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Saturday is technically here so...happy reading!

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Chapter 42 : knowing

Aadarsh stealthily entered the room. He had resolved issues with both Abhi and Ashvi. Thankfully, Ashvi had been told that he and Abhi had fought over visiting their father, nothing beyond that. She had assumed the issue was that he had refrained Abhi from visiting their father for the festival.

Aadarsh was more than relieved.

He had taken both of them out for ice cream after dinner to spend some time with them. They both had grown up so fast. Perhaps he should really stop treating them like kids and become more like their friend instead of a guardian. Like Ruhaani was.

After returning he had checked on Pari and Mukti. Both of them were fast asleep, tucked neatly into bed. He could almost imagine Ruhaani tucking them in and giving them their good night kisses on the forehead.

He had finally reached his room, which was dark. It took a few seconds for his eyes to get adjusted to the lighting of the room. The room was mostly dark, except for the weak golden light that filtered in from the walk-in closet.

Ruhaani who had been reading from her kindle looked up as the light from the closet was briefly obstructed. She almost gasped, creeped out, as Aadarsh 's tall frame stood beside her. She hadn't heard him enter the room.

"You scared me!" She muttered.

"Shh!" He whispered, placing his index finger on his lips and then pointed to Nirvan.

Ruhaani placed the device in her hand on the nightstand and got of the bed. She held his hand and walked over to the wall of the room away from the bed.

"Where were you?" She whispered.

"I took Abhi and Ashvi out for ice cream." He answered in a breathy voice.

Ruhaani almost felt bad for not even being asked to come. She almost felt left out, but then she told herself that the siblings needed to bond too. Especially after all the silent treatment they had been subjecting each other to since the past week. Besides, she would have refused anyways, to be with Nirvan.

"All okay?" She asked.

"Yes. Did you give Nirvan the medicine?" He asked in a hushed voice.

"Yes. He seemed in pain. Both elbow and leg." She murmured.

Aadarsh turned to the side to his brother sleeping in the center of his bed. A pillow had been cushioned below his arm.

"He'll be fine," Ruhaani said.

Aadarsh's head slowly turned back to her and his gaze cascaded back onto her face. She wore her pistachio green set of pajamas and matching tee-shirt. Her hair loosely braided. How was she so thoughtful and so understanding? She was pretty good at understanding the unsaid. Perhaps she was good at reading body language or micro expressions.

He nodded, trying to stop thinking about her. "I know. Just feeling bad for him."

Ruhaani couldn't help but admire the man. The way he loved his siblings was so damn heartwarming. His life revolved around them. He had fixed things with two siblings only to worry about the third's wellbeing now.

She wondered what went on inside him. Did he not get tired being responsible all the time? Didn't the grey actions he took for the sake of his siblings come to haunt him later? Did he not hurt every time his father was brought up? Did he not feel anything at all?

There were some times when just being responsible for Pari all the time used to drive Ruhaani to exhaustion. She never got time for herself.

At least now, after marriage, she managed to get time for herself. She didn't have to work two jobs on weekdays and then spend her weekends earning extra, to make ends meet. Even if her responsibilities had increased significantly post marriage just like the size of her family, she still had the time for herself.

Perhaps it was the support system that came with all the responsibilities. She didn't have to worry about any expenses. Everything was taken care of. If she was tired of dealing with Pari; Dai Jaan, Abhi or Aadarsh would step in to give her some relief.

Aadarsh's gaze dropped down to her hand that was still on his arm, just at the elbow. "I will go change. Abhi brought some ice cream for you. If you want it now, you'll find it in the freezer." Saying that he walked away, her hand forced to drop.

Just being with Ruhaani and talking to her had begun to make him feel. . . differently, positively. It was like carrying a burden felt lighter. He could count on her. It was the biggest blessing she came with.

He wouldn't have even thought of leaving Nirvan's side. But having Ruhaani meant he could.

He had never thought he could depend on anyone again to this extent. His own deepening trust on Ruhaani surprised him. Earlier on, there was a part of him that was on guard. Ruhaani was an outsider.

But that was no longer true. She felt like a part of them. The realization both relieved and terrified him.

***

Aadarsh woke up to find Nirvan and Ruhaani cuddled up against each other. Ruhaani had her arm around his stomach. The woman was a hugger. On other days, it was the pillow that would be in her arms.

He sat up against the cushioned headboard and picked up his phone. He opened his reminders for the day. There were a few bill payment reminders, a few about work and other miscellaneous stuff. His finger hovered over the one that read talk to Badi Bua. He swiped it away.

It had always been so easy to talk to her, to confide in her, to reach out to her. However, in the present, he dreaded facing her. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt so uneasy at the prospect of facing someone.

He looked on with a curious gaze as the other one was a birthday reminder. Ruhaani's birthday. A week from today. He turned to glance at her.

He had the birthday of everyone stored in his calendar. In the application he had on his phone for reminders, he had set two notifications for each birthday. One a week before so he could buy a gift and other on the day so that it didn't slip out of his mind.

Unfortunately, about five years back, he had bought a gift for Shelly Bua but had forgotten to wish her on the day. Since then he made it a point to have reminders. Sometimes the stress of the day would make him forget such things, even when he was aware of it since a week.

What could he possibly gift to Ruhaani?

He remembered the photo frame she had gifted him on his birthday. It had a photograph of him with his siblings clicked on some occasion a few years back. He looked ahead at the wall unit, on the wall opposite to the one the bed was against. The photo frame sat there, having found a permanent place in their room.

Dresses perhaps?

No. A bit too personal. Although she really needed some good western dresses in her wardrobe. Perhaps he could induce the idea in Ashvi. That way Ruhaani could have additions to her wardrobe without him having to present them to her. A win-win for him.

He ran his mind. Ruhaani liked reading, but she already had a kindle.

She didn't seem the kind who'd want diamonds or other gemstones. She barely wore real gold or diamond jewelry. They were all closed in the locker. She liked artificial jewelry, but had a very distinctive choice there. It would turn out to be cheap and perhaps not up to her liking if he bought her that.

What did Ruhaani want?

Maybe he could ask her what she wanted and give her that. That seemed like a better idea than trying to run the wheels of his mind on figuring out what would be an appropriate gift for her.

His thoughts were broken by a soft grumble. He turned aside to find Nirvan trying to push Ruhaani's arm away. He failed miserably.

Aadarsh shifted closer to him. He gently lifted Ruhaani's arm and Nirvan quickly shifted away. Aadarsh replaced his brother by a pillow and placed her arm back on it gently. His fingers got sandwiched between her forearm and the pillow. He gently slipped them out, gazing at her face. How peaceful she looked while she slept!

He turned to Nirvan. "You feeling okay?" He whispered, touching his forehead. Last night, the boy had a light fever. Luckily he was only warm not hot.

"My leg pains, when I move it." The boy said in a grumpy feeble voice.

"Shhh, she's sleeping." Aadarsh said pointing to Ruhaani. Nirvan turned to look her and then nodded.

Aadarsh moved back to his side of the king sized bed and shifted his brother closer.

Nirvan sat quietly, placing his arm across his brother's abdomen and his head pressed against his brother's side. Aadarsh draped an arm around his little brother's body, almost giving him a side hug.

"You'll be fine, Nirvan!" He said to reassure the boy.

"Hmm," the boy hummed.

Aadarsh turned to the side and kissed his hair. "Do you want to use the washroom?"

Nirvan nodded meekly.

Aadarsh got out of bed and carefully carried his brother to make sure his leg didn't hurt with his movement.

***

Ruhaani was a powerhouse of energy in the mornings. Aadarsh watched her as she sang a parody of a popular ad song while serving the kids with breakfast. It was a cereals and milk for breakfast day.

Aadarsh wasn't a fan of cereals. He needed something solid in the morning just like Abhi. So, Dai Jaan had prepared pancakes for them. Finally, Abhi was back at his former seat at the dining table, which also meant Ruhaani was once again at the other end of the table.

"Shall I exchange seats with her again?" Abhi whispered, moving close to his brother's ear. It had been over ten minutes and his brother hadn't stopped staring at his wife. It was a development Abhi was more than happy about.

"Shut up!" Aadarsh mumbled lowering his gaze to his plate. It wasn't like he wanted Ruhaani next to him all the time.

"So, what plans for today?" Abhi asked.

"Bhaiya and I are going to play tennis." Ashvi answered instead of Aadarsh.

Aadarsh smiled at his sister. It had been really long since he and Ashvi had gone out for a game. He needed to start spending time with her.

Somehow she seemed to be drifting away. She didn't talk as much to them as she used to before. She always had college stuff to take care of. Maybe it was just the coming of age phase for her. School to college was a sharp transition. She perhaps—like everyone at the age— wanted to make the most of it. He couldn't blame her for it.

Nonetheless he had to consciously involve himself more in her life.

"How boring!" Abhi remarked and then turn towards the other end of the table, "Bhabhs," he called.

Ruhaani who had been disciplining Pari with a stern expression, looked up at him. Aadarsh's gaze went to his little girl who pouted first and then made a grumpy face.

"Movie time today?"

"I am playing chess with Nirvan." Ruhaani spoke up.

"You can do both!" Abhi suggested.

Ruhaani turned to Nirvan. The boy raised his shoulders in a nonchalant shrug.

"Done!" Abhi said with a bright smile. "I am selecting the movie."

"You mean a decade old screenplay of SRK?" Ashvi mocked her brother.

"Shut up chipmunk! At least I don't drool over shitty Netflix shows that show teenagers doing shit..."

Ashvi's eyes widened and mouth hung open.

"Oh, by the way bro, you must have a look at Ashvi's Netflix watch list. Your baby sister is growing up and how you'll be shocked to know!" Abhi commented turning to Aadarsh.

Aadarsh looked between his brother and sister who glared at each other. It was almost as though they would start fighting like they used to when they were younger by pulling at each other's hair and yanking each other's arm.

"That's really disgusting and mean, Mister Abhimanyu annoying Sehgal. Grow up." Ashvi rebuked.

"Oh Chipmunk, trust me I can be way more mean. Don't ever comment on my movie choices. SRK is love. He is the originator of this soft feeling emotion that you will never understand."

"You're such a fool, dear brother!" Ashvi remarked.

Abhi retorted, "You're a pain in the as..."

"Timeout." Aadarsh declared. "Language, Abhi." He looked at his brother disappointed. It was an unsaid rule to keep inappropriate words of their language when family was around.

"Tell this fool to stop irritating me!" Abhi muttered.

Ashvi gasped. "You started it, you moron."

"Did you hear that Bhai?" Abhi exclaimed dramatically. "She called me a moron. Tell her to mind her language!"

"It's another word for a fool, you nincompoop. You would know that if you improved your vocabulary by watching things other than dumb bollywood movies."

"She is calling me some kind of poop now. Say something Bhaiya!"

Ashvi rolled her eyes. "It's the same thing. It means stupid person which you are gloriously proving yourself to be right now!" Ashvi replied, totally reveling in her upper hand moment.

"Okay, guys Timeout." Aadarsh declared. His loud voice made everyone at the table pause what they were doing and look at him. "You two really need to grow up."

They all went back to quietly eating while Ruhaani watched on with a smile. Aadarsh looked up from his plate , filling his mouth with a piece of the pancake to find Ruhaani grinning. She picked up a fork and crossed it with her spoon to indicate the clash of Abhi and Ashvi. He rolled his eyes, with the corners of his lips itching to move up and form a smile.

More than one and half hour later, Ruhaani was seated on the couch in the TV area. She had lost at three games of chess against Nirvan within the span of an hour, after which the latter had wanted to go back to reading his new book instead.

Abhi had transferred the boy to the living hall so that Dai Jaan was around if he needed anything.

Abhi had chosen Kal Ho Naa Ho. Ruhaani had watched the movies a couple of times before. Aman was one character she loved with all her heart. He made living to the fullest seem easy. To wear your heart on your sleeve, to effortlessly live every moment of your life to the fullest, to love without fear and not bother about the following day. Perhaps it became easier once one knew that their life came with an expiry date and theirs was fast approaching.

Ruhaani turned to Abhi who laughed at the scene of Kanta Ben—who played the character of Rohit's old fashioned househelp— mistake Rohit and Aman, the characters who were both friends and in love with one girl—Naina, to be gay.

"This movie was so ahead of it's times." Abhi commented as his laughter died.

Ruhaani smiled at him. Just being around Abhi was learning to be easy about life. That man literally loved one day at a time, quite contrary to Aadarsh.

As some time passed, they were joined by Aadarsh, who had returned after his tennis game with Ashvi. He had freshly showered Ruhaani could tell by the change of his clothes and the scent of his body wash. He wore a pair of dark blue almost black joggers and a polo t-shirt.

"Oh it is this one again!" Aadarsh remarked sitting between his brother and Ruhaani.

Ruhaani who had been passing tissues to Abhi from the past few minutes shifted the box of tissues and the task to Aadarsh. He looked at her surprised and then turned to Abhi with wide eyes. "You're crying, again? Dude, you have seen this movie like a hundred times now!"

"It hits the heart everything, Bhai. You won't understand." Abhi sniffed. "Why do women always fall for the wrong men? I mean look at Rohit, he had been her best friend since ever, he knows her quirks, her virtues, her shortcomings, in all everything about her. Yet, Naina who is supposed to be his best friend, doesn't sense his feelings towards her and falls for this idiot Aman who just keeps forcing her to smile every now and then."

Ruhaani gasped. All this while she was assuming he was crying for Aman. The man who was Naina's new neighbor, suffering a terminal disease and still unable to stop himself from falling in love with Naina and making her realize life is beautiful.

"I don't believe you, Abhi!" She remarked, turning herself towards Aadarsh, such that her gaze was on Abhi. "What about Aman? Aman loves Naina, Naina loves Aman. It is so unfair to them they can't be together because fate decided so."

Aadarsh sunk back in the couch as his brother also turned towards him to argue. "It's unfair to Rohit also. The man just took time to realize his feelings for his best friend. But she falls in love with someone who can't be with her. She's stupid!"

"It's not a girl's fault that the person she fell in love with, was chosen by destiny to suffer a terminal disease and die sooner." Ruhaani's voice was suddenly low but yet impactful.

"Yes, but..." Abhi went on, not noticing the sudden shift in Ruhaani's mood but Aadarsh had sensed it.

Ruhaani scoffed. "Abhi, one doesn't get to choose whom they love. The feelings just..." her gaze drifted to Aadarsh. "...suddenly, are there. One can't do anything about it."

She looked away from Aadarsh and at Abhi. "And if there's anyone who is lucky in the movie, it's Rohit. He still gets to be with Naina. No matter what Naina had with Aman, a part of her loved her best friend too. So Rohit gets his happily ever after with her. But there's always a part of her that will mourn Aman. Because he's that love story for her, that never found a happy ending." Her voice quavered, giving insight to her emotional turmoil.

Aadarsh and Abhi, both looked at her with her a look of shock. They had never seen Ruhaani so weak, never seen her look so sad.

"Excuse me," She said and quickly got up and left before tears rushed down her cheek. A silence loomed in the air after she left.

"I didn't know..." Abhi began.

"Yeah." Aadarsh sighed, still reeling from it all. It was very unlike her to have a outburst of emotion like that.

"I will go talk to her." He offered.

Aadarsh shook his head, thoughtfully. "No give her some space."

Abhi pressed the resume button and went back to watching the movie. Aadarsh glanced at his brother appalled. Appearing to be normal was his way of dealing with tricky situations. Still, it surprised Aadarsh every time.

Aadarsh slowly got up and moved out of the room. His mind replaying the moment in his head. Ruhaani couldn't have feelings for him. She shouldn't. He did all that he could, to repel her without hurting her or their relationship. She was messed up if despite the way he behaved with her, she still had begun to have feelings for him.

He quietly made his way up the stairs, after a few minutes of indecisiveness.

"It's not a girl's fault that the person she fell in love with was chosen by destiny to suffer a terminal disease and die soon."

Her words echoed in his head. His mind took him back to the conversation they had had in the car when he had first met her :

"I liked him. Didn't get enough time to fall in love."

He was confused. Was she in love with Harsh, her late husband? Or, like she had told him, there was never enough time to fall in love? Then why did her words have so much sorrow like she still felt the pain?

He had never seen her express sorrow while speaking of him. There was always a dark humor, when she spoke of him. A bit of resentment for being targeted for his coincidental death. Did she hide her pain behind that humor?

He remembered the tiny box he had come across amongst her belongings, the day Dai Jaan had got their room deep cleaned after the lizard spectacle. He was in home that day being sick. The box that had belongings of her late husband. Why would she still keep that?

It was none of his business, really. She could do whatever she wanted. Her feelings about anyone shouldn't be his concern. That was how it was supposed to be. Only that, it wasn't.

There was a letter amongst those belongings. But Aadarsh hadn't read it. He didn't want to know. It did not matter whether she loved him or not. He was gone. There was no way for her to go back.

However today he couldn't help but wonder what was written in that letter. He vaguely remembered Ruhaani mention something about exchanging letters with her late husband that never happened because he died too soon. Did he love her? Was that why she carried the guilt of not loving him back sooner?

He swallowed the lump in his throat. He forced his thoughts to stop. He didn't want to think about it. He shouldn't be in the first place. He didn't cate about who loved her or not or who she loved or anything about her for that matter.

"The feelings just.... Suddenly, are there."

Aadarsh stood at the entrance of their room. The echo of her soft voice making his heart beat faster again. Those glistening chocolate brown eyes looking at him as she said those words.

Foolish, foolish woman!

He stepped back, running a hand down his face. "Don't, Ruhaani. Fucking don't!" He muttered pacing up and down in the passageway. It felt like he was in a car that out of control, on a cliff. "You're not supposed to, Ruhaani." He mumbled to himself.

"And you were not supposed to either," A voice in his head whispered.

He shook his head. It was the situation playing with him. He didn't feel anything for Ruhaani. Nothing. He only cared for her, as he did for anyone in his family. He repeatedly told himself that. There was nothing else. He hushed that annoying voice in his head that tried to project his feelings in another way.

He composed himself, shoved all the unnecessary thoughts in some dark corner of his mind and locked them up there. He turned around and walked to the room.

He ran his gaze around. There was no trace of her. His gaze went to the closet. Perhaps she was there. Perhaps with that box in her hand, or that letter. Or anything that belonged to the man she claimed not to love.

His jaw tightened. She didn't have to lie to him, if that was the case. If she loved him, she could have told him so.

With slow measured steps he walked into the wardrobe. However, she wasn't there. Perplexed he walked out, back into the room and only then noticed the open balcony door. He slowly walked towards it.

There she was at the far end of the balcony.

"You okay?" He asked stepping out into the balcony. He placed his hands on the hand rail and stood at a good two feet distance from her.

"Yeah," she murmured briefly turning to look at him.

"Woah, look who is crying!" He teased lightly.

"I am not crying, something went into my eyes." Ruhaani lied, unbothered by the fact that it was one of the lamest lies people told.

"And I thought, only Abhi could cry for fictional characters. You know, you two, Abhi and you, are so similar when it comes to certain things. If I didn't know he was my brother or he didn't look like me, I would have believed he was your brother."

Ruhaani almost smiled. She turned once again to her left and glanced at him. His dark eyes met hers, their gazes fitting together like the lost pieces of a puzzle.

He wasn't stupid, she knew that much. What she did down there was no way different from publishing in the papers that she had begun to have feelings for him. He knew. Yet, he pretended to not know. He pretended to be oblivious to it all.

She wasn't going to deny that it hurt. But she had this coming for herself. He loved someone else. She was the stupid one if she still decided to fall for him.

If only she could some how control what she felt. Why didn't humans have the super power to control how they felt? Life as a human would be so much easier, if they did.

She was so so-stupid. She was falling in love with this man before her, who did nothing for her, who promised nothing to her. A few months with Aadarsh were enough to begin to fall for him. But the same few months with Harsh's smiles, care and promises weren't enough to feel this way for him. How she wished, she could feel all this so intensely for Harsh instead of Aadarsh!

Aadarsh looked away as he noticed the gleam in her eyes brighten as though a flood of tears was about to come forth.

"If Abhi said anything out of line, I apologize on his behalf. He can be a bit insensitive at times." He said in a soft voice, almost filled with guilt as though he had committed a mistake.

Oh the irony!

As he brought his eyes back on her, Ruhaani silently accused him of being a hypocrite, of being insensitive and then apologizing for it by blaming it on someone else.

He lowered his gaze.

Shame? Guilt? Pity? Sympathy? Empathy?

She didn't know.

And that was all the confirmation Ruhaani needed. He knew she had begun to have feelings for him. Yet, he turned a blind eye to them. This was and probably would be the fate of their marriage.

And suddenly, Ruhaani felt a lot worse than she had been feeling for having a weak moment earlier. Her fate seemed to be written by devil himself.

• — • — •

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—Anami!♡