"Take your coat off," Billy muttered as he kicked his shoes off and went straight to the couch. He sunk heavily on the cushions.

I hung my coat and carefully took my shoes off before perching on a chair next to the couch. The silence was brutal. The chill from Billy was unmistakable. I stared at the clock on my phone, willing the minutes to pass. If nothing else, Tim would break the silence. But until then, a thick, suffocating quiet surrounded Billy and me.

"Hey, man," Tim said as he came in, and then his eyes fell on me. "Lil, you're here... with Billy... in awkward silence."

"Tell them." Billy threw his hands up in the air.

"My dad died," I flatly said.

"What?" Tess and Tim said in unison.

"My dad died last month," I said again. No tears came this time. It was real and forever now that Billy knew.

"Lily, I'm so sorry," Tim set a gentle hand on my shoulder, but it was clear from his voice that he didn't know what to do.

The situation was confusing. Billy and I were mourning equally but separately. We were near in our proximity but distant in our emotions. Even Tim couldn't bridge the gap.

"I'm sorry, Billy. I know you were very close," Tess soothed as she sat on the couch next to him.

"Thank you," he quietly said and squeezed her knee.

I let my eyes linger on his hand. I remembered that hand, that reassuring squeeze. Instead of feeling that reassurance, Timmy slid into the chair with me. It wasn't big enough for his frame and mine, so he pulled me to his lap.

"What can I do, Lilipop?" Tim murmured.

It was such a Billy response. I pulled my eyes from Billy's hand and let my head drop to Tim's chest. He rested his chin on the crown of my head.

"Nothing, just be you. You're enough," I said as I curled into him like a child.

What I said caused an unintended response from Billy. He was up on his feet, quickly pacing away. Tess' wide eyes snapped to Tim and me.

"Let him go. He'll be back," Tim's voice ricocheted from his chest with a soothing and familiar vibration.

"You knew," I whispered without lifting my face to look at Tim.

"I suspected," he corrected before a crash from the kitchen interrupted him. "Maybe I'll go," he quickly said as he slid out from under me.

"How are you doing?" Tess shifted on the couch and invited me to her.

I accepted with a reassuring smile. "Mary's been fixing me up."

"Is that why you came here tonight?"

"Yeah, I hoped she'd tell him, but she was right to have it come from me. There was no funeral, so he didn't miss anything. My dad didn't want one. It was just family at the burial."

"Billy cherished that friendship," Tess spoke low.

"I don't know what to do with that. He was my dad; should I apologize for introducing them?" I didn't mean it to come angry, but everyone kept reminding me how much my father meant to Billy.

"I don't know. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with any of this either," Tess admitted before silence fell between us. After a few moments, Tess broke the quiet with a "hey."

"Hey," I shot back.

"Lil, can I ask you something?" Her voice was tentative.

"Of course, you can ask me anything."

"Why did you leave? Things seemed to be going so well. I know this probably isn't the time, but with emotions already raw, I just figured...."

It was the question I had been asking myself for ten years. Why did I leave? Was it the feeling of being out of control? Was it the fear of losing my anonymity? Was I afraid of letting someone in so entirely that they would have the power to destroy me?

"All the things," I murmured.

"Tell me one, just one," Tess prodded.

"Did you know that for all the years Billy and I have been, well, Billy and I, we've never been on a date?"

"What?" Surprise filled Tess' voice. "Billy seems like such a romantic; you never went on a date?"

"I mean, there was a chocolate malt the first night we met, but he just became... and then going out...." My mind wandered through all the tender moments, the easy romance, but never a date, not unless watching a movie at home was considered a date.

The couch shifted by a body joining us; Billy was suddenly sitting beside me. He held up a cup to me.

"The kids like egg creams better than malts." There was a tone of frustration in his voice.

"Smart kids." I took the cup and sipped. "You've certainly had practice," I admitted as I held the straw out to him. He leaned in close for a sip without taking the cup from me.

"So," Tim began, as he slumped into the chair.

"Still can't do silence, can you, Timmy?" I teased a bit.

"Hey, did your dad ever tell you about that book, Noise?" Billy dropped his head down, so he wasn't far from my ear as he spoke.

"Tell me? I got that for him a couple of Christmases ago," I said before taking another sip.

"That LA library book was you, too." It wasn't a question. It was a statement followed by him stealing another sip of my egg cream.

"Yeah, that one was great," I agreed. "I got really into famous fires for a while. My dad got me one of the Portland fire, and then I read one about Boston."

"House fires were your biggest fear as a kid, right?"

"Mmhmm," I absently agreed as I took another sip.

"Flushing out the unknown," he murmured to himself. "Wait, I got the Boston one, but not the Portland one. There was a big fire in Portland?" There was a whine in Billy's voice, like we had left him out.

"Yeah, on the 4th of July, like a hundred years ago. That's why Portland is mostly brick now, and we have a Phoenix as our city symbol." I took another sip and lifted the straw the Billy. "You can finish it."

He sucked down the rest before sitting back and slinging an arm around me. "You still have a copy of the Portland one?"

"Yeah, I can send it to you."

"Thanks." After a moment, he added, "I finally learned how to do taxidermy."

"Ew, I just had an egg cream. Let's not discuss taxidermy unless you want to see it again." I shook my head. "How you two could talk about stuffed dead animals for an entire lunch is still beyond me."

"And you didn't vomit," he reminded.

"Yeah, I also didn't eat," I argued.

"Looks like you've been thinking about taxidermy too much," he poked my side as he spoke.

"You haven't seemed to share the infliction," I teased as I tapped his stomach. He winced briefly at my joke. "It's cute. I like the little pasta pouch," I offered with a smile, which he returned with something that resembled the bit-back smile I once knew so well, but his dimples didn't appear.

I leaned back slightly into his side, but not like I once used to tuck myself. Still, as I let my eyes wander, Tim and Tess looked at us anxiously, and I suddenly felt self-conscious of our proximity. Billy must have felt it, too, as we both stiffened and separated.

"Anyone want tea?" I realized this wasn't my home as I spoke. "You mind?"

"No, knock yourself out. I'll have a cup." Billy's elbows fell to his knees, and he let his hands drive through his hair the way he did when he was overwhelmed but trying to hide it.

I just escaped. The moment, the proximity, the familiarity, I ran away from it all and to the kitchen. Everything was the same, but felt slightly different. My eyes fell on photos that cluttered the fridge, but they clung to one of Viv putting Jackson in a headlock.

"She plays baseball, just like you wanted," Billy said as he leaned against the doorjamb with his arms crossed.

"Tim mentioned she was the MVP," I smiled.

"Yeah, she's a good athlete." He moved closer and let the back of his knuckle flow over the photo.

I turned away to focus on the tea rather than the distraction his proximity pulled from me. He slid onto the counter as his heavy gaze landed on me. The friction of ten years caused deep cuts, wounds that were difficult to scab, let alone heal. The energy of his nearness was biting at the gashes.

"What are you looking for, Lily? It seems like you're looking for a solution of sorts, but wouldn't that require a problem?"

"My father," I mumbled.

He let out a snort. "You came here for solace?"

"It was the only place other than Portland that felt like home, and Portland..." my words dropped out.

"It's been a long time since this place was a home to you." As he spoke, his eyes glanced around the kitchen. I wondered if our memories here still haunted him as they haunted me.

"All I can say is I'm sorry," I offered.

"I didn't ask you to say anything."

"What can I do? How can I help?"

"Was I ever enough? Was me just being me ever enough?" His eyes were wide, like a child asking if Santa was real.

"Of course. Why would you ask that?" The question alone made me want to puddle to the floor.

"It never seemed like I was. You always were looking for a reason to say no, to find someone else." Billy shrugged and let his gaze dip to the floor.

"Billy." He didn't recoil away as I moved closer. I put my hands tentatively on his knees as he leaned closer. I took it as an invitation and tucked fully into him as his hands settled on my hips. "You were always enough, more than enough. I'm sorry if I didn't say it, and I am even more sorry if I didn't make you feel it. Any woman will be lucky to have you by their side."

"Did you feel it?" His hazel eyes met mine, and I lost my breath for a moment.

My fingers dug deeper into his legs before I managed an answer. "No, but not because of you. I knew you saw me as enough, but I wouldn't let myself believe it."

Billy slid down from the counter, so he was tight against my body. His arms familiarly circled me. I closed my eyes and sucked in his musk, savoring it for the moment. But as soon as the moment started, it was shattered.

"You broke my heart, Turncott. You broke it into a million pieces," his voice cut short with a slight shake of his head. With a heavy sigh, he started again, "what's done is done. I don't want this anymore."

"Me?"

"You," he gave another slight nod. "I deserve better; deserved better."

"You did and do," I agreed. "If I could, I'd take all the pain away. That was never what I wanted for you. I wish I could make you understand that, Billy. You were always too good, too confident. I just wasn't strong enough back then."

"Strength was never your issue, but we'd have been stronger together. When you needed backing, I'd have been strong for you. That's what love does; it strengthens you when you can't support yourself. But you wouldn't let me in."

"You were in Billy. I may have tried to hide it, but you were my strength. In many ways, you still are, even if it's just in memories."

"Lily, don't...." I waited for him to continue his thought, but I watched as his mind switched directions and a laugh slipped from his lips.

"What?"

"You know, I honestly thought you couldn't hurt me again."

"I've hurt you again?" I depleted before him.

He lifted my chin with a single finger, scanning my face, making me feel naked and vulnerable. "I thought you came back for me."

I felt myself stumble away from him as though he had punched me in the face. There was a flash of satisfaction in his expression at how deeply his words had struck.

"I should get going," I managed.

I dumped the kettle out and put the mugs away as Billy watched. Then, without a word, I escaped back to the living room.

"Hey, I'm going to head out. Thank you both for coming. Tess, are we still on for tomorrow?"

"Yeah, of course; see you at breakfast." She rose and hugged me as she spoke.

As she pulled away, Tim replaced her with a hug of his own.

"Everything okay?" He whispered once he was wrapped around me.

"Yeah, things are fine."

"You know I hate that word, Lil."

"Sorry, Timmy; sometimes fine is as good as it gets."