Life is unfair.

it's hard to live.

Sometimes you want to be hard right back but what happens when it even gets harder and the only choice you have is to shield your heart because that's the only thing that still keeps you alive?

My dad always told me to never let them see me cry, "If you think you can't hold it back any longer get into your room and do it. when you're done, clean your face and keep it straight. they can't break who they don't know" Since he died, that was among the parts of me that followed him to the grave.

Now I'm back in my room where the darkness leaves with overwhelming pain and unending numbness. I love Ben but the one thing I didn't let myself figure out is whether is a deep love of friendship and I misused it.

They said if the person you love holds you, you feel so giddy, and love sticks. I don't know if I felt those things. it has been sexual tension between us. I blame myself for following my head and now I'm back in this room, on this bed. when I'm on this bed all feelings are like unfamiliar friends for me. I remember all the bad and the darkest bass, you're really in it and everything is who you are. then when you look outside, the ones that love you will think you're here with them but you're not. when you show up you cover the darkest part of you pretending and smiling like everything is unbelievably fine.

I tried to be hard right back at life, shield myself so it doesn't break me but since yesterday evening when Jane told me Ben left the town with no text or even to show his face, I failed miserably. I can't believe he will change schools in his senior year just because of me.

I stayed in my room for one week before I got the courage to step outside of my room and want to school. These two weeks of going to school have been the worst weeks of my life although it has been a lot more of going to school and getting back home to my bed. Everywhere in school reminds me of him and that makes it even harder. I have now grown to learn that it's best to be hard.

"I can't handle another boy breaking my daughter's heart" I hear my mom's voice. For a second I thought it is Ben she was talking to. I hurry out of my bed to go open my door. that's when I hear the voice of the second person.

"Trust me ma'am I wouldn't think of hurting her" Zed. Zed is in my house talking with my mom about me.

I turn around to go lay back in my bed then it hit me. I can't remember when I eat food last. I ignore my mom if she's trying to talk me into eating and scream at my brother if he brings anything even snacks to me. my brother gave up and my mom stopped trying yesterday. my head is spinning, my eyes are barely staying open, and my whole body is shaking. I sit down on the floor.

"I just can't handle seeing her like this..." I can hear it in her voice that she's crying. "I wish her father don't have to die, I wish he thought me what to do and how to be her best friend before he left" she continues "that I can't help her at this point makes me think I have failed" she subs. tears run down my cheeks, sometimes I wish my mom is my Best friend too. not just the woman that gave birth to me.

"No. you didn't fail her ma'am. she loves you just the same as she loves her dad" Zed says and I wonder if my mom believed this. I love my dad more than anyone on this earth and my mom knows that.

"When I found out I was pregnant with her, I told my husband I don't want the baby but he insist that we keep the baby. I fought him, I told his closest friend and his mother to talk to him still, but he insisted I keep his child. Mile was so small, he just turned six months, and I'm six weeks gone." she pursed for some seconds and continues. "I was so concerned about what people will think of me. a woman who can't keep it under her pantie that I didn't think of tiny blood that's forming in my womb. after the whispering from the neighbors and some friends leaving me behind, When she finally came out of me, I abandoned her with her father because he was the one that wanted the baby and focused on Mile. I left the job for him and he did it so well and now it's hard to get my little girl back." she pursed again and I hear her take a sharp breath. "it kills me every time I want to knock at that door and hear her crying. anytime I her whispering to herself why her dad has to leave and how much she misses him." my mom says. the tears running down my cheeks wouldn't stop. I have cried till I don't have it in me to cry anymore. now it's the tears that are just flowing. this is too much for one evening.

"Even up till now, I'm still doing the same" my mom continues. I want to scream for her to stop, I want to block my ears so I wouldn't have to hear them but my body wouldn't move even when I try. "putting what other people say and what there will think before my daughter and that's what put her back in that room that took me months to bring her out and now I can't do anything to fix it" She is crying hard. I want to go out there and hug her, tell her that she hasn't lost me that I'm still here. but that will be very wrong of me because it is a lie. I'm tired of laying and being lied to. I can't even remember if she ever had me.

"I will do my best to get your little girl back to you ma'am" Zed resource her.

"thank you... I'm sorry for putting all this on you," my mom says.

"No worries ma'am"

"You can call me Mrs. Styles," My mom says louder than I know Zed is now on his way to my room. I try standing up to pretend I didn't hear all of that but my body wouldn't corporate with me so I lay back on the floor and let the tears flow some more.