I had post-traumatic sex-dream disorder. Or PTSDD for short.

I couldn't even look at Elias for the rest of the day. Not. At. All. 

I couldn't look at him when he emerged from the cursed bedroom, all sleep rumpled and adorable, because when I saw him all I could remember was how his phantom main-lead hands felt kneading my bratwurst. 

I couldn't look at him at breakfast when he offered me some of the fruit he had collected from the continental buffet. Because when I did, I just remembered how he sucked on my neck in the dream, exactly like how he was lapping at the slice of watermelon in his hands.

I couldn't look at him when we went skiing again and he tried to guide me down like the first day. Because when I did, all I could remember was how his kiss felt and how his tongue tangled with mine in a teasing tango.

I couldn't look at him when we returned back to the hotel room and we all gathered around the TV to watch a movie and relax. Because when the TV couple's cat came on screen, all I could focus on was the way Elias had called me kitten in my dream, and how that had actually made me bust an unconscious nut.

And I definitely couldn't look at him when we both climbed into bed on that second night, because my Pavlovian response was to pop a bloody semi under the blankets. Suddenly, when there was a certain soccer captain and a bed in close proximity to one another,  my Excalibur wanted to fly out of the rock and... get its rocks off.

So yes, I had a bad case of PTSDD, and it was debilitating because every time I saw Elias, heard Elias, smelt Elias, all I could hear was his voice whispering 'kitten' in my ear, his fingers fondling my fun bits, his own staff of pleasure knocking on my back door...

What made things worse, was that everyone definitely noticed. Sure, they probably didn't realise the reason why I suddenly couldn't look my best friend in the eye was because I was having vivid recollections about a very erotic dream I had starring him as the titular star, but they did know that something was up.

Even though we could sleep in a little later on our last day of the trip, since our check-out time was at 11am, I found myself puttering around the shared living area packing my bag since having Elias's warm body lying next to me wasn't conducive to a good night's sleep.

"Jeez, you're up early, Lex. What's up?"

At the sound of my sister's lethargic voice, I merely turned my head to acknowledge her presence, stuffing my pyjamas violently into the bag I shared with her. 

Clearly sensing that something was off, my sister walked up to me and began massaging my shoulders, making me slump and sigh in defeat.

"You know what, we can pack after. Let's go pick up some breakfast and coffee. We can bring some stuff back for the other two while they rest," Amber said, tugging me up with a small smile, handing me my thick jacket and pulling me along beside her. 

Even though it was early, the ski village was already buzzing with people keen to get out on the slopes, and Amber kept her arm looped around mine as we weaved between people. It didn't take us long to reach the small bakery and coffee shop down the road from our resort, the two of us ordering a selection of pastries and coffees for everyone.

"Aubrey is worried about you, you know," Amber said suddenly, turning to look at me with a slight downturn to her full lips. "I am too. You've been acting really out of it since yesterday. We haven't had any time alone until now, so if you want to spill, I'm all ears."

Trepidation began to rise up in my belly, but when I looked into Amber's eyes, I remembered that this was my sister, my Ambs, my literal other half. I could tell her anything and everything without judgement or shame, and she would help me shoulder the pain, as I would for her.

So, I told her about the traumatising dream (bar some... sensitive details), about how I was weirded out by it and am now unable to look Elias in the eye, and how every time I see Elias and Aubrey getting closer and closer together over the course of this trip my heart cracks a little more. 

Amber just listened, nodding every now and then, only pausing to go pick up our order when it was ready. Nestling the pastries close to her chest as I balanced the coffees, we began to make our way back to the chalet, walking slowly as we continued to talk.

"Lex, I've been watching the three of you the past few days and..." Amber started, pausing as she seemed to struggle with finding her words, gesturing vaguely with her free hand. 

"And...?"

"And, I don't know..." my sister murmured, looking thoughtfully into the distance with her lips slightly pursed. "When I watch the three of you, the way you interact, it doesn't seem like Elias and Aubrey are into each other that way at all."

I snapped my head towards the blonde next to me incredulously, spluttering.

"Ambs, hello, did you even read 'Say No to Bad Boys'? We know for a fact that Elias - perfect, wonderful, sane Elias - is in love with Aubrey. Aubrey is just a bit slow, remember? With Xander now out of the romantic picture, it's obvious that they're going to get together. It's literally written in this world's lore," I said glumly, taking a sip of my coffee and hissing as it burnt my tongue.

"Are you sure, Lex?  Because I'm seeing this from sort of an outsider's perspective. You guys are... a tight knit trio, maybe you're too close to them to see things as they really are. You know, 'can't see the forest for the trees', as they say," Amber said, clicking her tongue and shushing me when I opened my mouth with a rebuttal. "Look, Elias and Aubrey are really close, don't get me wrong... but she doesn't look at him any differently from the way she looks at you. And if anything, Elias always seems to be paying extra attention to you..." Amber said, my heart picking up its speed at the gravity of her words, even as unbelievable as they were.

Stupid Lex, stupid. Don't get your hopes up, or you'll be like every other unfortunate second lead every written!

"Ambs, don't say things that are just going to give me false hope. Elias and I... We're best friends in this world. At least, I'm sure that's how he sees us... He sleeps like a fuckin' log when we're in the same bed together, while I'm lying there like a beached whale trying not to get a boner."

"Well, I'm just telling you what I've seen. That being said, I've only known those two for, like, the duration of this trip whereas you've been hanging out with them for over half a year, so you know them better than I do," Amber said, shrugging as we trudged back up to our room, our conversation looming over me heavily.

"Ugh, I hate having feelings," I grumbled, Amber laughing a little at that, patting my back.

"Just think about it, Lex. Remember, I'm always on your side," Amber said, the two of us approaching the door. 

Before we opened it, we could hear the voices of Elias and Aubrey wafting from behind the heavyset wood, Amber's hand on the doorknob pausing as she looked at me, raising a brow.

"I don't know how to tell..." My brow crinkled as I recognised the words were being said by Elias, despite being slightly muffled by the door. 

"It's okay... Just say it..." Aubrey answered in a hushed but earnest tone, sounding so supportive and gentle, traits that had made the Elias in the book fall in love with her in the first place.

I was torn between hanging around and eavesdropping, or just walking away to leave them to their privacy. Walking away would be the right thing to do, so I grabbed Amber's wrist with a silent sigh, about to tug her away and leave the protagonist and her man to bask in the beauty of this moment, but Elias's voice stopped me dead in my tracks.

"I just... I know you... more than a friend... really like you," Elias voice said, my ears only able to pick up fragments of his sentences, but they were enough to piece together what was happening. My stomach dropped, my hand that grabbed onto my sister's wrist tightening as I stopped us from leaving. I knew that eavesdropping on their conversation was horrible, but...

But Elias is confessing his feelings to someone. And that someone isn't me.

Amber's eyes widened slightly, likely hearing the same words I did, my sister inching closer silently to press her ears against the door without a shred of shame.

"Alex... should tell him..." Aubrey continued, my heart stuttering at the mention of my name.

"Don't know... should know but... No, I'm worried he'll..."

Elias's words were a stab to the heart, the echo of his voice in my head twisting the blade around and around. He was worried about telling me about their relationship? Worried that I'll... what? Not support them? Be jealous? Be upset that I've officially become the third wheel to their novel-worthy romance, like I had always thought I wanted to be...?

"Lex..." Amber whispered, eyes drooping with pity as she delicately held my hand, which I noticed was trembling ever so slightly as my emotions began to cascade over me. I quickly turned away from the door, fragments of my heart a trail of broken glass behind me.

We avoided the room for a little while longer, until the coffees turned lukewarm. If Elias and Aubrey wondered why the coffee was cold when we finally went back to the room, they didn't ask.

No, they just smiled and thanked us for the coffee, happy as can be, because nothing could get them down when they were so, so in love.

***

I pretended to sleep the entire bus ride back, this time wedged between the soccer captain and the window. Instead of leaning on Elias's shoulder like he had with me on the way up, I opted to smear my face against the cold glass as I tried to collect my dispirited soul.

The smothered words I heard this morning still rang in my mind, the proof of the love my friends shared for each other running amok inside me. There was a strange tangle of happiness for their happiness, mixed in with the bitter syrup of unrequited love. 

But, alas, was that not expected, considering I was the poor second lead? The archetypical gay best friend who unfortunately fell for the beautiful, perfect, straight male lead?

Now that I lived through the bleak reality of these kinds of characters, I found a new appreciation for them. Who cares about the happy protagonist and the happy main lead? People needed to give a little love to those often nameless side characters whose happiness was shunned by the sheer glow of the OTP, forever destined to lurk in the shadows. 

Suddenly, Elias tapped on my shoulder, shaking me 'awake'.

"Hey, Alex, we're back," Elias murmured in my ear, voice gentle and coaxing as he softly lulled me out of my supposed slumber.

Faking a wide yawn and a stretch, I thanked my best friend, gloomily collecting my bags and jumping off the bus. 

Before I could say a hasty good bye and grab Amber to go back to the Hart family home, Aubrey skipped over to my sister and linked her arm around hers with a wide smile, my sister just looking at her curiously.

"Hey, if you're free Amber, want to do some formal dress shopping with me? I could really use a helping eye, since you're so fashionable and all," Aubrey asked, bubbling with excitement as she scrolled through what looked like a row of screenshots on her phone of colourful dresses. "Since you've decided to come to our formal, you'd need a dress too, right? Let's shop together!"

"Uh..." I blubbered, looking at my sister. Strangely enough, she didn't seem too fazed by Aubrey's invitation, and I was lost. 

When had the two girls become such good friends? Did I actually end up snoozing on the bus ride back and miss a whole plot point? Amber, weren't you scared of your body's ex-nemesis and super not keen to go to our formal? And Aubrey, weren't you weirdly wary of my sister because your innate protagonist's senses saw her as a threat to your happily ever after?

I mean, good for you guys - I'm all for my sister gaining a nice, supportive friend like Aubrey. But still - Amber, you're ditching me so fast? Your bro is hurt.

"Eh... But... Ambs... Your stuff is in my bag...?" I asked weakly, gesturing to the heavy duffel bag I had slung around my broad shoulders, my sister waving off my concern.

"Eh, It's just some clothes, I'll just pick up my stuff later today? We were looking at dresses online on the bus and it's really stirred up my urge to shop," my sister said, shrugging as Aubrey clapped her hands in excitement, already babbling about which stores they should go to first.

"Yay! Alright, I'll see you guys when school starts up again next week! Bye!" Aubrey said, steering my sister towards the approaching tram.

"Ah, wait... huh?" I continued to splutter, glancing at the retreating back of my sister and the burdensome baggage I was holding. Elias just laughed beside me, nudging my shoulder with his and jerking his head across the road.

"Come on, I'm not really keen on following the girls around while they try on dresses. And besides, I wanted to take you somewhere, if you don't have any plans?" Elias said, eyes holding mine for a moment before dropping downwards, dark lashes fluttering against his cheeks. 

Oh... Is he taking the opportunity to let me know that he's now dating Aubrey? Is this about to be a deep and meaningful bro talk?

"Uh, yeah, sure, I don't have anywhere to be right now," I said calmly, trying not to let my breath hitch when Elias looked so relieved, the slight tension in his shoulders dissipating into the crisp air.

We walked for a short while until we reached a familiar park; it was the same one where we had laid upon the grass and stared up at the luminous sky all those nights ago. It looked different in the day, the green painted across the ground startlingly bright under the sun, the trees a vibrant emerald.

Elias stepped ahead of me until he was in the middle of the grass, dropping his bag down before turning to me, sun at his back and a halo of gold around him. His lips were curled up in a slight smile, and I felt my heart flutter.

"Gonna join me?" Elias asked, slowly lowering himself onto the grass, much like that day. I huffed out a laugh, jogging over to the boy I loved and carefully lying down beside him, making sure I didn't get too close.

Elias didn't say anything for a little while, the two of us just staring up at the bright blue sky, the lazy white clouds drifting overhead, our breaths punctuated by an occasional trill of a bird up in the trees. Then, Elias let out a tense sigh.

"Actually, I brought you here because I have something to tell you," Elias said slowly, and I flinched. I knew it was coming, I had tried to prepare myself for it, but it still hurt. But, I hoped that Elias would just throw up the words 'I asked Aubrey out and now we're dating and so in love', ripping off the proverbial bandaid so I could trudge home and lick my wounds over a pint of ice cream.

"Mm, what is it?" I asked, not turning to look at the boy beside me, because I was sure I would start bawling my eyes out if I saw the sparkle in his eyes when talking about the girl of his dreams.

"I... I mean... I..." Elias started, before grumbling under his breath, "God, this is harder than I thought."

"It's alright, you don't need to be afraid, you can tell me anything. I won't judge you or... get upset," I said, steeling myself.

My words seemed to loosen up Elias's taut nerves, the boy letting out a slightly breathy laugh. 

"Of course you'd say that," Elias smiled. "That's one of the reasons why I..."

Elias's words trailed off again, and I didn't interrupt him, not wanting to scare him off when he was finally confessing his true feelings about Aubrey. I just lay there, staring up at the sky, trying not to cry while keeping my face completely neutral.

Come on, keep it together, Lex! Let Elias say what he needs to say, then you can go home and cry yourself to sleep. That's the way! You can be a pussy any other time, just not right now!

"Alright, I'm just going to say it," Elias said, clearing his throat and turning to me. 

Ah, here it comes... 

"Alex... "

I'm in love with Aubrey.

"I'm in love with you."

Ah there we go. Yep, see? I already knew you were in love with-

Wait, rewind that for me?

My head snapped towards Elias, my whole body jumping up before my mind could even catch up, blue eyes staring down at the main lead blankly. Elias looked surprised with how fast I moved, but sat himself up quickly, almost stumbling over his words.

"I mean it, I really do love you. And I know it might be shocking to you, but I thought I was being kind of obvious... But you're a little dense sometimes, but I love that about you, too," Elias continued, rambling punctuated by short little laughs and coy glances, his fingers knotting together. "And I've wanted to tell you for a while, but I always thought you were... Well, lately I've thought that maybe you might also like m-"

In the cacophony of chaos in my mind, I could only pluck out one string of words, words that I had been holding onto as gospel since the day I died and landed in this once-fictional world.

"But... aren't you supposed to be in love with Aubrey?"

Elias's mouth snapped shut then, whatever he was about to say lost to the void. The two of us were suspended in silence, time slowing to a standstill.

Elias stared at me, hands clenching and nails biting into his palm, face crumpling like flimsy paper.

"I mean... I always thought..." I stammered, trying to reconcile Elias's words about loving me with what I knew about his feelings for Aubrey. 

What I thought I knew...

Elias let out a broken, defeated laugh.

"You're always doing that, never... never taking my feelings seriously. You're always pushing my feelings onto Aubrey and..." Elias said, voice scratchy as he stood up, shakily brushing the grass off his pants, avoiding my eyes, before seemingly realising something, eyes hazing over. "Is that because you've known about how I feel all this time? Were you just... playing clueless? Were you just stringing me along, playing along with my obvious attempts to... You... You just couldn't say no to me, could you? Because you're too nice. I told you that once, remember? Because you..."

"Elias, I... That's not what I..." I tried to find the words, to refute what he had just said, but I couldn't find it in me to do so. Because, deep down, I had always recognised Elias's... kindness towards me. I had always noticed how he would sometimes say things to me that he would say to the person he liked, but it never crossed my mind that it was meant to be directed at me. I always recognised when he would say something particularly smooth or flirtatious, but he was right - I'd always push his actions back towards Aubrey. Because it's always been written that he loved Aubrey... The entire basis of this world was that the protagonist and the main lead would find each other, and in 'Say No to Bad Boys' every single road lead back to Aubrey...

Elias let out a pained sound at my silence, sniffling as a violent gust of wind shook through the trees, the crashing of the leaves deafening. 

"You could've just said no. But instead of that, instead of just saying that you don't like me in the same way that I like you, what you've done... Giving me false hope and then... pushing my feelings away, and using the feelings of others, imaginary ones at that... It's just... just plain cruel," Elias's voice cracked at the end, his words thin and strained, but he pushed onward, grabbing his duffel bag from the ground with trembling hands.

"Elias..."

"No, I'm sorry, Alex, but I... I can't do this any more. I just... I think... I think I need some time alone."

Away from you was left unsaid, but those words written between the lines were as clear as day.

I need some time away from you.

Elias didn't wait around for me any longer, his face carefully blank apart from the slight quiver of his jaw, and then he was running. Running away, away, away. 

"Oh..." I breathed out, hand clutching at the fabric of my hoodie resting over my restless heart, which seemed to bleed all over the ground. I felt a slight wetness drip down my cheek, and I raised my hand towards my blurry eyes, suddenly realising that I was crying.

Overhead, the clouds gathered, distant thunder a beat of drums that matched the dull thudding of my heart.

And then it rained, making me laugh bitterly, my tears mixing with the sky's own sobs.

Ah, pathetic fallacy. How very, very predictable. 

A/N: sorry not sorry :P