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"Grief is the price we pay for love."

- Queen Elizabeth II

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Tick . . .

Tock . . .

Tick . . .

Tock . . .

Krunchh!

Tick . . .

Krunchh!

My watch ticked lazily in the silent car and with every turn the sound of gravel and stone was evident. No words were spoken, only silent comforts. Dawson had one hand on the stirring wheel while the other was on my hand, clutching it tightly as he drove us to St. James Hospital.

My lips quivered slightly, collecting the stray tears that fell out of my eyes as thoughts and what ifs ran recklessly through my mind. It was a depth deeper than the Mariana Trench, the horrid feeling in the back of my throat as I imagined the worst case scenarios. My stomach tightened and I ran a hand through my hair as the emotions began to feel overwhelming.

Noticing my distress, Dawson squeezed my hand and began to rub circles on the back of it in an attempt of comfort. Any other scenario I would have welcomed this but my mind felt so flooded with different roads and paths that seemed neverending and grim. I pulled my hand away from his with a tight heart and turned away so I wouldn't have to look at the hurt on his face.

"We're almost there," He assured me, understanding that the walls I put up were not against him.

No verbal response came from me as I only nodded my head, looking at the window with furrowed brows and sore eyes. My eyes had been stinging with tears all cried out and I didn't think I'd be able to cry anymore.

Even as we arrived at the hospital and I had rushed out to hurry to the floor my grandmother was on, no tears fell. Dawson followed closely behind to ensure my safe arrival but I was quick and nimbly worried as I whizzed past busy doctors and patients, annoyed glances thrown at my panicky state.

"Be alright," I chanted in my head as my heart hammered loudly in my chest.

My feet slowly came to a stop as  I caught sight of the room number in which held my grandmother's life.

Dawson eventually caught up to me and panted to a stop. He saw my hesitation and stood by my side in silent support as I looked up at the numbers with big, fearful eyes.

I crossed my arms over my chest and finally turned to look at Dawson who was giving me an encouraging, sad smile. He didn't speak any words and I was grateful for it cause I knew the wrong combination of syllables and consonants would only make me more anxious.

"I think I should go in," I muttered quietly, gaze lowered in depressed contemplation.

Dawson kicked my feet in a manner that was similar as to patting someone's back when they're sad. "It's alright. I'll be out here if ever you need a human-sized tissue."

I quirked a smile at his attempts at comfort and then nodded my head.

"Deep breath," I whispered to myself as I placed a hand on the door knob before twisting it open to see what lay before me.

~*~

Christmas was in a week and here we were on the ninth day of my grandmother's passing at Mary's Garden, a cemetery. The whole was six feet deep and stood above it were my parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, and uncles gathered around to pay our respects.

Katharina held my youngest siblings as they cried, fighting back her own tears as well. My mother wore big black sunglasses to hide the fact she had been crying all night and to top the look was my father's tight embrace as she sniffled her way through the ceremonies. Tris held me in her arms as I let out the loudest cries out of all our family.

"You're the prettiest thing that ever came from your mother, my love," Mama Lita whispered to me as she stroked my hair. I smiled sleepily as I cuddled up to her.

It was one of those days in summer when the sun was too hot in the Philippines and the cicadas let out their rhythmic symphony. The sweat on my brow disappeared with each wave of the papay my grandmother made, a tender smile on her face as I slowly drifted to sleep.

She sang a song in one of the country's dialects, one meant for an occasion like this one.

"Illi illi . . .

Tulog anay . . .

Wala diri . . .

Imong nanay . . .

Kadto tienda . . .

Bakal papay . . .

Illi illi . . .

Tulog anay . . ."

I cried the hardest I ever had in my life, the sobs taking over me with a heavy weight that pressed down on my spine to force me into a hunched position. Tris let out her own soft cries as she patted my back, rubbing it and patting as best she could to soothe me. But the pain was immeasurable and I fought with my own conscience if I could continue like this.

Eventually, after the priest finished the rites, my mother came over to me to pull me into her embrace.

"We'll get through this," She whispered in a hoarse voice masked with sadness unimaginable. "We'll get through this, langga. Please stop crying, we'll get through this."

As my mother begged me to stop, I clutched onto her and cried louder. My cries were so loud and my tears blurred my vision so bad I didn't notice that most people had left and that a person who didn't was slowly approaching my mother and I.

"Ate," The familiar voice called out with a sniffle.

I looked up with furrowed eyebrows expecting to see one of my cousins but was instead met with a ghost of someone who used to be. It was Tita Winona, mom's sister.

Suddenly, I felt a tug on my arm and realized I was being dragged away by my mother who was now aggressively wiping away her tears.

"Mom!" I gasped in surprise, looking back at Tita Winona who only watched us with a defeated expression.

I pursed my lips in thought and I imagined what my grandmother would have wanted. She never liked the in-fighting between her daughters and as I looked at my mom who was struggling to catch her breath from the emotions that wrecked her I could only imagine one thing. Their relationship had to be fixed somehow. I didn't know the reason for their falling out, all I knew was that Mama Lita wouldn't have wanted this.

"Stop!" I cried out, wrenching my arm away from my mom and stumbling a bit from the force I had applied.

My mom stopped in her tracks, a shocked expression on her puffy face. "Langga, what's wrong?"

"You have to talk to her," I urged, looking back at Tita Winona who was still watching us.

Then, at that moment, as Tita Winona looked like a kicked puppy, my dad walked up to her and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. The gesture set off something mom's eyes and next thing I knew she was stomping her way away from the scene.

I gaped at her reaction and then once shaken out of it I jogged up to catch up with her.

"Mommy!" I groaned as I finally fell into step with her angry stomping. "Why'd you take off?"

"I don't want to speak to her, Jusko, it's just going to get me pissed." She shook her head rapidly from side to side to show her displeasure.

"Look, even dad's talking to her and he usually avoids do-"

"Jesus!" Momy groaned out, glaring at me. "Stop, okay? We'll talk about it once we're home. For now, give me some time to think!"

I watched as mom picked up her pace, leaving me in my tracks as I frowned with confusion at her hasty departure. A thought was kicking in my mind but because of how absurd the notion was I dismissed it without investigating the truth. I looked back over to where Tita Winona and dad were last seen but they were no longer there.

I sighed and hugged myself as I stared out into the vast cemetery with ground burial sites. There were still several attendees from the funeral who decided to stay behind and read the tombstones and plaques. Others looked in deep contemplation while some familiar faces, like Mr. and Mrs. Ledger, stayed put to gaze at where Mama Lita was buried, heart broken expressions painted on their faces. I smiled sadly, thinking about how much they cherished my grandmother and the impact she had on their lives.

My continued observation of the mournful silence of the border between now and then was unceremoniously interrupted by the crunching of gravel from behind me.

I looked over my shoulder and smiled the best I could at Cassidy who sported one of the most apologetic faces ever. She held herself in her arms as she approached me, lips pursed into a thin line and eyebrows knitted so close together it forced tears out of her eyes.

"Tria . . .," She sobbed as she approached me with an air of mourning.

I opened my arms for her and she immediately ran into them. I sighed into her hair as she buried her face into my neck, letting out ugly sobs as she repeated the words 'I'm sorry' over and over again.

It made my heart tremor.

Cassidy Brown was never the first person to apologize so who knew all it would take was for someone to die for it to happen? It was a morbid way of thinking that would have made me laugh if it weren't such a sad die.

I patted Cassidy's back as she continued to apologize like a mantra that must be spoken for a new day. "Shh," I whispered into her ear, her hair tickling my nose from the act.

The blonde sobbed harder and hugged me tighter, causing our bodies to press up together. Something ginger moved in the corner of my eye and as I raised my head off of Cassidy's to see Elenor standing behind her. The redhead sported an awkward smile with her arms crossed protectively over her chest. I smiled back but turned away, still feeling bitter from the words she had spoken to me.

Finally, after what felt like a century, Cassidy pulled away, wiping at her nose with red tinted cheeks from all the crying. She held me at arm's length and with a stuttery voice said, "I-I'm so sorry f-for everything, Tree! F-for the party a-and the cafe, and just everything! I d-didn't know that n-not having you i-in my life would affect me so much a-and when I heard what happened I wanted to go to you but I w-was afraid it would just burden you even mode. But I had to come on the last day, I had to say my g-goodbyes as well as see your face to m-make sure y-you're coping alright. You're alright, right?"

I shrugged my shoulders as a new set of tears began to form in my eyes. Seeing this, Cassidy moaned in sympathy and pulled out a handkerchief which I gratefully took.

Sniffling, I replied and said, "Mourning. But moving forward."

Elenor stepped from behind Cassidy and placed a comforting squeeze on my shoulder. I gave her a fleeting smile to which she said, "I'm sorry too, Tree. I shouldn't have said those words to you and I wanna be here now because what's the most important is that you're okay. We're here for you, babes."

I smiled at the both of them in thanks and then chuckled as they pulled me into a deep, group hug. We continued like that for a few minutes before parting ways, with Cassidy giving me one last hug that lasted one minute.

As the two finally parted with me, saying that they'll come over to the house later for a sleepover, I was finally able to breathe again. The whole interaction had my heart racing like a school presentation with the small hand tremors and shaky breaths.

Don't be scared I thought to myself as I opened my palm and observed my fingers that shook with the wind. It was like a small earthquake beneath my bones.

I remembered a lecture that I had one day about what to do when you're feeling anxious of gettin up on a stage or just need to stop the thoughts of anxiety. They explained a grounding technique that involved the five senses.

1. Name 1 thing you can taste.

I smacked my lips together and tasted the fleeting minty taste of the toothpaste I used earlier. Mama Lita licked that type of toothpaste from colgate.

2. Name two things you can smell.

The ground was wet with last night's rain and immediately my nose was filled with the smell of morning dew as I took a big inhale. I could also smell wet gravel as I tried to differentiate the two.

3. Name three things you can feel.

I rubbed the tips of my finger together and listed the first thing I could feel: my skin. Then, I hugged myself again and felt the silk fabric of my black dress move with the glaze of my fingers over it. Then the last thing I could feel was the wind blowing on my face as I gazed out at the open world.

4. Name four things you can hear.

I closed my eyes for this one, trying to focus on the noise the birds over heard made. That was one. Two was the noise a car starting made as one of the attendees left. Third was the sound of feet against gravel and fourth was the sound of sniffles and cries from all around.

5. Name five things you can see.

I opened my eyes and was bombarded with the scene of tombstone and more tombstone. A wholesome sight that I found was people hugging one another close, leaning against each other for comfort in this depressing place. The flying of free birds up ahead had my eyes drifting up into the clouds which made it the fourth object of my sight. As I lowered my gaze back in front of me to fulfill the last task, I was met with the eyes of-

"Daws," I breathed out.

The boy was walking towards me wearing his best black suit and a smile that said 'condolences.' I stepped forward and that was all it took for him to be within the distance I could pull him in and engulf him into a much needed hug.

He welcomed me with open arms and wrapped his arms just below my own, lifting me up a little and holding the heavy weight that I was carrying all day. He let me bury my face into his neck as I cried, the grounding technique losing its affect and making me realize just how badly I wanted him to be beside me.

"Eventually," He whispered into my hair, hugging me tighter until my body was flush against his and I could comfortably feel his heart beating against mine. "This feeling will morph right back into love instead of grief."

His words sent shivers down my spine and I cried harder as I thought about a day that this pain would fade into a throb and a memory to look back upon with faint sadness. Daws carried the weight and made sure it didn't crash down on me, patting my back soothingly and whispering that all will be fine one day.

But something else was stuck on my mind.

It had been the reason I needed grounding.

It was only moments before that I was cradling Cassidy in my arms and now here I was in Dawson's. It was then, when I was with Cassidy, did an ill feeling bubble in my stomach. It was her act of paving a way.

"She wants you," I cried, not caring how pathetic I sounded.

Dawson continued to help me through my pain. "What are you talking about, Atty? Who?"

"Cass apologized," I hiccuped, pulling away to look up into his eyes so he could see the panic in mine.

My heart clenched as smile broke onto his face. "That's great . . . Right?"

I hummed, a bitter smile on my face. "She apologized because it makes it easier for her . . . absurd delusion, I know, but I also know that Cassidy would go to such lengths. That's why we're friends."

Dawson shook his head and pulled away till I was in arm's length from him. I frowned at the distance he created but listened as he spoke.

"I'm sorry, it just sounds so 2010's bully, why exactly would she do that?"

I quirked a smile, tears still staining my cheek as I shrugged my shoulders and casually replied,

"It's easier to steal a girl's boyfriend when you're her best friend."