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A FEW DAYS LATER

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    Silence used to be my worst enemy – the silence of not having my best friend and boyfriend beside me was deafening, and fleeing Cameron and my family was awful. So many nights, I used to want to go back just to hear everyone. I'd put the news on and listen to my dad talk to the news about his latest venture so I could hear him without having him talk to me and ask why I left. 

Sometimes, I used to attend debates in the House of Commons just to watch my dad at work, and though I sometimes didn't understand it, it was amazing to see him in action. I know once or twice he would catch me in the gallery and shoot me a smile. He'd later send me a text afterwards to meet him for lunch. The second or third time I did it, I met him, and I think he understood me, as he didn't touch the topic of me running away. We just chatted about what I was up to. After the initial awkward lunch dates we went on, Dad came to visit me in the cake shop, and slowly, we built up a father/daughter relationship during the working week.

Eventually, my life became a routine, and I valued the silence – it is why I ran, after all, to get that. It became less of an enemy until it was almost my best friend. Then I met Courtney, and regardless of how it turned out, she didn't make me miss the silence. She enhanced it.

The lodge Cameron and I are in is situated in a little village in the middle of the forest; we have neighbours, of course – that's the point of a holiday village – but they've situated it so strategically, each lodge is like its own little bubble, and it's silent. When we walked in here, there was even a deer in the little garden by the back door. 

Cam's put his things in his bedroom – he insisted on having the twin bedroom despite there being a double and me offering it to him – and I'm putting our shopping away in the fridge. I booked myself into the spa tomorrow for a few hours, and I cannot wait, but I planned to use the swimming pool after packing up.

As Cameron walks back into the open plan lounge and kitchen, though, I can feel the burning awkwardness firing between us. This is going to turn into a conversation and confrontation. I can feel it. Not that it's a problem, because I know we need to have this out and move forward, but the knowledge I will have to have the truth out in the open is haunting me.

Cameron would never force the truth out of me. I know that deep down, but I also know he was right – as much as I hate it, Elliott is gone. He's not here anymore, and it's also been five years. The reason I've said nothing is that Elliott never wanted me to, including in the letter he left me after he died asking me to keep the secret. It's preserving his memory as the person everyone knew and loved. Though I don't think people would think differently of him if they knew, he did, so much so that he didn't want his parents to know. He didn't want the truth to get out and, as he called it, 'have people pity him'.

I don't want him to have his perception changed now he's gone and can't control it himself. But he's also not here; surely the truth would set people free and make them understand him? As I've grown in the past five years and matured, I've realised that it's not on the victims to shield people from the truth to save them from the pain, it's other people who are in control of that and who should feel honoured they let them in to tell them the truth.

Elliott's not here anymore, and it's in my charge to do what I think is right. It might have been five years, but people still wonder why he did what he did. When he told me what happened to him, it was me who made him realise that justice should be sought for himself, and he got that. Maybe now he's gone, it's time for that justice to happen, and it's in my charge as Elliott's girlfriend (at the time) to do that for him. It would be getting not only justice for what happened to him, but justice for when the police sat by and did nothing, and justice for him dying and the lost life for him, me, his family and his friends. It all starts with telling Cameron, I guess.

"Why did you book a two-bedroom lodge for a honeymoon?" Cameron asks randomly as he puts the fridge stuff away for me.

"The smaller places were apartments, and only, like fifty quid cheaper, so we took a bungalow. Further away from the plaza and everything, but it's so much nicer, and the animals by the doors are the best," I explain.

Cameron nods. "Fair. It's gorgeous here. The whole place is amazing."

I turn to look at him and meet his gaze. He's already looking at me as he closes the fridge. "I was thinking of going for a swim in a bit, that okay?"

He nods. "Your honeymoon, you have a key to the lodge, do what you want. I'm just tagging along."

This is awkward and we both know why. Should I make this first move or should I leave him to do it?

When he says nothing more, I decide to leave it and go to unpack my things. He'll make the move when he wants; I know him still well enough to know that he will when he's ready.

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    I walk into the lounge after my bath that evening. After my swim, I came back to find Cameron was out. He messaged to say he'd gone for a walk to explore, but now he's back and sitting with a cold beer on the patio.

"How was your walk?" I ask.

He turns to face me with a small smile. "Good. This place is amazing. Found out they do takeout, we can have that for dinner if you want – my treat?"

I shrug and nod, pulling my cardigan around me. It's chilly, but not enough to keep me from sitting out here. "Sure. I've heard good things about the Indian food."

"Have a good swim?"

I nod. This is awkward, and it's only going to get worse. "You know my family, we've always been water bugs. Get us near a pool or ocean or whatever and we're in it. Thank my mum for being a Kiwi and everything."

"I guess it's part of Oceania for a reason, right?" He jokes. We both laugh.

"Ko te wait e ora ngã mea katoa," I say. "Water is the life giver of all things in Māori. Probably why we love it so much."

"You always sound so graceful when you speak Māori, you know."

I snort. "You saying I don't otherwise?"

He grins. "No, but... yeah. It's cool to hear about it, you know? It's cool to see your family embrace the background your mum has. I've always thought it's such a brilliant background. I'm just plain British, you know?"

"It is what it is to me, you know?" I shrug. "It gives my dad an edge in politics, and if he makes prime minister, I think the country's relationship with New Zealand will be tighter."

"It's interesting as well. To have a Māori background is cool; not many people can say that. A lot of people were born in New Zealand, right, but you actually have Indigenous family members, or did."

"Never thought about it like that before." I cock my head and tuck my wet hair behind my ear. "One day, I'd love to see what it's like to live in a Māori village."

"The world is your oyster now."

I snort. "I need to sort my business out first."

He sips his beer. "You thought more about the offer?"

Sighing, I shake my head. "In truth, no, I haven't. It's a brilliant idea, but... we can't deny the awkwardness between us right now. It's... difficult to imagine us in business with this... what even is this? A situationship? Friendship? Awkward acquaintance?"

"You know what a situationship is, Kenna?"

"A casual sexual relationship. I work with teenagers," I retort.

"We slept together... well, twice in one night, but whatever. One night."

"Right, but this is... I don't even know, Cameron. It feels like an awkward situationship; we never even discussed this shit."

He shrugs. "Because you fled."

"Yeah, I know."

He groans and finishes his drink. "Let's order some food. Apparently, we're doing this now, right?"

I nod. "Yeah, apparently."

"Then if we're doing this, I need food."

He stands from the chair and moves into the lodge with nothing more said. I knew this was coming, so I shouldn't be surprised, but there's a world of difference between the anticipation and the actual event. It feels like a pit in my stomach, and despite knowing this needs to happen, the need to flee is gathering in my stomach. I felt like this that morning after sleeping with Cameron and I did it. But right now, I know I can't flee anywhere, and it's making the black hole bigger and bigger in my mind.

I have to do this; for me, for Cameron and Elliott. 

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