Okay...

It wasn't okay.

It wasn't fucking okay.

When I told Ben to take me to his house, I thought I was in my right senses but halfway through the ride I realized I  wasn't. As he leads me out of the movie theater to his car, I was getting myself prepared for numerous questions that will follow but surprisingly, he did not say a word to me just a few glimpses at me and then focus on the road. I let the silence settle between us as the radio in his car hum Justin Bieber's song. It was comfortable. The silence. Always has been with him.

When I glanced at his face, I saw the fear in his eyes. Like it was at the movie theater when he asked me if I believed he did not tell Jesi he fucked me. He thought I was going to lash out and scream at him or curse scene in-between the conversation. What I don't have strength for.

I watched how he relaxed when I allowed the conversation to flow peacefully.

No need the cry over spilled milk, Right?
My dad would have told me that.

When we stepped into his parent's house, I was grateful that Ben's mom was not at home. What should I have done? Turn around and tell him goodbye? Or face the awkwardness of his mother being around.

When I entered his room, the memory of what happened the last time I was there hit me.

The kissing

Ben told me I'm the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Then told me that I forced myself on him afterward.

Standing beside this reading desk and looking at that same boy sitting on his bed in front of me makes me want to run.

As I recall the memory and Ben's word "hardly " repeat in my head over and over, all I want to do is open this damn door and run as fast as possible and never see him again but I can't because I have to do this especially now that I know he feels the same way I feel about him.

the wait can be so exhausting.

Especially when you can't pursue what you are waiting for and you don't even have a clue about when it will come to you. Whether it's ten years, or twenty years later.

I have loved this boy for so long that I  thought the feeling would have wiped away but it didn't. The problem is, how will you switch from being a best friend to wanting more? A feeling you can't talk about and you have no choice but to live with it, go to bed every night with it, some nights angry at yourself for being human or depressed even.

I wouldn't do that to myself anymore. To be honest, no one should. I will take this one step and not think about what will happen after and wait to face it when it comes.

"Are you going to stand there and stare at me forever?" Ben said, I shake my head.

"Nope... Sorry,"  I place my purse on the table and make my way toward him and sit down beside him on his bed.

"So..."

"What took you so long? Ben," I said interrupting him. He looks at me, takes a deep breath, and rubs the palm of his hand on his face.

"I was scared you will reject me at first, then I thought of our friendship. If I ask you out and you reject me, it will make things awkward and that will ruin our friendship which I don't ever want to happen,"  he said and turn to face me.

I didn't answer. He is right, I was scared of that too. I don't even want to think about what the pain of losing him as a best friend will feel like.

"We can change that. Overcome the fear of the present and face the future together ... If you want ... I mean." I tell him.

"What do you want from me Jeiel?" Ben asks bringing his hand to my face.

"Anything I can get" I answer him honestly

"what do you want Jeiel Styles ?" He asks again.

That's a little line between sincerity and honesty. For me that line is boldness. With Ben, I have been running miles to cross this line, sometimes I get tired on the way, turn around, and cling to the one I have firmly which is honesty. Mostly because I thought if I'm truly sincere with him, he will hold me to it and think I'm some desperate bitch. So because of that, I stayed in my lane.

To be sincere, I don't want anything I can get. I want everything. I want all of it. I want him. Maybe he can hold my hand and help me jump this line, two of us. If I can even stretch my hand, he can take it willingly.

I look into his eyes and answer sincerely, " I want you"  he smiles and bends down to kiss me.

As he bring his lips to kiss mine, the test of mint in his mouth when he slide his tongue into my mouth, the way my body responded to his every touch, the way he guided me to lay on his bed, kissing me slowly like he's savoring the moment. Then I realized that this is what I have ever wanted. kissing him every day. I don't care about the title, all I ever want Is him.

I bring my hand to undo his pant but he stops me and murmurs "not yet"

I said that this wasn't okay. It was a bad idea. I am just good at daydreaming and painting a beautiful picture of what I want my dream to look like forgetting that some dreams can be a nightmare.

This is all my fault. I always allow myself to be used many times and still not learn my life lessons because I follow my brain without question.

I try to push Ben off me but he pined me back
"Nope, you're not going anywhere ." He says firmly.

"Let me go, Benjamin" I whine. He did like he is shocked that I used his full name but I don't give a fuck. He can't seriously think I will pretend that I wasn't humiliated and stay here with him.

I started kicking my legs and fighting but he seems not to budge.

"Can you stop and let me explain?"  he says.

"Explain what exactly. Why do you pretend in one minute, telling me how you have feelings for me and reject me in another?  So the answer is no, I wouldn't stop because I'm sick and tired of you" I shake my head " I am tired of this. Tired of waiting, tired of throwing myself at you and getting rejected " the tears have gathered when I couldn't hold it back anymore I let it fall.

Everything always falls no matter how hard I tried to hold it together.

"Please let me explain "

"I don't want to hear it" I kick my legs harder this time.

"No matter how bad you want me to fuck you now on this bed, I want it more than you do. But I can't. You're not ready Jeiel and I can't take this away from you because you will regret it and might not forgive me" Ben says with a voice I never hear him talk with since I've known him.

"You can't decide whether I'm ready or not. It's only me who can make that decision " I tell him.

"But I can do this" he brings his lips to mine, kissing me deeply again. All the anger, the tears, and the regrets. He kissed them all away.

Slowly.