A new year had begun, just like the new chapter of her life. If one looked at her life from a distance, it would appear as though everything was falling into place, like the missing pieces in a puzzle that had been incomplete for long.

She didn't remember much of her time with her parents. However, she did remember how they brought in the new year, by a group hug. She remembered her mother's warm embraces. The first one would be right in the morning, then one before she left for school, the next when she was back from school and the final one when she went to bed. In between, her mother would randomly pick her up, make her sit on her lap and keep her in her embrace while talking to her. 

Her mother was so fond of hugging her. Perhaps God made it that way because he knew Ruhaani didn't have a long time with her mother. Maybe it was his way of making sure she got enough hugs from her mother to last a lifetime, perhaps his way of compensation.

Her father was quite the opposite of her mother perhaps because she didn't remember hugging her father that much but she remembered his forehead kisses. One at the beginning of the day and another at bedtime. 

Those two things—hugs and forehead kisses— had eventually faded from her life just as her parents. It was only years after they were gone did she realize that she never felt the need to hug anyone. There was practically no one she would hug. Not even her grandmother or her cousin who were relatively closer to her than anyone else in the world. There was literally no one who gave her forehead kisses. She had accepted that just as she had accepted the absence of her parents.

However, then a soldier had come along. A man whose potective embrace, she wanted to get used to; a man whose goodbye, final goodbye, was a kiss on her forehead. 

Life was ironical. Life wasn't fair, it was not supposed to be; the fact had been reinforced into her core.

She had grown up seeing her uncle and aunt showering their unconditional love on Aarti. Somehow the same warmth was never extended to her. She had to learned to be happy with just the tiny whiff of it, even if it was half-hearted, forced or pretense.

After years of all that, there was a sudden change in the course of her life. The Sehgals had hosted an elaborate dinner party on New Year's eve with extended family, which included the Desais and now Khatris. There was so much joy and good spirit that evening. 

The kids were at a three hundred piece puzzle on the living hall mat, that they had taken up to solve before the clock indicated the arrival of the new year. It was a surprise that Pari was being civil and following what Mukti said instead of being a stubborn kid who wanted to do as she pleased. 

The ladies had a lot of gossip to indulge in while doing a to and fro from the kitchen.  Most of it was celebrity weddings and affairs. Then there was also talk about food and what they thought should surely be served in the wedding functions. The men had found enough to talk over mild alcoholic drinks. Drinks for the evening were served in shiny glasses made of steel that looked like wine glasses and gave off a royal feel. The glasses were a good disguise, the kids didn't suspect the elders drinking something other than fruit juice.

Ruhaani had never felt happier welcoming a new year. This time the incoming new year felt like the starting of a whole new book for her. There was cheer around, greetings and blessings were exchanged. And then there was a wholesome sight of Aadarsh kissing Pari's forehead. It had nearly moved her to tears. Pari had found her father. Someone who'd give her forehead kisses.

Ruhaani was hugged by Badi Bua and DJ but she could hardly hug back. The only person she hugged back was her daughter. But that night two other tiny people had been added to the list.

Aadarsh had been nice to her, gentlemanly nice. He wasn't ignoring her or avoiding her like she'd pass him an airborne virus. She was glad that she had communicated what she felt about his earlier behavior. It had definitely caused a shift in his manner.

However, that in no way meant he had sunk into the role of a proper fiancé. No way. He was still being the talk-when-necessary, talk-no-nonsense and keep-conversations-generic type of person, but a little bit lite version of it. Her dislike for him had substantially come down, nearing the zero mark. She believed it had to with the bond he was forming with Pari more than his cordial behavior.

Maybe he was right when he had said— they'd make a good team. She was now beginning to understand what he had foreseen back then. At the end of the day, happy families were those where the couple could make a good team. Probably the reason why arranged marriages existed and flourished in their society to date. 

She didn't mind if all she got was a soft— Happy New Year served alongside a brief nod and look in the eye.  She was happy to return the wish with the exact same recipe not an inch of smile or warmth in her eyes. 

She wasn't being petty. She was being smart. It was her subtle way of telling him that he'd get just as much from her as he gave to her, nothing less nothing more. She figured it would be the best way ahead, with a man like him.

Suddenly the marriage felt like an unknown hike in the wild, with him as a companion. She didn't know if his company was a good thing or something she should be miserable about. She hoped it was the former because she was placing her bets on it by entering a marriage with him.

* * *

With every passing day, Aadarsh was growing fond of Pari. The girl's innocence was adorable. Every time she was with him, she'd talk about random things. She never ran out of topics. Never. Something he had figured was common between the mother daughter duo. However any day he'd prefer the little girl over her know-it-all mummy. 

Ruhaani was a wonderful woman, no doubt there. She was mature and sensible. Multiple uncomfortable conversations had come up at various instances that she had handled pretty well. For example, the other day her uncle had spoken about how she and her cousin had been inseparable since childhood and then hinting at how he always was looking for two brothers to be the prospective grooms for each respectively. Her uncle no longer made it subtle that he was expecting to imbibe in their minds the idea of Abhi's marriage to Arti.  It was embarrassing really. However every time an unpleasant conversation like that came up, Ruhaani was a pro at deflecting the focus or by flipping the topic.

She was particularly good with kids. Nothing had to be said there. She was also straightforward and honest. Those were on the good column. 

However, after that little lecture she gave him in the car, he had realized that she didn't come without fuss and drama. Like every other girl out there she came with her portions of drama. Above it all and the worse of it all, she had a  very stubborn know-it-all attitude. He had picked up the signs all along. She seemed to think she knew the solutions to all problems, like she knew how to deal with everything under sun. He abhorred that about her.

Granted, she had made a fair point that night. However, he was stilled plain annoyed that she had painted herself like a victim and his attitude as problematic and the villain. 

He had tried his best to be friendly.  However, he couldn't talk about much to her other than the topics of family and marriage. He didn't know what he should talk about, however, he had found a topic in the past few days— Pari. He had made it a personal mission to know everything about Pari that a father should, what she liked, what she didn't like. 

The first of their wedding functions was a week away. The house was always buzzing with people. Sometimes the employees of the wedding planner, sometimes the errand boys of the tailor, then there was the choreographers team. The Desais had moved into their bungalow temporarily until the wedding. Abhi was more than happy to have a partner in crime in Rohan. The two men had the time of their life getting into everyone else's business, especially in annoying Ashvi and him.

Any other day, he would have called it a troublesome chaos. However, in the noise, in the chatter, there was laughter, there was happiness. The unadulterated joy of a happy occasion in the family. The kind of atmosphere he had grown up in when his mother was alive. 

His gaze moved around the room stopping at his wife-to-be. She wore a deep maroon Indian dress today. Her dress was plain maroon with light golden thread work. She even wore a dupatta with it. It was the kind women wore in the nineties, the kurta had long sleeves reaching up to her wrists and the dupatta had intense thread-work on the borders. His mother used to dress up like that usually. She was a big fan of Lucknowi dresses. 

His eyes followed the woman as she navigated around the kids. It was just another celebration at home. It was Mukti's and Nirvan's birthday, and their friends from school were invited over. Ruhaani was carrying the empty tray to the kitchen. No one could say she was the guest, she had taken up the responsibility of making sure every child ate the snacks.

He had been standing by the railing on the first floor, quietly observing the party. Nirvan was particularly uninterested in interacting with the other kids, he sat on the sofa in a corner and went through the gifts he had received. Ruhaani had tried, twice, to convince him to play and talk to other kids. She was unsuccessful and then left him with a plate full of his favorite snacks by his side.

"Here, you are." Abhi announced, putting an arm around his brother. He followed his elder brother's gaze and looked down. Almost at the instant, Ruhaani emerged from the kitchen and walked over to the center table with cake knifes and plates. He glanced at his brother who seemed to be watching her. 

Abhi had an inkling that his brother's liking towards Ruhaani was increasing. Even though she didn't seem to be quite his type. It wasn't the first time he had spotted his brother silently observing her. He however didn't always point it out to tease him. He was afraid to get his brother's guards up, if at all they were lowering.

He had accepted the fact that Ruhaani was going to be the one who'd be his brother's companion. He wouldn't admit openly, but he was beginning to feel he had been prejudiced against her. She wasn't bad company. In fact, she seemed quite amiable. His younger siblings, all three of them, seemed to have formed a close bond with her already. There was something about her that somehow made her perfect fit in their family. 

However, love between his brother and that woman seemed like a joke. The two didn't show even the slightest shyness of being around each other or the awkwardness or the excitement to be around each other. There was absolutely nothing except silently watching the other. Like his brother had been doing right now. It was far from romantic. It was like a shrewd tiger eyeing a deer. It was almost hostile.

"Time for cake cutting. Let's go." He said.

"Hmm, where's Rohan?" Aadarsh asked taking his arms off the railing. 

"He was around..  " Abhi said, as his eyes searched the hall downstairs. "Must be around, I just came up to call you."

"Did you eat the chicken nuggets? They were good " Abhi said.

"Not yet. I had a coffee sometime back." Aadarsh spoke as they climbed down the stairs his eyes stopping on Pari who was busy toying with the streamers. He looked around and found Mukti with her group of friends. Probably the only day when Mukti was not bothered where Pari was. He walked up to the girl. 

"What are you doing?"

She giggled sheepishly. "Decorating."

He chuckled. "Come on, let's go there for cake cutting. Muku Didi and Nirvan Bhaiya are going to cut their cakes."

She looked over and then at the tangled streamers around her. "Okay," she said and then tried getting rid of the streamers that had tangled around her body.

"Offo, this is not coming off."

"Wait," Aadarsh said, untangling her from the mess she had got herself into.

"There you go!" He said with a smile bending to come to her height, or at least close.

She gave him a toothy smile looking up at him, "Thank you," she said.

"Do you want me to carry you?"

"Yes!" 

Aadarsh smiled picking her up in her arms like she weighed nothing. "What did you eat?"

"Noodles and chips."

"Oh, and for me?"

"Mumma will give you. She knows where it is."

He chuckled, walking over to the table where two cakes were positioned. One a chocolate with minimal decorations just a happy birthday text and the other a pink one with all the colors of the universe, in the forms of sprinklers, tiny heart shaped gems, an elaborate barbie doll made of white chocolate and different kind of chocolates around the cake. The twins had always, literally been poles apart. It was really surprising that they came from the same womb at the same time. 

A while after the cake cutting and dinner, Aadarsh had found a chair at the far end of the hall by the window. Most of the kids had left. A few were waiting for their parents to come pick them up. Both the birthday kids were busy making a list of the gifts they received in order of their liking. It was their ritual of sorts. Pari had been exhausted and had fallen asleep on the sofa. Aadarsh had shifted her to the guest bedroom a few minutes back. 

The ladies were talking about something seated at the dining table. Ashvi was scrolling through her phone seated on the sofa occasionally turning to see the gifts twins drew her attention to. Abhi and Rohan had disappeared. 

Aadarsh wanted nothing more than to retire to his room for the night. However, the Khatris were still at home and it would be rude for him to leave. The last thing he wanted was to give Ruhaani another chance to give him a lecture. He braced himself for a conversation when he noticed her approaching him. She had a plate with a bowl on it. 

"Kheer?" She offered. "Badi Bua made it," she added just in time, changing Aadarsh's refusal to an acceptance.

"You are not.." he began to say looking up at her.

"I had some a while back," she said, glancing at the chair beside him and then at him, it was as though she was debating whether to sit beside him or not. Finally she sat beside him. She adjusted the end of her dupatta putting it on her lap. He ate quietly thinking of something to speak about. Anything that could do, so that she didn't complain that they didn't talk.

"They look so happy," she said softly.

He glanced at her and then his gaze followed hers to the twins. 

"Kids being happy on their birthday is normal," he said.

"Not for all kids," she said quietly, staring at them. She didn't own the last time she was happy like them. Perhaps in one of those photos of her birthdays that were clicked by setting the timer on her father's camera. All the memories had literally turned to ashes in the fire. She didn't even have any pictures of her childhood to help her remember what her childhood looked like. She just had vague, abrupt memories.

"I am sorry," he said realizing that she must have not had any happy birthdays without her parents. 

She turned to him with a smile. "It's okay."

After a pause, she spoke again, "it must have been hard no? To celebrate their birthdays?"

"It still is," he answered placing the dessert spoon on the plate. It was the same day they had lost their mother.

A silence fell that his voice broke, "First two years, we didn't celebrate, those two were tiny to not remember, we just had a cake cutting and that's it. None of use felt like celebrating... even if legally the dates were different. My mother's death anniversary is tomorrow. They were born close to midnight,  just minutes before twelve and Maa ..." he gulped. "She took her last breath an hour or so later."

"Oh,"

He sighed picking up the spoon again. "Yeah. It's bittersweet. You learn to deal with that feeling."

Ruhaani nodded. They both quietly watched the twins discuss amongst themselves. 

"Do they know?"

"No, they don't have to." He answered.

She nodded in agreement. 

"I am sorry Shelly Bua has been particularly difficult." He spoke up, as his said Bua's loud laugh reminded him of his said aunt's subtle taunts towards Ruhaani. Sometimes it was to remind her that she had already had a marriage but it was Aadarsh's first. Sometimes it was about already having a kid. 

"It's fine. She states facts in a twisted way nothing more." Ruhaani said. "If we're doing apologies then, I am sorry for my uncle's behavior and comments."

"Well, it's better now, he seems to be equally inclined towards Rohan as Abhi."

Ruhaani couldn't help the laughter that escaped her mouth. He turned to her taken aback. The woman had some issue with her funny bone. She found humor when he was stating facts. "Was stating facts," he murmured, taking a spoonful of the last bit of the kheer. 

"I understand why those two are missing now," she remarked.

It was his turn to find amusement in her sentence. Like those two cared about a girl's father chasing after them to secure a marriage proposal. Those two were probably driving off to some club to have fun and drinks. He would have probably been in their company too, if he hadn't been engaged to be married. But of course, miss know-it-all had to assume she knew. The corners of his lips twitched the slightest as he enjoyed his private amusement. 

* * * 

It was a cloudy sky but one could still spot stars, that was the beauty of not being a big industrial city with a population more than it could handle. The night air was pleasant with a light breeze unlike the meance of the biting cold Delhi night. Ruhaani had set out to walk around the magnificent lawns of the resort after putting her daughter to sleep.

It was finally happening. 

They had arrived at Kochi that morning. The resort was a beautiful location, a little world in itself, nestled amongst coconut trees along the coastline away from the main town. Everyone was excited except her and possibly Aadarsh. They were the only ones who seemed normal on the morning flight. 

Post-lunch a quiet and relaxed mehendi ceremony was arranged by the pool. Her hands and feet were adorned with patterns made of henna. It was mostly the ladies and the kids who were around. From what she had heard from Ashvi, the boys—Aadarsh, Rohan and Abhi had sneaked out for some bachelor party in the name of sightseeing.

Ruhaani had felt nothing so far. But tonight it was hitting her hard, she was marrying —again. While she had sat with the henna artists at work, she had gone back to the past. At that time it was a different name written on her hands. At that time, Harsh was around, sneaking glances at her and then smiling when their gazes ended up colliding.

There had been so much excitement, shyness and anticipation back then. She had felt those butterflies in stomach, the pre-wedding jitters, the feeling of living a fairy tale. However, this time they were all absent. It was as though she had become immune to it all, like she didn't care. She hated how she felt. Ironically, she felt nothing. 

She had always been proud of surviving through the storms life had sent her way. She had braved every storm. She had emerged stronger. However, somewhere along the line she had also lost the sensitivity to life events. She wanted to feel normal, to be a happy bride. To have hope for herself. She didn't just want to exist. She wanted to live. 

She didn't know when tears had streamed down her cheeks or when she had reached the far end of the estate that looked over the sea. She could see the white of the sea waves at a distance. She could hear the waves crashing against the shore. She could feel the wind on her face and taste the slight saltiness of the air. Or perhaps it was her tears.

She wiped her tears with the back of her hands. She didn't cry anymore, not since she understood that crying wouldn't bring back her happy life. As a seven year old, she had promised herself to never let anything in life make her cry, not even her fate. Yet, she had, when all the color was snatched away from her life, when she was falling in love with color red—a color that signified love, marriage— but was asked to give up on it and don a lifeless white. She had cried and cried until no more tears were left.

It was easier the second time. She already knew loss. She knew how to fix her broken heart with bandages and move on. However, the thing with loss was that each one hit differently, it took away a different part of you. She realized only today. It struck her today and it struck hard. She was empty as an individual. She had forgotten to feel for herself.

She looked down at her hands. She never thought she'd see those beautiful patterns on her hand again. She bit her lower lip, holding back a sob. Life was very cruel to her, she'd never forget that. What could be worse than giving her something, snatching it back and the giving it back to her again when she stopped believing in it's beauty?

She stood there all alone, all by herself without a care for the breeze that had grown strong enough to push her hair back. People came into her life and left. Like her parents, like Harsh. Once again there were people coming to her life. A whole new family. A fear gripped her heart. She was scared. She didn't want to lose them too.

She felt a lot of emotions, more than the waves she could hear. It was like a storm inside her. She was tired of braving storms, exhausted of being courageous and holding onto hope. She felt weak, so weak that any minute from now the breeze could blow her away. 

Yet, she stood rooted to the spot. She had to. She was a survivor. Probably destined to be one, since the beginning of time. 

• — • — •

Looking forward to your comments and thoughts.

Next : Saturday 

—Anami!♡