M A N I K

As she watched the sun set, studying the sky as it faded from orange to coral and pink to lavender, I was studying her. Her big brown eyes, her soft pink lips, her perfect supple skin. I watched her gingerly, astonished to have found someone more beautiful than the sunset.

"Ten minutes more and the sunset shot will be ready." The set designer informed me while my eyes were still on her face which was oblivious.

Inattentively, I nodded vaguely watching how her brown eyes were no longer brown under the touch of exquisite pinks and burning oranges. The colours started melting in her eyes in golden rays, circling an eclipse. Violet glazed-maroon tinged, all the colors of enamorment pirouetting across the cotton candy sky brought an ethereal glow to her pale face. Her expression was hollow with eyes that shone no more but I could tell, the sight was aesthetically pleasing to her tired vision.

"She's gorgeous, isn't she?" Someone whispered softly in my ear and like I mentioned, being vague, I kept observing her cherry blossoms like lips being poked and tingled by the strands flying on her face and how unmindfully, she was budging them away.

Faster than a falling star, a soft smile curved my lips. Sketchily, I began to nod my head until my eyes fell on Aryaman's crooked smile and turned ice cold.

"Stop being a creep for a change." My face probably was harder than a drying cement.

"Forever guilty!" Raising hands in surrender, he chuckled testing my patience. "It's just you know, I never ever saw you looking at a girl like that."

"What on earth do you mean?" I had no intention of getting down from the bonnet of this jeep they were using for shooting and move away just because this mental wouldn't stop bullshitting me.

"No offence but this look, you know..." His index finger swayed between my eyes. "This..lust-free stuff. Screaming something...I don't know, maybe, platonic?"

Reading him with frequent blinking, I kept my unreadable eyes on him. "Disappointment comes in many shapes and sizes and mine comes when you open that mouth." My index finger circled over his lips. "Get your mouth to do something interesting sometimes, you know."

Exhaling deeply, he hooked his left shoe to the bumper bracket above the numberplate, bending his spinal cord. "Behind this sturdiness, there is some softness when you watch her move around and even for a minute, some magic dances in you and you just forget that you are the cause for her fire."

Infected with an instant emptiness, my eyes slowly crawled towards the way where unaware of the technicians quarrelling behind her, Murthy was drinking in the soft rays of the bidding sun keeping those brown eyes closed.

"...I am." Palely, I smiled and nodded my head to myself.

Aryaman wasn't wholly incorrect though. It had been five days since she started working with this douchebag and it didn't matter how I threw the challenge towards Aryaman to drive her away when the reality was something else. I didn't want to hurt her anymore than I already did. Truly speaking, I tried doing a couple of things to her in these five days like, make her stand the whole day under the Sun, cause her a great deal of embarrassment before everyone, tricking her into coming to a shut down film studio at four in the morning when the actual call time was at eight in the evening, or, manoeuvring to make a joke out of her before people but any of that neither helped me get a reaction out of her dead features nor it brought me the satisfaction. I tried being way too hard on her but it got me nowhere. So, I gave up. I decided to let her be on her own, work wherever she wanted, be with anyone she liked.

But there was this only one difficulty when I was sober. Her eyes. Those damn eyes. Even though she never took an initiative to make a single eye contact with me, yet in those eyes I saw reflections of the night I tried moving on from everyday. Her eyes resembled her father's and I wondered how could they be so similar. Every damn time, by mistake, I would look into her eyes, it would remind me of how I treated her father that night. With her sticking around acted as a constant reminder of what I did behind her back. I guess if she were gone, things would have been easy but this constant torture was reaping a seed of guilt in my chest knowing one day it would grow into a big giant tree rooting deep in my veins. My conscience which I didn't know ever existed poked that even though we never were together yet it felt like I cheated on her. Crazy, I know.

The grey chiffon scarf around her neck shivered under the breeze; her eyes still and lifeless and I had this strange feeling that she was no more the same Nandini Murthy. It was hard to put into words but these days she cared for nothing in this world. She would remain on her own, do her own thing as indifferently as one could, tried and maintained a minimal interaction with everyone save and except me because to her, I probably ceased to exist.

Suddenly, the look in her eyes changed as if someone blew raspberries in her chest when a small bouquet of baby pink and purple jasmine flowers moved underneath her nose with two strong arms moving around her neck. Her winter lips curved in a summer smile and my eyes followed her stunned gaze to witness that lawyer boy getting her cold features warm. The sight was nothing new because these few days, he would always make himself available for her whether to pick her up after shoot, make quick short calls or drop by for a surprise visit. And, every time I would silently watch her giving into him. Unlike rest of the times, she would smile. She would react and I didn't do anything to protest much because I wanted her to smile even though that was for someone else.

From this distance, it was hard to make out what they possibly could be talking about when she sniffed the flowers and he smiled deeper watching her adore his present. Everyone on the set used to call them goals but I didn't know what it was about them that I could never get myself to imagine her having those soft arms around him. I couldn't imagine her going home to him or falling asleep in his arms. Maybe, because I always considered this guy far less deserving when it came to her for she was precious and to put it that way, there was no one on earth who deserved her. But like every damn time, I would just bite my tongue, hold my breath and see her fall for him a little more.

A R Y A M A N

The veins around my neck tightened as my eyes followed Manik's and landed on Randhir and Nandini who were talking and smiling. I didn't know if I could make it seem any less creepy but my disgust seeing them was ten notches higher than Manik's supposed one. My vision flickered between how Manik's eyes like a lost child watched them and how Randhir was putting smile on her face.

Walking up to Manik who was sitting on the bonnet, I clenched my jaws. "Why don't you go and stop this idiot?"

Dashing a peppermint gum in his mouth, he moved his eyes wrapped in confusion to me. "Why would I? It's your set. Go stop them if you have to."

Narrowing my eyebrows, I scanned his body language which somewhat was disturbed and telling me that he was trying to put a leash on his demons and pick up the sane instructions of his head by not doing anything he might regret later. Or, as if, he was exhausted of going berserk.

"I apologise for having expectations out of a wrong guy." Flattening my lips in a straight line, I scowled.

"As always." Shaking the bottle of his protein shake, he took a sip.

Shaking my head in disbelief, I advanced towards the smiling pair repeating things in my head to not become Manik Malhotra myself.

"You really didn't have to." She smiled caressing the soft touch of those petals.

"And, I thought you like surprises." He sighed dramatically.

"I do...but you know, it doesn't look nice. You stopping by my work everyday.. I mean, it kind of sends a wrong signal to people though I really appreciate all the little things you are doing to make my survival here liveable. I really do appreciate it, you must know." Her nervous fingers startled fiddling with the transparent wrapper around the stems.

"If this makes you happy then who can stop me?" Two fingers of him pinched her bubbly cheek but his reply made me scoff.

"I can." Their eyes darted to me standing a hand away. She lowered her eyes while he frowned softly. "After all, I boss around this place. And Nandini, my dear..." her nails quickly started digging into the plastic wrapper in nervousness. "You know, I have been meaning to tell you one thing since past few days. Dear, no one really cares what you do once your shift is over but here, at this place, I would really appreciate if my assistant keeps her private and professional life separate and becomes a little more professional."

Clumsily, she tucked strands behind her ear looking at the ground. Heck, I knew how important was this job to her. "I-I'm sorry, Aryaman. I'll..just-get back to work." Nodding my head, I gave her the space to move away finding Randhir shake his head with that ridiculous smug smile.

"I know who you are doing this for, Aryaman but it's not worth it, trust me." His eyes darted behind me at a distance to Manik who weirdly frowned finding both of us glance over him together.

"You know what, Randhir.." I took a couple of steps to reach near him, close enough to whisper. "You and I had been friends a very very long time ago. So, stop pretending like I'm having no idea what you're trying to do here."

"You are confused, Aryaman." Smirking, with his index finger he pushed my chest to take a step back. "Maybe because this is not you speaking but the protective side of a brother."

Smirking, I guided his finger off my body. "I don't have control over your tongue so say what you want to say but I want you to stop whatever you're planning to pull off."

"What am I doing, Aryaman?" Irritated, he shrugged. "I'm trying to put a smile on a girl's face who is living like a broken toy of your evil brother. I'm trying to fix what he has broken."

"Ouch, the intensity..." I hissed rubbing my heart.

He scowled. "Aryaman, since you mentioned that we had been friends a very very long time ago, even I know what you are up to. You are going to use this girl to get back at your brother but you know well who's gonna lose everything in this process. Nandini. Because, you won't blink once before sacrificing her in this game."

I chuckled. "Sacrifice, heh? Dude, you make me sound like an occult." Sniffing, I wiped my lips. "Anyway, let's make it straight. You do your thing, I do mine but keep in mind that this time I'll give my everything to stop the history from repeating itself. I'll go to any end if I have to."

Frowning, he inhaled. "Don't forget the things he has done to you."

A smirk played at the corner of my mouth. "Who said I ever have? Neither did I forget what he has done to me nor the things you did to me and trust me when I say with full sincerity that I'm not forgetting what I'm gonna do to both of you. So, consider it as a naked yet gentle threat and stay away from her."

Taking a step back, he pressed his lips digging hands deep in pockets of his trousers. "Consider me nakedly yet gently threatened." Giving a salute, he turned around walking towards his car and suddenly I had this urge of becoming Manik and stabbing this motherfucker myself.

M A N I K

Ducking my neck, I was unable to get a hint of their conversation from this afar. What could they be talking about that intensely?

"What are they talking about?" Disturbed, I murmured under breath.

"Shall I go and eavesdrop?" Abhimanyu raised an eyebrow.

"Shut the hell up and stand here. You always end up dragging me in troubles with you." He was about to make a quick protest but staying mum seemed safer to him

Gritting my teeth as I turned my gaze, it fell on a very anxious Murthy who was standing in a corner trying to follow the instructions given by the creative director.

What could Aryaman possibly tell her to make her face fall from that of a graceful bride to a mourning widow? Everything in me kept on urging to let her be on her own because that would probably again start hitting my compunction but how could I when it was evident that Aryaman's words shuddered her.

So I did what felt right. Maybe, I was going to make everything worse again but who cared because I was already following her footsteps towards the costumes' vanity. My chest felt like it was suffocating me and mouth couldn't get itself to convey an expression when with that same hollow look on her face, she turned around finding me silently follow her. Never in my life did I feel this stupid for not being able to justify my action. Hell, when have I ever followed a girl in my life? Until you, Murthy. And, I didn't know if it was a good or bad thing.

Tugging the edge of her scarf, she moved around and so I had to work my legs faster in order to stand in her pathway like a mountain.

"Did he scold you?" My eyes travelled over her narrow shoulders and trembling lips and the pair of eyes which refused to look at me.

Stepping aside as she tried to make a move, I leaned my body sideways blocking that option for her. "Did he insult you anyhow?"

Who was I kidding? Being her ex obnoxious boss I did that a bazillion times and I didn't know what pricked me more now that she no more was under my control or someone else now had that right to scold her. I thought, that was exclusively mine but maybe, who knows, I thought wrong.

Biting her lower lip, she made her body to relax and return back to the location but I know it surely made no sense when I held her thin wrist causing a hitch to my own breath at the tenderness of her skin. "It's been five days, Murthy. Five days, you have been ignoring me. Five days, you refused to look at me. Five days, you don't give a damn about me."

I didn't know what was the expression on her face because all I saw was her back sinking and tightening. It felt, my fingers which were softly caressing her wrist touched her skin no more because it was going as spiritual as feeling the blood flowing under her skin.

"I have to go." Came her sharp answer and I shook my head even though I knew she couldn't see it.

"Do you?" Gingerly, maintaining my hold around her wrist, I kept my focus at the back of her head.

Turning on her heels, her eyes were that of a judgmental stranger but at least she looked my way. "I'm not paid for things like this."

Disobediently, I interlaced my fingers with hers and for a second, I swear to have seen something flash in her eyes watching hard how perfectly my fingers were filling the gaps of hers but then she blinked and her emotions were gone.

"So, everything has come down to money now, heh?" My piercing gaze landed on her.

"Some of the best habits I adapted from you." Her lips softened in an obscure smile.

Hardening my eyes, I nodded slowly. "That lover boy...you seem to be quite whipped."

"I don't know about that.. but I can trust him with my life. But, before anything else, we are best friends for life." Feeling my grip loosen, she slipped her wrist out but I could say her skin felt tingly from my touch.

"Best friends?" Sniggering, I had creases beside my eyes. "Haven't we heard that shit before in life?"

Looking down at her feet, she shook her head in disappointment. "You won't get it. I don't blame you for not understanding my relationship with him."

Saying softly, just as she was about to take a step away from me, a squeal escaped her lips as she felt her back to be pinned to the body of the vanity.

"Is it necessary for you to hurt my ego every time we talk?" My patience was on this thin line.

She was calm and polite. "I'm sorry to have caused any sort of disrespect to your huge ego, Sir. Trust me, it was done unconsciously. Or, maybe because.. you have always considered your ego bigger than anything on earth."

My chest collided against hers; breaths mingled. "I can't fucking become that lover boy and promise you a galaxy full of stars if that's what you are mad at me for. I can't ever be like that moron."

Looking straight in my eyes, she smirked softly. "Who says you ever can be like him? It's not easy."

Piqued, I grabbed her wrist and nudged her closer to my body. "What is your problem? I just came here to have a word like two rational adults-"

"Why did you?" She interrupted sternly. "I can't imagine you wasting your precious time on a forgotten toy like me. I don't deserve so much of your attention, Sir. So, take a little piece of my advice, if you think you should and, play with your new shiny toys and make sure their self respect is smaller than your ego."

"Why are you being this difficult?" Just as I was about to grab her lean shoulder, some girl from behind came calling her name and I distanced us instantaneously. My face was getting redder as I noticed Murthy obeying and leaving just like that.

Although I stood there squinting my eyes watching her go away from me yet I couldn't wrap my head around all her words. Trust him with her life? Him? Wasn't that supposed to be me? No, but I break her every time so that shouldn't be me either. And, why the hell did she say I won't understand their relationship? What could she mean by the term 'relationship'? Did she just now accept that she's in a relationship? How could she walk away leaving me behind like a forgotten message in her draft?

"For the first time in life, I'm getting to see a girl who makes you fight for her attention." Groaning, I closed my eyes hearing Aryaman's irritating voice nearing me.

"No dude, seriously. She doesn't give two fucks about you." Over-smartly, he rested his elbow on my shoulder.

"Thanks." With a shrug, I caused a disbalance to him.

"Anyway, as you saw-"

"Are you seriously the director of this movie?" I questioned and he raised an eyebrow. "Because I never see you discuss anything with me regarding the project. All you do is observe Ms.Murthy and me and if you save yourself some time doing that, then you come and taunt me."

He softened his gaze and hitting his chest like an arrow. "Aw, I love you too."

"Why am I still standing here?" Yet, I still stood there.

"Anyway, I wanted to say there's not going to be any late night call time for you tonight. You have a holiday!" He announced like that could cure scarcity of water in Africa.

"How kind of you." Meaning no politeness, I stated with a straight face. "Why though, if I may ask?"

"I can choose not to answer any of your questions but who cares. I'm attending this party tonight and it would really be late. I could invite you there but you know, Nandini is already going as my plus one." He curled his lower lip in a utterly fake sadness.

"And, I care because.....?" Raising an eyebrow, I gave him a whatever look.

"Come on, I'm just saying. I thought you are also invited to Dewan's party, so you know..." He shrugged but it seemed to have struck lightning on me.

"Dewan? As in, Harsh Dewan?" Widening my eyes as I questioned, he shrugged casually. "Are you fucking mental? You know what kind of man that bastard and his circle are and yet you are taking a girl like Murthy to that sort of a cheap party? Have you lost it?"

"Relax." He cooed gesturing his hands for me to cool off. "It's just a party. Nandini is a big girl enough to be able to take care of herself. So, stop overreacting."

"Are you hearing yourself?" I swatted his arm as he again began gesturing me to calm down. "Because of them, the entire industry is defamed. They are like..the rotten pieces of mankind and you are taking Murthy there? What kind of fucked up idea is that and why are you even friends with butt-plugs like those?"

"Just calm down for a minute-"

"Calm down, my foot!" I was this close to pushing him down to the ground.

"Oh God, you are so hyper! I asked Nandini this morning, okay? And, if she is fine with it then why the heck are you acting like her protective brother?" He scowled pushing my hands as I was about to grab his collar.

"Because she's an idiot." Fighting for dominance, I was ready to bring a war of words.

"God, you are so annoying!" Rubbing his ears, as he tried turning back, I forced him stand still.

"I don't understand why would she ever go with you? I mean, she's your assistant only. Not an escort." Seeing me huff, he chuckled pointing a finger at me.

"Are you seriously asking me this? You? The man who carries his assistant everywhere like Vikram and Betal? Moreover, when she was just an employee of yours, I remember you used to bring her with you to parties. So, why this discrimination now?" He shrugged like I was an idiot.

"Because I have the capacity to protect her in any adverse moment." Wasting no time, I miffed. Then my subconscious mind asked me 'Really Manik?'.

"So can I." He replied instantly. "However, Randhir will be careful." And, with the mention of that name, my creased eyebrows flattened. "She has him to worry for her and being a good boyfriend, he is going to pick and drop her, I'm sure. And, if necessary, he will give her company as well." He breathed heavily fixing his hair.

"But she's your plus one already.." I tried making sense of what little remained.

"He-he can be plus one's plus one. God, just stop it now and do touch up for your shot." Exhaling a breath, he studied me from head to toe.

Honestly, it would make no sense if I chose to smother Aryaman right now for mentioning Randhir because if he was her boyfriend then I had no entitlement whatsoever to be protective for her because that right now belonged to someone else. Yet, giving up was hard.

"I can come too. I'm sure Dewan and his wanker friends won't mind having Manik Malhotra in the house. After all, I'm gonna add that missing touch of class, of course." Inserting hand in my pocket, I smirked which soon started fading out as he smirked deeper.

"You can't and you know why? Because in that party there are going to be drugs..weeds..alcohols and all those things which you are banned from touching. So, you won't come because if Dad gets to know about this which I'm sure he will, you, my brother are going to lose everything in hand given by him and you don't want that." A cruel sneer formed on his smooth face and he leaned forward, eyes bearing straight into mine.

Stiffening my gaze hard as rock, I nodded slowly. "I understand it now. I understand it all."

"Good." His face brightened, many tones lighter than my own crimson. "Let's shoot, shall we?"

Rage filled my belly. The anger churned within my system, hungry for destruction. And, the pressure of this raging sea, I knew, was going to make me say things I didn't want to at the moment so running hand over my crimson face, I bit back the desperate urge to hit him violently.

❃      ❃

Thick white make-up was cracked over the jagged, cable-like scars that twisted from his mouth corners towards his ears. His demented eyes twinkled with sadistical glee as the joker pulled the hand leaving the screen with rainfall and painful screams of the kid. My ears did hurt. Twitching muscles beside my eyes, I turned the television off tossing the remote control away somewhere.

Weirdness is what I felt. Sitting on the couch on different ends, trudging inside the room, switching applications on my phone - all seemed messy. As my hand reached for a glass of water, my mouth groaned finding it empty. Glancing over the clock which ticked eight-thirty, I grabbed my phone stepping down the stairs to get me some water. Dad wasn't home since yesterday and I was thankful for that. Who would want an untrained inexperienced psychologist in life? Aryaman was probably in his room and I could care less.

Pulling out a bottle of water from refrigerator, I was debating whether I should get a coffee when suddenly the bell rang. As I was moving towards the door, one staff proposed to open it himself but I gestured him to manage myself. In a high-fi apartment where stars and illustrious industrialists lived on every floor, one should never doubt the security system. Pressing the code as I held the door ajar, my body ached not being able to find a right word or expression.

My broadened eyes moved up and down the body wrapped in a wine coloured silken dress before my eyes and my mouth was close enough to whisper a 'woa' until I bit it hard to put a leash on my vocal cord. I just couldn't figure out why in spite of laying my hands on the sexiest of bodies, my heart was beating so damn fast seeing Murthy when in fact, her eyes were that of a stranger. I could say she didn't pay any importance to the way she was preparing herself for the night but in spite of all the flaws in her makeup and accessories, she still looked gorgeous like I never saw before. Suddenly her exposed arms seemed too soft to my touch, like it could get her a tear anytime. Her soft dark waves reaching the middle of her waist, seemed like soft twirls of clouds in which I wanted to have my fingers tangled. Her strawberry lips could feel like a delight had I just brushed my thumb over. She seemed everything but real. And, it felt like every inch of her skin, her careless beauty was attentively carved for my sake. Unmindfully, the bottle I was holding slipped but it actually didn't drop on the floor. Turning my head, I could see it safely landed in Aryaman's palm who was little bent.

A sigh fell out of my mouth as I saw him straightening himself and then it all crashed and burned when I saw his party outfit and realised, maybe, all her careless beauty and attentive carvings weren't for my sake. Maybe, once I had the chance. Maybe, I lost it. Maybe, it's whatever.

"Careful there." Passing me the bottle, he smiled little too crookedly. "It could shatter into pieces."

"It's just a bottle. Not my heart." I murmured very slowly glancing over her once.

He smirked. "Your expression said no different."

"It's made of plastic." I glared softly not knowing why couldn't I get the harshness in my tone.

"So is your heart." He added quickly. Ugh.

When I laid my eyes on her, she seemed too indifferent to this everyday thing between us brothers. Her eyes were on her wristlet as her other hand was twirling it not wanting to stand here.

"Anyway, hi Nandini!" I had to take a step back as he suddenly hugged her getting the girl off-guard. Something scratched my chest as my eyes died to see if she reciprocated the hug and I don't know whether to call it pleasing or disturbing when she lifted her right palm only to pat his back once.

"My god, look at you!" Holding her hands in his, he praised her like he meant everything.

Smiling with difficulty, not once did she meet my curious eyes the entire time. "Shall we go?"

And my heart dropped.

I wanted to stop her but with what right? When it came to swines like Dewans, I swore to never have trusted in the manliness of Aryaman. He couldn't protect her and she wouldn't let me.

"Oh yes, of course." That idiot man pointed his mischievous eyes at me. "Can't wait, you know."

"This party is going to be shit because the host is." Unable to control my tongue, I oozed the words out before realising.

"Don't be mean just because you aren't invited." Rechecking the button on his wrist, he tapped the middle of his palm over his spiked hair which resembled that of an electric shock advertisement.

"Heck, I don't want to be invited in a party like this." Irritated, I darted my eyes from him to her who was looking at the floor. God!

"And, that's my cue to take the girl away. Adios." Waving at me, he leaned over her side asking for her hand to hook around his elbow and I breathed out hard abusing this idiot man ten thousand times in my mind when reluctantly she obeyed.

"Oh, one important thing." Turning his neck, having her next to him, he pushed a little gadget in my hand and I scowled at it.

"An iPod? Seriously?" Shaking it in the air, I glowered.

"I have put in my party music library there. Come on, you shouldn't feel left out." Winking and chuckling, he caressed her hand around his skin and left enjoying every bit of the situation.

I wanted to drag them back inside the door. I wanted to unhook their arms. I wanted to scream and tell her that she was risking everything over again. I wanted to tell her that she's an idiot. I wanted to shout in his ears that he's an imbecile and that he had sinful fashion sense. But I didn't do a thing. I couldn't. So, all I did was close the door.

It's been an hour that those two morons were gone tangling arm in arm but the sight felt like it happened a second back. Pressing my nape, I blew a hiss out. Killing time had never been this difficult and it sufficiently felt like a house arrest. That faggot knew I could never break Dad's newfound confidence in me and risk losing everything and he played it damn right. I couldn't ever go to the party nor could I sit back and relax. So, to waste time, I decided to shave.

Hiding my wet face in the towel as I was walking out of the washroom, I stumbled on the rugged carpet and cursed instantly. As I was studying my face in the mirror, my breath tied knots for worse few seconds as I saw an accidental reflection of Murthy smiling in my brother's arms. Their eyes were locked. She was happy. They were happy. Choked, I wheeled back to find the spot empty and didn't dare to turn and see myself in the mirror again.

For once I thought if I should just distract myself with a woman but I knew even if I was laying next to someone else, touching her skin, in a situation like this, my mind would still be thinking of Nandini Goddamn Murthy. Why couldn't I settle down? Why couldn't I fucking be myself? All the time I would pop a soda can or eat chips or mistakenly scatter them on the table, my mind would always be on the idea if somebody was doing any harm to her right now. If somebody was touching her skin and cowardly enough I wanted to know, if she liked that. Oh, I was losing my mind.

"God, help me. Why am I being this stupid?" Jogging down the stairs coming to the massive living room, my hand once landed on the doorknob but my selfishness immediately forced it to withdraw. Balling the same palm in a fist, I punched the closed door when a panicked house staff popped his head out of somewhere. I had to lie and say it's all good when clearly it wasn't because every minute of mine was now accounted to Dad by these motherfuckers. God, why did it start to feel like boarding school all over again?

My head snapped to the closed window when I heard the thunder roar. In a flash of lightning, the entire power of the apartment was gone and I stood in darkness watching the flashes of electric white light entering through the white glass. The staffs sprinted somewhere to get the electricity back but it somehow felt like, darkness, my old friend came to accompany me when everyone else was gone.

Walking up to the window, I unbolted it open. The steady and soft drops of rain started washing the view around, humble to its role, painting a new picture under the glowing street lamps. I wondered if she was watching the rain fall from the velvety sky like me or if she was too busy to notice. What if the rain was touching her skin or what if the wind was blowing her curls? Was she tucking them behind her ears? Or, was she letting someone else do it?

Since childhood I wondered what colour was the rainfall of and when grew a bit older, realised it only was either black or white. Just like me and her.

In a lonely apartment where a single thunder echoed for many seconds, standing there undisturbed, I pulled a bottle of scotch from the alcohol cabinet. My tongue flickered to have the richness of the liquid. The first sip felt out of this world and the steady pattering of raindrops falling upon the window just enhanced the sacredness of the moment. In another flash, my eyes found the forgotten iPod that idiot left me which was now halfway off the couch and holding the bottle in one hand, slowly I walked and sat on it scrolling up and down the music library.

A pale smirk came on my lips and sluggishly, my mouth kissed the drink. "That rascal stored all sorts of cheesy romantic songs in it."

Pressing the side button to lock the screen, I turned the radio on. In a so called modern life like this, how many of us get to listen to the radio when at home? It was moreover like something we played when stuck in traffics or had our bluetooth speakers in car jammed. Here it sat at a jaunty angle, an ugly rectangle of cheap chrome screaming vintage and as I turned the volume up, for many seconds I could hear the slacked crackle before the voice of the radio jockey came audible. I liked it that way. It always reminded me of my mother as she would cook humming blithely when any of her favourite songs got played. I wondered why Dad kept this one. A soft content smile played on my face and holding the bottle, I walked back to stand by the window watching the rain.

"Who wouldn't want to fall in love in a weather like this?" The cracked voice of the radio jockey came. "I'm sure wherever you are, you are in love and if you are not, I hope you feel it soon. By the way, we have our next caller here with us. So hi, what's your name and what's the message you want to send to your special one?" I didn't want the night to fall away. I'm not saying I liked the sappy script of the jockey but..the night was peaceful.

The caller said he broke up with the girl he loved and that he would like to tell her that she will always be in his heart even though she decides to move on with somebody else in life. How do people do that? Isn't that stupid? The jockey said all sweet words and promised to play a nice song for him. My mind asked me why on earth was I listening to this idiotic show but then I reminded myself of the loneliness and crazy thoughts I was having a while ago. So, I guess it was nice to hear people virtually talk around and keep your mind somewhere else rather than thinking how she must be laughing at Aryaman's poor jokes or how she might have been reacting to guys who would hit on her.

The smooth guitar started playing through the cracked device but the sound awkwardly felt calming. Mixed with soft thunders and sound of rain falling, the music was just doing it right.

I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain.
I'm jealous of the wind
That ripples through your clothes
It's closer than your shadow
Oh, I'm jealous of the wind.

Labrinth's voice was so damn soothing but the lyrics were somehow unhooking all the wrong clips in me. My eyes were still at the swirls of dark clouds above and the bottle secured in my fingers tried to pacify my gloriously unrecognisable thoughts.

'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me.

Selfish enough I know but somehow I just wanted her to ring that damn bell and come crash in my arms crying how her night went horrible without me. My heart trembled at the thought of having those arms around me. Maybe, for a minute, I will stand still if it happens not knowing how to react but then I might hug her tight, caress her head and kiss her forehead telling her it was just a night. I hated all that was happening to me. This softness, this stupidity wasn't me but it was happening though.

I'm jealous of the nights
That I don't spend with you
I'm wondering who you lay next to
Oh, I'm jealous of the nights.
I'm jealous of the love
Love that was in here
Gone for someone else to share
Oh, I'm jealous of the love.

'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me.

Murthy's a strange and perfect kind of summer rain whereas the season I was fond of most was winter. She's the kind that you stand under and let soak through your clothes, to your skin before feeling it touch your soul. She's the rain that makes you feel less alone and reminds you of the way that the crying sky understands the pain in your heart. She's everything that's not okay for me but she's everything that seemed flawless.

As I sink in the sand
Watch you slip through my hands
Oh, as I die here another day, yeah
'Cause all I do is cry behind this smile
I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me.

I-I-It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me.

My fingers hugged the bottle little too tight and my mind calculated that it would take me exactly twenty three minutes to reach her and make sure she's safe. Each step I took forward was coupled with two behind because of what Aryaman said about father. Selfishness got the best of me and I forgot to memorise when was the last time I even thought of doing something for someone that wouldn't benefit me. There was none. I was wired that way. To be cruel and selfish.

Sucking all the liquid out of the bottle, not leaving an ounce I let the alcohol in my system decide for me and it won't be very wrong for me to say that I purposely drowned the alcohol in me. An entire bottle. Because if I stayed sober, I might never ever choose to put everything in danger but the alcohol could decide what I didn't have the balls for. It was necessary for my brain to make sure she's okay and for that I had to drown the selfish voices in my head at least for few hours.

Clutching the knob as I pulled the door open, a staff ran closer. "Sir, what am I going to tell Chief?"

Nonchalantly, I snapped my neck, eyes stern. "Tell him, fuck you."

Slamming the door behind, I cared no more what that old man was going to think of this. Shackles, I broke. Perhaps. Snatching the key from chauffeur, I slid in the seat and switched the glass up as he was begging me to let him drive as per his Chief's orders.

A guard who was passing by, panicked and fell down losing his balance as he saw me drive past him erratically. Had the gates been not automatic, I swear to not have trusted my instincts and crashed my car over it and not regret a bit because I needed to get there to that damn girl and nothing else right now mattered. Not even my greed.

❃     ❃

As I rashly parked my car throwing mud at whoever stood beside, the people who were waiting for valet fumbled seeing me storm out of my car giving zero fucks.

The lounge in this seven star hotel was themed dark so when I entered, it took me enough time to figure out the faces narrowing my eyes. People who passed me, reacted as if they have seen some ghost and irritated as I glared, they all scurried away.

"Damn. Where are they?" Standing on my toes, I ducked my neck higher and each second of delay was growing all kinds of negative ideas in my head. What if something happened to her? What if somebody spiked her drink and took her to a room in this hotel and was taking off her clothes? What if that moron Aryaman got drunk and failed to keep a tab on Murthy? What if she believed a cooked up story by any jerk? What if? What if? What if? God, was I always this concerned about her or was it the guilt for what I did to her father?

"Hey Manik?" Prem, some idiot I used to know once patted my shoulder feeling amused. "I didn't know you were coming. It's good to see you, man."

"Uh yea. I'm sure." Averting my eyes, I kept scanning the place but he tapped again. Jesus Christ!

"Why are you standing here when your brother is right there? Come, join us. Oh by the way, I heard the big news of you two collaborating. Ah, I guess industry is turning way too saintly now." As he sighed, I mentally groaned but the mention of Aryaman caused a delight to my soul.

"Where's he?" My eyebrows narrowed.

"Come, I'll take you there." God knew why did he hold my hand to guide me to the spot. Couldn't he just tell me using his fucking mouth?

When I reached the booth with cards and hookahs on the table and random people making out, drunk girls letting guys touch them, I wondered what on earth was she doing at a party like this. Aryaman was laughing at some wanker's joke until his eyes fell on me which raised one of his eyebrows. Not giving a crap, my eyes moved left to right and my stomach churned not finding Murthy anywhere near him.

"Hey Manik!" Dewan, although shocked, tried to hide it well with his fake beguiling.

Not glancing his way, I scowled at my brother. "Where's she?"

"I didn't know you were coming, man." Dewan interrupted. For God's sake, someone shut this man up. "I'm sorry that the invite got lost somewhere in the mail but I swear you were there on the list." Like I cared.

"Who invited you?" Aryaman mischievously asked and when I pointed my thumb back at Prem, the latter seemed utterly confused. Before he could open his dirty mouth, I snapped my neck at him and he was quiet.

"If we are done playing question-answers, where's the girl?" My jaw hardened.

"Which girl?" God, just freeze this Dewan's fucking mouth for a minute!

As I kept staring coldly at Aryaman, he smirked taking a sip from his drink. "Can I enjoy the fear in your eyes for a bit longer?"

"You better not. I'll hunt her and trash this place down, you know it." He chuckled looking at the cards in his hands.

"She's not into what you are thinking. She's good. Went to the washroom. You chill." He was biting the corner of his lips concentrating on the cards.

"Oh that seductress, my my!" My eyes landed on Dewan in disbelief. How could he say something that cheap about her? "Oh man, I'm thankful to you, Aryaman, for bringing her tonight. She's a real game, man. Acting all goody-goody and I'm telling you such kind of girls are the devils wrapped in sheets in bed. Though I need to take her under a sheet though."

My breath hitched at how he spoke. I agree there have been multiple times I spoke that way about a girl with my friends but hearing them about the girl I came running here for seemed to have flipped my organs. Aryaman's face hardened too and I somehow wanted him to beat the shit out of this motherfucker but somehow, he held it back wanting to see my reaction.

"She won't give in to you. I give it in writing." A dickhead sitting beside Dewan spoke after taking a long drag of hookah and making circles with smoke.

"She will, she will. And, I'll tell you all about it tomorrow morning." Dewan boasted. I wanted to throw as many punches on his face as would take his heart to stop beating but thinking rationally, I had to locate the girl first. Else who knows, they might throw me away and I would never take her away from these cumsacks.

"Where's the washroom?" I asked hyperventilating and Aryaman glanced up from his cards.

"Have you lost it?" He scrunched his nose.

"I'll find it out myself." Pushing Prem aside, I paced to any direction and grabbing the elbow of a passing girl as I asked her for the way, the first thing she did was scream at my face. That wasn't anything new to me. Coming out of her shock, she was able to point her trembling finger to a way and I scurried towards. It felt like I was holding my breath.

The yellow light was little dimmer in the hallway. Without knocking or asking for permission, I pushed the door and released the caught up breath. There she stood before the mirror, wiping a tissue on her cheek and I never have been that happy seeing a person in my life.

Snapping her head towards me, I could tell every inch of her shuddered. Her throat croaked as she tried forming a word and pushing the door close behind me, I made sure to twist the knob, locking it and I'm sure she noticed it too.

Seeing me walk slowly towards her, she stuttered. "I-it's girls' wa-washroom."

"I know." I tried sounding as calm as possible to not scare her away even though my insides were on fire to stab every inch of that Dewan's face and body.

Nervously, she stared at the locked door behind me and blinked frequently. "Y-you-you locked it."

"I did." I said like an official statement.

Nervously, the tissue which she was twirling in between her fingers slipped on her feet as I stepped closer and our reflections in the mirror stood facing one another.

"I told you not to come." Discreetly, I spoke taking a step closer and her eyes skittishly measured the distance between us.

Looking at her feet, she fought for words. "I wanted to."

Crossing arms across my chest, I breathed quietly. "You wanted to. Even after finding out this party would be something like this?"

She breathed in keeping her eyes down. "I knew this party would be like this."

I frowned. "Repeat."

Alarmed, she drew in a breath. "I knew how this party was going to be yet-yet I chose to come here."

"Why?" My eyes turned a little cold.

She gulped. "I'm not answerable to you."

"Oh right! Why would you answer me? You are answerable to him, right? Your ethereal boyfriend? Does he know in what kind of party has his girlfriend come to?" She blinked hard clenching the sides of her dress.

Saying no word, she walked past me with a step and staying cross-armed, I turned my neck sideways. "Where are you going?"

Her back was facing my back. "Back to the party."

"You won't." Poised, I ordered.

My body turned stale as I heard the friction of her high heels towards the door. "Let me repeat myself. You are not going back there, Ms.Murthy. I'll break your leg if I have to if it would mean keeping you away from those fuck-tards, remember."

"I'm sure you'll do everything in your power to hurt me. So, go ahead. I give you another chance." Parting the door as she was about to step out, a shriek came out of her mouth as I thrusted my palm on the door slamming it close again.

Wrath engulfed me. "I said you.are.not.going.back.to.them. Why is this so difficult to understand?"

She was about to say something but as Aryaman's concerned voice came from the other side, catching me off-guard she opened the door and that idiot stood there nodding his head in disappointment at me.

Following her like a lost puppy, I made sure to kill a man thrice if he would throw a nasty eye on her but seeing her straightaway walk out of the door grabbing her handbag, caused me a great deal of confusion. Pacing, I was about to leave when some drunk girl clutched my shirt begging for a dance. Ignoring I turned my face but the compelling smell coming from the burning weeds tucked in between her fingers jammed my mind.

Even though drunk yet she noticed how with lust I was gaping at the thing in her fingers. "You want to have a drag, don't you? Come."

Neither could I say a yes or no. My thoughts were confined by a shady spectre leaving no light to it. Glancing at the way from where she left, I reminded myself of the necessity to go after her but I hated how I licked my lips raising my trembling fingers to hold it. My eyes clumsily fell on Aryaman who happened to pop up behind the girl with eyes studying me like he had me put me under a test. I could care less about what Dad was going to think about this whole situation but glancing back at the doorway, I knew for once in life, I needed to get my shit together and settle my priorities. Shutting my eyes, I let out a groan and pushed her advancing hand back.

"I got to go."

The corner of his lips twitched and deepened into a proud smirk like that of a lazy teacher's check-mark.

Shoving whoever came my way, I made it to the exit not caring if it continued raining. Failing to make out in which way could she possibly choose to walk in a state like this, I stood there puzzled for a moment. Taking a wild guess, I chose the least populated dark way considering the daredevil she was trying to act these days.

The man who couldn't jog on treadmill for more than five minutes these days, here, was running not caring how his lungs were blasting. My left hand sat on the middle of my soaked chest, rubbing the intensifying burn; the rain did none. My mind still felt haunted by the ghost of those weeds and tugging the roots of my hairs, I screeched not getting a clear thought process. Wiping the raindrops off my face, my eyes narrowed deeper figuring a faint view of a wine coloured dress walking far ahead.

Scuttling in that direction paying little heed to how my body was slowly giving up, I reached near her. "Stop!"

She immediately halted but chose to not face me, I observed she must have been crying under the rain from her quivering frame, how her wet dress hugged her body tight the ends of which were dipped in mud losing the shine and glamour.

As she resumed walking, I made another request to her tensely. "Don't walk away." Something I never imagined myself saying to someone.

Swiftly rotating on her heels, she gave a high pitched cry showing her hand to me. "Stop it for god's sake! There was time you wanted me to stay away from you and now when I'm doing it, why are you confusing me when you don't plan on staying? Quit playing with me like this, oh god. Just...stop."

"I never played you." With sincerity, I uttered. "If anything, I had been awfully honest with you since the beginning. I told you. Hell, I told you not to fall for me because I'm a type of person who will take you to stargazing, to my mother's cemetery. I will bake cookies with you and cheat in games when you are winning. I'll push you hard against the wall when I need my drugs and kiss your wounds passionately under the moon. I will do every possible thing to burn you with desire so that you can never go back to anybody without tasting me like heartbreak in your mouth. I...I destroy everything I touch. Hell, I have eaten my own heart in the process. I have punched mirrors to get rid of my own reflection but in every shards of glass around my feet, I still could see who I really am. I told you, I would hurt and betray you.....didn't I?"

Dropping the bag near her feet, ends of her muddy dress moved as she took slow steps nearing me and stopped when her hands were on my collars. "Why? Why every time you lie, it's so beautiful that I never want to believe no other truth in this world?" She nudged me as she cried hard; my hands lying motionless beside my thighs. "Why do you get me so addicted to heartbreak that I crave for it knowing there's no other way to have you in my life other than pain? Why? Why do you keep breaking me when every time I tape my broken parts and try giving myself to you in whole? Why can't you be anything like you are in the movies? Why do I keep standing on the edge waiting for you to push me knowing very well that you will? Why do you keep pushing me away only to pull me harder when I try to distance myself from you? Even after a week of self-control, why are my tapes still pulling off revealing all my cracked parts telling me I never healed? Why?"

Her broken pieces jabbed my conscience and I wished I knew few words to make her feel better but I didn't. "I'm sorry that I'm not an easy person to love."

Crying and shaking, loosely holding my collars, she stared up at me. "Like two indifferent words, we struggle to rhyme, don't we?" Weakly, she asked and I knew she again wanted me to lie.

Sniffing unsteadily, her hands slid down from my collars to my chest giving me euphoria greater than drugs and finally off my skin as she took a step back. "Do you know why I chose to have come in this party? To meet people worse than you. In the past one week, trust me I have been to the shadiest parts of this city and met some ugly-hearted men. Few times I thought, what if I let their teeth graze on my neck? What if let their rough hands stain those touches you laid on my skin? Will I be able to forget you then? Will I be able to forget how desperately I needed to hear your voice when the moans of those girls kept your deaf? Will I be able to forget how you kept me awake at nights whilst you peacefully slept beside whoever you wanted? Will I ever be able to forgive and forget that all those bodies you touched weren't mine or they touched you in places I never can?" She took steps back. "You are sick, Manik Malhotra and are getting me sick as well. I despise the person I have become and it's because of you! When you said you'd ruin me, I gave you the power not knowing you really were going to use it one day."

The thunders roared deeper and in a flash of light, her swollen face looked like that of an angel's. Staring at the puddle of muddle on the wet metal road, I stayed numb feeling my words way too small before her pain. People love celebrities but have I ever been loved this bad by someone? Why did she love me this hard when she knew it in her heart, I deserved not one bit?

"You know the funniest part?" Stepping back, she chuckled continuously and I worried if the shock forced her to lose her mind. "Even after meeting the rawest and sickest of men, you still remained the worst. So, congratulations, Manik Malhotra." She clapped and I exhaled closing my eyes. "You excelled every role in life with perfection like you do that on screen."

Her mascara got smudged as she rubbed her eye and ran that soft palm over her face. Picking her handbag, she was about to leave until I managed to get a choked voice out.

"Everyday..." Biting my lower lip, I looked aside still struggling with my mind if I should open up. "Everyday was like having a dark grey cloud above my head. I accept I am everything you said just now. I am worse than all those wretched bastards you met but I became the worst only when you left my side. That night, I overdosed myself, the night you left because I was tired of everything. The next three days were a blur because I was passing out frequently but the first thing I did on the fourth day was to call you and shits turned worst when I learnt you blocked my number. You did." I bit my lip so hard that it started to ooze blood. "I cannot justify any of my acts whether it was misbehaving with people or using girls like trash because none would make sense nor would it matter to you now. But, you have to know the number of times I mistook your ignorance to be your betrayal, I kissed those many bottles and girls to get you out of my mind. I became everything you wouldn't like because even though we never dated yet you broke my heart which I thought I never had. I didn't know how to handle pain because all my life, I have caused pain rather felt it so when you hurt me, I grabbed the easiest and sickest escape because I missed you like crazy."

Though it was me, intoxicated yet her sober steps toppled and she parted her lips to gasp. She kept fighting for air like she ran a marathon and quietly, I watched every little detail of her movement.

"Should I stay or should I go? Are you bad for me? Am I good for you? Am I bad for you? Are you good for me?
Do we make each other better? Do we make each other worse? Are we chaos or are we peace? Is the bottom of the sea, the only place for you and me?" Traumatised, she asked herself.

"You are entitled to all your anger. You are entitled to all your bitterness for me. For yourself. And, I don't know what can I do to mend your broken heart..or soul but I'll try fixing you. I'll try." My words might be her nightmares tinged with hopes but I didn't know how else to make her stop crying which was making me feel ten times shittier.

Her crying stopped but the quiet tears didn't when she looked me straight in the eye and took long slow steps killing the distance tightening her hold around the straps of her handbag.

Murthy looked like a volcano, a volcanic eruption more specifically. Angry and devastating in a way that chars your soul so deeply that you think nothing will ever grow there again. Only later do you find that the most exotic flowers sprout from the scarred ground she left behind.

"Can you?" Her eyes were insanely judgmental and mocking to say the least. "Can you, really? Are you sure? Then why don't we start trying with this one?"

Her hand hid inside her handbag looking for something while her accusing eyes refused to leave mine. Having pulled something she intended, Murthy shoved it in my hands. Though my eyes repudiated to not lay on anything other than her curious ones yet feeling touch of that solid something in my hand knocked the spirit of query and half-hearted I decided to have a quick glance not knowing I would not be able to look back into her eyes without dying a thousand times in my mind, ashamed. Inside my hand rested a leather wallet and thinking hard wasn't necessary as my mind played back that cursed night in Chandigarh.

[It would make me incredibly happy if you guys would vote and comment like you always do. It makes me want to give quicker updates. Do let me know how you found the chapter. I love love love you all. Take care.]