Chapter 69 : Mutual

Ruhaani reached the terrace almost twenty minutes later in search for him after being halted by Nirvan who wanted her help to find his dictionary that the girls had hidden to annoy him.

Her gaze slowly settled on his form, as he stood near the pool staring at the water, lost in his thoughts. A crystal glass of whiskey was in his hand.

She marched towards him. He sighed hearing the footsteps and turned towards her.

"That was quick. Done reading your love letters?" He poked a jibe at her.

Ruhaani fisted her hand, narrowing her eyes on him. "Why are you behaving like this?" her voice was tight and packed with annoyance.

Aadarsh scoffed, looking away from her. She had to ask? Was it really so hard for her to put it all together, despite last night?

"He's gone Aadarsh." Ruhaani spoke once more, her voice carrying a weary tone, barely rising above a whisper.

He slowly turned to look at her. It was the first ever time he saw sorrow in her eyes for her late husband. Maybe he just didn't know how to read those eyes until now. Maybe that sorrow was always there, he was just unable to read it. Or perhaps she was only letting him see it now.

"I know." He sighed, looking away again. He despised the jealousy he felt toward a deceased man. All he yearned for was to have her exclusively—mind, heart, body and soul. The mere notion of another man residing in her heart and mind, ignited his anger.

He was being irrational and immature, and he hated it. This is why he didn't want to embrace this feeling—love, it came with all sorts of messy feelings.

"Why does it matter to you anyway?" she spoke after gathering all her courage.

He turned to look at her sharply, thrown off the axis by her words. "Really?" He questioned her audacity to say that. A blaze passed his eyes.

Ruhaani drew a sharp breath out, looking down at the floor between them. She began moving towards him and looked up at him again. This time, she allowed herself to reveal the depth of her inner conflict, laying bare the emotions that churned within her.

"I don't understand you, Aadarsh. While your words say something, your actions say something else. There are times when you make me feel ...like I made a mistake involving myself with you and then there are times you make me feel like you were the best thing written in my destiny."

Aadarsh blinked, his eyes becoming heavy. He vaguely resonated with that feeling.

"I need words, Aadarsh. I need to know where's the lie, in your words or your actions. You make me a mess." She nearly cried, reaching out to grasp his free hand, as if not doing so would lead her to drown.

Aadarsh simply gazed at her, letting her hold his hand within both of hers, unsure of what emotions he should embrace. Sadness—that she still sought words or anger at himself —that he wasn't doing it right if she still needed words.

"Tell me Aadarsh. What does our relationship mean to you? I am sorry if I am pushing you or acting unreasonable but I can't help myself anymore," her voice was heavy with emotion, tears sprouted in her eyes. "My childhood, in fact all my life, has been a charity. At least until Daadi was there I used to feel like I was ... cared and love truly. But after her, it's just been people, including my own uncle and aunt, treating me like a charity case. I have grown up, hearing them tell the world how much pity they have on me, of how much unlucky I am and how they've done me a favour taking me under their roof and providing for me."

Aadarsh let out a weary sigh, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears as he observed her, absorbing the anguish conveyed in her tearful words.

"I don't want any more charity. I don't want our marriage to be that. God, anything but that. I don't want you to give me anything because you pity me for whatever reason— for being an orphan, for having had a miserable life or for being a single mother."

"You're not a single mother." He corrected her instantly.

She stared at him, tears streaming down her eyes. She felt helpless. She needed more than that. She was a trapped in a prison of insecurities and deprivation. It was like she got a twig to hold onto when she needed a boat to rescue her.

"I ...I ...God." He sighed, unable to bring the words out of his mouth, as he averted his gaze, fixing it upon the distant parapet wall behind her. "I am sorry if my actions or my words made you feel like I was no different from your uncle and aunty."

Ruhaani blinked, as a pang of guilt pierced her heart as she saw helpless in his eyes.

Reconsidering her words, she realized—he had never let her feel like they had made her feel. No. If anything, he had always treated her well. Made her feel like she belonged, made her feel like she had her own place, made her feel cared for.

Perhaps she was the one who was wrong in all of this. She was stretching this far, she was punishing him for the insecurities that clawed at her heart. She couldn't make him love her if he didn't.

Her love should have been enough, right? Then why was she constantly seeking a reciprocation? Why did it feel like she would never be complete without him, without him feeling anything for her?

"That's it?" she whispered. The last flicker of the light of hope in the darkness buzzed and died. Maybe he would never let down the wall for her. Maybe he didn't want to. Maybe she was always meant to be on the outside.

"I can't put my feelings into words, Ruh," he admitted, his voice tinged with helplessness. "It's just... all so tangled up and overwhelming."

She nodded, letting go of his hand. Her hands wiped her tears. She looked aside and decided to walk away. There was no point trying to relentlessly dig if there was nothing to be found.

His fingers curled around her wrist as she started to turn away. Slowly, she averted her gaze back to his, locking eyes with him.

"If there's one thing I have always been sure of, from the very start, it's that I don't want to hurt you."

"Yeah, like you're not." She snapped, hurt filled eyes staring back at him in agony.

He exhaled sharply, releasing her hand, and strode over to the lounge chair, downing the contents of his glass. The burn of the liquid paled in comparison to the fire kindling in his chest. Placing the glass down, he returned to her when he felt he could face her again. She stood there, simply staring at him, like the ashes left behind after a winter fire.

Aadarsh closed his eyes to calm himself. He had to do this, for her sake. He had to make her believe in him, in his actions. Even if that meant he had to get down to what had always been hard for him, expressing feelings in words. "I don't want to hurt you. It's not easy for me Ruhaani. And it fucking matters to me if you chose to ignore me."

"I didn't ignore you." Her argument was instant.

"Yeah, right. You chose to focus on a parcel instead of me."

"Aadarsh," Ruhaani uttered, pressing the tips of her fingers on her forehead. She didn't know how to explain it to him, clueless. A tinge of guilt was sprinkled on her helplessness as she realized he was not entirely wrong.

"I know. I should be more understanding. But I don't want to. All my life I have been very understanding. When Abhi was born, I didn't want to share my mother with him. But I had to be understanding. I have always had to be understanding... whether it was when Maa went away, or when my father chose self destruction instead of being the strength of his family or when I had to stand and see Siddhi walk away like I meant nothing to her. Or now when I have to understand Abhi's decision to move abroad for his career or Ashvi's to pursue her studies in another continent."

He fought back his tears, pressing his lips together. His hands reached out to hold hers. "I can't be understanding with you. I don't want to be. I want to be...selfish. I am so sorry." He bit his quivering lower lip.

Ruhaani gazed at him through her tears clouded eyes.

"I am ... not the ideal husband, I know. I have messed up many times. I have screwed up everything since the start of this relationship. I know. But Ruhaani, you need to understand that this has not been easy for me, it still isn't. I have had to fight my every feeling, my every logic, my every belief." He said, in a desperate attempt to make her understand.

Ruhaani found herself dumbfounded, simply staring at him through sheen covered eyes.

"I am scared. Scared of this feeling," his hand went to his heart, "that consumes me. I am scared to let anyone have power over me. Maa, Paa, Siddhi—three people who meant the world to me—just...left. Left me like...I didn't matter." He spoke swiping his hand before his face, gesturing toward the pool. He looked to the side momentarily, trying to compose himself.

He slowly turned back to her catching a breath, hiding the sorrow that cast a shadow over his face. "It's not easy, when you keep getting hurt to have the courage to be vulnerable again. And I swore to never let anything have a hold on me again. To never let anything matter to me so much."

A pause followed. Their gazes completely locked onto the others.

"But then you came along." He sighed.

"Is that a bad thing?" she whispered.

"The worst." He mumbled, taking a step towards her.

He lifted his hand and touched her face gently. "Your fierce spirit, your kind heart, your deep thoughtfulness and every little thing about you has been hammering at the wall, that I built to protect myself." Tears streamed down his cheeks. "You're the—worst, because I didn't want it and the best, because I think it has been all that I have ever needed— thing that has happened to me, Ruhaani. And that confuses me. I don't know if I need you or if I need to protect myself from you."

Ruhaani let out a sigh, tears wetting her eyelashes and sprinkling over her cheeks. "I won't hurt you, I promise."

"No, you won't. But loving you will, Ruhaani. Like it had, when you suggested to go away because you thought our marriage was nothing. Like it did when I came home today and all you cared about was the parcel I brought along and not me."

"Aadarsh," she whispered, her hand wrapping around his wrist.

"I love you, Ruhaani. I love you so damn much." He said softly, the pad of his thumb gently caressing her cheek, and in the process wiping her tear.

Ruhaani broke into sobs, struggling to keep her gaze on him. Those words were everything she had longed to hear from decades. To have someone in this big wide crowded world to love her.

"And there's no reason for it other than the fact that you're the most beautiful person I have ever come across. I love you for you, for what you are and for me. Nothing else. Those ....those are my words. And I will never lie to you, not in words, not in actions."

Ruhaani charged forward. With her arms wrapped tightly around him and her forehead resting at the base of his neck, she let go off the damn wall holding back her emotions.

She held onto him even tighter as her cries grew more intense. He slowly curled his arms around her. "Everything that has you matters to me, more than I let on, Ruhaani."

Ruhaani held onto him even tighter, if it was possible, her cries growing more bitter. He allowed her to cry it out, gently stroking her hair with one hand, while the other remained securely curled around her shoulder, his own eyes shining with tears.

When her cries subsided, she gently pulled her face back and looked up at him. "I love you."

He smiled and kissed her forehead before replying, "I know." His fingers gently wiped her tears.

She sighed, resting her forehead against the base of his neck again. She felt stupid for chasing behind words. But God knew, how badly she wanted to hear it, to be sure. She didn't want to always doubt his love to be a mirage.

She held onto him still tighter. He reciprocated that, hugging her tighter. It was the best bone crushing hug ever. One she could happily get used to.

After long minutes filled with comfort and solace, she slowly loosened her old and pulled away. Her coffee-brown eyes met his dark ones. Once upon a time she used to think they were pools of emptiness but tonight she knew they were just black holes filled with years of pain and abandonment.

Her hands slowly rested on either side of his face and tugged his face slightly downwards. "I love only you, Aadarsh," she confessed and sealed that admittance with a chaste kiss on his forehead.

He managed a small smile, nodding as his gaze lowered. A flicker of disappointment crossed Ruhaani's face, as she noted the lack of his confidence in her words.

"Aadarsh, I have told you before and I will tell you again. I might have been married to Harsh, a nice sorted man, who was kind to me, had a really good sense of humour and a very heartfelt smile; but I fell in love with you—arrogant, stubborn, rude only to me with a underdeveloped sense of humour."

He smiled slowly at her attempt to normalize things between them.

"Why?" He asked slowly, curious.

Ruhaani blinked. She didn't have the answer too. Why did she love? When exactly had she started harbouring these deep-rooted feelings for him? And as those questions crossed her mind there was the glimmer of one memory. One that made her lips slowly curl up in its reminiscence.

"Maybe since the time you saved me from a fall on that walk to the beachside. Remember? The day after our marriage. You held my hand throughout... the entire fleet of stairs ..." her eyelashes fluttered under the weight of new tears—those of love and joy.

He remembered that day and those moments very clearly. To think she had started harbouring feelings for him back then. "It was the bare minimum." He said.

"Yeah. But I never had anyone to hold my hand when I walked down the steps or when I crossed the road or when I was unsteady on my footing out of concern, before that." She smiled. "Guess, for some of us bare minimum is everything."

His hands slowly shifted from her waist to her hands. His fingers fitted against the grooves between hers and he held her hands firmly. "You don't have to settle for the bare minimum, okay? You deserve the world."

A smile tugged at her lips. "Who ever thought you could be say such sweet things to me!"

"Shut up!" he muttered, freeing his right hand so that he could wipe her tears. "You've made such a mess of yourself."

"Not more than you," she muttered.

"All your fault," he muttered, slowly leaning forward to kiss her cheek.

She stepped away abruptly, "You can't blame it on me!"

His hand reached out to hold her face but she stepped back to dodge.

"Ruhaani, careful!" he muttered, stretching his arm out to curl around her waist before she could drop back into the pool. With one strong pull of his arm, he pulled her to himself, away from the edge of the pool. Her soft body pressing flush against his. "You would have gone down!" He scolded.

Her lips curled up into a cheeky smile, "you wouldn't let me," she remarked.

"You're an idiot!" he mumbled.

Her smile broadened and her arms glided over his shoulders and her hands locked around the nape of his neck. Her cheek rested on his shoulder.

He took a deep breath hugging her, his elevated heartbeat slowly resting back to its normal. He knew with certainty that this adorable woman in his arms would never stop driving him crazy. There would never be normalcy with her because she was special.

His hands gently rubbed her back before his arms circled around her, holding her close to himself. He rested his chin on her shoulder. No matter how messy his life became, no matter how abnormal she made his heart function, there was now way he was letting her go now that he had all of her.

Ruhaani didn't want to let go. She didn't want the night to end. She just wanted to be in his arms. For now and for the rest of her life.

"Ruhaani," he said after minutes went by.

"Hmm, I don't want to leave you!" she protested as his arms loosened around her trying to pull away.

"Okay, Mrs. Sehgal," he mumbled, his hands settling on her waist. He gently lifted her up and at once she wrapped her legs around him. He walked to the lift.

Ruhaani slowly jumped down from his hold as they entered the lift.

"What happened?" He asked amused.

"It's inappropriate. The last thing I want is for anyone to see you carrying me around." She muttered sinking back into the metallic lift wall.

He placed his palm on the wall behind her and leaned over her. She hitched in a breath, her heart skipping a beat at the way he looked at her. Her gaze lowered to his lips as they began to move. "Trust me there are far more inappropriate things than that."

She blushed, meeting her gaze.

"We didn't press the lift's button." He muttered, staring at her with a smiling eyes.

She turned to the button pad to her left, as she stood against the wall. Her gaze slowly shifted back to him, noticing how he was looking at her lips. "There's a camera in the lift."

"Exactly why I haven't acted on what I wanted to do." He muttered, pressing the button and stepping back from her.

Ruhaani's cheeks burned as throughout the whole lift ride he had his gaze fixed on her. She held his hand, leading him out as soon as the lift doors opened.

Aadarsh smiled as she hurriedly tagged him along to their room. Once they had stepped inside, she shut the door and shoved him against it. He watched on as she closed all the distance between their bodies and kissed him with urgency.

He felt each of her hand hold each of his as she kissed him. Their fingers interwove slowly, just like their mouths fit against each others. It was slow, deliberate and consuming.

After what seemed like a stretch of minutes, they pulled away to catch a breath.

She then slowly raised their interlocked hands up and pinned his against the door.

Aadarsh stared at her, as she slowly leaned towards him. Her lips kissed the skin exposed by the open two buttons of his shirt. He sucked in a breath as her supple, wet lips brushed his skin, slowly and teasingly.

"I love you but this is not my way." He slowly pushed her hands back.

She pushed his hands back against the door, pressing her body against his to keep him in place. "It so much nicer when you are just being nice and letting me do whatever I want." She mumbled, rolling up her eyes to meet his.

His tongue poked the inside of his cheek as he held back a smile, gazing down at her. In one powerful swipe of both arms, he twisted both her arms to her back. She sighed against his skin.

"Certainly not tonight!" He whispered in her ears. His tongue licked the shell for her ear. "I have to worship you and then devour you tonight, so that you know exactly how much I love you." He whispered into her ears.

A knock rumbled against the door from the other side. Their eyes widened together as they looked at each other. He released her hands, placing his hand reluctantly on her hips, gently moving her away from him.

Dinner time, of course.

She smiled, "looks like the night has other plans."

He raised his hand and gently rubbed his thumb on her lips, eyeing her with a glint that promised he had something wicked running in his mind.

"Aadarsh," she whispered with a warning look on her face.

"I know," he sighed, his hand moving to caress her cheek. The knock rumbled again and they smiled at each other. They could her the kids arguing on the other end.

He stepped aside and walked past her to the closet.

"Aadarsh," she called turning.

He turned back to her.

"I love you."

A broad smile played on his lips. He blew a flying kiss to her and she pretended to catch it and put it in her heart. He chuckled shaking his head at her silliness and she grinned like a Cheshire cat. All that he was, was all that she ever needed!

• — • — •

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Next : Sunday

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—Anami!♡