[ if y'all think i'm dragging this out, please know that i'm not trying to. i'm putting this in my rant book solely because i need to let it out other than to my parents. it's hard, it's so fucking hard. you don't have to read it, i guess it's just here for me, you know? but if you wanna read it, go ahead yk ]

this past week and a half has been tremendously overwhelming. i can't sleep because if i do, I have nightmares about what happened. i've practically entirely lost my motivation to write. like, just today i unpublished joan of arc because i was so unhappy with it at the time. i don't know if i made the right decision to but who knows

deciding about when i should start driver's ed too has been a mess. like, on one hand i'm prepared but on the other i'm so fucking scared, it's literally insane. it's super scary to just think about and i assume it'll be much worse when i really do start driving. like, i already have anxiety about my dad going to work and not knowing 24/7 if he's alright, you know? on top of that, i was planning to use my last week of work for driver's ed, but of course i missed all five days of work because i literally couldn't; my body hurt so bad, and it still does

and i lowkey feel like a burden to some of my friends, offline and on. i haven't been able to hang out with my best friend because i'm scared, and it sucks. it just sucks. and i feel like a burden to my parents too, like right now it seems like i'm making them revolve around me and i feel so insanely bad. i just really don't know how to feel, like i seriously don't :( not to mention i'm pulling out every single one of my insecurities, which fucking sucks.

anyways, i had to have somewhere to put this.