I'm scared.

I'm scared of a lot of things: not being able to move my toes, failing all my classes, the usual.

But I'm also scared of me.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm an annoying, high-pitched-voiced, hyper midget with an ability to turn friends into enemies in the blink of an eye. I'm loud, badly-behaved, perpetually screaming and just plain annoying.

I never used to be like this.

I was always the good girl. The one who'd spent an extra hour so she'd get an A***, rather than just an A**. The one who's always put her hand up. The teacher's favourite. I was quiet, and lived in the shadows. If someone else had an opinion, that was my opinion. If you knew someone I didn't then I knew them too. Yes I went to bed super late. Oh yeah, of course I loved that latest song.

She lived in the shadows of a lonely world, voice so quiet you don't hear a word, always talking but she can't be heard.
You can see her there if you catch her eye,
I know she's brave but it's trapped inside,
Scared to talk,
But she don't know why.

That was me. I guess that's why I've always loved that song. It's a reminder to be me in life, that I can speak up, shout out, be proud. That I'm beautiful in my own way. If I was to get a tattoo, it would be a quote from that song. I'd quite like one behind my ear of something short from it, even just "Little Me" as a reminder of that.

I think it was scared of disappearing, of being forgotten, of never really existing. And so, I used moving school as a fresh start. I became more sociable. I wore nicer clothes, started caring about my hair, wore makeup. I listened to the radio, and I became a person.

I couldn't tell you my favourite artist from when I was young because I didn't have one. I didn't have anything unique about me other than that I had nothing unique about me. I just blended in.

The first pop song I ever properly heard when I was old enough to properly enjoy it was Taylor Swift Blank Space in year 7. I remember it so clearly. My family listen to classical music, or at best people like Bob Dylan and Simon and Garfunkel. Don't get me wrong- I love S&G, and would happily sit and listen to Bach, but I feel pop music has just as much value, possible even more because it's making a difference. Changing the world one line at a time.

Taylor Swift's sing was such an inspiration to me I looked her up. And she became an idol. Though I'll never admit it (I will deny this whole chapter happened violently), I don't think I've heard all her songs, just because 2 years of on-off obsession hasn't been long enough to learn them all.

I still blend in sometimes. I'll lie sometimes about whether I've heard a song, of whether or not I like a band. But I'm getting better. And at least it's me lying, not just a shadow.

Problem is, it's not me.

I'm not a hyper person. Or at least I am, but only because that's what I've taught myself to be. I wanted to be louder, to be heard, and so I started to be excitable and loud and now I just can't turn it off.

Sometimes I wonder if I could turn it off; try to be me without the hyperness, but I'm scared. I want to be a good student, I want to be a nice person, but I don't want to be the old me. I don't want to be a shadow again.

I'm scared, that if you peeled off the hyperness, there'd be nothing there but dust.