Word count: 2.5k

Nervously, I began to fidget with the soppy, crisp edges of my tactical vest, running my fingers over the British flag logo stitched onto the forefront of it. My clothes clung to my body, saturated by the river water. Rivulets of dirty wetness began to cascade down the contours of my form before pooling down into my tactical boots. As I began to approach the SUV once again, a subtle squelching sound followed me as I walked. The entire sensation was nothing short of fucking uncomfortable. 

That horrible feeling was soon replaced by sheer, undeniable joy. Ghost's fat ass already took one of the window seats, of course, while Alejandro and Rodolfo sat up front, duh. But you know what seats were left? The window and the middle. Meanwhile, Soap was still behind me, muttering to himself as he continued trying to squeeze the water out of his clothes. "Oh hell yeah," I mumbled under my breath before whipping my body around and sprinting toward the right side of the SUV. Soap's head shot up, his eyes widened as he booked it after me. "Don't you even think about it lass!" He yelled out, his footsteps growing near. 

A huge grin found its way to my face as I ripped open the SUV door and plopped my soaked ass down straight on the warm leather seat, next to the window. Once Soap caught up, not even a second later, his eyes narrowed down at me as I stared up at him, triumph written all of my features. "Oh I'm so sorry... seems the middle seat is all that's left," I mumbled, a sarcastic pout pulling at the edges of my mouth. He smirked down at me, shifting his weight to his right foot, crossing his arms over his chest. "Oh... I understand," he whispered, tapping the corner of his jaw, looking up into the sky. He side eyed me before continuing, "But... you know, my ribs, the ones that were bruised by a bullet... you know those, well... they really hurt and I think the only remedy is your window seat." My eyebrows furrowed, no way was he really pulling that card on me. Groaning curses to myself, I scooted my ass over to the middle, glaring at Soap the entire time.

With a satisfied sigh, he sat down in my seat before slamming the door closed behind him. "How many times are you planning to pull that card on me," I mumbled, my eyes still drilling holes into the side of his stupid Scottish face. With the same cheeky smirk on his mouth, he looked down at me, "I think you already know the answer to that," he winked. Great, so basically for the rest of my entire life, which might not be that long after what happened today. Rolling my eyes, I crossed my arms tightly over my chest, river water spilling out from the fabric of my clothes, pouring into my lap. "Ugh, why did we have to escape in a dirty ass river," I mumbled, shaking my head. 

Rodolfo smirked, looking back at me from the rearview mirror, "Ah, must suck being so wet," he joked. My eyes narrowed into the tiniest slits possible, my lips pulling to the side. It was taking everything in my being not to throw my drenched tactical vest into his stupid fucking face. Noticing this, he immediately directed his attention back to the road in front of him. "Sorry," he mumbled under his breath as he reversed the car, driving off toward Alejandro's base. 

Remember how uncomfortable it was the first time having to sit in the middle? Having two large, broad bodies squishing into me at every possible moment. Remember that? Because I sure as hell fucking do. Now, multiple that by ten thousand. No only was I being smashed between two people, those people reeked of disgusting river water and they fucking dripped their cold, dirty wetness on me the entire goddamn time. A scowl remained on my face the whole length of the car ride, shooting glares at Soap every few minutes or so which he would return with a grin. 

The minute we pulled up into Alejandro's base, I was already jumping over Soap's body straight out of the SUV, obviously elbowing him purposefully in the process. My eyes traveled over the entirety of the base, taking in all the different structures and buildings. An edifice stood tall directly in front of us, surrounded by thick, concrete walls with fortified gates placed strategically between them. Some Los Vaqueros soldiers walked by, giving head nods to Alejandro before continuing whatever it was they were doing. 

The base itself was built in a very secluded part of Las Almas, a few miles away from any nearby towns with a dense green forest separating us from them. The sun was already beginning to rise once again across the horizon, coloring the sky with a gorgeous palette, casting a wide array of colors ranging from light blues all the way to deep purples, and everything in between. Once everyone was out of the vehicle, we all began to group up near the main building, I could feel Ghost's presence directly behind me. Alejandro glanced over at Rodolfo before looking between the rest of us collectively. "We will debrief in one of my meeting rooms, talk about strategy and next moves," he directed before motioning us to follow him. 

To say I was nervous would be an understatement. I had a feeling I would become a topic of discussion at some point, highlight all of my epic fuckups from the past day alone. My betrayal to both the Task Force and Los Vaqueros. To Soap. To Ghost. To Alejandro and Rodolfo and everyone else. To Blaze. To Al-Qatala. To Hassan. My eyebrows furrowed, my gaze remained downcast as I followed everybody else inside. Why was I so selfish? So stupid? I've always had a bad habit of hurting those around me, even if it truly was the last thing I wanted. The line between right and wrong had blurred beyond recognition in my mind over the years. Two different sides, each with their own beliefs and meanings over what was deemed the correct thing to do, and the wrong thing to do. But who was right? Who should I follow? My heart tells me one thing, while my rational mind tells me another. What kind of person am I? That I really couldn't tell you. I don't even know who I am or what I believe in anymore. 

"I know you will always do what is right, my sunflower." My mother's words echoed in my ears. Am I doing what was right? From what I've seen, I only leave a trail of death and destruction in my path, my closet overflowing with skeletons I wished to bury deep down in the past. But, I couldn't. They always found of way of coming out, always found a way to creep up on me, cover my eyes until they would inevitably destroy everything good in my life. Good. What even is that anymore? I couldn't think about that, I couldn't think of all the problems that arise anytime I'm near. Couldn't think of my mother, couldn't think of how disappointed she would be in me. Along with my skeletons, I left her in my past as well. A distant memory. 

Tears began to well in my eyes as I quickly wiped away with the palm of my hand, I was being weak, I just needed to pull myself together, to forget like I always do. Taking a deep, shaky inhale I watched as Soap followed Alejandro and Rodolfo into the meeting room, my feet sluggishly trailing behind them. As I was about to cross the threshold into what I assumed would be my last moments as a free woman, an alive woman at that amongst the Task Force, a large hand grabbed me from behind and shoved me backwards, my feet stumbling beneath me. My teary eyes met Ghost's hardened glare, his large frame looming over me. He took a step forward, invading my personal space, wracking my body with fear. 

His eyes darted all over my features, taking in my reddened eyes filled to the brim with tears, my quivering lip, my furrowed eyebrows. "Why the fuck would you do that, why the fuck did you try running off?" His voice boomed, echoing around the small hallway, his words dripping with hostility, all of which was directed at me. My lips remained sealed together, not wanting to explain myself, not wanting to share the emotions that had been plaguing me ever since I'd been captured, ever since I joined the Task Force, ever since I'd met him. "ANSWER ME!" He shouted, taking another step closer to me, my back pressing up against the wall. I remained still, unmoving, unblinking, I just couldn't do anything. Say anything.

Ghost's eyes drilled holes into my body, his fists clenching tightly at his sides, his entire form shaking with the weight of his anger. "SPEAK! FUCKING SAY SOMETHING!" He yelled, his voice raising with each syllable. The air around me seemed to vibrate with his anger, his words sharp and cutting, piercing into my soul. His knuckles began to turn white against the backdrop of his pale skin. The fury radiating off of him was almost suffocating. "I can't..." I whispered, my voice wavering, carrying the underlying pleading of my words. I just couldn't. Speaking would mean I'd have to come to terms with how I felt, come to terms with how much of a horrible person I was. 

In a burst of emotion, he swung his arm forward, his fist colliding with the concrete wall directly next to my face. The resounding thud sent shockwaves throughout my body, bits of plaster flaked off the wall, falling to the floor, surrounding my boots. He took yet another step forward, his body just inches away from mine. "SAY SOMETHING!" He yelled, pointing his finger in my face, his knuckles bleeding. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" I cried out in return, my voice shaking, matching my trembling body. He shook his head, taking a few step back before his incredulous eyes landed on me again. "YOU FUCKING RAN! YOU LEFT M- US! WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT Y/N?" He bellowed before stomping up close to me again, angling his head downwards, shooting a deadly glare into my soul.

"BECAUSE I'M NOT A GOOD PERSON! OKAY? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?" I screamed in return, trying to hide the pain in my voice over forced anger. His eyes narrowed down at me, his pupils and iris's swimming in a wrath-filled void. Tears streamed down my cheeks in torrents, each one showcasing the pure, raw pain I was so desperately trying to hide. But he could see through my anger, he could see through my facade. He always could, couldn't he? "DO YOU EVEN CARE THAT YOUR ACTIONS AFFECT OTHER PEOPLE Y/N? DO YOU? DO YOU!" He barked in my face, his voice thundering around me. 

My features contorted with an agonizing mixture of anger and despair, my swollen, red eyes fixated on Ghost, filling to the brim with tears of pain. "OF COURSE I CARE!" I shouted back, my voice quivering and cracking as I screamed, my words almost inseparable between the guttural sobs shaking my body. It had been so long since I'd cried like this, screamed like this, felt hurt such as this. Not since my innocence was stolen away at my fingertips. "I DID THAT TO HELP YOU GUYS! OKAY? TO SAVE YOU ALL FROM THE HORRID PERSON THAT IS ME!" I sobbed, all of the anger leaving my voice, leaving behind nothing but tormented sadness. The swelling tears in my eyes continued to blur my vision as I clenched my fists at my sides, attempting to gain futile control. 

Ghost's eyes softened for just a second before the hatred poured into his bloodstream once again. "HELPING US? YOU ALMOST GOT SOAP KILLED! YOU- YOU ALMOST GOT KILLED!" He roared, his voice cracking ever so slightly at the end of his sentence. My eyebrows furrowed, not registering the wavering of his words, not registering his own pain embedded in every single sentence he'd yelled at me. "DO YOU THINK I WANTED THAT GHOST? DO YOU THINK I- I WANTED..." shaking my head, I couldn't even finish my thought, couldn't come to terms with what I had almost caused. My unsteady voice began to rise and fall with the ebb and flow of my anguish, a tumultuous symphony of pain. 

Ghost took another step closer, our bodies almost touching, "WHY THEN? WHY WOULD YOU? WE NEED YOU! I- I NEED YOU!" He screamed in my face, the anger in his eyes fading rapidly into desperation. Desperation for what? Why did he fucking care so much? Never ending tears found their way down the contours of my cheeks, dripping off the edge of my jaw down onto the tiled floor beneath my feet. "Nobody needs me..." I whispered, my eyes falling down to the ground, my shoulders shaking with each choked back cry begging to release itself from my lips. Softness returned to his eyes, he took a step back back from where I stood. Shaking his head, he tore his sights away from me for a few moments before returning his gaze back to my crying form once again.

"You don't know what you're doing to me, Y/n," he whispered so quietly I almost couldn't hear it. Harshly wiping the tears off my cheeks and from my eyes, I looked back up at him again, my vision darting all over his body. The body that saved me from the depths of the river, the body that saved Soap from what would've been his death, the body whose mouth screamed at me with desperation, who uttered he needed me, who told me he cared without even needing to say it. "I'm a horrible person Ghost, okay? Just... you should've killed me when you had the chance," I mumbled before biting down on my lip to stop it from quivering.

In a split second, his eyes narrowed in my direction. His feet quickly made their way up close to me once more, our bodies mere inches apart. "Never say that again," he loudly ordered, making sure to enunciate each word. "Do you understand me, Y/n? Never," he mumbled in a voice so soft it didn't even sound like it belonged to him. Even though I nodded my head, I still didn't believe it. He didn't know me, didn't know what was hidden deep in the pits of my being, who I really was. My neck lowered, my head angled down toward the floor. After a few moments, Ghost's bloodied hand lightly grasped beneath my chin, pulling my face up to meet his. 

"You deserved so much better, Y/n."