Chapter 20
JAEGER
I relived my worst nightmare. The day I lost my mother.
The dream wasn't unfamiliar, I had it often enough, but it had been different tonight. The villagers were screaming insults and jabs like they had that day, but there were new things said in my dream. They weren't shouting that I was meant to die because of what I was like they had, they were shouting about what I couldn't be.
You'll never be able to change what you are.
Vampires will always have black hearts.
The villagers were suddenly in the burning cabin with my mother and me, protected by some force that stopped them from getting burnt. They were laughing at us despite our pleas, and even though I knew it was a dream, the pain still felt so raw.
You deserve to burn, as does your mother for bringing you into this world.
Impurities have no place in the world.
I realised that what they were saying wasn't for the Jaeger from back then, it was for the Jaeger now. The one who was trying to change for the better. The one who wanted to give humanity a chance. The one who was working with a Vanquisher. They were speaking to that Jaeger.
You could never save humanity even if you wanted to.
Do you really think a Vanquisher would work with something like you?
Jab, after jab, after jab. I tried screaming, tried blocking my ears, tried running away, tried waking up, but nothing worked.
I was trapped in the nightmare, my fears being voiced by the villagers.
You'll always end up alone.
That Vanquisher will leave just like everyone else in your life.
Your past will always define you.
You'll always be a Slayer.
My mother was unconscious beside me as the cabin burnt more and more and the villagers shot insult after insult.
It was the worst kind of torture.
But then Izzy appeared.
She was in the far corner of the cabin and her lips moved but her words were inaudible, the crackling fire and the villagers overpowering them. I tried to get closer to her, but I couldn't get up. So I called her name. Again. And again. And again. But she didn't move.
I roared, dreading the nightmare but knowing there was no way out. I had to endure this until morning, and who knew how far away that was. I lifted my knees to my chest, holding my palms against my ears as I shut my eyes in a futile effort to drown out the noise.
Beside me, my mother shifted. I opened my eyes to see hers open too.
"Mother," I croaked.
Her expression remained impassive, but she whispered, "Jaeger."
My brows scrunched, confused as to how she spoke without moving her lips when I realised that she wasn't the one speaking. I turned around and there stood Izzy.
"Jaeger," she whispered. "Wake up."
I shut my eyes again, shaking my head. I couldn't get out of the nightmare. I tried. I had to wait it out. I had to—
She suddenly bent beside me, placing her hands on my cheeks and forcing me to face her. Her hands were cold despite the blazing heat in the room.
"Wake up," she whispered. "Please. Jaeger."
The longer I looked into her nut-brown eyes, the more the voices faded until the only sound left was the crackling, but even that felt distant.
I didn't know why Izzy was in my dream, but I didn't care, because she pushed the nightmares away. Her lips curved into a smile, and then her eyes flickered behind me to where I knew my mother lay. I looked back at my mother to find that she was awake and seated up-straight now. I looked back at Izzy but she was gone.
The fire suddenly reappeared, blazing hot—and the villager's voices, but they weren't in the cabin anymore.
Half the roof crumbled down to the ground, and I realised my dream was turning into the memory I remembered. My mother proceeded to beg me to promise her, then she pulled me into a tight hug and whispered, "I'll always love you." Despite it being a dream, it still hurt to hear those words, it hurt to have to leave my mother each time I had the dream. I tried to hold on to her, as I always did, but she pushed me away, as she always did.
My eyes darted open and I found myself in a post-nightmare panic. My breathing was fast and my heart was racing, but when my eyes landed on Izzy, who was above me, I thought I was still sleeping, though something about her eyes convinced me that I wasn't. I was awake.
"Izzy," I breathed, my breathing calming.
I felt her tense, her eyes flooded with several emotions I couldn't identify. Her hands were cold against my cheeks, just as they had been in my dream, and I realised she had been trying to wake me up.
"Are you okay?" Izzy asked me, her voice unbelievably soft.
I nodded before asking, "how long were you trying to wake me up?"
"Too long," she said, her voice cracking at the end. "What happened to your mother, Jaeger?"
Something leapt in my chest at the sound of my real name on her lips. "She was killed by humans."
"But why?" She pushed, "what happened?"
"Jaeger," she whispered my name when I didn't say anything. "Have you ever spoken about what happened?" when I shook my head she said, "tell me. Speaking about it helps, I promise. So tell me."
I should have kept my mouth shut. Should have left. But no. I spoke. I told her about the fire and the villagers but made sure to leave out the part about my mother being human and me being an Impurity.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, and I didn't think she was aware of the fact that she was brushing my cheek with her thumb. "I'm so sorry."
I swallowed. I didn't know why I told her all of that, but only now that I finished did I regret speaking at all. I didn't like that look in her eyes. The pity. It only made me feel small, made me feel vulnerable, and I didn't like feeling vulnerable. Vulnerability always ended in someone taking advantage of you, I experienced it first-hand, and I didn't want to experience it again.
So I drew my lips into a thin line and feigned indifference.
"Don't be," I said and made to sit up and remove Izzy from above me but she suddenly brought her hands to my shoulders and shoved me against the bed. Surprise took over my indifferent expression, and I questioned the rapid beating in my chest. "What are you doing?"
"That's not how you respond to a sympathetic apology."
"I don't need your sympathy," I made to sit up only to be pushed back down again.
"How long ago did you lose your mother?" She asked. "Why are you still having nightmares about it?"
"I don't forget as easily as you humans do."
She shook her head, "that's not it."
"Then what is it?"
"You don't have anyone to talk to about it," she said, and she must have felt me stiffen beneath her because her expression softened. "I haven't forgotten about the day I lost my parents. I remember every detail, but it's because of the people around me that my nightmares stopped. But you couldn't confide in anyone, you didn't have anyone to comfort you, and that's why you're still having the nightmares."
I suddenly felt resentment. Not for Izzy, but for myself for opening up like I had. I shouldn't have said anything. I didn't deserve anyone's comfort, not for the things I had done. I deserved to burn. To die. To pay for my sins. I didn't know why Izzy seemed like she cared, I knew she still hated me and wanted me dead, just like everyone did.
I didn't like the way she was speaking to me like I was a normal person, because I was far from normal. She was treating me as if I wasn't her enemy, but it wasn't like she didn't know that someone like me deserved this kind of suffering. This loneliness.
I swiped her hands from my shoulders and sat up, stopping inches away from her face. "And so what, Izzy?" I demanded. "Would you like me to thank you for pointing out how alone I've been all my life? Are you volunteering to comfort me?"
She swallowed, lowering her gaze, and I thought it was only because she couldn't hold eye contact any longer because she knew that she didn't really care, but then I realised her gaze had lowered to my lips. It lingered for only a moment before meeting my eyes again.
And just like that, my mask faltered. But I clenched my jaw, forcing myself not to lower my gaze to her lips. I clenched my fists next, ignoring the sudden urge to wrap my arms around her. I was suddenly extremely aware of how close we were. Of how close our faces her were and how warm she felt on my lap.
I didn't understand what was wrong with me. First, I spoke too much about my past. Second, I couldn't even remain impassive in her presence. Third, she was evoking emotions in me that I didn't understand.
"Because if you are, I think you need to redefine your meaning of hate," I found myself continuing, unable to trust myself in the silence. "You hate me, as you've said many times, so you should want to see me in pain. You should have left me to handle my nightmares on my own.
"No, you should have killed me in my sleep" I amended and her jaw tensed visibly. I continued, "I don't need your help, or your comfort, or your opinion."
She didn't respond, her gaze unwavering. She suddenly whistled, and only when the dog jumped onto the bed did she get off of me, leaving an odd coldness in her wake. The dog took its place in the centre of the bed while Izzy got back into the blankets. I watched as she faced the dog, petting her golden fur.
Several seconds passed before she finally spoke.
"Liar," she whispered, and then her gaze flicked to mine. She suddenly laughed to herself and said, "it's funny, I felt exactly like that." She shook her head, "You surprise me, you know? I never knew vampires could have feelings, that they could experience pain that wasn't physical, but here you are, hurting. And I never thought I could have something in common with a vampire but here I am, relating to you.
"You better not treat me any differently just because you told me this. And just so you know," she added with a knowing smirk. "I still hate you," the smirk turned into a full-on smile.
And I could only stare at her.
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