BEN

Mess.

Mess, that's what I am. the guy who ruins every good thing in his life. I asked my mama one morning what my first word was, I was expecting her to say mama or papa like every normal baby but she surprisingly told me it was "Fuck". I just laughed and never asked her why or how. as I grow older, I begin to think maybe our first word can somehow affect us. What if I had said mama or papa even Jesus maybe I would have turned out to be a better human, better boyfriend, and even a better best friend.

I have the worst parent. I blame whoever I am today on them, because how will you raise a responsible child when you can't even get your shit together as a parent. sometimes I wish I was born in a poor home with good parents I don't even want perfect.

I hate my parents. I say this always and I don't care how it comes out but I do. you wouldn't judge me if your mother still run to the girl's house she heard you having sex with at age two months to twenty years. without talking to you first.

I shouldn't have allowed Jesi to sulk my dick eight hours after sleeping with Jeiel. I have loved her since the day I met her but last night made me even love her more. the sex we had was the best sex I have had yet since my history of fucking different kinds of women. but that is who I am, I make bad choices and ruin every good thing in my life.

losing Jeiel will kill me. I know I've lost her as a girlfriend but losing her as a best friend will destroy me and thinking about it will make me go insane.

When I glance around my room, it's empty, Jesi must have left without my notice. I didn't push her away today and I didn't fight her off either when Jeiel stumbled into my room. I can't keep pushing what I should have and chasing what I can't have. Jeiel is perfect for me and I wouldn't live a peaceful life if I drag her to hell with me.

when Zed bashed into my room I was surprised that he came for me straight but still wouldn't blame him. I will take the punch a million times if that will make up for what I did to Jeiel. I would have picked phone and let her know what is coming. instead, I got honey and get on my bed with another woman.

I have managed to clean up the blood and change my clothes. I grab my phone and car key from my desk. as I close my door and turn the key into a lock, I walk down the stairs past the kitchen door to the front door.

"your food is ready, young man." my mama called from the kitchen and I Ignore her and keep walking.

"And where you think you're going?" she said when I didn't respond. this time I stop and take a few steps back to the kitchen door.

She's dressed in a red button shirt and a pair of blue crazy tight jeans and high heels with makeup that looks perfect on her. sometimes I wonder if I came out of this woman or in their secret adopted child. no matter how much I hated the man that donated my spam, when I look at my mama I'm always proud of him, he invests his money well in her. My mama is an expert in masking her problem and she wears her mask so well.

You will never notice she has a broken home outside. she will tell all her friends she has the most perfect husband and son in the world of men. looking at how effortlessly beautiful she looks with a glass of wine standing beside our coffee table, I smile at her. I genuinely smiled at her for being so strong and the best actor.

"I'm fine mama, not hungry" I didn't give her a chance to reply before walking out of the kitchen down to the front door, opening it, and closing it behind me.

I unlock my car and climb inside. taking a deep breath I reach for my phone and click on the number I told myself I will never dial. looking past his numerous messages I didn't reply and clicked on the call icon. in on the ring, he picked up the call.

"is the house on fire... are you okay, Are dying in the hospital..." my papa kept rambling.

"Papa, I want to change my school, don't ask me why. just where." I tell him, we don't have time for father and son ted chat. oh, he doesn't I mean to say.

"where," He asks and I'm sure he's running his hand on his face and I'm the last person to give a fuck.

"hill cave in New York City," I tell him.

"Done. tell your mama you're leaving on Sunday"

"Thanks" with that I end the call.

I just have one job left to do before I disappear from this dreadful town. Jane. I need to tell her where I'm going and everything. I own her that much.