Chapter 79 : Hurt

Perception is a fragile construct that humans tend to cling to in a world that constantly defies their expectations. We meticulously outline people, things, and emotions with rigid contours, desperate for them to conform to our narrow definitions. Yet, like a child's frustrated scribbles outside the lines, reality often mocks at our attempts at control.

It's a bitter pill to swallow when the intricate tapestry one has woven in their minds unravels before them, revealing the harsh truth of mismatched expectations. Disappointment becomes a familiar companion, reminding us of our futile attempts to contain the chaos within tidy boundaries.

Especially in relationships, we often create an ideal image of those we love. Over time, we shape this image based on our hopes and expectations, rather than seeing them as they truly are. We start to interpret everything they do through this idealized lens.

It feels safe and comforting until something unexpected happens. Suddenly, they reveal a side of themselves that doesn't fit into our perfect picture. It's like the ground shifts beneath our feet. We're faced with the reality that they're not exactly who we imagined them to be. It's a moment of utter disappointment.

This disappointment was not foreign to Aadarsh. Life had always thrown unpleasant truths and twists his way.

He had never expected his father to be a drug addict. He had never expected his mother who had always been so sorted and wise, to fall in love with a person like his father. He had never expected Siddhi, his girlfriend to leave him alone when he most needed a companion.

Past should have taught him better than to trust someone blindly. People never truly were predictable. Everyone had weaknesses, everyone lied, everyone had secrets.

Still somehow the fact that Ruhaani kept a grave secret from him hurt him like scalding liquid searing the tongue.

She was supposed to be the exception. She was supposed to be the one who was honest with him— the person who he could count on. They were supposed to be each other's safe haven.

Ruhaani was supposed to be perfect. She was so damn sorted, so damn resilient, so damn honest and straightforward; despite all the nasty things life threw her way. He loved her for that. She inspired him to do better, to be better.

The honk from the car behind him jerked him out of his thoughts. He drove the car ahead and turned to the right, to the road that led to Ruhaani's office building. He swiftly steered the car to the side as soon as he spotted her.

Ruhaani, who had been gazing at the cloudy sky, glanced back at the road. She spotted the familiar car and quickly walked towards it. Midway, she noticed that it wasn't the newly appointed driver behind the wheel, it was her husband. An instant smile lit up her face. The little unexpected joy upon seeing him was like the silver lining to the rather grim day.

It had been a week since they were back from the hospital. Their relationship had been strained by the one secret that he refused to confront her about and she refused to volunteer to explain herself. They were now back to being parents of three, their focus more on managing their children's needs than nurturing their own bond.

Both of their careers had taken a hit due to their absence. Nevertheless, their priorities remained steadfast— their family came first. Pari was still healing. For the twins, the new academic year had started. Abhi was busy with all the formal procedures of his relocation. Ashvi had off late busied herself with college work too. She was burning the midnight oil for her exams this time around. She really wanted to perform well so that her spot on the exchange program was secured.

As for Ruhaani, she had started going to work. It was a blessing that Badi Bua and Phupha Ji had moved in with them until Abhi left. Pari always literally had someone looking over her. Aadarsh was working from home, and he made it a point to check in on Pari once every two hours.

Life was moving ahead but they were somehow stuck back in time.

"Hi," she greeted, opening the door to the passenger seat in the front.

"Hey," he said back, their gazes meeting. He noticed the shopping bags in her hands, a hint of surprise crossed his face as he swiftly took them and placed them in the back seat. He watched her as she climbed in and settled herself.

She had donned a simple pistachio green cord-set, complemented by tiny black metal jhumkas dangling from her ears. Her hair was half pinned up and left cascading loosely, half of it drawn onto one of her shoulders. He had been busy on a call in the morning so he hadn't had the chance to see her before she left; and since then he had been restless almost. He missed their morning banters and kisses.

After fastening her seatbelt, she looked up at him. Her heart fluttered. She would never get over the beautiful feeling she felt upon being noticed, acknowledged, and quietly admired by him in his own gentle way. Sometimes she marveled how she had formed the assumption that he was and will never be big on expressing admiration.

"How come you came to pick me up?" she initiated the conversation. She missed heartfelt conversations with him. She missed the warmth of his words. She missed fighting and arguing with him. She missed how he never left the opportunity to tease her. She missed so much of him.

"The driver had to leave for home; his kid got sick," Aadarsh answered, his gaze returning to the road as he drove.

Ruhaani nodded thoughtfully. "You could have told me. I could have taken a cab."

"I didn't want you to," he replied, his attention fixed on the road ahead.

Ruhaani stole a glance at him. For all three cars at home there were newly appointed professional drivers who were also trained bodyguards. Aadarsh had explained that hiring them was just a precautionary measure to folks at home and there was nothing to worry about. Although he was the one who worried the most. They were still mentally and emotionally trying to recover from the nightmare they had lived.

She was positive that Abhi and Ashvi were already home by now, which implied that the other two drivers would be available. However, he still chose to come instead of sending one of them to pick her up. His little act of thoughtfulness touched her heart. She wanted to call him out for seeking an opportunity to be with her alone, but then let it pass. She didn't know how that would age, if there was a chance that he would withdraw more, it wasn't worth the risk.

"You went shopping?" he asked after a long pause fell. He hated the silence that crept between them more frequently off late. It was a devastating dilemma. He wanted to give her the silent treatment and be upset with her but darn that need to talk to her, touch her, make sure she was doing okay, to keep normalcy in their marriage always won out. He was too afraid to lose her, too afraid to hurt her.

"Yes, for Abhi. Sneha and I went during lunch. I got him some thermals, a winter coat, and gloves," she explained, glancing at him with a ray of hope. Maybe he'd let it go. Maybe he'd let the fact that he knew it, be a secret. That disturbed her more. Weren't they at a point in their relationship where they could without hesitation question each other, demand explanations, express hurt?

Aadarsh nodded quietly. He couldn't shake the feeling that she had never gone shopping for him. It took quite the effort to not make a comment about it. It was foolish, really, but he couldn't help but feel the petty sting.

Off late, Abhi was getting all her time, in fact everyone's time at home. Badi Bua made it a point to cook his favorite dishes everyday. Ashvi and Ruhaani doted on him while fussing over his packing and that idiot happily spent time playing with kids—who also made it a point to spend as much time with him as the could—and cherishing all the love and care he was being showered with.

"You should tell him how much you'll miss him," Ruhaani murmured softly. "He mentioned that you haven't said those words yet."

Aadarsh sighed, "I will, when we see him off at the airport," he deadpanned. Ruhaani rolled her eyes slightly, a small smile playing on her lips. It was amusing to see that Aadarsh still somewhere held onto a small hope that Abhi would never actually take the flight.

Silence descended once more. None of them made an attempt to turn on some music. Perhaps both wanted the silence to stay so they could both keep trying to hammer at it until a relatively normal conversation set in.

Ruhaani gazed out of the window. The cloudy sky threatened heavy rain; the monsoon had arrived early this year. She stole a glance at Aadarsh and then returned her gaze outside. She wondered what he was thinking. Why was he avoiding the elephant in the room? Had he given up on her? Every day, she waited for him to confront her, to demand an explanation, to express his hurt. But he remained unusually silent.

He didn't resort to ignoring her, as he often did when upset. Instead, he kissed her forehead each night before they slept and greeted her with a kiss on the cheek every morning. He spoke to her kindly, as if everything was normal. Yet, despite his gestures of affection, an invisible wall remained between them. Ruhaani loathed this unsettling feeling above all else. She couldn't understand what to make of it. She realized she would rather want him to ignore her or throw a tantrum than give her this.

"Thank you," Ruhaani said softly as they approached the door, noticing he hadn't held her hand as he usually did. It had become a customary gesture of affection for them, holding hands without any specific reason. If they walked beside each other, they held hands, no rhyme or reason.

Aadarsh barely had time to process the moment before the door swung open and Ruhaani was engulfed in the chaos of their eccentric family, pulling her into spontaneous debates.

He watched her attentively as she settled a debate between Abhi and Ashvi, then listened in on what Mukti and Ashvi were discussing, all while bending to give Nirvaan a kiss on his forehead as he sat cross-legged on the carpet engrossed in solving a puzzle.

The disquieting feeling of being physically near someone yet emotionally distant from them, gnawed at him. He longed for her, for his Ruh who used to be open and honest with him. Blinking back his thoughts, he turned away, attempting to push aside the painful realization—that Ruhaani had been concealing something significant from him, without a hint of guilt.

***

Ruhaani sat alone on the swing after putting the kids to bed, enveloped in the silence of the cloudy, breezy night. She was scared. She didn't know how to approach Aadarsh and that was a first for her. It had always been easy to walk up to him and resolve issues between them, however this time it was far from it.

She had been walking on eggshells around him lately. It was like she knew a timer was ticking and the explosion would come but she was just hoping for the situation to be miraculously resolved instead of finding the problem and resolving it.

Now she understood exactly how Aadarsh might have felt when she pushed him to share his vulnerable moments with her, to confide in her. It was hard. It was challenging, especially when you loved the person before you so intensely. The daunting feeling that nothing would ever be the same, the troublesome worry that you would never be the same before that person's eyes was terrifying.

She felt a drop on her hand and glanced down at it, then another on her cheek as she looked up. Gradually, more raindrops began to fall.

"Come on in," Aadarsh's soft, gentle voice cut through the unsettling silence of the night, a minute later.

Turning to the side, Ruhaani saw Aadarsh walking towards her with an umbrella. She couldn't help but gaze at him with longing as he stood before her. He slowly extended his free hand towards her.

"Ruhaani," his words were momentarily interrupted by a loud clap of thunder, "it's going to pour any second. Come on in."

Ruhaani was captivated by his eyes. Memories flooded her mind of the night in Manali before her birthday, where she had seen the same tenderness and concern in his gaze. They had been so close that night, yet far. She felt the same way tonight.

"Why are you putting distance between us?" she asked softly, her eyes at the verge of tearing up looked up at him. The drops from the sky grew frequent in their succession as they hit the surface of earth.

"I'm not pushing you away. Please, stop being stubborn and come inside. I don't want you getting wet and falling sick," he urged, gripping her wrist gently.

"Are you giving up on me? Or have you already given up on me?" she asked, resisting his pull as more raindrops fell around them.

Aadarsh's grip on the umbrella tightened, by the way she looked at him , by the words, he got the hint that she knew that he knew. His dark blazing eyes met her roasted-coffee-beans colored ones. "Get up, we'll go in and then we'll talk."

"No," she insisted firmly.

"Ruhaani," he paused, frustration evident in his voice, "why are you being so stubborn?" He looked around as the skies poured down harder with occasional distant thundering. He tried to push the umbrella forward to shelter her from the drops but because of the two parallel chains that held the swing he could barley.

"Why are you being so stubborn? Why are you not confronting me about it? I know that you know. Devashish told me that you found out about it," she implored, frustration evident in her voice.

Aadarsh closed his eyes, muttering a curse. Devashish had no business talking about it to her. This was their matter to deal with.

"You're so damn annoying," saying that he dropped the umbrella and then shifted closer leaning forward to lift her off the swing in his arms.

"Aadarsh, no, you'll hurt yourself," she protested, sensing his intent movement and quickly maneuvering to stand on her feet, hands gently holding his in place. The last thing she wanted was to inadvertently aggravate the halfway healed wound on his back.

His gaze remained fixed on hers as she held his hands close to herself.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, raindrops falling between them as she looked at him.

He nodded, meeting her gaze. "Good to know," he murmured before firmly taking her hand and leading her towards the side.

Silently, she followed him until they reached the sheltered porch near the side wall of the house.

"Won't you ask me about it..."she pleaded, clutching his hand as he turned to leave. Her eyes shimmered with tears held back. "Please... don't shut me out."

He sighed and stepped closer to her. His fingers softly caressing her cheek and brushing away the strands of damp hair clinging to her face. She was really an idiot if she thought that after all they had shared, he had an option of shutting her out.

"You are an idiot, really, if you think that I don't know why you've hidden the truth inside yourself. I know what you've grown up feeling, I know how your uncle and aunty have made you feel all through these years, and I know you'd never want that for Pari. That's why you hid the truth and destroyed everything that could reveal it."

She nodded slowly, tears streaming down her cheeks, overwhelmed by his deep understanding of the unspoken. She had lived feeling like a charity case, she never wanted Pari to feel that. She did all she could to convince the world that Pari was her daughter, from changing all medical records to enduring the taunts for being an unfaithful wife to her first husband.

"But I am... I am... hurt that you to chose to hide it from me too. The first time we met, you immediately corrected the lie about your age and I liked you for that. At every step of the way, you told me the truth that your uncle and aunty disguised with their lies. Your honesty, the way you call me out on my hypocrisy, your straightforward attitude, that's what I love about you as much as I hate the fact that I am always the one getting bruised on my ego by that." He gently traced slow patterns with his thumb on her cheek, wiping away both the tears and raindrops.

"I always thought with you...I will never have to second guess myself. I always ...believed that you'll...make me your safe place , like you've become mine. And that's why it hurt...to know you've not just been hiding something so...significant. Something I should have known as Pari's father, something I would have wanted to know from you than any other way. I know you had your reasons Ruhaani. However it still hurts that all this while you've let me live a lie. And I guess, I deserve it... after all. I have done that too with Abhi. I guess it's just karma doing its job." With his eyelashes wet with tears, he blinked and then gulping the knot of emotions that had formed in his throat, he stepped away.

"Give me some time, I will..." he searched for the right words. "Learn to live with the fact that you'll never open up completely with me. That you'll choose to hide parts of yourself from me. It will take time, for sure, but my love for you will not get any less." Having said that he walked away.

Ruhaani closed her eyes, letting the tears cascade down. She never thought the truth would ever come out. She had thought it would die with her. But here she was... outwitted by fate as always.

For the first time in their togetherness, she was witnessing Aadarsh so deeply hurt because of her. He was so hurt, but he was still being kind. He was not forcing her to share with him. He was not angry, he was hurt; and that felt like a sharp blow to her heart. She didn't know if that was him giving her the space to be herself or giving up on a part of her.

Instead of walking into the house, Aadarsh walked up the stairs that led to the second floor where he had set up his temporary office. He had thought she would eventually open up. That she would tell him he was wrong to assume that she'd never open up. That she would stop him, and like always— tell him to stop being the idiot. She didn't. She still kept that wall between them behind which she was still hiding parts of her. Perhaps parts of her that he would never have access to, and that hurt because he had given all of himself to her.

***

Ruhaani watched Aadarsh as he entered the room. He glanced at her. Their gazes briefly meeting before Aadarsh walked in to the closet to change his clothes.

Minutes later he walked out, dressed in black cotton trousers and a back vest. He stopped by the wall unit, picked up the glass, drank some water and then walked over to the bed.

"You should sleep," he said quietly, laying down and pulling up the comforter, till his waist. Ruhaani who sat on her side of the bed, glanced at him.

Feeling her gaze, he looked up at her. He felt a brief twisting of his heart as he noted her face lit up by the stray lights filtering in from the window. She had cried too, he could tell.

She slowly shifted closer to him and then slipped right beside him. She moved his arm stretching it to the side, making room for herself and then settled her face close to his chest. Her arm slowly snaked around his abdomen and she held on to him.

Aadarsh took deep breaths sinking in her actions. He wanted to turn away but he couldn't. She needed him. He could sense that she was going through a turmoil. However unlike him she wasn't sharing it. They stayed that way as slow minutes tucked along.

Aadarsh finally gave up on the resistance and gently wrapped his arms around her, turning to her side. She adapted quickly, snuggling closer to him. He pulled the comforter over her, and the held her close to himself.

"I am sorry," she murmured against his chest.

Aadarsh released a long breath that he had held onto waiting for her to say more. He was disappointed, nonetheless he held her close until sleep took over.

***

Aadarsh stood before the mirror in the walk-in closet, fixing his collar when he heard the door of the washroom open. It had been two days since the night they had spoken about it. They slept in each other's arms, but never spoke about it. They talked normally but could hardly look each other in the eye.

Aadarsh casually glanced in the direction of the bathroom and did a double take. He didn't expect his wife to be wrapped in a towel, having her arms and legs at full display. A pale pink towel was wrapped around her curvaceous body, the edge tucked in securely at the center of her bust.

Her gaze met his, almost instantly a deep blush crept up her cheeks. She held up a kurti that was half wet. "This got wet," She explained flustered, ambling over to the other side of the ottoman where her clothes were shelved.

Aadarsh quietly looked at the mirror. Not at his own reflection but at hers. His gaze drifted down from her half covered backside to her legs. Slowly his haze shifted to the reflection on the other mirror. She was wearing her bra underneath the towel he could tell from the brown straps on her shoulder.

"Stop staring," Ruhaani mumbled acutely aware of his hair that roved over her reflection, indecisively shuffling between the hangers. She had seemingly forgotten exactly how her body and mind responded to his desirous look until the present moment.

A hint of smile made it to Aadarsh's lips. God, he really missed her. How could they be with each other and still not together?

He picked up the first tie his hand landed on and walked around the ottoman to her side.

She turned to look at him with wide eyes, her heart beating like it had just run a marathon. He had one white shirt with grey trousers. His hair was growing again, giving him a sharp bad boy look. She gulped as he stepped closer. Her gaze loitering to his lips as the tip of his tongue sneakily stuck out of his mouth to wet his lower lip.

Darn it, why so sexy? Oh, she missed kissing him too!

Aadarsh stepped still closer, invading her personal space, enjoying how her breath hitched evidently in response to his moves. Their gazes met like two opposite poles of a magnet.

Ruhaani momentarily forgot everything that was not him. She took her face closer to his. Like a moth seeking a bright flame.

"I need help with the tie." Aadarsh spoke clearing his voice, causing her to suddenly widen her eyes a wee bit and jerk back. He slowly raised his hand that held the tie, his eyes shining with a teasing amusement that Ruhaani knew all too well.

She narrowed her eyes at him. She snatched the tie from between his fingers. She quickly looped the deep grey silk tie around the collar of his shirt.

Aadarsh wanted her to call him out on his cheeky indulgence. He wanted back that Ruhaani who didn't hesitate to be bluntly honest with him, who spoke facts. However she didn't. "You seem peeved, all okay?" He asked to further probe her for a response.

Ruhaani smiled, straightening the two ends of the tie. She tugged at the two ends of the tie pulling him closer. He took in sharp inhale surprised at her move, as his face came closer to hers. His eyes darting down to her parted lips, as his hands settled over her towel wrapped waist.

Their gazes met again. "Why are you wearing a tie?" she asked in a soft voice, her fingers feeling up the material of the soft tie.

"I have a formal meeting with a client." He answered and then quickly asked, "Why are you wearing a towel, if you are already wearing your innerwear?" It took a great amount of effort to not tug at the towel and see exactly how she looked in that promising chocolate brown color.

Ruhaani's eyes widened a little, taken aback by his question, both amused and surprised by his boldness.

Instead of chiding him for his inquisitive inquiry, she indulged him, "how do you know I am wearing something underneath?"

Aadarsh smiled and almost immediately Ruhaani's lips drew into the most radiant smile. There twinkling eyes met. His palm gently shifted down to the side of her bare thigh, and then it smoothly moved upwards under her towel.

Ruhaani sighed deeply, and audibly, at the feel of his warm calloused palm. Her eyelids drooped, as he shifted still closer to her, their bodies making a soft contact. Suddenly her body craved for his. She wanted nothing more than him to take her to bed and show her exactly how much he desired her.

Aadarsh closed his eyes momentarily taking in her fresh after-shower scent, as he nuzzled into the side of her neck. His finger gently tugged at the waistband of her underwear, underneath the toe. "There, proved." He whispered, his voice low and husky, as his lips almost touched her earlobe.

"You only know now, because you touched." She murmured, over his shoulder. She needed more of that hand on her body. She needed more of the heat of his breath on her skin.

"No." He said softly, pulling back his face. His hand dropping down from inside the towel to his side. "I knew it from the confidence on your face." As he continued to speak, his hand raised up and now gently touched her cheeks; his knuckles brushing her cheekbones fondly. "Your emotions are always honest, they show up here, unlike your secrets."

Ruhaani's smile faded away as did his. Her eyes that had been twinkling with a rekindled desire were now washed over with guilt and hurt and his with a void.

The air between them had transitioned from romantic to awkward in the matter of minutes.

Ruhaani quickly focused back on his tie and expertly tied it into a perfect knot. Her gaze gently rising up to his as she gently corrected his collar. "Done." She whispered, quickly turning to the shelf to pick the first kurti she saw and then walked away feeling rejected.

Aadarsh simply watched her retreat. He closed his eyes once the door closed. He didn't know why it hurt so much. She was still the same damn person. He clearly loved her and wanted to spend every minutes of his life with her, if it were possible. Then why was just one thing that she did getting in the way?

Ruhaani stepped out of the washroom, this time around dressed in the royal blue kurti. She felt more embarrassment and anger than hurt. He initiated the whole thing, only to leave her cold with a taunt?

She was surprised to find him seated on the ottoman in the closet. She ignored his presence and quickly moved to the drawers near the mirror. She picked up a pair of earrings and quickly wore them.

"Ruhaani,"

She ignored him and quickly combed her hair and then tied it into a ponytail.

"Ruhaani," he spoke again, this time around his voice firmer as he got off the ottoman.

"Ruhaani, I am talking to you," he uttered with frustration, walking up to her.

"What?" she shot back at him with a fiery glare. "Do you have another taunt you want to make while touching me like you want me?" she snapped in frustration, taking a step towards him. She hated how needy she felt. She needed him to make her believe he still loved her.

He took a deep breath, "I...I am sorry, for that. It just..."

She didn't let him compete that, "kiss me," she uttered.

Aadarsh blinked, staring at her incredulously.

"You said, you will still love me. But you've been ignoring me since that night, and don't you dare try to deny that. You say you're not putting distance but you are, Aadarsh." She spoke furiously.

One beat passed and then another, before Aadarsh's arm reached out to her and pulled her to himself. He gently lowered his lips on hers and kissed her, just like she wanted to be kissed; deeply, passionately, like nothing could tear them apart.

• — • — •

Can't wait to read your thoughts and perspective on this chapter. 

I have seen all the comments on the previous few chapters. Needless to mention, that there is a strong difference of opinions and perception of almost all characters amongst readers. That's fine (and also a good place to reflect our understanding of life and people) as long as we all are respectful  towards each other. Requesting you all to kindly maintain the decorum in the comment section while expressing your thoughts and opinions.

Will try to post the next one soon.

Don't forget to vote ☆ on the chapters.

—Anami!♡