Chapter 54 : Guilt

A man is perpetually burdened by the weight of what he possesses the capability to do but chooses not to act upon.

• • •

A good night's sleep could be food for the starving soul. Aadarsh had slept exceptionally well. The exhaustion of two crammed up work days, an uncomfortable flight journey seated between two very inconvenient co-passengers and a very bothersome internal war, had finally faded.

He had woken up a few minutes back, next to a very deep in sleep Ruhaani. His t-shirt suited her so much.

Temptations, nasty little urges!

Like the one he was fighting at the moment. The one to run his fingertips over her cheek, to stroke her hair.

He was drawn to Ruhaani in ways more than one. Every freaking time he tried to take a step back, she'd run a hundred towards him. Every time she took a step back from him, he flew miles towards her. This thing between them was somehow becoming dominantly inevitable.

Like they were always meant to find each other and fit together. Just like their lips last night.

Last night...

He let out a troubled breath. Last night one of these unpalatable temptations had slipped through one of the many cracks of his massive wall of defence.

He had never needed such an intense physical contact as much as he needed last night. He needed to feel her close to himself after those torturing days of being miles away from her. He needed that intimacy to calm himself, to tell himself she was right there, where he had left her.

His gaze shifted towards her. It was peculiar how the woman who hadn't stirred a trace of attraction within him upon their initial encounter, had now become the central figure captivating his every thought.

He got off the bed before he ended up doing something stupid. Like giving in to his tiny urges. Plus he had to be in office within an hour to take care of the signing of some important documents and talk to Devashish.

The gentle continuous buzzing of her phone had roused Ruhaani from her slumber. She had taken a day off, to prepare for Badi Bua's birthday and hence had set her alarm for an hour after her usual wake up time.

They had left the plan in limbo due to Aadarsh's absence. Their consensus was that if the eldest son returned home by Friday morning, they would proceed with the surprise party arrangement; otherwise, they'd postpone it to Saturday.

He had come back. Proving her gut feeling right.

A smile curled her lips as she remembered the previous night. The colour of diffidence slowly creeping up her cheeks. Aadarsh was being unusually nice, pleasantly agreeable and adorably sexy, off late. She loved every bit of it.

He was actually taking the steps to establishing something between them, towards being a husband in true sense.

But he doesn't love you. A small voice whispered in her head, pulling away the smile from her face.

Neither did he love her, nor did he want to. She was reminded.

She sighed, getting off the bed. Just her fate. At least he was with her. That was enough.

Making their bed she walked towards the closet. She was surprised Aadarsh was missing from the bed. She had assumed he'd stay home. But seemingly, he had other plans. Perhaps something at work.

Her fingers deftly gathered her hair into a swift, purposeful knot, as she strode into the closet with determined steps, her destination set on the bathroom beyond.

Her hair slid through her fingers, her attention shifting to her husband who came into view. He stood shirtless, draped in a wide, ivory towel cinched at his waist. He had just emerged from the bathroom with droplets of water still lingering on his impeccable, slightly sun-kissed complexion.

His gaze met hers equally surprised, as he stepped towards the tacks of his clothes.

Throughout their four months of marriage, an unspoken synchronization of their bathroom routines had flawlessly unfolded. Without the need for discussion, they skilfully avoided situations such as the present one.

Of course, a handful of exceptions had occurred when they had run into each other unexpectedly while the other got ready for an evening outing or an unexpected change of clothes.

Ruhaani's rational fragment urged her to maintain her gaze fixed upon his face. Yet, the troublesome other part triumphed, causing her eyes to lower to his neck.

The graceful rhythm of his Adam's apple caught her attention, undulating beneath her appreciative gaze. His broad chest with a delicate dusting of hair, expanded before her.

And then, there were those button like nipples. A sudden flush overcame her. Flustered her gaze lowered, which was all she had to avoid at the moment. Was he wearing anything underneath the towel or...?

She closed her eyes, turning her head to the side. Her lips were unusually parched.

"Good Morning!" Aadarsh said clearing his throat. He casually went to his rack of clothes. Ruhaani couldn't be a tad bit subtle with her gawking. He wasn't complaining. It was both a pleasure and torture to just stand there and see her rove her gaze over him like he was some sort of delicious candy.

Ruhaani opened her eyes watching his back. Muscles were so tastefully sculpted and draped over his bones. Her fingers twitched, longing to run over them as they flexed and relaxed as he moved his arms to pull out his vest from the rack.

"Morning!" She muttered and hurriedly made a beeline for the washroom.

Aadarsh's gaze followed her through the corner of his eyes, a smile effortlessly lifted the corner of his lips. He shook his head as a chuckle erupted at his lips, as he heard the door shut. "Idiot!" He muttered.

***

Aadarsh was watching her—like a hawk honing in on it's prey, from a distance with piercing eyes— as she helped Dai Jaan set up the table. He wasn't even looking away when she looked at him, like she had caught him red-handed.

He hadn't start eating even. He was talking to Ashvi, occasionally looking at her. He had still unresolved issues with Abhi which is why he plainly ignored his presence.

Once she settled on the chair at the end of the table and Dai Jaan on the one to her right, he looked down the table straight at her. She quirked up an eyebrow, silently questioning his look, a subtle tilt of her chin accompanying the gesture.

He gently shook his head and finally started eating. She couldn't help but feel certain that the grilled sandwich on his plate had lost its warmth. She hoped it hadn't turned stiff and difficult to eat. She watched him keenly as he bit into the sandwich. He chewed with effort, while Pari picked out tomatoes from inside her sandwich and placed it on his plate.

He shook his head, telling the little girl to not do it. She tilted her face to side and looked at him pleading her with those beautiful doe eyes.

And just like that, his scolding demeanour transformed into adoration. What a spectacularly weak man!

She watched him as he gave in to Pari's request of making a smiley with the ketchup on her plate. She smiled, her heart feeling full. Her gaze drifted to others on the table. Abhi and DJ were debating over whatsapp forwarded jokes, with Ashvi chiming in between. Mukti and Nirvaan were engrossed discussing about what they could make on the birthday card for Badi Bua.

In years, she hadn't felt so blessed. Tears made her eyes heavy and she quietly looked down at her plate.

When she had married Harsh, she had wanted a family of her own, she had wanted folks who loved her, she wanted a life that made her happy and content.

When she had married Aadarsh she had only wanted to secure a good future for Pari, a family for Pari, someone to have her back when she couldn't. She just wanted Pari to have what she never had.

But she had got so much more. All her wishes had been answered, and more blessings had been bestowed upon her than she could count.

Yet, something was missing.

Wasn't it being greedy if she even wanted Aadarsh's love just as Siddhi had it?

She swallowed the knot of heavy emotions down her throat and then bit into the sandwich.

Aadarsh eyed her with concern. For a few beats, he felt she was crying. Was she? Her head had been bent forward. He couldn't see clearly. He was uncertain, until he saw her hand discreetly raise up rub her eyelids.

And then, like nothing was ever wrong she looked up at the twins and smiled brightly as they asked her for her suggestions.

The weight of guilt pulled him even deeper within its grasp.

About an hour later, Aadarsh stood by the shoe rack near the door, slipping on his shoes, ready to leave.

"Aadarsh,"

He looked up at her. Their gazes melting so naturally and effortlessly into each other, like vinegar into water.

"Orange juice," she said extending the flask she had packed it into, towards him. Aadarsh had had tea with breakfast so he had missed out on the fresh juice that Dai Jaan had made. "You didn't have it so I...packed it." She explained.

He nodded. She was making this so hard for him. He took the petite bottle from her hands, his fingertips lightly brushing her fingers in the process. Her gaze instinctively fell to their touching hands, before swiftly rising to meet his eyes. Her hand withdrew hurriedly, an odd retreat.

"You better be back home in time. Phupha ji said he'll get Bua around five o' clock. But he said it could be earlier than that too. So, you ..."

"I will be home in time, Ruhaani." He said bringing her nervous blabber to a halt. What was up with her since the morning? Was it because of the kiss last night, or the morning's situation? Perhaps she was still mad at him for the stupid fight they had over call. It didn't seem like the latter to him. It had had more than these things. What was bothering her?

"Are you going to see Devashish?" She asked, as he regarded her with a thoughtful silent look. The quietude was suddenly very powerfully pricking. She had to say something to make it normal between them. So she had.

A weird tension was building, not the kind that could be loosened by a kiss. The kind that could seemingly tear apart people.

"Yes, he'll be in office. In fact, that's why I am going to office."

"Oh, is he okay?"

"Broken but working just fine with supports."

She nodded. "Good." She looked down at their feet. Why was her unease growing? What was causing this restlessness within her? Why was he so serious since the morning? Was something troubling him?

"Shall I leave, if you're done with your inquiry?" He asked, putting effort to inject a deliberate playfulness to his voice. He couldn't stop thinking about her, about her feelings, about what he felt for her. Her thoughtfulness for him only made him more guilty.

He didn't want to hurt her heart, but he was doing it by ignoring it. A strange fear had his heart in its clutches. What if she got hurt to the point that she stopped caring? What if she stopped feeling for him?

It was all he had wanted up until now. But something had changed. He didn't want that. Not anymore. After a long time, he found himself on the receiving end of someone's care and attention, someone who fussed over him; and as much as it annoyed him; in those tiny moments, it made him feel... alive, important and seen.

"Yeah, you can." She managed a slight smile. "See you soon."

The ghost of a smile appeared on his face. He looked at the door and then at her, cocking up an eyebrow, as though seeking a permission.

She rolled her eyes, her smile widening, "go!"

As he walked out of the doorway, a magnificent smile appeared at his lips. Unaware that the same smile reflected on her lips as she watched him leave.

***

"How was the mehfil in Lucknow? Did the Nawab treat you well?" Devashish asked as he walked into the chairman's office with the support of clutches.

Aadarsh looked up from the papers he was reading again for the third time and regarded the man with a observant look. Devashish slowly dragged himself to the chair.

"What?" He quizzed as he settled on the chair.

"How are you?"

"Good." Devashish grinned. "Received your bouquets and fruits basket. Didn't think you'd be so generous to send flowers and fruits for two days in a row. You must really love me."

"Two days?" Aadarsh blinked. Yes, he had sent him a bouquet of flowers and a basket of fruits, but only for one day.

"Yeah, two."

"I sent only one." He revealed puzzled.

Devashish looked entertained, "I got two. One on the same day you visited and another the next day. One signed as Aadarsh & Ruhaani, another as Mr. & Mrs. Aadarsh Sehgal."

Ruhaani.

Aadarsh should have known she wouldn't rest until she did something meaningful for someone. He remembered them discussing it on their drive back to home that evening. He had said he won't be sending any. She had as usual called him out for being rude.

However, the following day he had asked his assistant to send them and sign it as— From Aadarsh & Ruhaani.

"You didn't know, did you? Ruhaani sent it, didn't she?"

"Stop addressing her like she's your friend. She's my wife." Aadarsh muttered, sliding a document towards his side of the desk. "That's the contract, I need you to review it."

"Reality check, we are friends, so I can. She's quite... different, a good company I must say."

"What do you mean?" Aadarsh asked his voice coming out flat but a strange curiosity gripped him. Had Devashish and Ruhaani really gotten close in a few minutes of talking to each other? In two meetings? She was sending him flowers and he was talking about her ...respectfully. Usually when Devashish spoke about women, it was crude, it was borderline disrespectful. He didn't have a good way with words, especially when it came to this eyes chose to use for women.

"I mean..." He shrugged. "She's just different. In a nice way. She just makes you feel ... comfortable."

"You're talking about my wife!" Aadarsh hated the way he felt. It was like a fire dancing in his chest. He wanted to go back in time and never let Ruhaani meet Devashish. The fact that Devashish spoke about her nicely annoyed him. He wasn't supposed to even talk about her. No one was supposed to know she was nice.

And flowers... she never sent him or gave him flowers!

Sending flowers was a very intimate gesture. When it was from a woman to a man, it became even more so.

Devashish stared at Aadarsh. "I know. You don't have to be jealous. It's just that, you know usually women just flirt away with me. She didn't. You know that night I actually enjoyed a conversation with a woman. She asked me about how I started working here, about our rapport in office, about you."

"Did you tell her?" Aadarsh asked solemnity coming over his visage. "About how we met and you started working here?"

"No. No. Not that dumb. She would have ran the other away, if I told her you adopted me right out of Juvenile jail."

"Devashish." Aadarsh said in a tone tinged with reproach. They had mutually agreed never to bring it up again.

"Okay, let's talk business. By the way, express my gratitude to her. Tell her I really appre..." he was rudely interrupted as Aadarsh glared at him.

"Say another word, you'll go back to that hospital bed. You forget that she's my family and my family ...." Aadarsh warned.

"I know. I know. Your family doesn't get dragged into your work. And, I should not be anywhere around your family." Devashish muttered, glancing at the printed paper. He then looked up surprised. "Riyaz agreed, already?"

Aadarsh smiled. "You forget that I am your boss."

Devashish chuckled. "No, I don't. Just that Riyaz is..." he looked thoughtful, "shrewd. He doesn't make it easy for anyone."

"I know. That's why I want you to read the fine print of his terms. I was a bit surprised too, when he finalized the deal."

"Do you think he's gay? Maybe he likes you." Devashish said with dash of crude humour.

Aadarsh rolled his eyes in part response, further adding, "The man always had a woman by his side he while time. From what I heard, he even has three wives."

"I thought it was two. Must be having foursome instead of thr..."

"Cut the bullshit, DV. I need you to figure out what is he gaining out of this that we are not seeing. Also, I met a few of his friends who spoke surprisingly highly of you."

"Oh, really?" Devashish looked up with a proud smile. "Didn't know I had fans."

"I have told you before and I am repeating it again, DV. We don't get into dirty waters. Especially with businessmen who moonlight for dangerous people."

"I know."

"Then why on earth are they looking forward to business with us?" Aadarsh regarded him with a suspicious eye. He had often glimpsed his own reflection in Devashish. Only that Devashish was an unrestrained version of him. He didn't have anything to lose and that was precisely why he was a stronger version.

"Look, you told me I can do things my way, provided it doesn't come to bite you back in the ass. Just trust me, like you always have. I know what I am doing. And I definitely, won't go against you. Okay?"

Aadarsh sighed. He hated lack of control. But he also knew that Devashish was good at what he did. That man owed his life to him. He would never backstab him.

"You have time until Monday. Figure this out. And making any sort of deals with those fans of yours is forbidden."

"Yes, Boss. Is it all?"

"The signing of the other contract is at two, second floor boardroom ."

"I know."

"Any news about the truck driver?"

"Not yet. I am not in a hurry there. I am going to break his legs on my own and the doc says I have a few weeks more to be back to my old self."

Aadarsh eyed him with equal parts concern and evident disappointment.

"Come on! He almost bloody killed me. Not going easy on him. And don't worry as always... I will cover my tracks." Devashish slowly got off the chair.

"By the way, who is the woman waiting for you outside? She's smoking hot. Don't have side-chicks, do you?"

"Shut up, Asshole." Aadarsh scowled offended. "And what woman? I don't think I have any other meeting today." Aadarsh spoke, picking up the receiver of the landline.

He spoke to his assistant and was informed that a lady was waiting to talk to him. She gave her name as Ms Oswal and said it was urgent.

"I have no clue who she is," Aadarsh said, glancing at Devashish. "Do you happen to know any Ms Oswal?"

"I am afraid I am not that great with names of ladies, as I am with their body, you know." He shrugged.

Aadarsh shook his head in disapproval and instructed the assistant to send the woman in.

Within a minute, a woman dressed in black trousers and a blue top walked in. The colour drained from Aadarsh's face as he recognized the face.

"Siddhi!"

"Hey." She said, hesitantly turning to the other man who was looking at her from head to toe.

Devashish gave her a smile and turned to Aadarsh, mouthing "hot". His smile disappeared as he noticed how tensed his boss appeared. He looked between the two of them. "I will be out." He said and slowly dragged himself out of the room.

Aadarsh looked away from her.

"Please, Aadi. We really need to talk."

"I am not interested. Please show yourself out." He said, pulling up another document he had to work on.

"Aadi please. That night also you just disappeared in a rush. We didn't get a chance to talk. I had visited the other day as well, you were out of town."

Aadarsh blinked, staring at the table top. "Siddhi, I..."

She slowly stepped forward and sat on the chair. He slowly raised his gaze to meet hers. There was nothing, he felt nothing. A strange, absolute emptiness filled what used to be full with so many feelings, so many emotions.

"I never thought I would run into you like that." She admitted softly.

He remained quiet, pulling his hands off the desk as hers settled on the desk on the other side.

"I know, I have hurt you in the worst way possible. Aadarsh it was hard for me too."

He met her eyes with a hard gaze. "Yeah." He scoffed. "I bet it was."

She winced at his sharp words but managed to smile a little. "You look so different now, but you haven't changed a bit, have you?"

"You had to know me to make out if I have changed or not." He bit back.

"I knew you Aadi. And... I want you to know that I regret it. I should have been more..." She swallowed the unsaid words down her throat. "I read each and every one of those mails you sent me."

Emails. The ones where he pleaded and begged her to contact him. The ones he kept writing for a period of a year after she had left. At first every single day, then weekly once and eventually once in a month, until he gave up.

"Replied to none." He said staring at her.

"Sent none of the replies." She corrected him, a soft layer of sheen in her eyes. "Aadi, I know I took a hard decision and forced it on us. But I did what I thought was best back then.

Did I regret any of it? God, most of it.

Was I guilty? In ways more than one."

Aadarsh sighed. "We don't need to have this conversation." He said pushing back his chair from the desk. If she had come back to fix what she had shattered, she was too late.

"No. Please." Her hands glided forward on the desk. "My emotions have been all over the place since I saw you that night, Aadi. I hate to admit it, but maybe I was wrong Aadi. Maybe we would have survived the long distance."

"Okay, enough." Aadarsh said annoyed. "I need to be home soon. I need to get work done. I don't care what... you feel. Just like you didn't give one fuck for what I felt back then."

She lowered his gaze, as tears filled her eyes.

"You know, it took a long while ..."He spoke up, "it took seeing what real love looks like, to know that our relationship was about you. That I had been so damn naïve and stupid."

"Please don't, Aadi. I loved you and you loved me. It was as real as it could be. You and I we both know that."

"I thought so too. But I was wrong. It was always about you. What you need... what you want... your dreams."

"That's how you chose to love me." She snapped, visibly hurt by his words. "You were always there for me. Always there to make my dreams your. Always there to love me more than I loved myself. I didn't ask for it Aadi. You gave me that and I loved you for that. I loved you for who you were."

"What a way of showing it." Aadarsh scoffed.

"I didn't want our relationship to ever change Aadi. I couldn't do a long distance relationship. I couldn't make myself something, if I knew you were here struggling with your family problems. And I never wanted to blame you for any of my failures. That's why I chose to leave. I just couldn't explain it then, cause it took me a while to work it out, cause you were so damn stubborn. I just didn't want us to end up like my parents—tied together but always blaming each other for their failed careers."

"Excellent. You succeeded." He would have helped her fulfil every last one of her dreams. He would have never blamed her for anything. He had loved her so madly.

"Why are you being so bitter?" She whispered.

He stared hard at her. She was one huge part of the reason why he was so bitter.

"If you're done with expressing your emotions, you can leave." He said.

"Aadi, I just want you to know that, I read each of those emails you wrote to me. I came close to writing replies but never had the courage to send them. It wouldn't be fair. To leave you and write about missing you. You were my best friend not just a doting boy friend. In a new country, in a new life, you were the one person I missed the most.

Not having you around, was what it took to make me realize how well you knew me.

... it took years of being away from you to realize I had stopped loving myself because your love was always enough. Not saying that in a bad way. Just ...thank you Aadi. For loving me like that. Took a nasty breakup to realize your value.

You were one of those people who were my real treasures. Losing you was what it took, to realize there would never be anyone who would love me like you did." She sniffed, wiping her tears that had moistened her cheek.

Aadarsh just stared at her. Every time Siddhi used to be upset he would be unhappy, troubled... for her.

But right now, her tears didn't matter, he didn't understand her pain. He only felt bad for himself. For loving her so madly. For being so easily available to her that she inevitably took him for granted.

"I am sorry, Aadi. For tearing us apart. I just thought I was protecting us from something nasty. I was too blinded by fear to see that I was ripping apart something that one didn't come by easily."

He sat silently listening to her words. No amount of apologies would be enough to make him feel less hurt, less broken.

"Go away and never show me your face again."

She sniffed loudly, holding back her tears. "I wish you understood me, Aadi." She said in a broken voice.

He scoffed, looking away. His gaze falling on the bottle of juice on his desk. His hand reached out to it. Like holding it would somehow be equivalent to holding Ruhaani's hand. He gripped onto the flask tightly.

She slowly arose from the chair. She eyed him once before slowly turning away.

"Aadi," She said stopping near the door.

He heard her but couldn't get himself to look at her, to respond to that name.

"She's very lucky, your wife."

His gaze finally left the flask and looked up at her.

"Saw it on your Instagram. She's very lucky she has you...and your heart."

That was a punch of guilt aimed at his chest.

"I am lucky, I have her." He spoke, his voice slow, soft, words measured. Not revealing the massive quake that had hit him.

She nodded and slowly turned around, eventually leaving him alone in the room.

Tears rushed down his cheek. He felt like that broken boy again. Only this time, it was different.

He wasn't hurting because someone he loved had inflicted a wound. He was hurting because he was inflicting pain on someone. He was making someone else the victim of a heartbreak similar to the one he had been given.

A reality check had quaked through his world. He had given his all in to loving Siddhi, who chose to leave him. But restrained himself when the woman who had married him, moved in with him, made his world hers and loved him despite his constant rejection and stupid behaviour that always hurt her.

He ran his hands through his hair.

After every single falling apart, she found a way to make them come together again. Ruhaani did those little things for him that no one had done for him since his mother passed away.

He broke into cries, covering his face. It was too much, all so consuming, all so exhausting.

So exhausting to fight his feelings for her. So exhausting to run the other way from her. So exhausting to hide his every little feeling. So exhausting to do things that would push her away.

Why was he exhausting himself?

He could give in.

He could submit.

For her. For Ruhaani.

She deserved it, did she not?

What if it all fell apart somehow? Didn't it always end like that? Love was insanely consuming.

Just like it wholly consumed his father. His mother's death had killed him alive.

Just like it did for Shelly Bua. Her divorce destroyed her, killed her kindness, killed her good parts, made her cynical, made her everything she never was.

Just like his breakup made him empty. Made him purpose less. Changed him as a man, changed his principles, changed his life.

She's very lucky, she has you.

No, Ruhaani was far from it. She was unfortunate, to have him, to have a place in his life and yet have nothing from him.

He sighed heavily. He was so damn lost. It was so confusing. He wished his mother was here. To hold him, to calm him, to show him the way.

***

"I told you Ruhaani, we should have just called that decorator. Look at the mess." DJ sighed, her gaze moving around the messy living hall.

Ruhaani tiredly looked at Ashvi answered Abhi who were still arguing about the colour of the streamers. Mukti and Pari were arguing with Nirvaan asking him to help them but the boy refused.

To add to the mix, Ashvi had invited two of her friends to help decorate. The two were a anything but helping. Currently, one was shooting the reel of the other dancing with streamers around her neck.

"I am going back to the kitchen. This is your mess!" Dai Jaan announced.

Ruhaani took a deep breath. It was time to go all Hitler on this unhelpful crowd. "Abhi, Ashvi, Chhavi, Zara, Mukti, Pari and Nirvaan!" She shouted each of their names. Suddenly the chatter died and they looked at her.

"Switch off that music!" She commanded and Ashvi's friend Chhavi immediately complied. "Now, I am going to decide what needs to be done, how it needs to be done and who does it. We have an hour to go and I need the place decorated and cleaned by then. Understood?"

She began issuing instructions on what streamers were to be put up where while telling the kids what to keep where.

"Bhabhs, I had to go pick up the cake," Abhi said realizing there was a lot to get done.

"Nope. You're staying here and getting this done. I will ask Aadarsh to get the cake."

"He must be busy." Abhi reasoned.

"I will take care of that, Abhi. Come on, put those streamers up. Now."

"Chhavi, I need those flowers arranged."

"Mukti, help Abhi Bhaiya with the cello tape. Nirvaan pick up all those colour pencils and crayons. I want everything packed and up in the cupboard in its place."

"What should I do?" Pari asked, still toying with the streamers.

"Go help your DJ in the kitchen," Ruhaani said, wanting to get her away from the scene. There was enough work to get done. Having Pari around would only mean more work.

***

"You're late!" Were the first words he heard as the door opened. He carried the cake in, not bothering to meet her eyes.

"Yes, some stupid woman gave me some last minute work." He replied, walking towards the kitchen.

Ruhaani gasped. "You just called me stupid!" She exclaimed, following him in. He chose to ignore the bait she was throwing him.

"Did you check the cake, is it the right one?" He heard her say as he placed the cake onto the counter and took in the sight of full kitchen counter with vessels of food.

"Nope. I didn't." He answered.

"Aadarsh, you should have checked it. What if they gave the wrong cake to you?" She said, opening the cake box.

He placed his elbow on the kitchen counter and leaned sideways against it, watching her. "It was a sarcastic reply."

She looked up at him peeking at the chocolate cake that looked delicious.

There was no hint of that ghost of a smile he usually had, no charm. He looked tired. Like something had sucked out his energy.

"Are you okay?" She asked apprehensive.

Aadarsh straightened up. Was it written on his face that he had a horrible day? "I am fine."

"Sure?"

"Yeah, just tired. I think I will take a shower and change."

"Okay. Phupha Ji said they will be here in an hour. You could take a nap too, if you're very tired."

He nodded. That sounded like a nice idea. In fact, it was just what he needed. Some quiet time to slow down everything inside and around him. He walked away leaving Ruhaani a bit concerned. Something was off with him, she just knew it.

***

Ruhaani was content seeing Badi Bua elated. The older woman hadn't expected them to throw her a party. She hadn't also expected Aadarsh to be there.

They had cut the cake, spoke to Rohan over a video call and were now having a laid back time chatting and enjoying the delicious spring rolls that Dai Jaan had prepared as starters with cold drinks, that were just the refreshment they needed on a warm May night.

Ruhaani turned to Aadarsh as he say quietly watching the kids present their handmade birthday cards to Bua with a small smile. As though sensing her gaze, he darted his look towards her.

She hurriedly looked away, redirecting her gaze to his aunt who was heartily appreciating the kids' efforts. Shortly, after he excused himself to the kitchen.

Aadarsh entered the kitchen where Dai Jaan was frying the last batch of spring rolls and Abhi was picking himself a glass of juice and also stealing some more cake.

He couldn't bare to look Ruhaani in the eye. It was just becoming difficult by the minute. He didn't know if he should tell her that Siddhi had come to see him in the office.

The last time she had seen him with Siddhi, she had made stupid assumptions. He didn't want her to do the same again. Their relationship was becoming increasingly fragile. He didn't want to see her making stupid assumptions and hurting herself again. That chain of thought brought him to a minor task that had been incomplete.

"Dai Jaan,"

"Yes, Chote Saab, these are almost done. Just two more minutes and..."

"I wanted to ask you something else." He said.

"Oh, do you need more chutney? There more kebabs too..."

"No that. I gave you a box to destroy a few months back, before the marriage. What did you do of it?"

She paused abruptly and looked up at him solemnly. Aadarsh caught her looking beyond his shoulder and he knew she was looking at Abhi who stood by the refrigerator.

"If you asked me to destroy it, I would have done just that." She replied, nervously, looking back at the pan.

"Then what is it doing in the store room?" He said in a voice that was flat but with a hard gaze that was enough to let the other person know he was pissed.

"Oh, it's in store room is it?" She quickly glanced at Abhi before saying, "I might have forgotten. Getting older." She said sheepishly, fishing the spring rolls out of the oil, with shaky hands.

Aadarsh's hand curled into a fist. It was Abhi then. His suspicion was right. He turned and looked at Abhi, who had been looking at them. His brother silently turned away.

"Dai Jaan, I trust you. When I give you something ..."

"I took the box from her." Abhi intervened and confessed just as Aadarsh expected him to.

Aadarsh looked at Dai Jaan. She always protected Abhi. She might have loved them all, but Abhi was always her favorite. "The kids are waiting for the spring rolls." He said.

Dai Jaan took her cue and left the kitchen with the plate full of the freshly fried spring rolls. He turned to Abhi and walked up to him.

"There are certain things, certain aspects of my life, certain decisions I make... you have no right to interfere in them." Aadarsh muttered.

"Bhai, I can explain..."

"Yeah, you always can. Abhi, stop letting me down. Stop interfering in everything I do. You had no right to overrule my decision of burning down anything that belongs to me alone."

"I..." Abhi paused, dealing with the hurt that his brother's words brought. "I was looking out for you. Just like you do. If you wanted those souvenirs of her destroyed, you would have done it yourself. But you didn't have the guts to do it. You gave it away to DJ. I was there."

"It's none of your bloody business Abhi! Ruhaani saw those." He said sharply, angered.

Abhi visibly paled.

"Yeah." Aadarsh scoffed.

"I just wanted to keep it to..."

"To what? Poison my relationship with Ruhaani? You never wanted it in the first place. Well, congrats you have done that."

"No. That was not my intention. You were the one throwing yourself into a meaningless relationship. I kept it just in case you realized one day that you need someone to love, a loving partner too. I kept it for the day you could either realize you still feel for her and chase it, or move on and burn them down yourself."

Aadarsh looked away. He wanted to scream at him. Tell him he was so damn pissed. He never wanted Ruhaani to know how much he loved Siddhi. Because he knew it hurt her.

He simply walked out of the kitchen through the door that led to the backyard to get some fresh air.

Ruhaani should have stayed in the hall. But when she saw how evidently troubled Dai Jaan was. She knew something was up between the brothers. She had only rushed towards the kitchen to make sure Aadarsh didn't take his recent silent treatment far.

However, she was taken aback by their conversation. She hadn't expected it. Was their marriage really a meaningless relationship? That's what Abhi thought? Did Aadarsh still want Siddhi? Was he in some sort of denial or perhaps just angry with her for leaving?

It was confusing. Hadn't he said he needed to make this work? He wanted to be the husband she wanted. Was he only doing it because he wanted her for his siblings? He didn't want her for himself?

No. He had kissed her last night like...she mattered. Tears pricked her eyes. Did he regret it, last night? Was that the reason he was so gloomy since the morning?

She rushed to her room before someone saw the tears that she couldn't control.

It felt like some was tearing apart her heart piece by piece. Loving shouldn't hurt like this, should it?

At the dinner table, Ruhaani showed outwardly cheerfulness just as Abhi. They both had their best masks up. While Aadarsh was more or less disconnected throughout.

Badi Bua even asked him twice if everything was okay. He said it was just work exhaustion.

Badi Bua and Phupha ji were staying over for the weekend. They both loved spending time with the kids just as the kids did. Nirvaan loved teaching Badi Bua the features on her phone which she wasn't much aware of. Phupha Ji taught the girls hand tricks and they loved the fact that Badi Bua always wore the handmade jewellery they made for her.

Pari had found her paternal grandparents in them. She addressed them as her Dada and Daadi and the couple loved her like their own.

Ruhaani entered her room after putting the kids to sleep and making sure Badi Bua and Phupha Ji were comfortable in the guest room. He gaze searched for him. Aadarsh was missing.

She was done racing her thoughts. She had to confront him talk to him. Tell him that she loved him but she couldn't keep going like this with his pick-and-choose behaviour. If this went on, she felt she might truly go mad.

She had expected him to be at the terrace. That was where he went when he wanted to run away but couldn't quite literally.

Her conviction proved painfully accurate as she exited the elevator and discovered him on the terrace. Her stride faltered when she noticed him fixedly observing a flickering fire pit in front of him. A brown box ruthlessly set up on fire on the the box shaped pit they used for campfires.

I kept it for the day you could either realize you still feel for her and chase it, or burn them down yourself.

Abhi's words echoed in her ears and then they were followed by Aadarsh's.

I am trying Ruhaani, to make this normal for you. So that, tomorrow you don't end up saying that we don't have anything between us.

Could there ever be a tranquil moment for the restless heart entangled in love's chaos?

• — • — •

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