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Chapter 68 : Dilemma 

The silence in the room in the wee hours of the morning was quite a contrast to the sounds it was filled with the previously night. The song of their union, the music of their bodies moving against each others, their gasps, sighs, moans, grunts and cries of pleasure. Presently, it was just the soft hum of the ceiling fan blended with that of the air conditioner.

Aadarsh turned and tilted his head down to look at his wife nestled in his arms. She lay on her side, her body turned towards him, as she hugged him in sleep. He was glad that they were done with the pillow between them for good. Though it would take him some time to get used to sleeping with someone holding him. His arm was curled around her holding her close. He smiled at her, lowering his lips onto her head, kissing her hair.

For years, he hadn't felt so damn emotional as he had felt through the night. He was crazy for her no doubt. Once upon a time he had thought that just being physically intimate with her would resolve all his feelings of attraction for her. How absolutely foolish was his thought process! If anything, he felt so much more closer, so much more attracted and so much more in love with her now.

He wanted to be the man who loved her, who had the power to make her happy, who made a smile appear on her face, who made her story a love story, who wrote love letters for her. He wanted to be silly again. He wanted to allow himself to just simply be himself, no more holding back on feelings, no more overthinking, no more fearing for the worse to happen, no more running away from her or her feelings.

His thoughts went back went to his almost completed letter. Maybe there were some more thoughts he could add to the letter before he gave it to her. He smiled glancing back at her. His fingers gently stroking her hair. He couldn't wait for reaction, when she read the letter. It would all be so worth it.

***

Ruhaani stirred as she felt something on her cheek. She slowly parted her eyelids, letting out a deep hum.

"Time to rise and shine," Aadarsh smiled.

"Yes, wakey wakey Mumma. You have to brush your teeth, take a bath, wear a nice dress, comb your hair, pray to God, then eat food and go to your office." Pari spoke, making her father beam at her with pride.

"Yes, Bhabhs wake up, or you'll be late." Mukti added.

Aadarsh placed his hand on the blanket to make sure her blanket remained in place as she woke up. He knew that Ruhaani wore nothing other than his t-shirt on top and a comfortable cotton underwear down after all their mischief last night. However, the girls didn't and Ruhaani probably still didn't have her brain all wired up and working, to realize that her appearance could raise innocent questions that they would have a hard time explaining. She looked at him with a sleepy face and then the girls. "Good morning," she mumbled.

Almost immediately Pari climbed over the blanket and crawled to her mother and Mukti nestled against her side hugging her. Aadarsh smiled. He could relate to their eagerness to embrace her. He wanted to be in her arms too. He watched on as Ruhaani curled each of her arm around each of the girls. She kissed each of their foreheads then.

"Girls, she is up. Why don't you both go and make sure breakfast is ready and tell Dai Jaan to pack tiffin. It will help Ruhaani." Aadarsh spoke to get the grill out of the room.

"Okay, I will pack Mumma's tiffin. I know how it's done." Pari said quickly and jumped off the bed, running out. Mukti dashed behind her, yelling and offering her help.

Aadarsh smiled at the girls and then back at his wife. "Had a good sleep?"

"No," she mumbled, "some beast didn't let me sleep." She let out a soft yawn.

"In your element already, I see." He murmured, bending down towards her, lowering his lips to her forehead.

Ruhaani blinked and looked up at him in awe. This was love. She knew it in her heart. She didn't care if her brain didn't find any tangible or physical evidence for it. Her parents used to do this for her right in the morning and while tucking her in bed. She did it for her kids out of love. That was all the logic her heart needed.

"You feel okay?" He whispered, as he slowly withdrew.

She slowly adjusted her eyes to the spectacular sight of him. She felt nice, loved and happy. She blinked and sat up straighter, composing herself as he raised an eyebrow, silently repeating his question.

"Okay? I feel like someone tore me apart."

Aadarsh perched on the edge of the bed beside her knees. "Really? I thought I was quite the gentleman last night."

She rolled her eyes, pushing the blanket off her to the side. Both their gazes dropped to her thighs that still had a few pale red imprints of his firm grasp from last night and then instantly met in the next incident.

"That's the evidence of your gentleness." She taunted, with the hint of a smile. She was just messing with him. He was quite a gentle lover through the night, very mindful of her comfort. But boy, that didn't mean he didn't do a good job. He did a freaking excellent job. She couldn't imagine it was possible to orgasm more than thrice in a night in real, but God it was. He had helped her materialize one of her book fantasies.

Aadarsh undid the top two buttons of the beige coloured shirt he wore and showed her the hickey she had left. "And that's the evidence of a tiger's attack!"

Ruhaani chuckled, her fingertips reaching out to caress it. She smiled widely, gazing up at him, her coffee-coloured eyes filled with affection, "does it hurt?"

"Now, it doesn't hurt that much. Maybe you can heal it too," he flirted, his eyes switching to her lips as he leaned towards her.

She pushed his shoulder back. "Too cheesy for you Aadarsh. Go back to your original version."

Aadarsh grinned, "Sure, than don't go around complaining I don't behave like a husband."

"Shut up, idiot. Move, I need to get ready for the day. As it is I am very late. All thanks to you!"

"Amongst you and me, you're the idiot. Understood?" He spoke, getting off the bed and standing, clearing her way. He then slowly extended his hand for her to hold to help her out of bed.

Ruhaani's gaze dropped to the hand. He was treating her like a princess since last night and she was loving every bit of it. She decided to indulge in it while it lasted. If only she knew that sex would make the arrogant Aadarsh Sehgal soft towards her, she would have consummated their marriage long ago.

"No carrier services?" She enquired, her lips slightly pouting as the corner of her eyes crinkled and a layer of playful glint appeared in her eyes.

Aadarsh stared at her, a smile slowly forming on his face, despite his attempt to hold it back. He stepped towards the bed again. Any other day, he would have a fitting response to her request, perhaps a jibe. However, today, he just wanted to pamper her. He lifted her off the bed, his one sculpted arm moved below her knees and the other curled around her upper back.

Ruhaani grinned like a kid getting an extra candy, readily looping her arms around his neck. She smiled at him as he walked towards the closet. They were both smiling at each other.

He entered the bathroom making her sit on the marble countertop that had the sink fixed at one end.

Their faces came closer as her arms were still around his neck, while his hands rested on her bare thighs. Ruhaani took a deep breath taking in his scent while he heaved a sigh. The moment suddenly became hotter. Aadarsh found his palms caressing her thighs and then slowly parting them to step forward and stand between them, closer to her.

"Aadarsh, what are you—" she rasped.

"Is it normal to want to ravish you again?" He muttered, closing his eyes, his forehead resting against hers.

Ruhaani felt her heartbeats rise. She slowly withdrew her arms from him and pulled away her face from his. His eyes flew open hurriedly, meeting her gaze.

"No, it's not. Not when you kept me from my beauty sleep to satisfy yourself through the night." She muttered. She tried to not get swayed by the seductive touch of his firm long fingers—the same ones that made her a volcano of pleasure last night.

"You're a freaking mood, aren't you?" he mumbled, his one hand gently reached her neck, his fingers gliding to the back of her neck, while his thumb caressed her cheek. "To remind you, you were begging for it last night and it was just half a night."

"Guess your brain was too fogged up with pleasure, Aadarsh. I was. Not. begging."

"Oh, you were. In ways more than one. In sounds more than one. It's imprinted in my mind." He replied with the hint of a smile.

"I was not." She narrowed her eyes at him.

"Yes you were," he argued.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No way."

"Yes, all the ways."

"No." Having said that she grabbed his shirt's collar, pulled him towards herself and shut his mouth, by kissing him. Aadarsh hadn't seen that coming but wasted no time in holding her face in both his hands and deepening the kiss.

Ruhaani was the first to break the contact of their mouths and pull back. She hated how he rendered her needy, like right now. With their breaths erratic and lust for each other fuelling up, they stared at each other. Aadarsh held her face firmly, slowly inching towards it to gauge her response.

She mimicked his actions and their lips met again. This time she wrapped her legs around his. Her feet feeling the soft fabric of his black trousers. His one hand dropped down to caress her thigh. Aadarsh broke the kiss. He shouldn't be doing this. It was a Monday morning. He was already running late than usual and so was she. The logical thing would be to back off and let her get ready for the day.

Fuck logic, his mind ordered and he quickly kissed her neck, his hand on her thigh drifting towards her underwear.

"Aadarsh," she gasped, feeling his fingers massage over the black fabric covering her most sensitive parts.

"I can be quick." He murmured against her skin. His other hand glided down her shoulder to cup her breast over the t-shirt.

Ruhaani didn't know what her body wanted. Did it want some rest or did it want more action? Her mind was all foggy.

"Mumma!" They heard a shout.

"Dammit!" Aadarsh cursed, quickly stepping back.

Ruhaani heaved a sigh of disappointment, running a hand through her hair. She really needed to get herself together.

"You get ready, I will see her." He said, and before turning to leave, quickly kissed her cheek.

Ruhaani tilted her head to her side staring at the door of the bathroom that he had shut and left. Couldn't she just keep him to herself all the time? Oh boy, she was whipped in ways more than one. She squeezed her thighs together sighing.

***

Ruhaani greeted everyone around, at the dining table. She was very late, others had almost finished their breakfast, except Aadarsh, whose plate still was full. After giving a hug and kiss to each of the kids, she settled on the chair at the end of the table. Aadarsh's eyes met hers and as weird as it was she could swear she felt a heat spring up in her core.

"Hey, Ashvi, how are you feeling?" she turned to Ashvi, deciding to not think about him.

"So much better. I think it was the mushroom starters."

"I had that too silly girl, in fact we all had that," Abhi immediately reasoned.

"I just have a sensitive tummy, okay?" She retorted.

"Okay, chipmunk. I always knew you were a lightweight." Abhi winked.

"But I am lighter than her," Mukti spoke up, and the topic just became a random conversation around the correlation between weight and strength with the kids pitching in their thoughts.

All the while Aadarsh and Ruhaani quietly ate from their respective plates, looking at each other. It was a rare kind of intimacy. To be around people, and to still find yourself in a silent companionship with one another person among the crowd.

It was when Abhi cleared his throat and said that he had something to announce that a sudden silence loomed over the table, with all eyes on him. Even from across the table, Ruhaani could spot the nervousness in her husband's eyes.

"I have decided to take the offer up." Abhi said, his gaze fixed on his elder brother. "I weighed all the pros and cons and I think it's an excellent opportunity for my career. One that I shouldn't let go."

Aadarsh nodded and then wore a smile. "That's great." He placed his hand on his brother's reassuringly. "Do whatever it is that makes you happy, you'll always have my back."

Abhi smiled, placing his hand on his brother's.

With heavy heart Ruhaani watched the exchange between the brothers. They were both equally disheartened by the decision. Maybe some decisions were just hard but had to be made nonetheless.

Aadarsh didn't meet her eyes after that. Abhi had already left for office by the time they had finished breakfast. Something told Ruhaani that Abhi was still not convinced with his own decision. She had seen a flicker of doubt in his eyes. She made a mental note to return home early to talk to him about it.

"Aadarsh," Ruhaani said, almost jogging to match his steps as he walked out of the home. Her arm stretched forward, her hand wrapping around his, holding it.

Aadarsh sighed. He turned to her, glad that he was wearing his sunshades. She would read his emotions through his eyes.

She took a few seconds and watched him. "Are you okay?"

"Do I not look okay?" He countered, trying to not be rude.

She released a sigh, her hand reaching for his black tainted glasses and took it off his eyes. His dark vulnerable eyes stared back at her. Her hold on his hand tightened and she stepped towards him.

"It's okay, if you're not okay. In fact, it will make more sense if you're not okay. I know how much Abhi means to you and having him around is your normal."

Aadarsh swallowed the knot of emotions down his throat. "I don't want to talk. As it is I am late, you're late too. We should... get going."

"Aadarsh," Ruhaani began and Aadarsh knew exactly where it was going. He couldn't just spill his out before her, just how much horrible he felt at the moment. He had made it a habit over years to not be vulnerable before anyone. It would take him to learn to be emotionally expressive before her.

"I know what you're going to say," he said softly. "But, please Ruhaani. Let me be for sometime. I need some time to...deal with it."

"Okay, but if you want to talk about it ..."

"You're right here, I know." He said meeting her gaze coloured with concern.

"Okay," she passed him a weak smile, putting his sunshades back up his nose.

"Bye, have a good day." Saying that he turned around and walked away towards his car, his hand slipping out of her hold.

Ruhaani exhaled sharply. If just an hour back she was thinking that they were closer now. She was wrong. His firewall was back up, leaving everyone out, including her.

She walked to her own car after she saw him drive his out. Typically, he opted for the chauffeur to navigate the bustling rush hour traffic, he didn't like driving through the traffic.

Approaching her car, she discovered the driver casually leaning against it, waiting for her. Curiously, she inquired about his decision to wait for her instead of accompanying Aadarsh. She was informed that he was given specific instructions to drive her to office because she wasn't feeling that well.

Ruhaani immediately began messaging him after she sat in the car.

"I could drive myself to office." She typed and sent. She waited but didn't get a response immediately.

It was only hours later when she was having lunch with her colleagues that she received his reply to the message.

"I know. But you were complaining of your legs aching last night, so I thought it's best if he drives for you today."

She didn't know whether to be happy that he was finally applying his thoughtfulness to her or upset that he had cared to reply more than four hours later. She began typing a message but then erased whatever her mind was planning to write. She kept her phone aside.

She was acting stupid. Just because they had taken their relationship one step forward, it didn't mean everything had changed. His thoughtfulness was also perhaps a part of being the perfect husband to keep her happy, because she kept his family happy. Not for her.

He was still the same man who told her he wouldn't love her. He was the same man who ran away again from sharing his feelings that morning. It was just her being stupid and thinking things had changed. The realization hit her like a brick wall.

What if last night was also because he wanted to thrive the marriage not because he wanted it because that was the way to keep her with him?

No. Last night was special. She had felt it. It couldn't be her imagination. It was mutual. The warmth in his eyes, the promise in kisses, they couldn't be false. There had to be something he felt for her.

She hated how conflicted she felt. She had almost started believing that he also harboured some feelings for her. But right now, she began questioning everything.

A strange fear crept into her heart. She could live with not having love from him, but she couldn't live with something that he had forced himself to show, not because he wanted to but because he thought he should.

Suddenly a rosy day had turned cloudy. Ruhaani found herself doubting everything, his actions and his motives.

What should I do Ruhaani? To make this marriage real, to make it something that's not easily disposable to you. What do you want?

What kind of husband do you want?

His words echoed in her ears. The fear gripped her heart tighter. She didn't want him to give her what he thought she wanted. She just wanted him to be honest. She didn't want charity. She had lived a childhood knowing whatever she was given was charity, she had lived all her life knowing it. Her marriage couldn't be that.

***

Aadarsh's footsteps were heavy as he walked towards the door of the house.

Just when he started believing that life could actually be worthwhile, something or the other always popped up to take away his peace.

His mind had been grappling with the news of Abhi's final decision to move out. Had he prepared himself for that turn out of the decision? Yes, he had. Hell, he had even started acting like a jerk, excluding Abhi, not talking to him much in the past week. He was trying to get himself accustomed to the idea of not having Abhi around. It was hard. However, he had started believing he was more ready to let go now than he had been before. But the truth was, he was not.

Abhi had been a constant in his life. His mother left, his father left. But Abhi, he stayed, like always. Ashvi stayed too. They were the constants in his variable world. But they suddenly wanted to go away too. How was he supposed to deal with that?

It was overwhelming for him to come to terms with it. Maybe it was all his fault. He made his siblings the centre of his world, forgot about everything else, his dreams, his ambitions, his hobbies, and a huge chunk of himself. All for them.

Now that they wanted to move on with their life, he was coming to terms with the fact that their life's had, somewhere along the years, seamlessly become an integral part of his life. It was hard to tear away a piece of his life and just let it go.

Everything had been in control and now it was not. Nothing was in place. It was all disintegrating.

Ruhaani's message, which he had only seen when he had taken a breather from the work—that he had immersed himself in order to not think about his personal life—had brought him a hope, like the light at the end of a dark tunnel. He would still have her. She would be there at least. He had begun to reason with himself like she would reason with him.

Maybe it wouldn't be that bad after all. Maybe Abhi and Ashvi would visit them once in a while. Maybe they would FaceTime and be up to speed with each other. He still had a family with Ruhaani. Maybe it was just life's way of telling him that it was time to shift focus. Maybe like Ruhaani said, he had to keep himself involved in the life of his younger siblings. Then he had Pari and Ruhaani too. They were still a family. Just because two parts of seven were going away, it didn't mean it was over. It only meant they had to adapt and keep themselves thriving no matter what the distance.

It was strange how just one little assurance, had turned around his day. Just thinking how Ruhaani would deal with the situation, just seeing things from her perspective had flipped his day. She made his life better.

Post lunch, he had set out to complete that handwritten letter, pouring his feelings onto the paper. Words that had been unsaid for too long found their way out, forming sentences that were a testament to the feelings he had felt for her but kept long hidden.

As the day progressed and turned into evening, he felt much better. He had a sense of purpose and looked forward to the night, to being home. Ruhaani was what he wanted for himself, what he needed. He wasn't going to let any other relationship in his life cast a shadow on what he felt for Ruhaani, on what he shared with her.

He was going to chose himself for once. He was going to be selfish and celebrate what he felt for Ruhaani instead of mourning over all the worse possible imaginations of what his relationship with Ashvi and Abhi could turn into.

He loved Ruhaani.

He was not going to let that weigh any lesser in his life. Yes, he loved his siblings, but he loved Ruhaani too. They had just made a silent promise to be together by consummating their marriage, he was not going to miss out on celebrating that because his brother chose to take a promotion, because his sister was choosing to go away to study. He was going to think about himself and what he loved and what made him happy, just like his siblings did.

By the evening, his mood was much improved. He now had a sense of purpose and an anticipation.

"Sir,"

Aadarsh turned around as the security guard sprinted towards him with a parcel in hand. He let out a sigh. He hoped it wasn't another role of those threats. Devashish's investigation had moved further and he had five suspects. Hopefully by the end of the month they would have found the man behind the threats.

"What is it?"

"This parcel came for Ruhaani Madam."

"Ruhaani?" He muttered, reading the name on it. "Did you scan it?"

"Yes, sir. It has a few papers and a cloth."

Aadarsh nodded taking the parcel in his hand and looked at the other envelope in the guard's hand. It had confidential printed on it.

"This is addressed to you. The font matches the threat letters." The guard informed solemnly.

Aadarsh asked him to hold the parcel and took the letter opening it.

"I gave you ample time to correct your mistakes and admit to you sins, Sehgal. Now it's time for action. No more animal sacrifices, now it will be human. Be ready!"

Aadarsh massaged his forehead reading the paragraph again. Maybe Devashish was right. This was just some person who had no balls and just wanted to make his life miserable. He folded the letter slipping it back into the envelope. "Send it over to Devashish." The guard nodded.

Aadarsh turned around after taking charge of the parcel and resumed walking towards the house. His eyes analysed the parcel for sender address. He turned it over to find a familiar name—Ojaswin Grover.

He slightly shook the box wondering what the man had sent Ruhaani. He remembered Ruhaani talking to him in the park. She had never really told him what they were talking about.

As he entered his room, he placed his bag on the desk and walked over to the bed. Just as he settled on the bed, Ruhaani walked out of the closet.

"Hey," he greeted her with a smile.

"Hi," she said, her gaze drifting to the box in his hand.

He got off the bed and walked up to her. "This is your parcel."

"I didn't order anything," she muttered taking the box from his hand. Her eyes curiously analysed the box while Aadarsh watched her. Just being around her felt so right.

"It's from Ojaswin, the captain we met in the park." He said. "What is it?" He asked stepping closer to her. His hand slowly moving towards her waist.

She looked up at him. "It's a few letters that Harsh had written to me that never reached me."

Aadarsh blinked processing that piece of information.

"He had said it will reach tomorrow. Looks like it was an early delivery." She spoke her mind, moving away from him to reach her phone on the nightstand.

Aadarsh curled his hand into a fist. A cloud of tension overshadowed his optimism.

Harsh wrote her letters.

He slowly raised his gaze to look at her to find her typing away on her phone with a smile. She then took a pen from he desk and went about opening the box. Without a word, he moved towards the closet.

A bitter feeling consumed him, it burned every bit of hope he had harboured since the evening. He reached for the letter in his coat's inner pocket. He scoffed, hurling it towards the dustbin in the corner of the closet, the gesture laden with unspoken frustration.

He turned around not bothering to see where the letter landed and got rid of his coat and folded up his sleeves.

Harsh still mattered to her. She hadn't cared to ask him how he felt or say anything to him like she would have, like she usually did, because she got Harsh's letters. Suddenly that late husband was more important to her than the one she claimed to have feelings for.

He shouldn't be bothered by it. He shouldn't. But he was.

Aadarsh stormed out of the closet to fund her on the bed. A Kashmiri woollen muffler was beside her along with a few folded pieces of paper. One was in her hand.

"I thought you had said didn't love him." His own voice was foreign to him.

She looked up at him taken aback. She saw a storm in his eyes, a fire of blazing anger.

"Aadarsh, he wrote this letters a few weeks before he was gone."

"Yeah. You should probably read them." He said in a tight tone. His face masked the turmoil within, a storm of emotions swirling beneath the surface.

"Aadarsh," she left the letter and followed him to the door.

He turned around abruptly. "What?"

"Why are you mad?" she asked in a grace voice.

"I am not mad. He was your husband. Pari's..." he couldn't get himself to complete it. He swallowed the lump in his throat and blinked furiously to keep his tears out, his lips settled into a tight line. "Just giving you the space you need." He muttered. With that he walked out banging shut the room's door behind him.

A silence loomed in the air as the echo of the loud sound died. Ruhaani inhaled sharply. The air crackled with unresolved tension, leaving their bedroom feeling like an emotional battleground.

She recollected just how hurt she had felt reading all those notes, diaries, letters and other pieces that had remains of his relationship with Siddhi.

She turned to the unread letters on the bed. Harsh's smiling face floated into her mind. She closed her eyes. The hurt in Aadarsh's eyes flashed before her mind. She bit her lower lip.

She swam out of the dilemma and opened the door and left the room in search of her husband. She had to confront him, to understand what was on his mind, to understand what was the meaning of their relationship. She was done guessing and assuming.

• — • — •

Looking forward to read your thoughts on it.

Early update cause I have a packed 2nd half of week ahead.

Next : Sunday/Monday

Don't forget to vote ☆ on the chapters.

—Anami!♡