Chapter 15 : a long night

Aadarsh entered his room shutting the door behind him. Even the sight of his father made him sick. The man didn't deserve a disease where he forgot all the wrong he had done. It was not fair. 

He paced up and down the room, the bothering turn of events replaying in his mind. He called her Siddhi. After all these years he remembered the name of his elder son's ex-girlfriend but forgot her face. He remembered someone as non significant as Siddhi but forgot his own kids. His steps became hasty. He wanted to punch something, kick something, fight something.

How could Abhi do something as foolish as bringing the man to the event? It was a blessing that the twins weren't around  or everything could have gone south. Why was Abhi so blind? Why couldn't he see that man was nothing but a lame excuse for father? They were far better off without a father than that man.

He felt suffocated as bitter memories of the past slowly resurfaced one after another. All the pain, all the suffering, all the grief, all the anger, all the disgust, all the hurt. He loosened the tie and walked around the bed toward the door of the balcony. He unlocked the door and stepped out into the cold air. 

He tried to not think about the past. He tried to not think about all the wrongs his father had done. He tried to calm himself. He had to do it on his own. He had to for the sake of everyone's good.

Nothing ever came from losing control. He placed his hands on the railing and closed his eyes. He had to take deep breaths. Just focus on his breath. The air going in and out of his system.

He stood still for a few minutes just focusing on his breath. Trying to forget everything. Trying to forget he ever came. Trying to forget that there was no guilt in his eyes because he freaking didn't remember anything. He took long, deep breaths.

He slowly opened his eyes to look at the tree before his eyes. He tried to distract himself with non significant details. The tree, it barely had any leaves on its branches. The tree looked old and isolated. The birds seemed to have ditched it after it lost its leaves. He exhaled sharply. The moment was over. There was nothing he could do about it now.

He stared at the bark of the tree. He was about to turn around and go back in when he caught some movement and some shadow on the grass. He walked over to the edge of the balcony to see better. He spotted Ruhaani, she was walking away from the building. 

He wore a frown. What was she up to? Had she lost the way to the hall? Why would she want to go back to the hall? His gaze followed her and spotted Nirvaan sitting on the swing alone. His frown deepened, why was he there, why was he unsupervised?

He silently watched on as Ruhaani got to him and sat on the grass beside the swing. They were talking something probably. And then they both looked up. He instinctively stepped behind, standing against the wall so that they didn't know he was watching. He couldn't make out what was happening there.

His eyes didn't leave them. After a few minutes, she had held his hand. He then got off the swing and she fell in step beside him. 

What was that about? Maybe Nirvaan got upset with something and she was trying to pacify him. He shrugged it and headed inside.

"Bhai," Abhi had barged into his room minutes later.

Aadarsh was rolling the tie that he had just got rid off. "I don't want to talk, go away." He said in an even voice placing the rolled tie on one of the shelves of the wall unit in front of his bed.

"Bhai,"

He turned to look at him.

"I am sorry, I didn't..."

Aadarsh's fingers rolled into a fist. "You should be. Go."

"I know, I.." Abhi began explaining.

"Abhi," he almost shouted looking at his brother with a piercing gaze. "Not the right time, go away."

Abhi smacked his lips and sat on the bed. "I am really sorry, I shouldn't have got him here but Bhai.." his voice gave away his misery. "I just wanted to see him... to see him happy."

Aadarsh scoffed. "I hope you saw that. Now, leave the freaking room. I am not in the right mind to talk to you."

Abhi was about to say something but one angry look from Aadarsh and he quivered and left the room. On his way out he almost literally ran into Ruhaani. He stared at her for a beat and then walked past her. 

Ruhaani took a deep breath, wondering if she should still approach Aadarsh. She had heard his loud voice and there was no doubt he was pissed. But she felt he should know about what Nirvaan felt. After pondering for a few minutes, she took a deep breath, stepped forward and knocked on the door.

Through the narrow opening of the ajar door, she was able to see that he was seated on the edge of the bed, with his head buried into his hands. He was evidently distressed with whatever had happened upstairs some time ago.

He looked up towards the door. He drew out air parting his lips. Why was she here now? What part of 'I need some time to myself' did she not understand?

"Can I come in?" Ruhaani asked hesitantly. She could feel her heart thudding hard. She felt nervous, scared almost. The way he looked at her made her uncomfortable. Maybe she should have just avoided him. However, Nirvaan's dejected face flashed before her eyes.

"I just wanted to talk about Nirvaan," she added cautiously.

Almost immediately she saw a shift in his expressions. He looked concerned. He got up from the bed saying, "come in". 

She stepped in feeling the cold of the room. Turning behind, she slowly shut the door. Turning back to face him, she stood by the door, not stepping in any further. She looked ahead to find him staring at her. She didn't know what to make of that look. 

She swallowed the lump forming in her throat and spoke up, "Nirvaan saw and heard your father. He was in the hall."

"Fuck!" Aadarsh cursed looking away for a moment, a hand running down his face. He took a step forward. "What part? He told you, he did?"

"Hmm," was all Ruhaani could reply. She had never felt so intimidated by someone. She looked at him staring at her like he was waiting for her to tell him more. 

"Yes. He was on the swing by himself and I spoke to him. He seemed very upset about the fact that his father doesn't remember him." She said at one go.

"No shit!" Aadarsh muttered. "I will talk to him." He said walking towards her, towards the door actually.

"Aadarsh," she spoke up as he neared her.

He stopped right beside her, turning his head to look at her.

"I spoke to him about it. I don't think you should speak to him about it again. He doesn't know that you know and it's best to keep it that way. He shared what he felt with me and it was his first step towards trusting me. He doesn't open up easily. I think he only opened up because he thought I could relate to him. If he knows that I told you, he may never share anything with me again. He doesn't seem to be the kind to share what he feels any ways."

"Yeah, he doesn't... at least not with everyone." Aadarsh spoke looking at her. He was surprised Nirvaan spoke to her. Nirvaan was much like him. They both preferred to deal with their emotions and everything they felt on their own. At times, it was difficult even for him to get feelings out of that boy. But somehow Ruhaani had managed to it and in a very short period. It was shocking for him really.

"I just told him that he has you ..." she didn't know why the manner in which he looked at her made her pause. "You all,  his siblings. I just came by to say that, I think you should just spend some time with him. He would feel comforted by that."

Aadarsh could now see the whole picture. He understood what she was doing out in the lawn with Nirvaan. "Thank you," he said.

She shook her head and passed him a smile. "I will get going then." She turned around to the door.

"Ruhaani," he called, momentarily closing his eyes. She turned to look at him as she held the door open.

"I am sorry my father messed up with your name."

"That's okay. He must have forgotten my name." She said with an understanding smile. He simply stared at her. She was okay, because she didn't know who Siddhi was. 

"I will come along." He said following her outside. 

"Is Nirvaan still downstairs?" He asked falling in step beside her as she walked towards the lift.

"Yes, he is. Dai Jaan had the dinner served for kids."

He nodded following her into the lift. They stood silently in the confined space as the lift descended. The doors opened with the mild ding sound. They wordlessly ambled  towards the dining area. Aadarsh took a seat beside Nirvaan while Ruhaani sat across the table from him with Mukti and Pari. There gazes met once in a while but the only words they exchanged were with he kids. 

* * *

Ruhaani was exhausted. The evening had been quite eventful and exceptionally long. She got to see a new side of Aadarsh. A side, she hoped was rare. The only silver lining to the dark cloud of his anger and distress was that he didn't throw out his anger and create a scene. He was disappointed but he maintained his cool in front of others. 

She rested her head back against the wall as she sat on the bed with the quilt wrapped around her. She couldn't stop thinking about Nirvaan. She was scared for him. She knew the dark place he was in. 

That feeling drowned you. The feeling of not having anyone who was genuinely yours. She had stayed years in those dark waters until Harsh had come into her life with new hope. When he left, she was back into those lonely waters, this time around without any hope to keep her going. But then Pari had changed that. Pari was her lifeline, a reason to live. 

She prayed that Nirvaan never drifted to those dark waters. Somehow she felt for him deeply. They barely had any interactions apart from the night but still she found herself connected to him. In fact both the twins had already made a place in her heart. Perhaps because she saw herself in them. 

She remembered that look of concern on Aadarsh's face when she mentioned Nirvaan's name. She recollected all those tiny moments where she had observed Aadarsh's devotion to his little siblings. They were just tiny, really tiny actions.

Like making sure he held both their hands when they had crossed the road to reach the restaurant from the park. Like wiping Mukti's mouth when she ate. Like paying attention and answering Nirvaan's questions that could become stubborn at times. 

He seemed to have formed a good rapport with Pari as well. She turned to her daughter who was fast asleep. She had fallen asleep on the way back. Her fingers gently caressed her hair. Her mind went back to the evening when Aadarsh spotted  Pari before he even looked at her. The way she held his hand. She needed nothing more to convince herself that he would make a really good father for Pari. 

She lowered her head and placed a chaste kiss on Pari's forehead. "You deserve the world." She whispered softly.

* * * 

Delhi winters were usually slow. One had to count days until sunshine came early and one felt like getting out from underneath the quilt. However, this December was different. More than half of December had gone by and Ruhaani was still trying to wrap her mind around the turn of events. Her weekends were spent with the Sehgals, mostly the little Sehgals. She was either at their house or at parks or at museums or visiting monuments with them.

Of course there was her fiancé too. She had sort of grown used to his lack of initiative to talk something outside of the topics of stuff about the kids and the marriage preparations. Every time he spoke it was about Pari, or about his siblings or about their impending wedding preparations. Hardly anything out of that zone.

A resort in the outskirts of Kochi had been decided as the wedding venue. The bookings had been made. The wedding planners had been appointed. Abhi and Aadarsh had paid visit to the resort last weekend. Aadarsh had asked her if she'd like to come along but because Pari had caught a bit of fever and running nose, Ruhaani had politely declined the offer. That weekend was actually one of the best weekends with the Sehgal twins and Ashvi. They didn't have to follow a schedule like they always did when Aadarsh was around. They had even ordered food from outside, which was something that apparently Aadarsh didn't prefer.

Nirvaan had begun to take slow, careful steps to establish a connect with her. He spoke less but his less was always very measured and meaningful. It was a very small change, but it was a start.

Mukti had very happily taken the role of an elder sister for Pari. She went around bossing her, teaching her how to do stuff, scolding her when she didn't do the right thing. Pari was no far behind. She counted days until she got to see Mukti again. The two girls had developed quite a friendship.

Her own bond with Mukti was flourishing. In the past few days, Ruhaani had realized that Mukti absolutely loved filling her on things she had missed out on. The other day Mukti had gone on and on about the Christmas celebrations in her school. It had been a delight, listening to her. Ruhaani had come from a very modest education background, school had always been limited to classes, exams, sports day and annual day, so through Mukti she got a glimpse of what life at a sophisticated school was like.

While the Christmas celebration had Mukti in high spirits, Nirvaan was pissed by the lack of his favorite classes and lack of homework. Nirvaan loved to keep his mind occupied. Even the games he preferred to play were the ones where he challenged himself. He had started to teach Ruhaani how to play chess.

Any other day Ruhaani would have run the other way. She found chess a very boring game with boring black and white colors. She would rather play the childish ludo or snakes and ladders instead. However, for Nirvaan she was willing and putting her best efforts to learn chess.

The Sehgals may be pretty close to one another however they were very different from each other. Somehow, everyone of them, except her fiancé, wanted her time, they wanted someone to talk to, they wanted someone to share their thoughts and things they were passionate about with. She easily became a perfect fit for them.

She had once read somewhere or perhaps heard it as a dialogue, that the thing about big houses is that they have a lot of space for each of its members but people in it don't realize when they grow distant. The Sehgals each had their own closed spaces in their big house and somehow there seemed to be disconnect in the core of their lives.

She wondered if they even knew what was deeply going on in the other's mind. At least the twins were lucky because they did everything together and shared the same room. However, the others had their own life going on. The only time the siblings came together was at the dining table. The only person in the household who had an idea of what was going in each life was Dai Jaan. 

Dai Jaan had unsurprisingly become her favorite person in the Sehgal household. The woman was like sunshine, bright and warm on a cold day. Ruhaani had started getting a glimpse of how things worked in the Sehgal household by spending time with her, however little she got.

Surprisingly, Abhimanyu Sehgal was warming up to her too. He did ask questions to get to know her but they weren't as uncomfortable and deeply personal as before. They were simple like, what are your hobbies, where do you work, what do you do professionally kind. The kind to get to know her earnestly. The kind his elder brother never asked her.

Presently, she was seated in Aadarsh's car as they headed to his aunt's place. Badi Bua had invited them over for dinner. Abhimanyu was out with his friends, Ashvi was working on some last assignment for the semester so the two of them couldn't make it. Dai Jaan had suggested to leave the kids behind at home under her care. 

It had all started with Mukti's reluctance to come for the dinner. It was apparently movie night for them which was once fortnightly during school days and once a week during vacations. They had planned to watch Home Alone. As always Nirvaan agreed with Mukti. Then Pari began throwing a tantrum. She wanted to stay with Mukti. And with the turn of events in that order they had left the kids at the Sehgal household under Dai Jaan's care.

Ruhaani was tempted to stay back too. She didn't want to go all alone with Aadarsh. With kids around it was easy and convenient to pass time, they were bundles of excitement and curiosity. There was always guaranteed chatter with them around. However with just her and Aadarsh, the silence would be difficult and she would have to do all the work to think about topics to talk, because the other person in the equation didn't. 

However, her ordeal didn't end there. Aadarsh almost always had a way to put conversations to an end very quickly. She had no clue whether he did it on purpose or was seriously incapable to keep a conversation and going. So she had to think again and bring up something they could talk about, other than the weather, traffic, city development and their education. They had exhausted everything there was to talk about those topics long back.

They had been on the road for fifteen minutes. They had heard three bollywood songs with about eight to nine advertisements in between. The current commercial was longer and more repetitive than the previous two. It had seemingly annoyed Aadarsh for he had switched to another radio channel where a similar commercial was running and then another and then another. Ultimately powering off the thing.

"They know it's peak hours so they play longer commercials than actual songs." Ruhaani had attempted to initiate a conversation. 

"Yeah, it's annoying!" He had said focusing on the road. 

"The advertisements now are not like before, no? Half the times I don't even understand what they are for. The jingles used to be catchy before and now it just seems like noise."

Nothing from his side.

"They don't make sense either. I mean why would they have AC ads in the peak of winter?" She looked at him. 

"Hmm," was all she heard from him. She went back to looking out of the window. 

"So what does Phupha Ji do, is he into business too?" She asked.

"Yes. He runs a factory that makes parts for electronic devices for various brands."

"Oh nice. He still works full time?"

"The factory is well automated, he oversees most of the stuff but he has a good team. I think he was planning for retirement in the next two to three years."

"Um, do they have any children?"

"Yes, one son, Rohan. He is currently settled amd works in London. He will be there at the wedding."

"Oh, that's great."

A silence fell again. She glanced at the small screen of the navigation unit. They still had about thirty eight minutes to spend in the car. He didn't say anything. Slowly the silence began getting to her nerves. Perhaps she could read something on her phone. But then that would be rude. Her gaze observed the dashboard. Her fingers restlessly toyed with the chain of her sling purse.

Aadarsh was glad he had the silence back. He should have seriously tried to avoid the dinner. He was exhausted with the site visits in the morning. And with the driver taking the day off he had had enough of driving around the city. Silence was all he needed. However, Ruhaani somehow couldn't keep silence. She was like Abhi in that, she had to talk.

"Can I ask you something? It's silly, honestly."

Aadarsh wanted to teleport to someplace quiet. The woman didn't know how to shut up and sit. "Sure," he said politely, holding on to patience. He usually hated overtaking, but right now he wanted to just get done with the night. So he over took the car in front and sped ahead.

"You, Abhi, and Ashvi. . . all your names start from A, why not so for Mukti and Nirvaan?"

"It's a coincidence I believe. All our names were as per horoscope. My grandfather was quite particular about that. He decided the names for me and Abhi and for Ashvi it was Maa's decision if I remember right."

"Oh... no wonder your and Abhi's name gives the eighties nineties feel. Aadarsh. Abhimanyu." She said in a heavy voice and then smiled turning to him. 

He just turned to her and nodded.

Ruhaani slowly looking ahead at the red back lights of the car as they halted at the signal. This man didn't know how to have fun. She was tired. She was not going to put any more effort.  Perhaps she should just go to sleep, but again, that wasn't socially acceptable for a co-passenger on the front seat. She mentally made a note to avoid long drives and journeys with him. 

After about five minutes a bright idea struck her. "Does your system support Bluetooth? I can play songs from my mobile, there won't be advertisements."

He glanced at her and then at the music system. "Go ahead and figure out. I am not sure if this car has it."

Ruhaani stared at him for a beat longer than normal, as he turned back to the road. He was like one of those annoying characters in a book. The one you wish you could get inside a book and hit on the head. Obviously one couldn't do that to a real person, definitely not to a fiancé.

She took a deep breath and started searching for a sign of Bluetooth on the car's music system. She had less hopes, her luck was running pretty dry today. She just wanted to get inside her warm quilt on her bed and sleep. She wanted the day to be over and bedtime to come quickly. But the night had just begun. 

• — • — •

Hope you liked the chapter. Looking forward to read your comments and thoughts.

Who do you think is going to fall first, if at all that happens?  

Next on Friday, mostly!

—Anami!♡