Ready.

Most times we pretend we are ready but inside, we're not.

Like when your mom is taking you to the boy's house who bullied you in school against your will, she pulls up in his parent's parking lot and asks you "Ready" you node your head and answer her "Read" when all you want to say is "Mom, just let this go and take me home". Or when your dad's corps is laying helplessly in the church. You are dressed in all black staring at the ghost version of yourself in a mirror and your best friend walks into your room, gives you a big hug, looks into your teary eye, and asks "ready?" you nod your head yes when what you mean to say is "please go call my dad for me."

Like walking toward Jesi and Ben when all I want to do is turn around and walk out of that door and not turn back.

My dad always tells me that no one is ever ready in life, you just face every episode with everything you got. I never realized how true that was till this moment.

Zed squeeze my hand. reminding me he's here.... with me. he is always the sweet kind one, always making me wish that everyone is as nice and kind as him. Even though I ignore him most of the time and act like he never existed, he will still be nice to me. He never treats me half of the way I treat him and that makes me feel like a shitty person. I look at his face and smile.

"Relax, it will be fine" He smiles back at me. His voice is so sweet and resourceful at the same time. I want to believe him, I want to believe that I will walk out of this house in one piece but deep down it feels impossible.

We walked toward them, Ben was the first person to see us. he stands from the couch. He looks from my face to Zed's hand holding mine then to my lips. He leans close and kisses me... hard. Just like that, I forgot everything else. the worry, the insecurity, the thousand reasons why I am not good for him. This is what makes this so hard when it comes to him I can't think straight, he holds that much power in me and it scares me. He breaks the kiss and holds my checks with his two palms.

"Hey, you good," he asks. Looking into my eyes like he can see through my heart. I put my hand over his.

"yeah, I'm good" I answer him, except I'm not. he nods his head. I look to where Jane is sitting and give her the "I am going to kill you later for this" look then turn to Ben "you want a drink?"

"yes please," he answers quicker than I expected.

On my way here I promised myself that I wouldn't get drunk. but right now I don't mind breaking a little rule. that was why when the bar attendee asked me what I want, I told him an old ale. He didn't waste time before giving me. I grape the bottle by the neck, popping off the crinkled cap with my teeth. Ben stares at me blankly like he is just seeing me for the first time and I look overly familiar. blinking in confusion until it dawned on him that this is not my first time taking alcohol. He put the bottle of strong scotch he was drinking down.

"who thought you that.." he motioned to the bottle in my hand. I smile proudly.

"Mile did" The picture of my brother popping beer with his teeth in the kitchen for us makes my smile grow bigger. how he cheers to the sound like they just called him up the stage and that he won a trophy.

I look past Ben at the couple kissing. I look back at Ben's lips and then look away.

The bar attendant pulls out another bottle and hands it to Ben with an opener. I snatched the bottle from his hand and pop it open with my teeth then handed it back to him. He shook his head and took it from my hand.

We drank in silence for a while after that. Ben ends up finishing four bottles and I drank two and a half. Making friends with the bar attendant, it turns out he is in one of my classes. In between the conversation, I learned his name is Caleb and that he is gay. Studying in our school on a scholarship. Caleb is too handsome for gay. I mean, he's tall, skinny, muscular, and sexy. Displaying his muscles in the most sexist way. A guy every girl will give anything to run her hand down his Abs.

Ben decided we walk down the street to his house. As we step out of the door, my legs quiver. I hold onto Ben and bring out my phone to check if my brother texted me, I am shocked to see Zed's text instead. I click open "hoping you're okay, call if you need me" I smile at the text.

"your little boyfriend ?" I turn the phone off and put it back into my bag.

"yeah. Isn't he sweet?" I said, playing along.

"Obviously," he said sarcastically.

Before I could think of a comeback, Ben banded down and carried me bridal style. Then I was laughing ... Real hard.

The beer hit me, I was trying to convince myself earlier that I wasn't drunk, but now everything went soft. My thoughts are Sharpless, flowing, and slipping through instead of getting clogged in the endless reasons why I'm not too good for him.