Life is simple, it's us that makes it hard.

Wait, who am I kidding? have you ever dreamt of sleeping with your best friend and watching it come true? well, let's not go deep about it.

Since I came back from Ben's parent's house, this afternoon, I lucked myself in my room refusing to talk to anyone. I wonder if sex shows in the face.

I have been looking at myself in the mirror trying to recall everything that happened, but the more I think about it, the more I blush. I decided to take a nap, and a nap turned into four hours of sleep. when I checked my phone it is 4:38 I flew out of bed, throwing the first cloth I sight grabbing my books to go do my homework.

My homework is just one of the things that remind me of why I hate school.

For some weird reason, all summer, I had this vision of color-coded binders and neat handwriting, highlighting my notes, and doing my homework on time. but now that the time is here, it feels like a lot. The teachers even make it, even more, worst for students. just like your first day, especially the first day of senior year. Every single teacher starts the class with a lecture about how important this year is for your future and why you must study harder than you have studied before and get into the top uni, get a good job, and work for the rest of your life and then die. okay, they didn't say the last part.

I gather my homework, headphone, and my phone. I walk through the back door to the flower house. except for my room, the flower house is another place I can think properly and do my work without being interrupted. It's where I write my book and do my thinking. I never felt like the world is falling on my head when I'm in here. I don't know why, maybe because it's my dad's favorite place and I feel he's always here waiting and looking after us. when I'm here I never let my heart think that he's not with me, I tell him my secrets like he's sitting beside me even though physically I'm all alone. when I feel close to him I like thinking that I'm part of something bigger than myself. like what's made for me out there, and I feel that if I plan and work hard, and tell him about it he will help me find my place.

My little slice of solitude is where I can breathe and it's where I don't feel alone in my loneliness. the sound of my mom entering the flower house brought me to the surface screaming my name like she just received a call that I broke a kid's nose in the school. I turn my chair so I can face her.

"MOM WHAT'S WRONG!!!" I ask, already freaking out.

"Did you seriously ask me what's wrong?" she screams in what I can only describe as anger. I have only seen my mom like this once. the day I and my brother Mile took my mom's car for a ride for a whole day two months after my dad's death. I can never forget the way my mom almost ripped our heads out when we came back home. that day was different because I know what I did and it was worth all the shouting and screaming and we were ready for the consequences. but right now is different, the woman that gave birth to me looking at me with disgust is the worst thing.

I hear Mile calling mom, walking towards us.

"Mom but I told you to tone it down" Mile gets in between us " Jeiel is eighteen for fuck sake"

I am still confused. looking at two of them blankly, waiting for someone to explain what in the world is going on.

" Does that give her the nerves to sleep with her best friend?" she pushes Mile aside "do ever think of what you're getting yourself into?"

Bens mom

Ben's mom did this. why will she do this to me? I understand that she doesn't like me that much but this is out of her way to humiliate me.

"Mile car key" I walk around my mother without saying a word to her to my brother's side. talking to my mom and trying to make my point to her right now is a total waste of time. in her head, nothing that I have to say will convince her that I'm not a whore. and anything that will get in the way of her friendship with Ben's's mom is a no to her even though is her daughter as it stands now. I can't stand my mom sometimes, like right now. I miss my daddy, he will know how to handle this, what to tell me, and how to say it.

"Are you out of your mind?" Mile screams at me.

"Mile now!!!" I shout again and he places the key in my palm.

My mom is still shouting, saying how disappointed she is in me. Mile is calling after me that I shouldn't go driving. The truth is, I haven't driven a car since I had an accident with my dad when I was sixteen that lead to his death. I still see my dad's bloodied face every time I enter a car. my dad suffered this accident till it calls for surgery that led to his death.

this is two years after. it was me who was showing him a beautiful toy a girl was holding when it happened.

Two fucking years, two fucking years of rouning my best friend's life. After him, I can't remember being genuinely happy. maybe I don't deserve happiness, maybe I'm not supposed to be here without him. maybe what happened to him should happen to me in this car, if that means I will hold his hand and listen to his silly jokes all day.

I put the car on the drive and drove off with no destination in mind.