Sometimes I want to stay in my room and pretend nothing has changed in my life but non of that is real. life moves on with or without me.

People leave all the fucking time, hurt each other, and forget each other.

I always think it's a natural curse of life. Maybe it is. so why do we fight it so much? But when you know that someone in this world is thinking about you, wants to be with you, and thinks the world of you... makes you feel in love with her or him over and over again without ever thinking about whether they are going to leave or not. it makes you think that this world is a better place to live after all. Even when everyone is against you, it's okay. because you know there is always that one person who will never judge you or leave your side and that one person to me is my little girl, Jane.

My God's glorious gift. my strong, smart baby girl.

We have been on this journey for five years and it still feels like yesterday, like I will make this mistake million times just to have her. My partner in everything possible like her namesake. she makes me feel like I can be anything and do everything.

She knows when I need a hug and she gives me one, knows when to hold my hand to bring my raising heart down, and sees that I don't want to be in the park alone waiting for her to play with her friends to come to sit with me and tell me jokes instead, check on me every middle of the night, lay with me on my bed if she thinks that mummy isn't sounding alright and raise back to her room if she doesn't feel like staying. Since the moment I saw her tinny pretty face, it became my therapist. Five years of me and her against the world.

Our journey has been one step at a time. we have cried together, played together, and stayed in one room barely seeing three square meals, and got tired on the way, rested, but never stopped taking a step ahead.

And, because of this little girl, I will kill if I have to for her to have the good life she deserves and have what I never had.

Because of her, I am the CEO of the international women's business welfare organization (IWBWO) today. Because of her, I can proudly say, I am proud of us.

I look around me, sitting in the middle of the women who have struggled and those still struggling to get through life. Listening to their story is what also gave me hope that I'm not on this alone.

Minutes later the woman telling her story finished and everyone is clapping, I clap too. I didn't hear anything she said. I allowed my inner thought to drown me.

I glimpse to my right, I see the new pregnant girl beside me in tears. I remember how I cried on this same chair for nine months, thinking that that moment was the end of my life. but it wasn't, it was the beginning of it. the rebirth of Jeiel.

I wonder if she thinks the same. If her mother is telling her to go outside and get a job she's not ready to feed an extra human. If she has a senior brother who is promising her he will be there for her and never back out. if she drinks alcohol in five months of pregnancy just because people say alcohol kills a pregnant woman. if she has a friend like Zed that even though his parents warned him about her, grand him, start a curfew so he wouldn't leave the house. still, he snicks off his window to come to visit her with her favorite snacks and kiss her good night on her forehead. If she has a best friend like Jane who sticks with her and breaks up with her boyfriend for talking shit about her. drive her to her hospital appointment, make sure she takes her medication and eats the right food, and find a good therapist. If after all that she still thinks she's not worth living.

"Jeiel. it's your turn to share" I hear Alexander say. Alexander, the woman who saw me at my worst, clothed me and played board games with me, allowed me to cry to my satisfaction when I couldn't hold it back in front of her, and told me it's not so bad to cry sometimes. The best friend I made along my journey.

"But..."

'No, but... I'm sorry" she cut me off and gave me her signature look that completes her word "That's final" and I smile, nodding my head. She's right. I should for this young confused girl beside me.

"Sometimes. we're afraid of people passing the mike to us because we think we don't have what to say" I clear my throat, taking a long deep breath I continue. "at least that's what we tell ourselves when we don't trust we can add value; or, because people around us told us so." I look at her. she's still soaked with tears " The thing about having low self-worth is that it shows in everything. you don't dare to share your ideas and you can't share your needs. the only thing you think about is that everything is better off without your presence or input. Then you found yourself in a situation that makes it all worst that you go to bed every night and pray you never wake up the next morning. But you did anyway and cause God and hate him for that. Question people who care for you and tell them to fuck off thinking that they're your life problem for simply caring for you." My cheeks are soaked. I look down at my lap and see I have taken the girl's hand, interwebs it with mine, and placed them on my lap.

" but that's okay. I went through them all and I came out on the other side victorious. but victory is not always easy, even to think of it sometimes can be so exhausting. Sometimes look down at that tiny thing growing inside you, and imagine her tiny hand around yours tugging you towards the ice cream park. sleeping carelessly on your lap because she stupidly trusts you can protect her. You let her voice fill your ears, then in one week, she becomes the reason you are standing. She becomes the little girls voice within that whispers to you after the noise of everyone"

when I look back at her, she is robbing her stomach with one hand and smiling while her other hand is gripping mine tight. I continue " When she comes out, you wouldn't wish you were a different person, you will want to make the mistake over and over again if it means you will have her. she will make you hold the girl you were near and wouldn't let her go"  I stop for some seconds and everyone starts to clap. I pick up my bag and stand, heading to the door.

When I open the door and step outside, I see Jane and my brother playing beside my car. Mile tips her shoulder and points in my direction. When she sees me she screamed "Mummy! I walked miles coming here with uncle Mile" My brother starts tickling her and whispering something into her ear. Jane uses her chocolate hand to rope his face, giggling.

My life before now might not be perfect. I might have cried and wished that those who left would have stayed. Looked for love where I should have given, prayed for a mother who would love me, questioned God for taking the one that cared away. But looking at these two, I felt all those holes filled with beautiful futures. A future that has a beautiful family, a mother's love, an uncle's protection, and an aunty who she can call at any time, to tell a secret she couldn't tell mummy. And mostly, a future that has mummy's Best Friend.

My baby girl.

My Best Friend.

My Future.