The irony wasn't lost on me that Jason had just been complaining about not being to feel anything, yet he was making me feel more than I'd ever felt before in my entire life.

The feeling of his lips on mine, the sheer hunger in his kiss, the slight taste of sake leftover from his drinking, his hands all over my body, my hands tangled in his hair - all of it came together to send sensations I didn't know I could feel to unmentionable places. To say I was turned on was the understatement of the year. I had kissed a few guys in my life, brief, impassionate makeouts that meant nothing and felt like nothing. This was a whole other experience.

When we finally pulled away from each other, we were both breathing heavily. We looked at each other almost in shock over what just happened, and then I saw the hints of guilt in Jason's face.

I knew what was coming next, and I didn't want to hear it. He was just about to say the one name that could ruin this moment for me, and though he was right to remind us of it, my hormones had another plan.

"Lu-" he started before I interrupted him with my lips again. He was hesitant for a moment, then started kissing me with the same vigour as before. I had barely drank any sake, but I felt intoxicated by his mouth, his kiss, his presence.

"Come home with me," he said in between kisses. I paused. Is that what he thought was going to happen?

I put my hand against his chest and pushed him away. It started to dawn on me that this could be all this was to him - physical. That was when I started to come down from my high.

He seemed to catch on to my reaction, and quickly backtracked. "Not like that. It doesn't have to be like that," he said.

"But you want it to be like that?" I asked.

"Leils, I'm not going to lie to you. You're hot as fuck and I'm insanely attracted to you. Of course I want it to be like that. But that doesn't mean I won't respect what you want."

"Is that what it is, then?" I said, moving away further. "You being attracted to me?"

Jason let out an exasperated breath. "Yeah, I've been best friends platonically with you for years just because I think you're hot," he joked, his words slightly slurring together. "You know that's not it, Leils."

He took my hand in one of his and brushed some hair away from my face with the other. "I've wanted this for so long," he said softly. He leaned in again, slower than before. He kissed me gently this time, slow and passionate and somehow I liked this kiss even better than its predecessor.

When he pulled away he kissed my forehead gently, then rested his head atop mine for a few moments. "Oh Leils," he said. "I could sit like this with you forever."

I wanted to say the same, but I was suddenly very overwhelmed by what had just happened between us. I needed a breather to think about it and how I felt about it, and I couldn't do that with Jason's arms around me. I pulled out my phone and stealthily ordered a cab off the app.

"I have to go home," I said. "I think you should get some rest and sober up."

"Okay," Jason said quietly.

He seemed hurt by my abrupt attempt to exit, so as I pulled him up off the bench I added, "This was... nice" I said, then cringed at how cold it came out.

Jason rolled his eyes at me and put his arms around my waist again as we stood face-to-face, pulling me closer to him. "Stop trying to act like you're not dying of happiness right now. It's probably the first time any guy has looked your way, you ugly little loser."

I laughed and he caught my chin in one hand. He quickly pecked me on the lips before I could move out of his grasp and I pretended to be disgusted by it. "Ewww, I think you just gave me cooties."

"It's the best thing that'll ever happen to you," he said, then let go of my chin as the cab pulled up.

I slipped inside the back seat and Jason stumbled drunkenly after me, immediately taking my hand when he was seated. It was only then that I realized how drunk he was when he kissed me. Here I was, completely sober, and I'd let this happen. He would probably come to regret this tomorrow, and he would have a perfectly good excuse as to why this had happened. What did I have to say for myself? Did he even want this? He may have been the one to kiss me, but still, he was drunk, I should've stopped it.

I was haunted by this for the rest of the car ride, and softly brushed off Jason's attempts to hold me. He probably doesn't even know what he's doing, I thought to myself.

We dropped him off first. On his way out, he turned and faced me. "Bye, Leils," he said, then pressed his lips against my forehead softly, and stumbled his way up his driveway and to his house. Once he was safely inside, I went home.

I was ready to throw myself onto my bed and sit alone and think about what had just happened, but my mom's voice called me before I could run up the stairs.

Reluctantly, I went over to the family room to see what was up.

I found my parents and Lucas all there, and immediately went red as a tomato. Why did it seem like anytime anything happened with Jason, Lucas would be there, his presence reminding me of why it was wrong?

"Why does it look like someone just ate your lunch?" my mom asked, undoubtedly laughing at the deer-in-headlights look on my face.

"Oh, um, I don't," I said quickly, trying to deflect. "It was cold outside so my face is just red."

"I was just here for Uncle Tobias and I's football draft," Lucas explained. "How was sushi?"

If I was being honest, I couldn't even remember the food. Though it had been good, it had been by far the least memorable thing from my night.

"It was good. The restaurant is pretty cool."

My dad nodded. "Our private equity division financed it. They're actually part of a global chain of high-end sushi restaurants by the same chef. Though there's quite a bit of leverage on his business, I wonder if he's worried about that..."

"Oh god, Toby, ew," my mom groaned. "Stop talking business, I didn't even understand a single word that just came out of your mouth. Like private equity? Is that even a word?"

"No," my dad responded, smirking. "It's two."

My mom rolled her eyes at him. "Leila, why did I marry such a nerd? You should be on your knees right now thanking God you got my genes and not his."

I laughed. "I have to fight to keep the part-robot inside me hidden."

"You know," my dad said. "Almost twenty years of robot jokes and they're still not funny."

"Don't worry, girls," Lucas chimed in. "I'll program humor into his system."

My mom and I burst out laughing as my dad clutched his chest in mock betrayal. "Et tu, Lucas?"

"Sorry, Uncle Tobias. Someone has to laugh at Leila's jokes," he teased me.

I loved that Lucas could just joke around with my family like this. After all, he was family in every way but blood. My parents adored him, and he'd always had this way of fitting into our weird family dynamic in a way no one ever had before.

A small part of my brain pointed out to me that it would never be possible with Jason. My mom wasn't his biggest fan and my dad was too uptight to have with Jason the relationship they had with Lucas. If things were to progress, I would want Jason to be part of my family like this.

I shook my head at the thought. All we'd done was kiss (drunkenly, I may add) and I was already thinking about a future? I had to calm down.

Lucas and I ended up in my bedroom later, laying side by side on my bed like we usually did. He was playing with my hair absently, seeming deep in thought.

"Did Jason say anything about quitting soccer when you guys were at dinner?" he asked finally after a stretch of silence.

"Yeah, I asked him about it," I said. "He says it doesn't make him feel the way it used to."

Lucas sighed. "You can never stop worrying with Jason."

"Yeah," I agreed. Lucas definitely wasn't wrong. "But at least we can be there for him no matter what. I can't imagine what he'd do if he didn't have us."

"I hope we never find out," Lucas said softly, then sighed again. "Anyway, enough about Jason. Winter formal is next week. We're still going together, right?"

My friends and I had a system for school dances: I go with Lucas and Addy goes with Jason. That was how we'd done it since we entered high school, and that hadn't changed in all 4 years here.

Was I supposed to go with Jason now? That would just mess up the careful balance we had, the tradition we'd built. There was no way we'd be able to pull that off, regardless of who I wanted to go with.

"Of course, Lukey," I said. "I wouldn't miss a night of you looking absolutely dashing in a tux!"

Lucas laughed, then turned his head to look at me. "I would say I wouldn't miss a night of you looking absolutely beautiful, but you always look beautiful."

I looked over at him as we laid side by side. I realized how close our faces actually were to each other. If he wanted to, he could just lean in a bit and kiss me.

But he didn't. Lucas never did, despite all the opportunities for him to. He never made his move, and as the window of opportunity closed, it looked like it could be too late for him to ever try.