I awoke to the smell of coffee and bacon. Mary was clearly preparing for Tim's appetite. I slowly showered, thinking I had some time, given how late Tim and Tess had been at Billy's the previous night, but I was the last to arrive when I got downstairs.

"Billy," surprise filled my voice.

"It's my mom's house, Lily," he muttered before taking a swig of coffee.

"Oh good, you're up." Mary's voice was typically cheerful. "Boys, help me carry things to the dining room," she directed. Once the boys shuffled out with the food, she turned to me. The cheerfulness drained, and concern filled her face. "How are you? You got in late last night."

"Yeah, it wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible. I can't get a read on Billy, but we're just disconnected."

"Give him some time. He's trying to process. But he showed up this morning." She gave me a sympathetic smile as she spoke.

I gave her a tight smile and followed her to the dining room. Timmy, James, and Billy ate an impressive amount of food while I picked at my fruit salad. My hunger subsided as my mind dwelled on the disconnect that was spreading from Billy to everyone around me. I didn't belong anymore.

"You okay?" Tess quietly asked.

"Yeah," I absently responded. I shook my funk off before adding, "it's chilly, right? I'm going to get my sweater from the office." But really, I just needed a moment to reset.

The only thing worse than Billy avoiding me was him being so close and ignoring me. My eyes fell on my laptop as I pulled on my sweater. It tempted me to crack it open and check my email as a distraction, but I knew I shouldn't. I needed to stop avoiding things. My eyes lifted to the pile of Billy's albums. I shifted through them, pausing on each cover. With a sigh, I set them back and turned to the door. Billy could always fill a doorway.

"Hey," I shyly dropped my eyes. I broke his heart. Did I get to look at him?

"Hey," he shot back.

Silence filled the air between us as my body awkwardly twisted to a silent tune.

"No second 'hi'? I'm disappointed." There was a tease in his voice.

"I guess I'm good at disappointing you."

"Lil." He said Lil; my mind registered that he said Lil. "I'm sorry about your dad."

"I miss him." I shrugged as tears welled.

He hesitated and then took a step further into the room. "About what I said last night...."

I looked at him with tears clouding my eyes, hoping I didn't have to absorb another hit like the night prior.

"Come here." He took a step forward and held his arms out to me.

I didn't move. I didn't know what to do. Had I completely cracked? Was this a daydream? He couldn't be offering his arms to me after all I had done.

"Lil, I'm not going to bite." He took another step forward, so I was within his reach, and pulled me to him.

It wasn't soothing. It wasn't comforting. And it wasn't healing. In Billy Collins' arms, a surge of desire burned through me. It wasn't sweet or tender; it was raw. His embrace stirred emotions in me so starved that it hurt. I felt like the man singing in every one of Billy's songs. I pushed off to stop the throbbing.

"Billy," my words came in a rasp.

"Lily," he gazed at me for a moment before letting his forehead fall to mine. "I hate how this is, this life we created."

"I know; me too."

"Most days, I wish I'd never met you."

"And the others?"

"I just feel like crying."

"Billy," I let my hands fall to his chest.

"Tell me you did it, all the things, Lil. Tell me you're happy. The career, Portland; tell me it was enough."

"I can't, Billy. I've never been good at lying to you."

He closed his eyes but stayed close. I watched something ripple through him as though my proximity caused him pain.

"I've never stopped loving you, Billy."

"Don't, Lil."

"Why are you here?" I asked.

He opened his eyes and gazed at me. "I never knew my dad; really knew him. I was just a teen when he passed. He was a father, a great father, but I didn't get to know him as a person. Your father was the best man I've ever had the pleasure of calling my friend. I'll never find the words to describe how he changed me; he helped me. This life," Billy paused, glanced around the room, and began again as his eyes peered out the window. "My life is wonderful. I have the privilege of making my passion my livelihood, the good fortune of a healthy family, and the wealth of financial security. But all of this luxury has come at a cost. I had to give up things I held dear. Some things, like my privacy, I knowingly gave away. Some things, like with you, I wasn't given a choice. And some things, like the pieces of myself I didn't even know yet, slipped away before I realized I had them. I was so young when this all started. I didn't know who I was; how could I..." He closed his eyes hard and sucked in a replenishing breath.

"Billy," I offered, but he stopped me with the raise of his hand.

"I would have gone mad. I'm not certain I didn't, but I wouldn't have what I have today if not for your father. He was generous with his time, patient with my rambles, and forgiving my flaws. All I have been able to think since he passed is that he wasn't mine. He was all those things to me, and all I called him was a friend." Billy's eyes met mine. The heavy gaze nearly made me collapse, but his candor kept me clinging to his words. "I'll never pretend to understand what losing your father is like. You had the luxury of knowing him both as your parent and as a friend. I wish I could understand so I could begin to help. But I guess it's too late for us to comfort each other." He paced to the door, but paused when his hand hit the doorknob. His eyes flickered up at me. "Please eat more before you waste away. Pushing fruit around your plate isn't sustenance." And then he was gone.

I should have left before Mary made me tell Billy. If I had left after repairing my relationships with Mary, Tim, and Tess, I could have returned to Portland and stayed in touch. But I waited too long, and Billy was there now, acting as a wall between the family I longed to be a part of and me. Billy and I were broken, so everything he brought into my life was shattered. Even in moments when we both desperately wanted to connect, we splintered apart.

I aimlessly floated through breakfast like a balloon a child had released into the sky. But no one was crying on the sidewalk as I drifted away. I had floated away so long ago that no one missed me.

I tried to hear Tess' stories as we bobbed between shops, but I only absorbed a fraction of the conversation.

"Lily, what are you going to do?" She finally gave up on avoiding the elephant following us around.

"Go home," I flatly answered.

"Is that what you want? To run away again?"

"I'm not running away this time. I'll stay in touch with everyone," I offered.

"Everyone?" Tess challenged.

"I'm tired, and it feels wrong being here with Billy not being...."

"Present," Tess offered.

"It's just confusing. I mean, there are moments when I feel like we could be okay, and then this anger consumes him, or worse, sadness."

Tess let out a laugh. "I knew it!"

"Tim was blabbering last night that this would work, and I said it was weird."

"It's super weird. I feel like I can't be myself around him anymore. It's just so off because...."

"Because..."

Because he is the only person I've ever been able to be me around, screamed in my head. But when my mouth opened, "Tess, don't open pandora's box," fell out.

"Maybe?"

I lifted my gaze to her.

"Maybe you can bring a bit of the old Billy back. The one that had all the fun and optimism."

"Tell me about Billy," I prodded.

"Tim and I try to convince ourselves he just grew up, but he grew...."

"What?" I was getting frustrated with everyone dancing around Billy.

"I don't know. He just seems to have lost his faith in people."

Her words hit like a punch. "People like me."

"Yeah, and Sarah," Tess sighed. "She is so...."

"So, what? Tim told me she tried to take the kids a couple of years ago."

Tess' eyes shot to me in shock. "A couple of years ago?"

"Yeah, didn't you know? I guess he was on tour, and she tried to get sole custody."

"Oh yeah, right, a couple of years ago," she nodded. "There's that, and it's spread. He doesn't trust people to do little things. At work, he is just so... focused."

"Focused is a good thing. He was always focused."

"No, but, well... he doesn't let other people help him. Honestly, he doesn't listen to anyone either. Like in the studio, he just takes over. All these people are doing their jobs, but he stays and redoes everything when they go home."

"Everything?"

"Yeah, pretty much everything. And when he doesn't do it, he is right there telling everyone how to do it."

"Maybe he just knows his vision," I shrugged.

"Maybe, except, it's not just his stuff. He does it to all the artists. It's his way or... well, there is no or, it's just his way. And honestly, no one seems more miserable about it than he does. I mean, he's usually right, but still... he's isolated himself."

"But what about with Viv and Jackson?"

"Oh, total dad of the year. That's the weird part. The kids; he's old Billy. It's like someone handed him a map at home, so he always knows the right thing to do. He lets the kids be kids and grow and learn, within reason, of course. And the house. Like he always knows what he wants to do there. When he was building it, he knew how he wanted everything: the old farmhouse with the barn studio, the land, the pond, the garage. It is like someone told him exactly what it would be like, and he was just building it."

"I think that has always been Billy. He has more responsibilities at work. He always took everyone's success so seriously. That's why he started the studio to help new artists, not himself."

Tess skeptically looked at me. "I don't know if that is still his goal." Then she sighed. "Maybe you can crack his hard candy shell."

"Doubtful. He's like a stranger to me now."

"Yeah, it's weird to see you two boiled down to whatever you are now. I miss the teasing. You were nothing if not entertaining."

"Yeah, until we weren't."

"Until you weren't," Tess agreed with a sad smile.

"Sometimes I see the Billy I knew, but then other times I have to be this weird robot of social constructs. Seriously, I could have gotten through breakfast with him by only saying yes, no, and thank you."

"Lil, it's weird. Like, super weird. I can't figure out what it is. He's been pulling away for months. Tim's been trying to downplay it, but I know he is worried."

"Is that why Billy thought Tim had called me?"

"What?"

"When I first got here, Billy accused Timmy of calling me. I never really thought about why."

"Probably. Honestly, I'm sure Tim thought of calling you."

"But I mean, Billy's never been a talkative guy."

"Yeah, but he didn't need to be. You could always feel what he was thinking. He used to have such an expressive presence. He's just started masking his thoughts and emotions." Tess sighed.

"Mmhmm, I'm not feeling the masked emotions. I am feeling 100% angry. I just wish he'd yell at me. He was close last night when he found out about my father." I paused at the thought when I realized, "but then he bottled it."

"Wait, you want him to yell at you?" Tess let out a laugh.

"Yeah, he needs to yell, to let it all out. I broke his heart. I deserve to be yelled at, unless...."

Tess looked at me, egging me on with a look to finish.

"Unless it's over, but I just feel like..."

Tess let the conversation die with my failing thought. It was a thought that plagued me for the rest of the day. Was I feeling apathy from Billy Collins? Was the oddness and disconnect I felt indifference? It couldn't be. Not with the stolen moments when he'd come so close to me, so close to letting me into his thoughts. Maybe he knew I couldn't live in a world without my father and Billy Collins. He was trying to let me back in, but there was just too much to overcome. Even though ten years had passed in silence, a part of me left the door ajar for him. If I thought too hard about it, it felt like that door was closing.

"Hello, earth to Lily...." Tess elbowed me as the buildings of downtown Duluth whirled by outside my car window.

"I'm sorry, Tess; I'm the worst company."

"It's okay; I know you have a lot going on." She gave me a sympathetic smile that I had seen all over my office since word got out that my dad had passed.

"No, that's not fair. Everyone has a lot going on. Tell me about you," I prodded.

She sighed heavily before starting with, "not much to tell."

"Oh, I don't believe that for a moment, not from the marvelous Tess Simone," I teased.

"Mmhmm, maybe the Tess Simone was marvelous, but Tess Denning is a mom, wife, housekeeper, chef," her voice drifted off.

"But you're happy, right?"

"I am; well, I was."

"Oh, no. Is there something wrong with you and Tim?"

"Geez, no, I still love that big golden retriever like we just started dating."

"So, what's wrong?" I felt an odd surge. It was a sensation of nearing panic.

"Honestly, since you've been back..." she hesitated, "I think I might be a little jealous."

"What? Of who?"

"You. I keep hearing Tim and Mary, even Billy, talk about how you did what you wanted. You became a well-respected career woman in IT, no less. And I'm a mom."

"Tess, that's ridiculous. First, the way you say mom is borderline offensive. Honestly, there are many times at work that I've sat back and asked myself what Mary would do, and sometimes, I've asked myself what Tess would do."

"That's not true, but I appreciate you lying to me," her voice was thin.

"It is true. Honestly, for a long time, I worked to downplay my femaleness in my career. I just focused on working the hardest. I'd be the first one in the office and the last one to leave. Both my team and I were miserable. Then I started thinking about what makes people successful. It's not how long or hard they work, but how they do the work and how a person solves and collaborates. That's what I learned from you and Mary. No one in the world is better at creative problem-solving than a parent!"

"You really think about me?"

"Tess, of course I do. What I admire so much about you and Mary is how much you both care. You both have this emotional intelligence that I'll never have."

"Mmhmm," Tess murmured to herself.

"And, as much as I hate to admit it, I admire that in Tim too. For so long, I wanted to paint him as this goofy guy who never took much seriously, but he has this amazing, calming presence."

"He does," Tess agreed. "I think people just immediately feel like he cares."

"You do that too; you both diffuse negativity with your presence. It's like your superpower."

"Yeah, what do you think is your superpower?"

"I'm pretty sure self-reflection," I laughed. "I just can't set out of my own way!"

"Aw, that's not true," Tess soothed.

I responded with a simple eyebrow raise.

"Ok, maybe it's a little true," she giggled.

"I think Billy's superpower is his gentleness. Is that a superpower?" I pondered as I let my gaze fall back to the passing city.

"No, that's not a superpower, and that's not Billy," Tess' words were filled with a stifled chuckle.

"What? What do you mean?" I turned back to Tess.

"Lil, I just got done trying to get this through to you. The Billy that you knew was only like that around you. Now you're seeing the other side of Billy that everyone else gets."

"What does that mean?" I could hear annoyance spill into my words. After all the years, I still couldn't digest negativity toward Billy.

"I'm telling you that aside from with the kids, he's not that sweet. He's moody, stubborn, and kind of a control freak. You never know what Billy you're going to get."

"What are you talking about? You said that was just at work."

Tess sighed in annoyance. "I think you need to take off your crush glasses and look at Billy with some reality. He didn't get to where he is on sheer talent, and he didn't stay where he is because he is an easy-going, nice guy. He can be pretty caustic and demanding."

"He has to be, Tess. It's not easy being the one supporting everything.

"Supporting everything, do you know how many nights Tim hasn't been able to come home because Billy has been fixating on a riff, lyric, or even a cover photo? He gets so singularly focused that he'll forget everything else, including eating. Trust me; Billy isn't supporting everything. He may think he is, but he's not."

"No, he'd never forget the kids," I argued.

"Fair," Tess nodded, dissuading some of my rising concern. "But aside from the kids, Mary, and at one point you, the world fades away when he latches onto something." She paused for a moment before adding with a chuckle, "I mean, I totally get the cover photo thing. I love it when Tim brings home a batch of options. Visual art is my jam."

"Really? I can see that." I smiled, allowing this diversion to pull my thoughts from the person she claimed Billy had become.

"Hey, want to see the studio?" There was a mischievous gleam in Tess' eyes.

"I don't think Billy would like that," I sighed.

"I know that's what makes it fun. Let's put his politeness to the test," she prodded.

"You see that too, right?"

"Oh, yeah. It's an act. I can't tell what he's covering up. With you, it could be any of a million emotions."

I let out a giggle at her plan. "Okay, but if we are going to go, we at least have to bring a peace offering. What's his favorite malt shop?"

"You are too nice to that man," Tess shook her head.

"I don't think anyone would ever agree with that statement, given how many times I have broken his heart."

"Mmhmm, fair," she agreed as she pulled a highly illegal U-turn.