inside and shuddered. "Do something with this place. It gives me creeps."

"What's wrong with it?"

"I will wait until Sean moves here and explains it to you," he chuckled, but his voice was full of confidence. "So, why am I here? I was sure you were keeping your head above the surface."

Jay sunk into the sofa and took an opened bottle from him. For a moment, he gazed into the bottleneck, watching the amber liquid reflect the soft light in the room. Then, he took a long sip, letting the familiar burn spread over his throat.

"How do you love someone properly?" he finally asked.

Victor looked at him, unsure how to answer. For years, they had both relied on detachment as a shield against the emotional chaos they didn't want to face. Affection had always been fleeting and transactional. They had never learned how to show it, and now it only brought discomfort.

But Sean had changed things. For the first time, Jay wasn't looking for an escape.

Victor could see it. The unease in his eyes, the tension that came with caring more than he was ready for. On the contrary, Jay didn't even know how to care in the way he wanted to.

Jay had learned to shut down too early, pushed into a world where emotions were something to be buried. They both had. But Jay had taken it further, retreating so deeply into detachment that it had become his default. By the time they were teenagers, he was pretty much disconnected, even from himself.

Casual sex had been the easiest escape, a way to numb the loneliness neither of them talked about. It didn't matter who, didn't matter if it meant anything. Even when they turned to each other, it was nothing more than survival.

Now, though, Jay was feeling things he hadn't before, and it was tearing him apart.

Victor knew Jay loved Sean, maybe even more than he could admit. But after years of shutting down, after believing he wasn't worth love, Jay didn't know how to let any of it show. He wanted to be there for Sean the way Sean was for him, but it was probably impossible.

The worst part? Victor couldn't even help him. After all, they once went to hell for each other without hesitation... unfortunately, they still didn't find a way back. The lives they had built to protect themselves had left them fragmented, but that didn't mean they were undeserving of something more.

"I'm probably the worst person to ask this question, but I don't think it's about doing it properly but doing your best."

"What if my best isn't enough?"

"I'm sure it's enough for him," Victor said with unusual conviction. "Sean is different from people we usually meet. I have the impression he looks at you and sees you. Not your net worth or the person everyone expects you to be, but the actual you. He understands there are things you struggle with or can't do, and he loves you anyway."

Jay sighed and took another swig from the bottle.

"It's not enough for you, isn't it?"

"Because Sean is like this, I can't help but think that he deserves better," Jay responded, passing him the whisky. "He can't do this on his own, Vic. Even I know it's about meeting halfway, but I really don't know how to get there. And be realistic... he won't wait forever."

Victor paused with the bottle halfway to his lips and looked at Jay with sudden realisation. "You really don't realise how much you have changed in the last six months, do you?"

Jay looked at him with confusion.

"Before everything was about distraction, endless hours at work, casual sex and this," Victor started, gently shaking the bottle. "Anything to keep you from feeling anything. But you have stopped all that. Have you thought about why?" He gave Jay a questioning look and passed him the whisky. "You're cutting back on work just to talk to him. I really didn't see it coming, you know? You're starting to let your guard down. And you're doing it for him without even knowing it. Whether you see it or not, you've let him in."

Victor watched him for a moment, letting all of this sink in. He didn't expect Jay to respond. After all, he usually kept quiet in situations like this. And Victor understood why.

"You even called her to keep him safe. I can't even imagine how much it took out of you," Victor said, looking at him worriedly. "But Sean has no idea about it, does he?"

Jay shook his head.

"Right, you never talk about any of this," he sighed, slowly realising where Jay's problem was centred. "I'm pretty sure I only know because I was there..."

"But I should be able to talk to him about all these things, right?"

"Not exactly," Victor said. "For him, it's easy because he's been doing it his whole life. Talking about feelings and things that bother him is natural because that's how he was raised. But for you? It's an alien concept. You need time to learn things that come effortlessly to him. As a result, the effort it takes for you to meet him halfway is kinda beyond comprehension. So, even if it's slow, you are moving in the right direction, and that's enough for him."

Jay looked at him, his usually indifferent eyes now filled with frustration and self-annoyance. How long would it be enough for Sean? How long before he grew tired of waiting and decided it wasn't worth the effort? After all, Jay couldn't even say a few simple words back...

"The truth is you don't have experience with someone loving you or letting people stay in your life in a way that truly matters, so maybe instead of overthinking it, simply enjoy it while it lasts and potentially learn from it?"

"That's the problem... I want it to last, but I don't know how."

Victor's eyebrows furrowed with worry. It had been a long time since he had seen Jay this tired and overwhelmed. Ever since he could remember, Jay was the strong one, pulling them through the messes Victor got them into. But now, he seemed so lost, so confused. His usual defences were crumbling one by one... it ws as if Jay might fall apart with the slightest touch as well.

It was heartbreaking to see him like this, but then again, aren't things always darkest before the dawn? However, at that moment, Victor couldn't possibly know this wasn't the worst they would face.

"I can't even figure out casual dating, so committed relationships are way beyond me, but isn't the main point to make it last in close collaboration with the other party?" Victor asked, giving him a knowing look.

Jay rolled his eyes. "You wouldn't be here if I knew how to do it."

"Wouldn't it be easier to ask Tina or Vivi and Jonathan? They seem to have the experience we obviously lack," Victor laughed and dodged the cushion. "I know, I know, you are allergic to talking about feelings and would die trying to explain everything."

"You are such a pain in the ass."

Victor chuckled with amusement, but his expression remained serious. "I genuinely think you should stop overthinking it and trust Sean when he says this is enough for him. You were very upfront with him, so he knows what he signed up for. It's okay to lean on him while you get used to being with someone. I'm sure he will understand."

Jay sighed, neither agreeing nor disagreeing, but Victor knew he had taken onboard his words.

"Besides, you should quit sulking; otherwise, he will notice something is wrong when you visit him next week for his birthday."

"Fine," Jay groaned, drinking more whisky. "Are you looking forward to your PhD?"

Victor smiled and launched into a long, filled with excitement, talk about his upcoming doctorate studies in clinical psychology. It was as if a weight had finally been lifted from his shoulders. For the first time in years, he seemed genuinely free, pursuing something he was passionate about instead of what was imposed on him. He was finally living for himself.

"Thanks for making it possible."

Jay waved him off. "It's nothing... besides, I already feel sorry for myself. Can you imagine what a massive pain in the ass you will be after becoming a licensed therapist?"

"I know, right!" Victor chirped. "You are going to love it so much."

Jay was convinced it would be a pure nightmare, with Victor analysing him on every step out of spite to simply annoy the hell out of him. Part of him wanted to pack his things and escape as far as possible, but he was done running away. He may not be able to talk about his feelings, but it didn't mean he couldn't try to speak with Sean about their future to make a more concrete plan, something they could both work towards. Because taking one step at a time could take them only so far...