Hey everyone! Update on Chris Bright (aka Loser Thief): he blocked me (lol) and his page is still up!!! But the comments you guys are leaving seriously are helping out and also some of them crack me tf up so keep it up so we can get this untalented hack off my d*ck for good.

So here's an update anyways, cheers to the readers dropping a link to my profile and attacking his "peanut sized brain" XD

And now...

THE CHAPTER YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR...

AND THE CHAPTER THAT WILL MAKE YOU SCREAM AT YOUR PHONE AND CURSE MY BLOODLINE...

C H A P T E R 4 0

During breakfast the next morning, spirits are high.

The circulus sits around the table, laughing, joking, and of course, lightly arguing. Jae's mate, the Gamma of Crimson Shadow, Isaiah, even came to breakfast, though I Know that they argued about that. Jae wanted him to stay in the medical center for longer, but he insisted that he was fine.

And he is. All of the wolves are.

Which means my job here is done.

"I mean, Dorian killed half of the hunters himself," Knox complains. "I only got to kill two!"

"You got two?" Layla screeches. "I only got one!"

I laugh, rolling my eyes.

"Are you sure you're not hungry?" Killian whispers to me while the circulus compares kill streaks. "You should eat something."

I shake my head. "I'm not hungry." And I'm not. Eating something would certainly make me throw up. The Sight is getting stronger, killing me slowly in the process.

"Katrina, if you don't eat something I'm going to-" Killian begins irately, but Jae's mate interrupts, probably for my benefit.

"Katrina, I really have to thank you one more time for all you've done," Isaiah says for the fiftieth time.

I sigh. "Isaiah, that's really not necessary. Trust me, I can See how thankful you are."

"Oh, right," He says, taken aback slightly. He is also deeply confused by how strong my Sight is. All of them are. "Well, still, you should hear it. Actually, all of the wolves that were taken are planning a party for you next week. A thanks-for-saving-our-lives kind of thing."

"Actually, I'll be leaving later today," I say smoothly.

Everyone goes silent.

For about a minute, nobody says anything.

The calm before the storm.

Until Killian coolly says, "If you'll excuse us, I need to have a word with Katrina."

Before I know what's happening, Killian grabs my arm roughly and pulls me into the in between. When we land, it takes me a moment to realize that we're outside, on a balcony of some kind.

"Killian-" I begin slowly, already knowing that this was going to be our worst fight yet.

"You're leaving?" he asks lowly.

I swallow. "I came here to find the wolves. We did. It's time for me to go home."

It's time for me to die.

"Home?" Killian sneers the word, and I take a step back. "What home, Katrina? Iron Claw? Where the wolves don't even know your name, where your parents didn't even bother staying once your sister moved? A shitty one-room apartment with absolutely no space?"

I flinch at the harsh words, but he barrels on.

"This is your home, Katrina. In Crimson Shadow. With the circulus. With me." His voice cracks on the last word.

"Killian, I had a life before you stole me," I say calmly, not wanting to escalate the situation further, but I don't need my Sight to know that my efforts are futile.

Killian snorts. "A life? Are you kidding me, Katrina? You had nothing. You had nobody."

His words spark my fury. "It wasn't much, but it was mine," I say angrily. "You had no right to just take me like that. No matter how shitty you thought my life was. It wasn't your decision to make. It still isn't your decision to make."

Killian is quiet for a moment, before saying darkly, "You aren't leaving."

"I am," I say calmly. "The wolves were found. I have no reason to stay."

I have an even better reason for leaving.

"No reason?" Killian yells. "Are you fucking kidding me right now, Katrina? That's how little all of us mean to you?"

"Yes," I say smoothly.

I don't mean it, obviously. But Killian would never let me leave if I didn't hurt him. Hurting him now will prevent him from being hurt much worse later on. So, I resolve to make this break as clean and dividing as I can. He can't come after me. He has to let me go.

"You're lying," Killian snarls. "Shane showed me through our mindlink how hysterical you were when we were getting the wolves back. You can't say you don't care!"

"I was worried about the circulus, yes," I say, keeping my tone level. "Of course I didn't want anyone to die. Anyone would have been worried."

"You're lying again!" Killian yells. "I saw what happened last night from Shane. You kept saying my name. Nobody else's. Mine. And you're still trying to say that you don't care about me?"

"I don't." I do. So much. Which is why I have to lie, lie, lie.

"Oh, you don't care about me?" Killian asks mockingly. "Is that why you cried when I came back last night? Is that why you wouldn't let go of me all night?"

A mistake. Something I should not have done, not when I knew that this fight was coming. But I was too distraught, too relieved when he came back.

"Why are you doing this?" Killian asks, sounding pained, and it makes my chest tighten so badly it hurts to breathe. "Why are you really leaving, Katrina?"

Lie, lie, lie. All I do to Killian, but after today, I wouldn't have to lie anymore. After a month, I wouldn't have to bleed, wouldn't have to be anything. I just have to make it through this conversation.

"Because I don't want to be here," I lie, and it's easy, too easy to say the words that I know will hurt him. I know him just as well as I know myself, so I know what will hurt to hear. "I don't like it here. I don't like you, Killian."

"You're still lying!" he shouts, his anger tangible. "I know you like me, Katrina! You fucking bit my Claiming spot! Stop fucking denying it!"

"I can connect you to another Seer," I say calmly. "There is a very good one in Midnight Bite. I'm sure for the right price, the Alpha would let you-"

"Are you seriously this fucking dumb, Katrina?" Killian yells. "I don't fucking care about having a Seer! This was never about you being a Seer!"

No, no, no. Don't fucking say it, Killian. Not now, not when I'm so close to dying. Not when this is over.

"Go ahead, Katrina," he says mockingly. "Ask me what this is about. Ask me why I demanded spoils of war from Cain. Ask me why would have torn apart every single person who tried to keep you from me."

I swallow thickly. "I don't care."

"No, if you're going to leave, you need to hear it!" Killian yells. "I have fucking been obsessed with you since I first saw you in Blood Lake. You can't leave, because I'm fucking in love with you."

Because I can't see, because I can't See, when he does what he does next, I don't see it coming.

Killian roughly grabs my face with his hands, and presses his lips to mine.

The kiss is angry.

No, angry doesn't even begin to describe it.

His lips roughly crash on mine, and he kisses me with so much anger, so much hate, so much desperation, it can only be out of love.

"Stop fighting me, Katrina," he snarls against my mouth.

I can't think, not when he's so close, not when he's so mad. Not when he's doing what I've wanted to do for so long.

I kiss him back.

Killian's hands move to my hair, winding around by the roots and pulling me painfully closer to him.

Even with my response, his fury doesn't lessen, not in the slightest. His mouth moves against mine aggressively, and he's so mad, his canines are out, and one of them nicks my lip. I'm sure he can taste the blood, but he doesn't soften the kiss, no, he makes it even rougher.

I'm fucking in love with you.

The words I hadn't wanted him to say, because I know he does. Have suspected for a while, had not wanted to acknowledge it. It's too painful, too wrong.

I should have stayed away from him from the start. This was all wrong. Would only result in both of us getting hurt. All I wanted was to die alone, die without leaving anyone to miss me.

It wasn't just Killian who this kiss would end up hurting, it's me, too. If I had never met Killian, I would have went into death much more peacefully, happily. I wouldn't have anyone to miss, I wouldn't have to say goodbye to anyone.

This hurts so much more.

This is what I have been trying to stop from happening from the start. Fighting with Killian, ignoring him when I know how he feels.

It would have been too easy to love him.

Too easy to imagine a future I couldn't have.

I pull away, gasping for air.

Killian's lips don't leave me as he releases my hair, wrapping his arms around me tightly. He kisses down my jaw, along my neck.

"Stay," he whispers against my neck.

"I-I can't," I gasp, my heart pounding furiously in my chest.

"You can," Killian insists, gently kissing my neck. "Stay. I'll give you anything you could ever want. I can make you happy, Katrina, I know I can."

I know he could have, if we only had more time.

The one thing he would never be able to give me.

"Stay," Killian whispers, and when he kisses my Claiming spot, I inhale sharply, and his arms wrap around me tighter. "I'll make you my Luna. You're already my everything."

"Killian-" I try protesting, try pushing him away, even though there's nothing I want more than to be closer.

"Stay," he repeats. "I'll give you pups, I'll give you a happy future, a happy ending. I'll give you anything, everything."

Tears spill down my face. It was too easy to imagine the picture he was trying to paint. Killian Marking me, spending my days with the circulus in Crimson Shadow. Pups. They would be beautiful, if they looked anything like Killian. Playful, because Killian wouldn't ever be a serious parent. Strong.

"Killian, let me go," I beg, but my voice is wrong, wrong like all of this. "I don't want to stay."

I can't stay. He will be able to get over a breakup, if this could even be called that-- he won't be able to get over another person he cares for dying, just like his mate did, just like his childhood Seer friend did, and just like I will in a matter of weeks.

Killian is better off believing that I'm a heartless bitch that doesn't love him. It will hurt less than knowing my true fate, my true curse.

He can get over our separation, but I don't need my Sight to see that him knowing of my death would kill us both.

I wouldn't expect anyone to understand this choice. No one but a Seer could possibly understand the weight that constantly beats down on our backs, the agony we cause by making choices, not making choices-- it's all the same. We are the cause of suffering, the root of others' pain.

"You're lying," he says angrily. "You're crying, Katrina! I know you don't want to leave. I don't want you to leave."

And I have to say this. Say this so it hurts less. Say it so he doesn't try to chase after me and find my corpse.

"I could never love you, Killian."

He freezes. "You don't mean that."

"I've never meant anything more." I can only hope I sound convincing, because I've never meant anything less.

He rips himself away from me. "No... No, we..." He sounds distraught. "The nights we spent together... I... I saw how you looked at me."

I can hear the doubt in his voice. I have to keep pushing until our bond is broken beyond repair.

"It was convenient," I lie smoothly. "It was never about anything besides sleeping."

"And how will you sleep when you're gone, Katrina?" he snarls. "How will I sleep, without your little hands clutching me, without hearing your little heart beating?"

I struggle to not wince at the pain in his words, thinly veiled by anger. "That's not my problem."

"How could you say that?" he whispers, all traces of rage gone, and I know that he'll let me go now. "You... You were supposed to stay. Three months was supposed to be enough time."

"It was enough time for me to find the wolves," I say stoically. "I want to go home, Killian. Take me back to Iron Claw."

Killian is silent. I've convinced him perfectly. I would know how, I had been convincing myself for months.

"I can't let you go now," he says finally, no emotion in his voice. "You're blind, you can't take care of yourself."

"I still have my Sight," I reply coolly. "And my sister is coming to take me to Blue Moon tomorrow."

A lie, but in case if he did try coming back for me, I had to throw him off my track. I will not let Killian know the pain of losing someone else. If I could have one dying wish, it would be that.

"You... You want to go to Blue Moon?" He sounds almost completely destroyed.

"My family is there, Killian," I say calmly. "It's where I belong."

"You belong with me." Now he's completely destroyed. He has no more confidence in his words.

One last lie.

"I don't want you. I never will."

I can smell his tears.

I'm not sure how much longer we stand there, completely still, completely silent.

"Very well," he says finally, completely collected. "We'll gather your things and go."

"Throw them away, I don't want them." Don't need them.

His voice is raw. "Katrina-"

"Killian, take me back to Iron Claw right now." Because if he doesn't, I won't be able to make myself leave.

"You... You're not going to say goodbye to anyone?" he asks in shock.

Goodbyes only make things harder, more painful. There will come a day when the circulus forgets about me, even Killian. If they know I'm dead, I'll be cemented in their memories in the worst possible way.

"No. I don't care. You should have listened the first time."

And he should have listened. Listened to all of the times I was pushing him away, told him I didn't want any of this.

Even worse, I should have meant it.

"Fine," he snarls, and roughly grabs my arm, and pulls me into the in between.

I Know I'm in my apartment. The same apartment he teleported me into when he first came to Iron Claw.

And everything is different now.

"Goodbye, Katrina," he says, his voice indifferent, though I know better.

Before I can say another word, he disappears, and the air feels much colder without him.

Once he's gone, I throw myself on the bed and sob.

Because I loved him, too.

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