A MORNING APOLOGY

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Betty Graham stood  at the edge of her back yard, the hose spraying the flowers she had planted in the back. It was too early to be awake after drinking, but Betty knew she needed to get the chores done before her mom got up or she wouldn't let her go swim at the club.

She had hardly been able to sleep, the thought of Conrad calling her his girl keeping her up. She knew it was an accident, but it was a messy one, the fact that Nicole had been standing right there. She knew her brothers had heard it too, and she was sure there would be consequences to that slip up. She ran her thumb over the small cut on the palm of her hand, realizing her and Conrad had yet to actually really speak to each other past formalities.

Betty shook her head wanting to clear Conrad from her thoughts but that was hard to do when she heard the sound of the gate opening next door, her eyes quickly averting towards the noise. Her stomach dropped when she saw that it was unmistakably Conrad, the sun hardly beginning to peak over the water as he made his way down to the beach.  Betty decided to mind her own business and turned back towards the flowers, shaking her head at the fact that he had appeared right when she thought of him.

However curiosity seemed to get her, and the fact that she needed to know what had gotten into him, a sigh leaving her lips as she started towards the water spout to turn it off. She tried not  to go after him still but his pull was too strong, and she found herself wanting to speak to him for the first time in awhile.

"Fuck." She said, dropping the hose and walking across the yard. She opened her own backyard gate and disappeared into the sand beyond the yard, hoping to catch him wherever he was going. When she came out to the actual beach he was just sitting there, folded up into the sand and peering out at the ocean. She stopped where she was and considered just turning back, she wasn't entirely sure if she was ready for this. However she felt that intense pull, and the guilt of leaving him on this beach alone the summer before, and she knew she couldn't walk away now.

He didn't notice her until she was sitting down beside him, and when he did notice there was someone beside him, he fully expected it to be Belly. So when he turned his head and realized it was Betty Graham, he felt his heart skip a beat as he looked at her. She was just looking out at the water, her eyes glued to the waves as he swallowed hard.

"What are you doing up this early?" He spoke first, his face empty but his eyes filled with something...something. Betty shrugged, pulling her legs up to her chest and answering him.

"Watering the garden." She answered truthfully, Conrad nodding to himself and looking away from her. They sat in silence but he slowly looked back towards her, his eyes taking the opportunity to really look at her. She was wearing a white tank top and a pair of bed shorts, he figured she must've thrown them on when she got out of bed. Her hair was fairly messy, his lips tightening as he looked back out at the water. Seeing her this close and this calm was enough to make a storm brew in his chest, the boy unsure of if he could sit here with her much longer. "So you and Nicole huh?"

Conrad's eyebrows twitched together for a moment, the boy immediately wondering why she would ask something like that. He clearly knew what she was talking about, but the fact she was bringing it up was enough to make that storm brew and some thunder crackle in him, his lungs feeling like they were shrinking as she sat there beside him. It bothered him how much she had an effect on him still, the way his skin raised with goosebumps just because their forearms had brushed against each other.

"Yeah I uh...I took her to the deb ball last year. We've kinda been talking since then." Conrad admitted, sounding as nonchalant as he could when he felt like he couldn't breathe. Betty sat in silence for a moment before she chuckled quietly, Conrad looking over at her. Her head turned towards him and she rest it on her knees, her eyes finally meeting his. He had bags under his eyes and she thought maybe he hadn't slept at all and that was why he was out here. "What's funny?"

"I'm just thinking about you at a deb ball...it's funny."

"What...me dancing or me in a suit?" Conrad asked, his lip turning up at the corner as she poked fun at him.

"Nah I've seen you in a suit before...probably more of the dancing part."

"I'm a good dancer I don't know what you're talking about." He had a ghost of a smile on his face as he leaned against his knees, her lips turning into a downward smile as she rolled her eyes at his claim.

"Right...says the guy who couldn't even hardly manage the cha cha slide at homecoming." He was quick to retaliate to the comment, the corner of his lip still turned up as he looked out at the water.

"I was drunk that doesn't count." He said, shaking his head at her as they both recalled her homecoming dance they had pregamed. She rolled her eyes at his excuse, a chill running down her spine as the air nipped at her skin. Conrad noticed immediately, his lips parting instantly to comment on it. His fingers flew to the hem of his red jacket and he pulled at it as soon as he spoke, Betty watching as he started to pull his jacket off.

"You must be freezing...here—take my jacket."

"I'm okay Connie...Con—really...I'm good—okay." She fought him on it but he pushed the hoodie over her head, her head shaking as she accepted the warmth from his body heat that was left over and the jacket itself. "Thanks."

He looked away from her, his eyes squeezing shut at the sight of her wearing his jacket. Looking at her hurt, his chest aching as he realized breathing the same air as her and being close to her also hurt. He felt ill for a second—overwhelmed—but Betty spoke and pulled him from his thoughts.

"You didn't sleep?" She asked him, her eyes directed towards the waves as they both watched the sun begin to rise further above the  horizon. Conrad realized she must have observed the tired look on his face, the bags under his eyes...he couldn't refrain from telling the truth.

"No. I couldn't." He said honestly, his head dropping to look at the sand as he admitted it. There was a short silence and Betty knew what she wanted to say, she just didn't know how he would receive it. This was uncharted territory, this was the first real conversation the two of them had had in a long time.

"What's keeping you up?" She leaped, scared to look over at him and see his reaction. She swallowed hard during the silence that followed, feeling his eyes burning into the side of her face and her neck.

"What are you doing?" He asked quizzically, an edge in his voice that told her she had agitated him. Unfortunately for the both of them they were both agitators, Betty shrugging her shoulders and  answering him as organically as she could.

"I'm asking you a question." She said, and she could tell he didn't like her answer.

"Yeah but why are you pretending like you care?" His words stabbed her in the chest and she turned her head and looked at him, her stomach turning as she realized he would think that she didn't care about him. He didn't know any better, that was what she had showed him. She wondered if she was overstepping but she couldn't help herself as she stuttered out a response, speaking truthfully to the situation.

"I do...I do care." Her words dealt a heavy blow on Conrad, the boy sneering for just a second as he heard them. He felt a pit in his stomach when she admitted those words, and hearing her say them  was something he had been dreaming of for a long time. For some reason they didn't satisfy him the way he always thought they would. He played into nonchalance, a small chuckle leaving his lips as he nodded.

"Right...why now though?" He asked her, that edge remaining in his voice. His question echoed around her subconscious and she thought it must've been a good one, because she didn't have an answer. It wasn't that she didn't know why, it was because she knew she had never stopped caring. How do you stop caring about someone that your soul is bound to? 

Betty let out a sigh, extending her legs and then crossing them beneath her. She rested her arms on her lap and just felt uncomfortable no matter how she sat, realizing it wasn't a physical discomfort soon enough. She searched her mind for how to answer him, he was looking at his hands now, still waiting for her answer but trying to act as if he wasn't desperate for her words.  She still didn't know what to say, she knew he wasn't a very understanding person, he never really had been...which is why she knew he didn't like her...hated her...

"Do you hate me?" She spit out, preparing herself for his answer. Internally she knew he did, she had broken his heart and left him with nothing. She deserved his hatred, more than she deserved his friendship. She deserved all of it and she knew that, but she still didn't know if she was ready to hear it. Are you ever ready to hear that someone you love hates you?

They sat in silence again and she wondered how long he would have to ponder her question. She wondered if he was trying to find the right words to deal the blow, if he was searching the vocabulary of his brain to say just what he had been practicing to say to her since they had broken up. The longer they waited the more she felt like she was getting sick, she wanted to know now...she hadn't realized how much she had wanted to know the answer until this very second.

"I couldn't hate you." His words hung above her  and stuck on her skin like some kind of glue, keeping her together. It wasn't at all what she had expected him to say,  and it was a relief when he said it. She felt her mind get fuzzy and she praised him for being gracious enough to not hate her, because she knew if it was the reverse that she would. It felt like her lungs had expanded and she was breathing in new air knowing he didn't  despise her, and this was a new page she was prepared to start on.

"I'm sorry you know..." She whispered, swallowing her pride and apologizing for what she had done. She knew it was why he couldn't look at her, she knew it was the reason he avoided her. Maybe apologizing would heal something in him.

"For what?" He asked, his head moving only slightly  to catch a better glimpse of her. The wind pushed her hair across her face a little bit and he had to physically fight the urge to move it, wanting to feel her skin but knowing he couldn't. Seeing her in his sweatshirt hit him  like he hadn't been the one to give it to her, a chill going down his spine as his mind began to spin.

"I'm sorry for that night." She spoke, clarifying.  Conrad felt something in his chest but he was quick to keep the nonchalant act up, knowing showing her a real reaction would cause problems. The walls he had built, they guarded his heart from her...and he knew not to let her words trick him.

"It's fine—it was a long time ago now." He tried to brush it off, but she shook her head,  reaching across the space between them and grabbing him by the wrist. This was cathartic for her—apologizing— finally getting the chance. She had been  fantasizing over the day she would get to apologize, to let him know how sorry she actually was.

"That doesn't mean anything. I still think about it a lot. It still-" He was startled by her grabbing him, the boy cutting her off and pulling his arm from her grip. He shook his head and there was an angered look on his face, she knew whatever he was going to say would be hurtful.

"I don't think about it. I actually forgot."

"Right." Betty said, putting distance between them and nodding her head. She bit at the inside of her cheek and wasn't surprised when she felt tears sting at the back of her eyes...but she didn't  let it get any further than the sting...her hands clasping in front of her as the silence became deafening. She should have known better...she knew he was cold. She got ahead of herself. There was a thick tension between them now, and she mulled over the words they had spoken over and over again until the  wind blew significantly and  seemed to stir something in Conrad's head.

"So you followed me out here for what? To apologize?" He asked with a sort of condescending tone, and Betty wasn't sure how much longer she wanted to be out here. Still she lifted her chin and spoke from the heart, wanting to put their problems to rest.

"Just to talk to you. To see if maybe we could be...friends this summer." The word friends singed her tongue on the way out and she knew it burned him too, even though the fire between them had been put out. Even though it had been a year. It wasn't a word that described them...but it was time to accept that it could.

"Friends? Sure." Conrad agreed, his mood changing swiftly from what it had been moment before. He actually sounded genuine for a moment, and it calmed her nerves that he said it. They were clearly going to be spending a lot of time together this summer, it would be better if things weren't weird.

"Good—uh...okay. So what's keeping you awake?" Betty said, and Conrad actually chuckled again, shaking his head slightly and  answering her.

"Let's work up to that, yeah?" She laughed at his response, nodded her head and then lifting her fist. He rolled his eyes and fist bumped her, the girl dropping her hand to her side and feeling triumphant.

"Okay." Ultimately she wasn't entirely sure how that had went. They were civil, and he was the same old Conrad...shut off and distant. There was clearly nothing left to say as they sat there so Betty pushed herself up from the ground and he didn't even look, his mind elsewhere already as she pushed her hair behind her ear. "I'll see you Conrad...I got shit to do."

"See you." He said back, glancing over at her.

"At dinner...tonight." She reminded him, the boy furrowing his eyebrows as he looked down at the sand.

"That's tonight?"

"Yep." She said, and that was all. She jogged back up the beach and made her way up the path, her heartbeat thumping dramatically in her chest. She tried to stop obsessing over the ins and outs of that conversation, but the assistance of another person kept her from focusing too hard.

"Morning Belly." Betty greeted, the younger girl looking at her in confusion. Belly's eyes raked over Betty Graham and she noticed the big standout, Conrad Fishers red sweatshirt she was wearing. Belly's smile faltered as Betty walked past her, her face falling all together as she looked back two more times to make sure she was seeing what she thought she was.

Belly broke into a jog and hurried towards the beach, a lump in her throat as she saw his figure in the sand. When she approached him she felt her stomach drop and her heart stop...he was in just a t-shirt and shorts, no hoodie.